Wednesday, 15 July 2009

BrainVomit - Call of Duty Madness Warfare and an Untimely Headache

I love Call of Duty 4. You could even say I'm obsessed with it. So tonight, my one evening in this week where I have free time to play, I tried to organise a bit of a game between buddies. I go on a little early to make sure my new headset works, and get invited straight in to a game hosted by someone else. Awesome, sure. But then there's a few things I notice very quickly.

Firstly, they made team games when the numbers were uneven - not something that usually works well because it's unfair to the team with less players. And secondly, well, let's put it this way when I host sometimes I set different rules to make it a bit more interesting and stop it being just the same old same old. Every time I do, I clearly ask anyone if they have preferences, nobody ever says "don't do this" or "how about that", but they nearly always complain when we start the match. BUT then when someone else is hosting and makes up ridiculous rules suddenly it's the best thing ever and everyone's going batshit about how awesome it is.

13 people on a free for all on shipment, old school rules and headshots only, with the added rule of jumping constantly? If I'd suggested that it'd be mutiny! It was fairly fun though, apart from the constant fucking airstrikes did my head in after a while and someone thought it would be a great idea to set the score limit high and no goddamn timer. Good going, genius, that could have ended a lot sooner than it did. 20minutes of any one match is too long! 15 is a good maximum though the 10min standard is all you need for a good fair game, not too long and enough time to get a good round in.

And then afterwards it was a team game, again with uneven teams, but search and destroy? Come on! What's the point?! That many people it was just a sodding killing spree with the addition of some poor bastard trying to pick up a bomb now and then. Uneven teams and people using Juggernaught and Martyrdom...great... So I suggest going to some team deathmatch if we're doing team games, I mean by that point it really was useless trying to get the bomb let alone plant, guard or defuse the fucking thing. But no, my suggestion was met with mockery. My stress level was just peaking at that point from the earlier stresses and the frustration of constantly spawning on the wrong side of the map, sprinting over and being killed before I could even round a corner.

Sure it's what the game is about but it gets old quickly when you're not concentrating and keep dying. So I quit. No warning, I mean why bother I doubt anyone would give a shit I dropped out anyway. My mind is now just too full and spinning from today to even try again. Console off, may put it on for some music soon but for now...I just need to get my head back straight because I am not dealing with the pressures in it right now. And to think today started so well...I can't wait for tomorrow. Supposed to be going to some dude's party in Blandford but all I want to do is see Dan and remember how it is to actually relax. I wish we were on a beach somewhere right now just watching the sunset, it's such a beautiful night.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Unwanted Messages

I've been getting messages on my PSN from my ex. Unwanted messages. I replied to one, once, just before I picked up my stuff but no other...I'll copy them here to give me a bit of clarity because they're really bugging me.

~~~his messages~~~

23/6
Hi, can we meet up and talk? I understand if you dont want to... I dont know what else to say so ill just say im sorry for bothering you.
Dean

25/6
i can understand if you dont want to see me but you could have at least answered my message. i just want to sit down somewhere quiet like a cafe and talk things over. we dont even have to talk face to face, we both have msn. please think about it.

25/6
im sorry if i sounded pissed off earlier. truth be told its just that i miss your company alot right now. you are the closest friend ive ever had and pretty much the only person ive ever been able to confide in and relate to... i just miss what we had... im sorry.

~~~my reply~~~

26/6
Hadnt been online. Trouble with connecting ps3 to net and have been away and out a lot, moving house etc. Will think about it. No promises though. Am out all this weekend anyway, Clouds reunion tomorrow and then clubbing/beach after with the guys and girls from Blandford. Pretty busy next week too tbh, jobcentre and uni app to do. Must sort day to collect stuff too but that will not be a day for talking.. will let you know. PS could you give me your dads email add please, thanks.

~~~his replies~~~

27/6
$%&£*$^*"#~"~£$@hotmail.com.....i think.... Thankyou for thinking about it at least... i dont mind waiting if you've got a lot going on. Dean

27/6
I take it you know what it is i want to talk to you about?

3/7
Hi not trying to push as I dont mind waiting but I was just wondering if you thought about or were at a conclusion yet? you know what I want to talk about right?

5/7
jen im not sure if youve got the other message yet but i really need to talk to you. i dont mean to put pressure you but there is alot i have to explain and alot i need to say. im sure you know what its about so im hoping your willing to listen. please get into contact with me one way or the other.

5/7
I've realised why I made all the mistakes i did and I cant express how sorry I am..... I tried to do the best for you i could for 4 years please dont just forget me...........

15/7
please respond jen. i may have screwed up but i dont deserve this. i miss you so much. my memories torment me and im falling to pieces because of it. you were my world..... the only person i could trust or cofide in, the only stability ive ever had in my life. i still cant believe youve dont this to me. i would have done anything for you............

