BrainVomit - Uncertainty, it's a Bitch

The one and only thing really bugging me right now, and I mean migraine level here I had to pause FF7 and lay with my eyes closed for 10mins over this one, is uncertainty. If there's something that should be known I would really rather I was just told. I was for a long time worried about my best friend, and paranoid that maybe I had really messed up and pissed her off bigtime. I wouldn't have been half as worried if she'd told me all that was going on sooner...not that I blame her at all, I completely understand and love her all the more right now for a whole bunch of reasons.

Quite simply right now I am more than a little concerned that there is something somebody isn't telling me. I might of course be completely wrong, but I have a feeling there's something out there unspoken that I just don't want to hear - but the not hearing it is of course far worse because I don't even know if it exists to be heard. And the only way to know it doesn't exist is to hear something to the contrary, that would make me so much more comfortable just knowing exactly where I stand.

The other thing that bothers me is never being able to actually help anyone, I usually seem to make things worse :s but the likelihood of me ever not trying is about the same as me winning the lottery, and I don't even play. *sigh* nobody told me life was so complicated, if I'd have known I'd have point blank refused to be born. Well, ok, that's a lie I would have done it all anyway but at least I'd have known what to expect!

Time for ice cream and headache pills.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Courage, How to be Blunt and The Importance of a Word

I'm doing this one backwards, I just wrote the title and now I'm going to tackle that backwards too. I like to shake it up a bit sometimes. This isn't a positive one. Sorry. I hereby promise to either put something more positive in this blog, or start another alongside it which will only include positive and interesting things...

So the importance of a word. Well, what can one little word mean? It's just one word describing something, I just don't want to take it and use it to define this, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that this word fits. I was talking to a friend today when she came to visit, she brought me lunch which was really lovely of her. We hadn't spoken much since my breakup, and she was curious to the details. I spoke freely, more freely than I have done before about it, and feel it is fine to out some more little truths because of the word I feel now more fits to what he was and what he did.

I still maintain, despite using this word, that it was most likely not intentional and rather as a result of the problems he was facing that I just couldn't fix, I also uphold that the full connotations of the word were not realised, but as I now have to admit it has a lot of different forms. It's a difficult thing to admit, it's like an admission of weakness which is something I despise, it's an accusation of guilt but it's undeniable now and every clearer to me that it could have been so much worse if I stayed because the lines kept blurring.....I'll stop avoiding it now. The word, is abuse. Emotional for the most part, and also mainly my own fault. He always told me to stand up for myself, and I'm fairly strong willed when I want to be, and over time I gained the confidence to do so. The thing he neglected to mention was that he didn't want me to stand up to him.

It's like my friend says, physical isn't exclusive to that which leaves bruises it's more about the force used to assert dominance, that's the abuse right there. So I'll be honest. There were times when I was fool enough to stand my ground. I never stood my ground well enough because I didn't want to hurt him, just do what was neccessary at the time. Most often this would be prising away alcohol or weaponry. One should not own a rifle when one is severely depressed and drunk. But anyway, this would end not in blows but instead with the assertion of who stood where. Which would range from him one side of a door and me the other, to him kneeling on my arms with a hand on my throat. Somewhere in between there were various pushes shoves and throws for purposes of relocating me to the wall, floor, bed or chair depending on the situation specifics.

You know, it's just a word, but it has so much of a stigma attached to it, I avoided it. I avoided attaching those connotations because it's difficult for me to swallow my pride and admit to being too weak. But you know what? It feels better. There's one more weight off my mind for now.

Well, on to the next, how to be blunt....I think I managed that above to a degree. In my last post I tried to do away with ambiguity, to be more honest than I have been. But as above, it's not an easy thing to do. And right now I'm weighing up some pros and cons before I just say things as they are. It's just fear holding me back, and all this time I'm trying to get rid of fear and get on with life...it's not as easy as I'd like it to be.

Courage....courage is something I need. All I will say for now is that I think some questions need to be asked, direct ones to get answers and clear up the confusion that is the cause of so much of my stress right now. I'm just worried that I might not like the answers I hear, or that by asking I will be provoking the answer I don't want simply because it's not right to ask now. I'll bide my time, see what tomorrow brings as it were.

I need to put this down and let my mind rest. It's....restless...it doesn't like being surrounded by uncertainty at every turn. Back to music it is, maybe that will bring me some peace.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Pressure, Meltdown, Fears and the Straws That Broke This Camel's Back

Time for some overdue spewings from my ever aching grey matter. I'm not very regular with this, simple reason being I don't always want to write, but when I do I just keep on going for hours at a time. I think this may be one of those times and I have had a build up because I've been meaning to write for days but have experienced the problem of writer's block (the form where I have something to write just can't be arsed to do so). Yeah. So I apologise for anyone who will attempt to read any kind of sense from all this I really don't feel like I'm going to make much of it....

