BrainVomit - Another Message...

I've had another message. To add to those previously unwanted ones. I must have been having an off day yesterday to let it get to me because today I don't feel quite as put out by it. Still...

~~~~~

fine, its good to know that all i did for you over the 4 years is worth something. i was a fool to trust you when you told me that you would always be there for me. i wish yould never followed me out of that music room and tried to help me. the damage youve caused because of that outweighs all of the things in my life put together. you are the only person i ever trusted and you gave me the only 4 years of my life that were happy. i was looking forward to a future with you....

~~~~~

Ok. Right. whatever you say assface. Let's look at this. What did you really do for me over 4 years? You spent my money, stopped me living my life, told me my friends hated me and nobody would ever love me, convinced me I was crazy and you were the only thing keeping me together, kept me under your thumb only doing what you wanted when you wanted, tried and indeed in some ways succeeded in changing me and moulding me into what you wanted me to be, became an alcoholic bastard pushing me to drinking too and nearly destroyed both of us.

Yes. Of course. That was worth something. It was worth moving on from and never going back to. So I told you I would always be there for you. Well you told me you'd never hurt me. We were both wrong. You said you'd always be there for me too and never stop me being who I wanted to be or doing what I wanted to do but on my 21st birthday you called me a slut and demanded that I change what I was wearing or pin it up and prevented me from having fun with my friends because of your own goddamn insecurities.

You trusted me, I trusted you, you shattered that trust and any help I tried to give you was constantly thrown back in my face. You didn't want to be helped. I shouldn't have followed you that day but I wouldn't leave a person to suffer, it's just who I am. I have learned from you that not everyone can be helped. You're a lost fucking cause to still be tugging at my ankles after months apart like some kind of sick puppy.

Bullshit the damage I caused is worse than that, get a grip. I left you for good reason and we were falling apart. You know fulwell the most damage was done when you lost someone dear to you and your parents split up leaving you with intense abandonment issues, oh and your ex before me but then you never did get around to telling me that you left her first right after you got your first shag and bragged about it. I don't blame her for fucking you over after that one. If you'd tried that on me, you would have been hospitalised for a long time, buddy, a fucking long time, having your bollocks pulled back down from where they'd been kicked up into your gut.

Happy 4 years? Are you fucking kidding me?! You were an angry and depressed and for the last 2 years alco-fucking-holic too - that's happy?! Stop talking out of your arse I've never heard such bullshit in my life. Even when you were happy, like going out once every blue moon, I'd never hear the end of how shit it was as soon as we got back. You're one problem I could have done without. I don't believe the spin you're trying to put on this. Fuck off, grow up, and get a life. I have my own and I'm living it the way I want now, not under someone elses rules.

That feels better.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Booze Glorious Booze and Ready for the Day

Ok, I admit. Last night I might have got a little bit overly stressed, and may have lashed out a fair bit, but to be fair I stopped replying until another reply was sent unprovoked by somebody who couldn't let it drop. That's why I blame them for winding me up, that and they seem to be picking exactly the things to say that would piss me off to make me look angry and foolish. Well ok, I was both, but in the end, after time and cooling off, did I not apologise? I believe I did. And it was ignored. The very same ego I mentioned before shows itself once again by not acknowledging any fault even when blame was shared evenly with an honest apology and wish to stop the bad feelings. Even ground, it's not like one party being entirely at fault, it takes 2 to tango. So you know what? Whatever. Until you can grow up and accept a little responsibility for your own actions and words, and the way they can make other people feel, which really seems beyond you given past happenings as well, you can just carry on and I'll leave you to it. Rant over.

So anyway, last night I was a bit frustrated over various things, with other things adding in to the mix. I found that the very best idea I had all night was to just grab myself a lukewarm pint of Magners (none had been put in the fridge yet, fail) and chill the fuck out with some music. I spoke to a very good and trusted friend briefly too which helped, bless her she's an absolute saint and always listens and understands, I hope she knows I am here if ever she needs the same, or anything really I'm just here.

Today...right now...what the frick am I doing? Well I'm sat on my bed writing a blog and doing facebook quizzes. What should I be doing? Finishing unpacking, making a video of DHIBBS and having a bath ready to go out later. Well, we can't have it all, can we.