~~~~~~

Maybe it's a conscience lingering, maybe it's pity, but I keep thinking I should reply now but the twisted thing is the last thing I want to do is get in contact with him again. Dear reader if you have read the history written many a blog page ago you will know why. Do I accept the apology or take the implied guilt in the last 2 lines of that message? That's the thing, he is still in my head because he knows how to make me feel guilty and twist me into believing I'm wrong. But I'm not. I'm right. He does deserve nothing more than my silence....but I can't break that nagging feeling....it's impossible. Just when things started to go so well, it's all gone pear shaped.

I know it seems easy from the outside to say well just talk to him and see what he wants or block him, but it's not that simple, this guy pretty much had control over me for 4/5years and that's not an easy thing to break. Why can't he just disappear and live his life happy and normal for fuck's sake....

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - When Things Can't Get Better Then They Do

I think you, dear reader, know what I'm about to write about from just the title now. I know, I know, I only finished the last entry last night BUT since then...well....let's just say there's nobody around but I just broke out into a big smile and a little "yay" just a moment ago. I'm happy. I'm so happy I'm starting to think I'm dreaming.

Last night, Dan was on msn for a while with a late shift today he figured he had the time to stay up and talk and catch up on facebook etc. Well I am really believing he's not real now because just when I think he's amazing enough he goes and says or does something even better!

~~~~~in his words~~~~~

~Made it through another, good excuse to celebrate~ says (23:52):
im listening to what im saying is our 'song' altho you probs havent realised it, but ive played it every time you've been round mine

foo fighters 'still'

'If you'd like to walk a while
We could waste the day
Follow me into the trees
I will lead the way

Bring some change up to the bridge
Bring some alcohol
There we'll make a final wish
Just before the fall

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

there be the lyrics

~~~~~wow~~~~~



~~~~~just wow~~~~~

It makes me even more annoyed that I kept blacking out over the laptop. Sore neck and missing conversation for the extreme fail! But still I keep on thinking how just right this all is. When I was starting to get paranoid that I was being too clingy or annoying he sends me a message saying he can't wait to see me Thursday, out of the blue. He is happy to be meeting my family on Saturday and even said he would have missed a friend's wedding for it because he'd rather be with me! Well I'd encourage against that and I don't think the wedding is for a while yet so I'll force him to go but still the sentiment is not what I'd have expected in a million years!

He also said the other day amongst other compliments I still can't get used to that I have an infectious smile. I couldn't help but make a terrible joke - "what so I'm diseased now?" - but it was just so nice....I really can't describe any of it, just unbelievable really. I never imagined I could meet someone with so much in common who works on such a similar wavelength they're already finishing my sentences and getting every little obscure reference I drop in to conversation...

In other news, Minx is back today. With both her and JB back in the country the Rocket Minions are once again complete, and seeing as those 2 are the pair I talk to the most I am happier, adore them both, adore the rest of the Minions too but Laura and John are probably the 2 that know me best. Other than Stew of course, but we just don't talk any more...ho hum... On with the games!

~~~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~~~

You're like a drug, you relax me and heal me, you have a side effect of making my face muscles twitch into a smile and I think I'm already addicted to the buzz of each little dose. Is it time for my medication yet?

Jenivere Out.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

BrainVomit - Studland Beach and Broken Poles!

I'm not in the mood to sit and write to be honest. I'm really restless. Maybe because I need to sit and just write but who knows?! I certainly don't right about now. Oh well. So where were we? Well last time I wrote it was a Friday night and I was going to get some rest ready for the Saturday ahead. And that Saturday...well...what a night!

We started as usual in the pub around 9pm. I got there half an hour earlier to see who was about, turned out a few people were there so I sat about, chatted a little, and waited for the crew to turn up. Dan arrived at about half past 9 or thereabouts and Zac wasn't far behind. Marcus had been there all along so we were ready to roll!

We headed straight out to Poole and on to the ferry for Studland. When we got there Zac wanted to find a proper campsite this week so he drove us around towards Swanage looking for one. My thoughts were confirmed when we arrived at one and found it was well and truly closed - I did doubt anywhere would be accepting new guests that late at night! Still, we got out and stretched our legs, did a quick bit of film of Marcus and Dan doing a pretty damned awesome Jay and Silent Bob and got back in to move on.


We ended up just driving back down to Studland beach. The signs said no overnight parking and no camping, but seeing as there was a campervan parked up there with people in we decided to ignore all that and parked up right behind before going to scout out the beach. It was empty, though the paths down there looked creepy in the dark, especially seeing a little kid's swimming costume hanging ominously on a fence. Rather than leaving people behind this time we all headed back to the car to grab the gear. It had been raining, and though it was a dry spell we were fairly sure it would again so got the tents ready to go.

We wandered down towards the dunes and found a nice spot slightly tucked away so we'd get a little shelter from the wind but still with a good view along the coast. Zac and Marcus got to work right away setting up their tent, Dan and I were having a laugh first so when we were halfway pitched the rain had already started up again. We put the 2 tents door to door, and seeing as our porch pole was broken we tied it across to join the 2 in the middle. The wind was pretty gusty and the rain did start to come down quite hard so we bundled inside, Zac in one tent with Marcus halfway in the doorway, Dan and I having the other tent to ourselves.