You know, something that worries me right now is not just that I'm on the point of a complete mental meltdown from stress, it's that right now I want nothing more than a hard drink, preferably straight and in a pint glass so I can knock myself out with it and ignore all my problems. Instead, I'll just back off from anyone, avoid starting conversations and hopefully not screw anything up more than I potentially already have. Oh and I'm getting chest pains whenever I feel stressed out. Like now. I'm sure that's not a good sign...

My problem is dear reader being a far too deeply emotional person, I have gained the unfortunate habit of keeping it bottled up. Now, as physics will tell you, when you bottle something up and keep adding to it the pressure will grow until such a time as the top flies right off and there's a gigantic mess everywhere. Though it may appear to some to be an over-reaction to a trivial annoyance, the reality is I've once again allowed too much to brew beneath a (relatively) calm exterior and that one last straw just tipped the balance...

Everything I have mentioned before still gets to me despite my best efforts to not let it. I find myself increasingly paranoid that interaction with other human beings will only end badly, and am almost constantly terrified of putting a foot wrong. Quite honestly, I have difficulty now understanding people. I spent so long out of contact with most of humanity and only really getting to know how one person "ticked" that it's like the rest of the world is completely alien. I read too much in to things probably, or too little, and I all too often can't judge how other people think or feel about things - ignorance is not bliss, I forever seek knowledge and it drives me absolutely barmy not being able to get it. Which makes me make mistakes. Mistakes I just don't want to make any more.

The funny thing is, little as I understand others, I know that it would be a miracle to find anyone who understands a word I say. Example, I just let my brain out in a tiny burst a while ago with the following:
"Sometimes I feel like a complete disaster, like everything I attempt will somehow inexplicably go wrong, everything I try to fix will just end up more broken and everything I start will end before I even realise :( maybe I worry too much, but what if I do ruin all that I touch? :( how could I know without risking further damage? Is it time to quit while I'm behind?......"
Dear reader, do you think you or indeed anyone even has a clue what that means? The day someone actually understands me is the day I declare a miracle has occured. I hate to sound like an angsty teen "ohhhhh nobody gets me, wahhh" but it is an unfortunate truth....I fear never being understood, I fear more that nobody would ever want to try...but I don't quit...I'm not a quitter even if I ponder it sometimes...maybe I should make that clear in case dear reader you do understand.

So fear, well dear reader it seems I'm feeling particularly open today so I'll let you in on a little secret. My one and only greatest fear is of fear itself. Not in the way that people always quote that to make someone less afraid of something, not at all, I am truly terrified of the effects of fear on a person. Fear can make the mild mannered into monsters, turn the shy and retiring into the cornered animal waiting to bite, it can turn even the gentlest soul into a hateful vicious thing lashing out at all around it. Right now it's turning me into someone filled with all the things I hate most about myself, the paranoia, the constant worry, the clinginess, the sadness, the speed in which I react to things perhaps far too deeply than I should... And besides that, I fear being alone more than anything right now. I am scared that if I try to be near someone, try to end the loneliness, I'll try too hard, because it has been so long I only know how to be close to a person but not how to keep a distance and slowly get close, so I might just get too close too soon and that could spell disaster as much as anything. But enough of that, there's far more on my aching mind that must out soon too...

Ahh well, the next thing weighing heavily upon me is trying to get in to Uni. I want to study Mental Health Nursing, but I still need a reference, and the details of my grades and the exam boards I did them with. I need the certificates to tell me that and they are *somewhere* at my ex's. Wonderful. So not only am I sat here worried I may never complete the course thanks to my own levels of stress boiling over every week or so (or to reach this current stress level, every couple of months it gets this high), I'm worried I may not even get the chance to get in if I can't find things in time to apply. In the meantime I know I need to be looking for a job to be able to get my JSA but then how can I look for full time work when I'm planning to go to Uni in September (with any luck at least)?

Something else on my mind a lot is my dad. He's stressed, and I can tell that by looking at him, or more when his now ex partner enters either the room or his mind and he starts girpping and pulling at the arm of the sofa. Poor sofa. At least he has now sent me a message to say she finally got the paperwork for her side sorted so the sale of the house can go through - she has no more leverage on him. She has been using it to extort more and more money out of him, despite the fact that she has not long been back in work after having my now 5 year old half sister and spends all his money as fast as she possibly can. She's getting more than 2 thirds of the house sale value, and I can tell you for nothing that is not what she has earned or deserves. And she has STILL been after more. Not only that, she does feck all to help dad around the house, she is hindering his every effort to make the move go smoothly. She hasn't packed up a single thing of hers, and as he told me she expects someone else to do it all for her. Which she expects dad to pay for. Or do it himself. I'm so glad she has no leverage now to stop him because he said he'd put his foot down on her being manipulative like that, and if she doesn't sort her own stuff then well it really is her problem. You know, gentle reader, that she also disagreed with the notion of my cousin staying a couple of days while dad was moving so he could help carrying furniture etc. The pettiness is ridiculous!