You know for the first time, like, ever, I'm at a dilemma for what to wear today - jeans and tshirt or skirt and tshirt? Normally the choice isn't hard, but somehow it's different when you want to look your best for someone. I could go off the wall and wear something feminine, or actually nice, but I don't want to give anyone a heart attack from the shock. Seeing as I've put on half a stone in the last 2 weeks (my weight goes up and down so much I can't keep track of it) I think the tie-up shirts are out of the question....could get away with skirt and tshirt...think that'll do. Now which tshirt....hmmm.... Duck Hunt tshirt and red skirt, Doc Martens and possibly fishnets and a nicer top under the tshirt if I feel brave. Bingo. And that took, what, 2minutes? 120seconds? How does it take some people so long to get ready?! Bath later, hair in bun with red headband and the infamous hat which should now be clean from the bird incident. Sorted.

I should stop writing at the speed I think and just get on with it, one last load of washing and a bit of tidying and this room will be a palace of awesome. Pics and or video when I'm done.

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~

Life changes when someone else walks in to it, suddenly all these little things you think of alone you want to share with that one who shares your mind.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Call of Duty Madness Warfare and an Untimely Headache

I love Call of Duty 4. You could even say I'm obsessed with it. So tonight, my one evening in this week where I have free time to play, I tried to organise a bit of a game between buddies. I go on a little early to make sure my new headset works, and get invited straight in to a game hosted by someone else. Awesome, sure. But then there's a few things I notice very quickly.

Firstly, they made team games when the numbers were uneven - not something that usually works well because it's unfair to the team with less players. And secondly, well, let's put it this way when I host sometimes I set different rules to make it a bit more interesting and stop it being just the same old same old. Every time I do, I clearly ask anyone if they have preferences, nobody ever says "don't do this" or "how about that", but they nearly always complain when we start the match. BUT then when someone else is hosting and makes up ridiculous rules suddenly it's the best thing ever and everyone's going batshit about how awesome it is.

13 people on a free for all on shipment, old school rules and headshots only, with the added rule of jumping constantly? If I'd suggested that it'd be mutiny! It was fairly fun though, apart from the constant fucking airstrikes did my head in after a while and someone thought it would be a great idea to set the score limit high and no goddamn timer. Good going, genius, that could have ended a lot sooner than it did. 20minutes of any one match is too long! 15 is a good maximum though the 10min standard is all you need for a good fair game, not too long and enough time to get a good round in.

And then afterwards it was a team game, again with uneven teams, but search and destroy? Come on! What's the point?! That many people it was just a sodding killing spree with the addition of some poor bastard trying to pick up a bomb now and then. Uneven teams and people using Juggernaught and Martyrdom...great... So I suggest going to some team deathmatch if we're doing team games, I mean by that point it really was useless trying to get the bomb let alone plant, guard or defuse the fucking thing. But no, my suggestion was met with mockery. My stress level was just peaking at that point from the earlier stresses and the frustration of constantly spawning on the wrong side of the map, sprinting over and being killed before I could even round a corner.

Sure it's what the game is about but it gets old quickly when you're not concentrating and keep dying. So I quit. No warning, I mean why bother I doubt anyone would give a shit I dropped out anyway. My mind is now just too full and spinning from today to even try again. Console off, may put it on for some music soon but for now...I just need to get my head back straight because I am not dealing with the pressures in it right now. And to think today started so well...I can't wait for tomorrow. Supposed to be going to some dude's party in Blandford but all I want to do is see Dan and remember how it is to actually relax. I wish we were on a beach somewhere right now just watching the sunset, it's such a beautiful night.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Unwanted Messages

I've been getting messages on my PSN from my ex. Unwanted messages. I replied to one, once, just before I picked up my stuff but no other...I'll copy them here to give me a bit of clarity because they're really bugging me.

~~~his messages~~~

23/6
Hi, can we meet up and talk? I understand if you dont want to... I dont know what else to say so ill just say im sorry for bothering you.
Dean

25/6
i can understand if you dont want to see me but you could have at least answered my message. i just want to sit down somewhere quiet like a cafe and talk things over. we dont even have to talk face to face, we both have msn. please think about it.

25/6
im sorry if i sounded pissed off earlier. truth be told its just that i miss your company alot right now. you are the closest friend ive ever had and pretty much the only person ive ever been able to confide in and relate to... i just miss what we had... im sorry.