We got comfy, or as comfy as possible, and sat for a while talking and drinking Mickey Finns, a strong flavoured spirit like sour apple shots. Rather tasty if a little strong! After a while of talking together, Dan and I closed the door for some alone time. Well I had said that morning we got together that taking it slow was fine but well it had been a while and it just felt right all night so we ended up in a fairly nice situation in the tent until it was realised neither of us were prepared.

Now here, dear reader, is a tale of woe to never ever ever be seen outside the comforting walls of this blog. I know it's rather public to post here but you know I am always honest and I don't think I can really leave this one out as it's a part of the epic weekend that we will never forget.

Basically, we were unprepared as we hadn't planned to get to that stage that night, but you know things happen how they happen for a reason and it felt right. Dan knew Zac kept some in his car, and after a lot of back and forth between us and despite my last second protest he shouted across asking if he could borrow the car keys. When the others realised why Marcus started giggling and Zac was declining to relinquish the keys. Dan was already dressed again and ready to brave the cold, wind and rain just to go there and get it, which is dedication right there, but Zac really wasn't giving up his keys that easy. Eventually though he agreed to go himself. By this time I was so redfaced with shame I had to have a few more drinks to take the edge off the sober embarassment while Marcus giggled from the other side of the tent door.

You know it's not so bad doing something when other people are nearby if they don't know what's going on, even though you know they probably have figured it out you don't know that for sure so it's comforting. It's a very different matter when they know exactly what's going on and you know they know, and they've even got involved in making it happen. Oh dear... Well, without going in to detail I will just tell you dear reader that it was very much worth it. And after we talked, then got so tired that for once we actually fell asleep. Apparently Marcus was awake all night for the first time ever, so I feel kinda bad that we didn't talk to him more after Zac went to sleep but it was such a moment just between us that it felt like there was nobody else in the world that mattered.

So morning rolls on in and at 7am we're awake and stepping out in to the sunshine. The wind and rain had knocked bits of our tent over in the night and we'd put it back up again, from the inside, but as a consequence one of my shoes had been knoced out of the cover and was soaking with rain. Oh dear. We set about packing away the tents and were done fairly quickly, then decided to stay a short while on the beach in the morning sun.





I made a bit of a monument to our crew in the sand while the boys inspected the wildlife - Zac had gone to scout the dunes and seen a family of deer, so Dan and Marcus went off in search of more with my camera. They came back and were I think marginally impressed. To be fair they had started to help just before they left to go film so I can't take all the credit, just most of it apart from the I!


We walked a bit down the beach with my camera on self timer and the teeny tripod to get some group photos. My shoelessness really failed when I found the little plants were intensely spikey! Still we got some nice shots, and Dan took some of our shadows, one of which was just such a Breakfast Club moment it makes me smile to look at it now because that's how we felt - young, free, alive, and together just the little group of us who didn't know each other a month ago but now firm friends going out together every weekend.




The weekend didn't end when we left the beach, we filmed a little of the ferry crossing back to Poole and went to my place. The guys all had coffee and waffles while I made myself a small breakfast of toast and a cup of tea. Smashing. I put on the PS3 with the intention of listening to music or something but we ended up looking at all the pics and vids of DHIBBS so far. I got changed and we were all comfy so decided to stick around for a bit. I regretted this when Dan discovered PlayStation Home.

Now, those of you already familiar with PSHome know female avatars get a lot of unwanted male attention. Dan discovered how to dance and the madness began. I kept hold of my keyboard for dear life frantically typing that someone else had control of my avatar, but eventually I lost that too and watched in agony as my avatar started chatting up some random frenchman in the InFamous area. When he was done with that one I thought, great, we can go now....but then he found someone else who was then starting to give him bits of postcode! At this point the guys realised it was getting more creepy than funny and ran away, but were followed. Thankfully we decided to quit out and head on our next journey, but I do have 3 ominous friend requests on my PSN account....

So anyway back to the story. The plan was to head on to Salisbury where I knew a few of my mates might be. We didn't meet up with them in the end because I had no credit to contact, but it was still a nice day to be in the town and we had a good look around a few shops. I had to be dragged kicking and screaming (almost literally) from Game and GameStation but then we had to endure an absolute age in Next while Zac was shopping for clothes. Yawnfest. The only thing that made it amusing was Marcus's gay side coming out in force! He tried on sunglasses and kept on accidentally making very camp gestures and phrases. Bless. He's bi but he has now changed his facebook to interested in men so we can only assume he doesn't care for boob any more.


After that we eventually mished back to Blandford where we collected vehicles and went back to Dan's. Zac went home but Marcus stayed with us, and Dan's mum kindly offered us all dinner which we gratefully accepted. So we watched Metalocalypse while Dan fell asleep (I also missed an episode, I was awake, then I was awake again and there's a bit missing in between), we had some munchies, and we went to the pub.