On top of this she has custody of my little sister. I wouldn't mind, and I'm not proclaiming myself an expert in childcare, but she is going to do such a fucking atrocious job of it. My sis is now 5 as I said, and though she's fine with it at school, when she's at home and goes to the toilet she refuses to wipe her own arse and gets one of her parents to do it for her. She's perfectly capable and I am certain this isn't normal behaviour for a kid of her age, but if the mother will let her get away with it what can dad do? Every time he tries to use a sensible bit of discipline, like not letting her start to get out a noisy game when it's time for bed because it'll only get her more awake and excited, the stupid mother instead takes the side of the child and lets her get at least a compromise which is not neccessary when she'd have been happy I'm sure to go up to bed with maybe a few tantrum tears that could have been calmed easily enough without her getting her own way.

But the thing that bugs me most is that this woman is actually a backstabbing bitch, who I have to smile at. I don't want to make it harder on dad, but when my own sister says "Mummy said I'm not to do anything you tell me to cos you're only my sister so you can't tell me what to do"...........that was a result of, as my dad told me, when I very gently helped suggest she should go up to bed. Both parents were doing the same, I put in my good word of encouragement for her just to help make it easier and convince her nicely it was bedtime, but apparently that was a mistake. Dad doesn't think so, and argued with the stupid cow about it, but there you go. I can't even put in a single word of agreement. And I can't help out by doing some hoovering either, she won't do it but the other day she walked in the door and it was ok don't even finish the room you're doing, not a single word of thanks, just that she didn't want the noise. Fuck off lady I was doing you a favour, I don't see you doing anything. I see you leaving as soon as you're kid is asleep and going out all night. Or spending HOURS literally on the phone to anyone you possibly can.

I can't wait to move. I'll finally be away from every memory that haunts me in this town, like driving past my ex......and I won't have to put up a happy face to her. I used to like her, she used to be nice. But now she is just another manipulative bitch, and she's making my dad's life a complete misery and has for a long time. Much in the same way my ex used to with me. But all that will change. We'll be so much better off, me and him living together for a while. I can cook for him, take some of the pressure off....because either he'd cook for all of them, or she would cook for herself and my sis and not even offer him a thing so he'd have to clean up her mess then make his own.....ri-fucking-diculous. I want to help him chill out before he smokes himself to death like his father before him (heart disease)....19th June, we'll be starting the move. I cannot wait. Life can start again.

Phew. I think disaster has been averted. I actually feel calm and level headed again...well....almost....maybe I'll keep away from people a bit longer, just until the mask fits.

Jenivere Out.

Letter to a Dream

Strange as this post will seem, it's a little bit of a concept I found flitting around my brain while I was watching the flames of a portable barbecue. Something I've been toying with ever since. It's like a little bit of freeform expression I haven't exercised in a while. I'm more than a little lonely now, so I thought I'd write to the nameless faceless daydream that maybe it'll have a little more substance, maybe just get out some of the things I feel when I keep finding myself wishing for it, alone and in these same 4 bare walls. So here goes. Beware, if it doesn't make sense it's because I like using metaphor. A lot.

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Dear Dream,

I miss you every time I open my eyes, and sleeping isn't the same without you. You'd keep me warm when I'm cold, I imagine your arms around me, how good it would feel to share our heat when it is cold, to share a kiss when it's warm, share a bottle of wine by the moonlight as darkness closes in on a summer eve.

I worry about too many things, even in my blissful sleep. I wonder if perhaps, perfect slumber, perhaps I am flawed. I am shamed by what I once was and how it has marked what I am, but I am not who I once was, I have strength I never thought I would. I've changed so much, I would never want my past to haunt me now nor the secrets it holds safely in the back of my mind.

I'm terrified, sweet dreams, that I will try and dream you too fast and will wake up and lose you. I'm scared if I don't keep dreaming, I'll slip into a deeper sleep and be just as lost and without a dream... I fear I can't win, because I know I will have to wake up and be restless again with just a memory. I want to live the dream.... I'm not desperate, I don't want to grip too tightly and risk crushing what I hold dear and neither do I want to leave my hands too loose and let it fly off in the wind....

My dear dream I am lost, I am torn, between wanting to bring you close to my heart and wanting to keep you away in case a dream is all you are. And what are you anyway? Are you the knight in shining armour come to rescue me? I never was a princess in a tower. Are you a hero, saving me from the nightmares I run from? I don't know why I'm running any more but I still see the monsters in the shadows. Are you a cloud, comforting, protecting me from the sun? I want to drift away with you but I fear you may rain....

Maybe, you are a star. Something strange, something beautiful that I can't understand, something so distant but still bringing a little light and guidance upon the darkest eves...maybe you're just a dream, that my hopes and wishes will be in vain, for only a fool could sleep so....

For days now my sleep has been without you, still in my mind lingering, waiting for me to close my eyes, but I wake after nothing again. I miss dreaming, for in my rest is the only time I feel truly free. I hope you return soon, and sooth my restless slumber.

Yours in faith,

Jenivere the Dreamer

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If you're reading this and confused, I may be willing to explain if you contact me. Until then, I have some catching up to do.

Jenivere Out