~~~my reply~~~

26/6
Hadnt been online. Trouble with connecting ps3 to net and have been away and out a lot, moving house etc. Will think about it. No promises though. Am out all this weekend anyway, Clouds reunion tomorrow and then clubbing/beach after with the guys and girls from Blandford. Pretty busy next week too tbh, jobcentre and uni app to do. Must sort day to collect stuff too but that will not be a day for talking.. will let you know. PS could you give me your dads email add please, thanks.

~~~his replies~~~

27/6
$%&£*$^*"#~"~£$@hotmail.com.....i think.... Thankyou for thinking about it at least... i dont mind waiting if you've got a lot going on. Dean

27/6
I take it you know what it is i want to talk to you about?

3/7
Hi not trying to push as I dont mind waiting but I was just wondering if you thought about or were at a conclusion yet? you know what I want to talk about right?

5/7
jen im not sure if youve got the other message yet but i really need to talk to you. i dont mean to put pressure you but there is alot i have to explain and alot i need to say. im sure you know what its about so im hoping your willing to listen. please get into contact with me one way or the other.

5/7
I've realised why I made all the mistakes i did and I cant express how sorry I am..... I tried to do the best for you i could for 4 years please dont just forget me...........

15/7
please respond jen. i may have screwed up but i dont deserve this. i miss you so much. my memories torment me and im falling to pieces because of it. you were my world..... the only person i could trust or cofide in, the only stability ive ever had in my life. i still cant believe youve dont this to me. i would have done anything for you............

~~~~~~

Maybe it's a conscience lingering, maybe it's pity, but I keep thinking I should reply now but the twisted thing is the last thing I want to do is get in contact with him again. Dear reader if you have read the history written many a blog page ago you will know why. Do I accept the apology or take the implied guilt in the last 2 lines of that message? That's the thing, he is still in my head because he knows how to make me feel guilty and twist me into believing I'm wrong. But I'm not. I'm right. He does deserve nothing more than my silence....but I can't break that nagging feeling....it's impossible. Just when things started to go so well, it's all gone pear shaped.

I know it seems easy from the outside to say well just talk to him and see what he wants or block him, but it's not that simple, this guy pretty much had control over me for 4/5years and that's not an easy thing to break. Why can't he just disappear and live his life happy and normal for fuck's sake....

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - When Things Can't Get Better Then They Do

I think you, dear reader, know what I'm about to write about from just the title now. I know, I know, I only finished the last entry last night BUT since then...well....let's just say there's nobody around but I just broke out into a big smile and a little "yay" just a moment ago. I'm happy. I'm so happy I'm starting to think I'm dreaming.

Last night, Dan was on msn for a while with a late shift today he figured he had the time to stay up and talk and catch up on facebook etc. Well I am really believing he's not real now because just when I think he's amazing enough he goes and says or does something even better!

~~~~~in his words~~~~~

~Made it through another, good excuse to celebrate~ says (23:52):
im listening to what im saying is our 'song' altho you probs havent realised it, but ive played it every time you've been round mine

foo fighters 'still'

'If you'd like to walk a while
We could waste the day
Follow me into the trees
I will lead the way

Bring some change up to the bridge
Bring some alcohol
There we'll make a final wish
Just before the fall

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

there be the lyrics

~~~~~wow~~~~~

~~~~~just wow~~~~~

It makes me even more annoyed that I kept blacking out over the laptop. Sore neck and missing conversation for the extreme fail! But still I keep on thinking how just right this all is. When I was starting to get paranoid that I was being too clingy or annoying he sends me a message saying he can't wait to see me Thursday, out of the blue. He is happy to be meeting my family on Saturday and even said he would have missed a friend's wedding for it because he'd rather be with me! Well I'd encourage against that and I don't think the wedding is for a while yet so I'll force him to go but still the sentiment is not what I'd have expected in a million years!

He also said the other day amongst other compliments I still can't get used to that I have an infectious smile. I couldn't help but make a terrible joke - "what so I'm diseased now?" - but it was just so nice....I really can't describe any of it, just unbelievable really. I never imagined I could meet someone with so much in common who works on such a similar wavelength they're already finishing my sentences and getting every little obscure reference I drop in to conversation...

In other news, Minx is back today. With both her and JB back in the country the Rocket Minions are once again complete, and seeing as those 2 are the pair I talk to the most I am happier, adore them both, adore the rest of the Minions too but Laura and John are probably the 2 that know me best. Other than Stew of course, but we just don't talk any more...ho hum... On with the games!

~~~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~~~

You're like a drug, you relax me and heal me, you have a side effect of making my face muscles twitch into a smile and I think I'm already addicted to the buzz of each little dose. Is it time for my medication yet?

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Studland Beach and Broken Poles!