The pub was...empty, then a few people turned up, and left again, and Zac turned up as well, and more people came and went. Eventually for some reason we ended up following Zac to some house party 20mins walk away that April was at. We got there, she was drunk, I knew nobody, Dan knew a few people and Marcus knew nobody either and seemed just as awkward and uncomfortable as me. After a short while I gently encouraged that we should leave, so we made our way out with Ed who had come from the pub with us and headed right back to the pub with the idea of a quick drink before closing then mishing on home. Pub was closed though already, so we went on to the next one and found that was closed too. Eventually it was decided to part ways with Ed and go back to Dan's where Marcus swiftly departed too.

I stayed overnight and it was a lovely night. I mean really nice. It's a night I won't be forgetting, ever. I had to be up early Monday to get to the jobcentre though and that was a bitch. I did not want to get up, at all! Dan didn't want me to either, he didn't have to work til late so I don't blame him. I left at about 8, leaving me an hour to do a 30min trip and change and pick up my paperwork. Well there was a traffic jam, for about 15miles. If I hadn't had 2 wheels to be able to drive right past it I would have been stuck until well after midday! I arrived late to the jobcentre at 9.30am and without the booklet. They weren't impressed but it wasn't my fault so I think they let me off this time. Must not repeat!

After that was done I went home for a while then drove out again to Gillingham to pack everything from the room and move out. It only took a couple of hours and it was all ready to go just when Dad turned up. We loaded the car and went back after a brief farewell to my landlady. We were talking in the kitchen for a short while together, and she really mentioned how it seeme like since I'd been there my entire life had been transformed and me with it.

I think she was right, you know, when I moved in I was in full time work in a job I didn't like, had just got out of a relationship that had gone more than a bit sour, and was barely going out. Since then I'd lost the job, changed my life plan to go to Uni and do something worthwhile, been out and about meeting more people and making more friends and just got together with a new boyfriend. I've changed as a person in that time, and I think it's all for the better. I just need the last pieces of the puzzle to fall in to place and my life will be complete.

~~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~~

Sometimes life throws you into the sea in a storm, but if you swim through the lightning and the waves you'll land in paradise.

Jenivere Out.




Monday, 6 July 2009

BrainVomit - Spontaneity and the Start of Something New

Well where do I start? Well when I left off on Monday night the plans were uncertain. By Tuesday we had worked out that Dan was going to find a way up to Poole to stay with me for a night then meet his sister in town on Wednesday and go back with her that day to Blandford. Well, that was the plan. You know how spontaneous things are from these records, so how about I tell you, dear reader, what actually happened.

Dan did come over, with a lift from Zac, so that was one part of the plan that went according to, well, plan! He arrived about 7.30pm ish, and dad was on his way out for a whilethough not before the usual phrases like “don't do anything I wouldn't do, oh actually scrap that do whatever you like but safely!” (Dan and the others think he's a total dude for the stories like the time he left me the house to myself to look after the cats for a weekend, said I could invite over my boyfriend at the time, and left a large pile of condoms on the table and proceeded to call me several times with the phrase “have fun but play safe”....to me that's a little too forward but they think he's a dude...ho hum...). So anyway, he went out, we sat and played games in my room for a while. It was fun, turns out he's no good at Guitar Hero without the guitar controller (I still don't have the dongle back for that one) and I can still hand his ass to him on a shiny platter at Worms but he absolutely destroyed me at Wipeout HD. I'll have to practice, or get him playing other games I can beat him at!

After a while my dad got back, and we went to sit in with him for a while so Dan could have a smoke and I could make waffles. Nothing beats belgian waffles lightly toasted with icing sugar on top. Yum! So anyway he and dad got talking, they seem to get on well which is nice, though the poor guy was subjected to double the terrible humour when me and dad got going. We're witty, just in our own little way.

After that we went in and played a few more games, I won hands down at Soul Calibur 4 which really didn't surprise me at all, but Dan seemed shocked that he's not indestructable with Kilik. Win! Eventually we opened the wine he'd brought with him (South African red, he seems very particular that it has to be that type but I think he'd drink whatever was given to him to be honest, we shall test the theory soon) and put on a film. He'd brought Yes Man with him, and I had Churchill The Hollywood Years lined up as a second choice. We got comfy just chilling out hugging on my bed watching Yes Man, then put on Churchill after and fell asleep sometime just after 3am while watching Churchill.

It's a shame, I love that film it's funny and has a brilliant mostly British cast of acting greats, from Vic and Bob to Rik Mayall and Harry Enfield. But I noticed Dan had fallen asleep and I was so tired as well that I was practically closing my eyes and stopped fighting it. Personally I would like to hold the wine responsible!

Well it wasn't all too long before I slowly woke realising that my phone had been going off with a text message alert for a while. It likes to repeat itself every few minutes until I read the message. My phone however was hanging on its hook on the other side of the room forcing me to get up. The message wasn't one I particularly wanted at 4.10am, and to be honest I don't know quite how to reply so at the time of writing this I still haven't. But that's not the point here really...

So we were awake again. I turned off the film and went to put on some chill music until Dan stopped me and handed me the latest Cure album, 4:13 Dream, strangely apt, so I copied that onto the PS3 HDD and added it to the chill playlist which I started and squeezed back on to the bed. It's only a single, I don't have room for anything more, but it was comfy enough for 2, just. So around 4.30am, well, we kissed, and that's where officially it wasn't he and I any more it was most definitely WE. I like that.We. And we did a lot of kissing, and a bit of biting, I tell thee he makes an impression on a lady, a dental impression - evidence of his handiwork is going to take a lot to hide!

After an hour or so we went back to sleep again, being still tired but very content we had a bit of unconscious CQC. Now that's not the kind you'll find Snake doing to an enemy soldier, no no, this was “Close Quarters Cuddling”. Much more apt! So there you have it, folks, no longer single. I have a boyfriend. I like muchly. It just felt so natural and not rushed. I've actually learnt to slow down and enjoy life rather than rushing through it. We're still getting to know each other so though we shared the same bed we were both clothed and only kissed. Well ok we hugged and held hands too, but nothing more than that. Bless him he's such a gentleman, after the first kiss he looked at me and asked “is it wrong I've been wanting to do that since Saturday?” Well I told him no of course not but it almost didn't seem quite right then, I was too drunk/sobering up slowly and it just didn't feel quite right. But this was perfect and good things are worth the wait.

So the next day I wake at the usual 8am, well actually 7.30am just to piss me off even more with the paradox and couldn't get back to sleep. By 9am I slid out of bed and put the oven and kettle on. I made us tea and coffee, and cooked some of those halfbake baguettes til golden brown and filled them with bacon and fried eggs. When I took it in to my room Dan was still asleep but didn't seem to mind beng woken up, he said it's the first time anyone's done him breakfast in a long time. Well, first of many, dude, if you're with me you get treated right. That's how I roll.

After breakfast we just relaxed back on/in bed and listened to music and played a couple more games of Worms. After a while we found out his sister had overslept just as much so he wasn'tgoing to be able to hitch a lift home after all. Well instead we decided to go in to town anyway just the 2 of us and have a little look around the comic store and the game shop. We caught a bus in despite my penniless moaning that we should just walk instead he paid my fare and we went on in around 1pm ish. After some mishing around town looking about, and a few comics later too (he's a bit of a comic geek, bless, but he's still not as sci fi as me – close but no dice) he bought us a quick snack, red bull and water and we headed off to Poole Park.

It was a beautiful day and we sat on a bench with a snack and came up with various theories about the geese being an organised gang, and pointed out one of the swans as the obvious sniper hanging back in the distance watching. We took a few photos, he made a short video, and we laid on the grass for a while working out what to do.




Now, please keep in mind dear reader it was a warm day and I'd come out in shorts, walking boots, a tshirt and a short jacket with nothing useful in my bag. We decided that he would pay for my fares to get a bus back to Blandford and stay at his house then bus it back in the morning when he went to work. Spur of the moment plan, and I was apprehensive at not having any spare jeans if it got cold or rainy, but before I knew it there we were on the bus to old Blannie!

We arrived about 6.30pm ish, and went back to his to relax. About 9pm we headed pubwards through town to see if the others were up there. We walked in holding hands to see if anyone noticed but they were all outside, so instead he bought us a pint of Stowford cider (very nice cider) each and we just went out normally and sat down. When we were sat he looked at me and we held hands on the table. After half a minute Chris just said bluntly “guys we all know you're together now, you look really uncomfortable like that so just let go already.” Word spreads fast apparently! Well I guess it isn't all too surprising when Dan said he was asked why he wasn't going out on Tuesday night when they all know it's his day off work Wednesday and told a few people he was going to see me. You just can't keep a secret in that town. Not that it was a secret but, well, you know!

So everyone knew, in fact they probably all knew before me! Well Chris decided he wanted to embarass us, he told us he was going ot plot something and came back with rum and coke. Needless to say we were a bit apprehensive... Well he lost. He sat down, sipped his rum with an evil look in his eye and a grin on his face, waited for a moment of silence then loudly asked “how was the fucking?” Fail! We just calmly, and truthfully, told him we haven't yet. Bingo. No embarassment for us but he was not expecting that answer! Giggles :) and more hugs, which was nice.

You know, saying everyone knew that's not entirely true. April turned up later, but she wasn't too enthusiastic at the news as she seemed to be having a bit of a bad night. She did however claim it to be all her doing because of the beach last Tuesday night and said we should have got it together sooner. We both agree things happened in their own good time and not before, there's no reason to rush now. I mean, we've both been there before, and ok we've both not had any in a long time either but still it's just so nice to relax and not pressured. I mean it probably won't be long but then like everything else has seemed to with us it'll happen in its own good time, when it feels right.