I'm not in the mood to sit and write to be honest. I'm really restless. Maybe because I need to sit and just write but who knows?! I certainly don't right about now. Oh well. So where were we? Well last time I wrote it was a Friday night and I was going to get some rest ready for the Saturday ahead. And that Saturday...well...what a night!

We started as usual in the pub around 9pm. I got there half an hour earlier to see who was about, turned out a few people were there so I sat about, chatted a little, and waited for the crew to turn up. Dan arrived at about half past 9 or thereabouts and Zac wasn't far behind. Marcus had been there all along so we were ready to roll!

We headed straight out to Poole and on to the ferry for Studland. When we got there Zac wanted to find a proper campsite this week so he drove us around towards Swanage looking for one. My thoughts were confirmed when we arrived at one and found it was well and truly closed - I did doubt anywhere would be accepting new guests that late at night! Still, we got out and stretched our legs, did a quick bit of film of Marcus and Dan doing a pretty damned awesome Jay and Silent Bob and got back in to move on.


We ended up just driving back down to Studland beach. The signs said no overnight parking and no camping, but seeing as there was a campervan parked up there with people in we decided to ignore all that and parked up right behind before going to scout out the beach. It was empty, though the paths down there looked creepy in the dark, especially seeing a little kid's swimming costume hanging ominously on a fence. Rather than leaving people behind this time we all headed back to the car to grab the gear. It had been raining, and though it was a dry spell we were fairly sure it would again so got the tents ready to go.

We wandered down towards the dunes and found a nice spot slightly tucked away so we'd get a little shelter from the wind but still with a good view along the coast. Zac and Marcus got to work right away setting up their tent, Dan and I were having a laugh first so when we were halfway pitched the rain had already started up again. We put the 2 tents door to door, and seeing as our porch pole was broken we tied it across to join the 2 in the middle. The wind was pretty gusty and the rain did start to come down quite hard so we bundled inside, Zac in one tent with Marcus halfway in the doorway, Dan and I having the other tent to ourselves.


We got comfy, or as comfy as possible, and sat for a while talking and drinking Mickey Finns, a strong flavoured spirit like sour apple shots. Rather tasty if a little strong! After a while of talking together, Dan and I closed the door for some alone time. Well I had said that morning we got together that taking it slow was fine but well it had been a while and it just felt right all night so we ended up in a fairly nice situation in the tent until it was realised neither of us were prepared.

Now here, dear reader, is a tale of woe to never ever ever be seen outside the comforting walls of this blog. I know it's rather public to post here but you know I am always honest and I don't think I can really leave this one out as it's a part of the epic weekend that we will never forget.

Basically, we were unprepared as we hadn't planned to get to that stage that night, but you know things happen how they happen for a reason and it felt right. Dan knew Zac kept some in his car, and after a lot of back and forth between us and despite my last second protest he shouted across asking if he could borrow the car keys. When the others realised why Marcus started giggling and Zac was declining to relinquish the keys. Dan was already dressed again and ready to brave the cold, wind and rain just to go there and get it, which is dedication right there, but Zac really wasn't giving up his keys that easy. Eventually though he agreed to go himself. By this time I was so redfaced with shame I had to have a few more drinks to take the edge off the sober embarassment while Marcus giggled from the other side of the tent door.

You know it's not so bad doing something when other people are nearby if they don't know what's going on, even though you know they probably have figured it out you don't know that for sure so it's comforting. It's a very different matter when they know exactly what's going on and you know they know, and they've even got involved in making it happen. Oh dear... Well, without going in to detail I will just tell you dear reader that it was very much worth it. And after we talked, then got so tired that for once we actually fell asleep. Apparently Marcus was awake all night for the first time ever, so I feel kinda bad that we didn't talk to him more after Zac went to sleep but it was such a moment just between us that it felt like there was nobody else in the world that mattered.

So morning rolls on in and at 7am we're awake and stepping out in to the sunshine. The wind and rain had knocked bits of our tent over in the night and we'd put it back up again, from the inside, but as a consequence one of my shoes had been knoced out of the cover and was soaking with rain. Oh dear. We set about packing away the tents and were done fairly quickly, then decided to stay a short while on the beach in the morning sun.





I made a bit of a monument to our crew in the sand while the boys inspected the wildlife - Zac had gone to scout the dunes and seen a family of deer, so Dan and Marcus went off in search of more with my camera. They came back and were I think marginally impressed. To be fair they had started to help just before they left to go film so I can't take all the credit, just most of it apart from the I!