So anyway, later on we were going to leave but then realised everyone else seemed to be inside or on the phone, so if we left April was going to be sat there on her own. We were just going out the gate when Dan pointed that out so we went over and sat with her. At one point she just got really stressed out at not finding a lighter, like it was the last straw, and got up and left her stuff behind walking off down the road. I ran and caught up with her and we sat on the wall for a minute and talked about what was up. I think I helped to cheer her up, she went back with me and we found another lighter so she could smoke and chill out.

After a while, April went home with Emma looking a little happier than she had before. We were headed for Dan's sister's for a cuppa, which was bloody good because, well, shorts, tshirt, jacket, sod all else, add those up and you get a me turning very blue at midnight! We stayed there for an hour and a bit I guess, then got a lift back to his to crash out for the night. So random how I ended up there but it was good.

Bless the awkwardness of the beginnings of things he went out to change and came back in boxers looking sheepish holding his clothes covering his chest and muttered something about me not seeing him topless yet. Is it possible there's someone more awkward than me out there?! Well I opted to play it safe and stay clothed. Even kept my socks on but in my defence my feet were bloody freezing. We talked a while and I don't remember when but I think we both eventually fell asleep at some point. His cat spent the night trying to decide who to sleep on, so I kept waking up as she switched from me to him and back again.

Morning rolled on in and I woke at precisely 7.59am with the cat stepping off the windowsill on to my chest with a smug look on her face. She then sat on Dan's chest, curled up, and gave me the most evil look while reaching out a paw in my direction and flexing claws at me. We kept that up for about an hour, with me half dozing off between staring contests, then slowly Dan started to join the world of the waking partly or maybe even mostly thanks to his alarms. Like when I used to have to be up, he has several and goes back to sleep a good few times before he gets up.

Seriously some of the similarities are uncanny, he even says very random things when he's starting to fall asleep in the middle of conversation. Like at my house, we were both half asleep and I mentioned something about bacon and eggs for breakfast and he muttered something about the web of intruige! Prototype on the brain, so perfectly game-geeky it could be forgiven if he wasn't a 360 player. Oh well, I'm working on converting him with the power of MGS4.

But anyway, back to this morning when we woke up, we spent a long time just cuddling, with a few odd kisses, still half asleep but just so relaxed. We spent a good couple of hours like that before we had to concede and gt up so he could go to work. Good job he had the late shift! My bus was at 12:47 and he had to be at work by 1pm so we left together and parted ways at the bus stop. Bless he made me promise to text him when I got on the bus. I'm really not used to this nice guy business, I mean I actually kinda feel cared for and you know what? It feels good. It feels good to be wth someone who is happy to be with me, who gets excited about the very near possibility and tells several close friends about liking me...I feel special and happy and wish to return the favour. I think it's going to be just fine, staying chilled and just moving at a pace that's natural, not forced, not rushed, not fueled with all the adrenaline of a quick thrill, but slow relaxed and just going where it should go when it is right to go there. I apologise dear reader you must be bored of my rambling but again I don't want to forget my thoughts and feelings and all of the crazy events in between.

I did almost neglect to mention the busker though. We came across a guy busking with an electro acoustic guitar, a V shaped one at that and playing exceptionally well, so Dan gave him some money and on the way back we stood and listened for a couple of songs. Later, when we were at the bus station waiting for ours to turn up we saw him walking through and talked to him for a good 10minutes. Turns out he has a band that are fairly big underground and are well known in the business, and he just does the street work for fun and something to do then gives the change to his kids as pocket money. Not entirely sure hoe much of that was true and how much was bullshit but he said their album is on sale in HMV so we'll check it out. Spiritualised. That's the one. I'll check this theory. Either way he was a bit of a dude, quite cool and it was certainly a random occurrence to mark the day right there.

It's 11pm right now, we're having the internet installed in the morning so hopefully I will get this uploaded with some pretty pictures for you, dear reader, to break up the endless writings. The weekend is sure to bring more as DHIBBS are due to roll out again, and we should be attending a BBQ/pool party on Sunday. I need to check the logistics of it as soon as I get online but I'm sure it'll be fine. I can't wait to see Dan again. Even before we got together, wow it hasn't even been 48hours yet, but still, even when we were just friends I always really liked talking to him. It's just like being drawn to someone magnetically, their company is just enjoyable and you could talk for hours without ever saying a word.

Scrap that it's 11pm Friday and I have the internet back at home. Huzzah! Expect more after the weekend!

~~~~~~~~ Thoughts of the Days ~~~~~~~~~

Life is an ocean. Sometimes there are waves that make it hard to swim, sometimes there are storms that make it hard to see, sometimes the sun shines so brightly on the water it blinds us to the clouds... At the end of the day, you can only sink or swim so you may as well go with the tide and ride the waves, hoping if you find land you will not be alone.

Even the stars shine brighter when viewed with more eyes.

BrainVomit - Cleaning out the Skeletons and Fresh Starts

My phone inbox has been filled up with old messages I haven't deleted for months. I went through and copied some of them on to a document then deleted them from my phone. I don't need them any more they mean nothing to me now. Well actually what they do mean is that I was right. The words themselves prove things that were argued strongly against me by somebody.

This person believe they weren't leading me on emotionally but well shall we review? “Can I sleep with you plz? I don't wanna sleep any other way. X” or maybe “Hehe. Wish had time spent together or had the internet...” or perhaps “Flattery will get you anywhere miss stunt :p” followed by “Hehe was just using the phrase :p but you know i'm yours already :)” because all of that is of course purely sexual so there's absolutely no emotional context behind that, nothing that would possibly lead a person to believe there was something there. And now a close friendship seems all but lost because they don't want to talk to me, personally I believe it's because they know they wrong. I'm letting go, clearing out the messages and listening to the very apt “The Noose” by A Perfect Circle... “I'm more than just a little curious how you plan to go about making your amends to the dead.” / “Your halo is slipping, your halo is slipping down to choke you now.”

But that was weeks ago, nay almost months ago now. That's a mistake I'm not going to hold on to or regret, I'm just going to learn from it. My heart wasn't broken because I hung on to it and didn't let it go. Sure I could have let myself fall but this time I held a rope, in some ways I was expecting it to end like that. Now I'm erasing the last bits of it so I'm not carrying my mistake with me. I feel lighter, like a weight is lifting. Ohhh an even more apt song, here's some lyrics for you. “I thought we had more, I thought we had more, or was there something I didn't know? You lied to me, you lied to me, you don't care if you're hurting me. // Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone out there at all?” Track change, something happy. Snow, RHCP, that'll do.

I'm feeling a lot more of the inner balance and stability that I know I should right now. I also feel like I'm smiling a lot even though I'm not on the outside there's definitely a smile in there somewhere! I guess I just don't feel quite as lonely now, I get very sad when I'm alone. Maybe over the years I've become too needy, maybe just too soft. My hard exterior will remain though but I think the people closest to me already know it's a bit of a face sometimes... Well, let's just keep living life and see what it brings me. Hopefully by the time I upload this it will bring me tidings of money, I hear my landlady wants to speak to me before.Wednesday which I assume is regarding rent and moving out days...mother also reminded me the 18th is some family get together meal at her place for my stepdad's 60th, and dad just rang to say we're having the internet installed this week hopefully, so it's all good!

Also just listening to Radiohead randomly, a band I know Dan quite likes, halfway through the song I get a message from him. Random, and awesome, and funny - “Had the funniest thing happen at work today, a bloke came in for sausages, and I said do you want to mix and match jumbo and licolnshire and he said “i'd have eaten what ever you gave me” I so nearly snoogan'd but stopped myself lol” I could only reply with “Haha! Nicely done! So you have many sausages at work, of different, some of which are jumbo, and people go there to get some? Snoogans! :D” ...I should explain that “snoogans” is a phrase from Jay and Silent Bob, which we are using to replace the now overused “giggity” whenever something is sexual innuendo. Ho hum! Funny :) I laughed, out loud indeed.

~~~~~~~~ Though of the Day ~~~~~~~~

Sometimes you need to let go of things even if you're not holding on to them in the first place. A clean page is the best place to write a story, you can't expect a happy ending when words are already smudged and erased.

Jenivere Out.

Sunday, 5 July 2009

BrainVomit - Waiting, Balance, Change, and an Epic Night Again

~~~~~~~~~ Friday 11:50pm – Waiting ~~~~~~~~~~

I've been assured several times the DHIBBS crew are on their way but it's nearly midnight and they're still not here. I don't blame them, I mean they were at Bryanston having a good time and I'm just stuck out here with no fuel and no money for fuel because, just when I thought I'd been paid my JSA and all was well it turns out I have nothing. Again.

I'm grateful they're still driving all the way out here to come get me, would have been nice if it was earlier I'm worried there's so little of the weekend left now but I guess I can just relax for now, listening to The Cure, and be patient.

I've realised that right now my life lacks an essential thing – balance. I'm so all over the place I just have no stability. I guess I didn't really need cards to tell me that but they certainly helped give me a little bit of clarity. Yes, reader, I am getting back in touch with my spiritual side. I found I can to a small degree share telepathy with a tiny minority of people. There's a few people I can be sat near and just pick up on specific thoughts, like they're going to meet someone at such a place and such a time is one example from when I was 16. I closed off for a few years, seeing as -someone- disapproved, but it's ok now I can just open up and let loose. The other day in the pub some likeminded people were around and I managed to transmit a strong image of the colour bright blue, like lightning, to one of them without her realising it. Well she was trying to aura read, and I just focused and looked into her eyes until a minute of silence later she said she saw a bright blue line horizontally between us. Strange, no?

I wish they would hurry up, but when Dan rang he did say the plan was still on. He actually had the nerve to tell me to stay awake! I replied “Dude, you're telling ME to stay awake?!” and apparently the exact same moment Marcus standing next to him said “You're telling JEN to stay awake?!” - giggles! They know me too well already! I'm taking Minx's advice and relaxing, just calming the feck down because I move too fast sometimes. I guess that's just the way I am and it's hard to change, but one should never stop trying to better oneself, no?

I want to be in the sea right now, diving underneath the waves until I can feel the sand of the depths in my fingers.Being underwater is so liberating, so free, so peaceful but invigorating. If I couldn't go to the sea I would probably go mad. I'll never live inland it's not right, I am lost without the soothing feel of water enveloping me, lifting me, making me weightless and almost powerless in the tides. Maybe I should have been born a fish?

Oh hurry up guys I'm getting bored sat here! If I didn't know you were on your way for the last few hours but then found out you got caught up with the others in Blannie I wouldn't be half as bored, but it's because I'm clockwatching and looking out the window I'm getting a little impatient. Must...learn....to....relax!!!