We walked a bit down the beach with my camera on self timer and the teeny tripod to get some group photos. My shoelessness really failed when I found the little plants were intensely spikey! Still we got some nice shots, and Dan took some of our shadows, one of which was just such a Breakfast Club moment it makes me smile to look at it now because that's how we felt - young, free, alive, and together just the little group of us who didn't know each other a month ago but now firm friends going out together every weekend.




The weekend didn't end when we left the beach, we filmed a little of the ferry crossing back to Poole and went to my place. The guys all had coffee and waffles while I made myself a small breakfast of toast and a cup of tea. Smashing. I put on the PS3 with the intention of listening to music or something but we ended up looking at all the pics and vids of DHIBBS so far. I got changed and we were all comfy so decided to stick around for a bit. I regretted this when Dan discovered PlayStation Home.

Now, those of you already familiar with PSHome know female avatars get a lot of unwanted male attention. Dan discovered how to dance and the madness began. I kept hold of my keyboard for dear life frantically typing that someone else had control of my avatar, but eventually I lost that too and watched in agony as my avatar started chatting up some random frenchman in the InFamous area. When he was done with that one I thought, great, we can go now....but then he found someone else who was then starting to give him bits of postcode! At this point the guys realised it was getting more creepy than funny and ran away, but were followed. Thankfully we decided to quit out and head on our next journey, but I do have 3 ominous friend requests on my PSN account....

So anyway back to the story. The plan was to head on to Salisbury where I knew a few of my mates might be. We didn't meet up with them in the end because I had no credit to contact, but it was still a nice day to be in the town and we had a good look around a few shops. I had to be dragged kicking and screaming (almost literally) from Game and GameStation but then we had to endure an absolute age in Next while Zac was shopping for clothes. Yawnfest. The only thing that made it amusing was Marcus's gay side coming out in force! He tried on sunglasses and kept on accidentally making very camp gestures and phrases. Bless. He's bi but he has now changed his facebook to interested in men so we can only assume he doesn't care for boob any more.


After that we eventually mished back to Blandford where we collected vehicles and went back to Dan's. Zac went home but Marcus stayed with us, and Dan's mum kindly offered us all dinner which we gratefully accepted. So we watched Metalocalypse while Dan fell asleep (I also missed an episode, I was awake, then I was awake again and there's a bit missing in between), we had some munchies, and we went to the pub.

The pub was...empty, then a few people turned up, and left again, and Zac turned up as well, and more people came and went. Eventually for some reason we ended up following Zac to some house party 20mins walk away that April was at. We got there, she was drunk, I knew nobody, Dan knew a few people and Marcus knew nobody either and seemed just as awkward and uncomfortable as me. After a short while I gently encouraged that we should leave, so we made our way out with Ed who had come from the pub with us and headed right back to the pub with the idea of a quick drink before closing then mishing on home. Pub was closed though already, so we went on to the next one and found that was closed too. Eventually it was decided to part ways with Ed and go back to Dan's where Marcus swiftly departed too.

I stayed overnight and it was a lovely night. I mean really nice. It's a night I won't be forgetting, ever. I had to be up early Monday to get to the jobcentre though and that was a bitch. I did not want to get up, at all! Dan didn't want me to either, he didn't have to work til late so I don't blame him. I left at about 8, leaving me an hour to do a 30min trip and change and pick up my paperwork. Well there was a traffic jam, for about 15miles. If I hadn't had 2 wheels to be able to drive right past it I would have been stuck until well after midday! I arrived late to the jobcentre at 9.30am and without the booklet. They weren't impressed but it wasn't my fault so I think they let me off this time. Must not repeat!

After that was done I went home for a while then drove out again to Gillingham to pack everything from the room and move out. It only took a couple of hours and it was all ready to go just when Dad turned up. We loaded the car and went back after a brief farewell to my landlady. We were talking in the kitchen for a short while together, and she really mentioned how it seeme like since I'd been there my entire life had been transformed and me with it.

I think she was right, you know, when I moved in I was in full time work in a job I didn't like, had just got out of a relationship that had gone more than a bit sour, and was barely going out. Since then I'd lost the job, changed my life plan to go to Uni and do something worthwhile, been out and about meeting more people and making more friends and just got together with a new boyfriend. I've changed as a person in that time, and I think it's all for the better. I just need the last pieces of the puzzle to fall in to place and my life will be complete.

~~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~~

Sometimes life throws you into the sea in a storm, but if you swim through the lightning and the waves you'll land in paradise.

Jenivere Out.