~~~~~~~~~ Sunday – Coming Down Again ~~~~~~~~~~

Wow. Well just after I wrote the last bit of that a car pulled up and Dan and Marcus were outside my window. That's where the night began. We headed off to Lulworth, or at least that was the plan but at 1am in the darkness we spent a very long time driving around in circles, through army firing ranges that had signs everywhere just saying “Sudden Gunfire”. Comforting, then we saw tanks, thankfully not active and almost hit a deer before we finally reached Lulworth....to discover the tide was in and there was nowhere to go.

A short while later we were just down the coast at Durdle Door, walking down to the cliffs with a tent, and a case of beer amongst other things. Later the guys went up to get a tent and some sleeping bags, I really should have taken mine with me our feet got very cold! We picked a spot on the cliffs (as seen below in morning, we arrived in pitch black darkness and did not know where the edge was so stuck sensibly close to the path), and first of all just laid out our coats and had a pint. When the tent and sleeping bags got brought down I was already pished from the few I'd had already, so I opted out of helping Zac put up his tent other than to look at it and declare “you're doing it all wrong dude”. Instead, me, Dan and Marcus shared one sleeping bag spread on the ground with another over the top of us.

It was fairly windy but we sat up talking, while Zac went to sleep in the tent. Dan was in the middle, and me and Marcus were huddling up to him for warmth. It ended up just being me huddled up to him after some tickling took place with both of us. Marcus eventually went to sleep, which he has since denied, and it was left just the 2 of us talking as usual. We were sharing wine, and to be fair Marcus was on and off sleeping I guess so we weren't really alone but we were so warm and relaxed, well it was just so nice.

Come morning, Marcus went to the tent and Zac came out, we sat a while the 3 of us still talking, then when Marcus was up we had some kettle chips which passed as breakfast at 7am. After that, Dan and I made some excuses about wanting to go for a wander when the others wanted to rest a bit longer and headed up to the cliffs. He took my hand as we went up and it felt somehow....natural. We stopped at one point and lay in the grass for a while, talking and chilling, then walked on a bit further to the top and did the same again.

We didn't kiss, and I'm almost glad because I really don't want to rush headlong at my usual 100mph pace and screw up, and besides dry mouth from drinking is never good first thing in the morning. Maybe I should have, but all is well. I'm back to my usual shy self despite this recent confidence, I'm sorry to report the confident, grabbing life by the balls Jenivere is just as nervous when it comes to this kind of thing. It seems he's just as awkward, or just such a gentleman or so laid back it didn't matter. Either way...that's how it is for now. Maybe when I see him next....time will tell dear reader, time will tell all.

Well after we packed up and left Durdle Door, we went back to my place in Poole and played a few games of Worms, despite the plan to watch a film! It was greatly enjoyed by all apart from Zac who was on and off sleeping. He never seems to really enjoy or get in to the Sunday afternoons with DHIBBS. It was a short one today though because Dan's cousin's kid's christening was at 3pm so he had to go and look smart for that. All the time we'd been there the 3 guys crammed on my bed and I had the chair, so when they were leaving Dan hung back last and we had a really long hug, complete with mutterings about the weekend being super amazing awesome epic win. That was an hour ago and I'm still smiling. He text me a short while ago “Gone from looking like alex mercer to a shirt and smart trousers. The worm mercs will get the epic win next time!! X” which made me smile more. Bless me I think I'm starting to relax a bit.

Thing is I'm still paranoid about not being liked, given what my ex said and a recent occurence too doing nothing to dispel that fear it's difficult, but I have to remind myself to slow back down to earth pace again, not travelling at the speed of Jen. Listening to some chill music now which is helping but it's also making me sleepy! Oh dear! Fail!

I hope my money properly clears tomorrow, then I'm free to go to Blandford and go pub with the gang, and same again Tuesday, then I can stay at Dan's til Wednesday or he said maybe Thursday as he's working a late then. Ho hum we shall see, if not he can stay here I guess, but he has to get here and back which is more of a problem.

~~~~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~~~

Happiness can be found in the most unexpected of places, if you have to look you won't find it.

Jenivere Out.