BrainVomit - Planning, or the Lack Thereof

Brief brainvomit rant about a couple of things. Firstly, living in a batchelor pad style is perfect except when I'm the only one doing any washing up! It's insane, I was away Tuesday and Wednesday, come back Thursday and there's a whole new pile to do including a pan which was used on Monday! There wasn't room for it to dry when I did the washing up before I left and it's still there now :| Guess I'll have to do it now though with the pile of mugs etc, dad's got a housewarming tonight and people are supposedly staying here after the club too.

I say supposedly, someone was *supposed* to find out and tell me last night what the plan is, so, you know, I know how I'm actually getting to the club tonight and if anyone's taking up space for staying over afterwards. Ho hum. I'm not too annoyed by it, I can't wait to see the silly devil to be honest but it'd be nice to know in advance. Just have to poke him again with a text and see what's up later.

On the plus side, Louise and Wombat are coming up to town today and are picking me up from my place, which is perfect, I can go pick up the comics for Dan (and have a sneaky read before him too of course) and then catch up with the TriForce of Awesome that is the 3 of us when we get together :) Lou sounds happier already and is going to the club tonight with us but this time for the first time as a single lady! Huzzah! Maybe she'll enjoy it a lot more not worrying about someone else, I'm happy for her and how happy she sounds now.

Anywho, off to go and shower. Bought some hair removal cream because I'm pissed off with legs being spikey 5mins after shaving, so I've got a delightful 10 minutes of sitting about cold in the bath waiting for it to work. Hope the bloody stuff doesn't cause a reaction :s might be tying my hair up to go puffy tonight, it's scene kid theme at the club for Chrissy T's birthday. God help us all I'm going to attempt the scene look for free entry and drink. Thinking of those ridiculous half leg tights in purple with red miniskirt and black and white striped top, something reasonably stupid in the hair and the worst makeup job since....well, worse than my normal. Huzzah.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Nothing quite like nougat pillows for breakfast, makes me feel so deliciously like a cliche unemployed loser. Damn shame it's true.

BrainVomit - Nostalgia and Confusion...

Currently listening to Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Disc 2 (Still) - acoustic and piano, melo with a melancholy vibe. Beautiful songs well worth searching up and definately matching my current mood.

~~~~~~~

So I've been sorting out stuff from the garage to make room. Dan's got an early start tomorrow so we agreed on a night in alone again which is fine by me with all this crap to go through and the possibility of everyone coming here Saturday after clubbing - it could do with some finishing touches to the moving I've been doing recently.

Well I'm not here to mention going through old boxes but more going through memories. I did find a couple boxes worth of Dean's stuff while sorting which have been put to one side. Well among all this has been some nostaligia, both good and bad. Some of it was in a book of poetry written when I was far younger and more foolish than now. For anyone with far too much time and an interest in the shoddy artistry of the written word by a total amateur, the entire works are here. I read through some of it, which brought up some confusing memories and some unhappy ones also. Even the happy memories now are tainted by the obvious denial behind desperate words. Ho hum.

Amongst other things I came across my old signature book from Yr11, more people signed it than I remember. One message in particular stood out, or more one particular line of it. "I hope you achieve everything you set out to do. When I look at you I see a great, lovely, funny, beautiful person just waiting to get out and I know that one day you'll have the confidence to let it out" - this isn't a bit of self-ego-stroking, it hit me hard. This was someone I didn't know too well, but she knew me better than I thought she might. Back in the day I was particularly unhappy, I had no confidence and absolutely no self belief, and now although skeptical of myself and my own worst critic have at least the confidence she knew I had the potential for. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Only almost though.

The other more confusing thing I found was the tail end of an A4 notebook. I don't know how it got there but it contained parts of a letter my mother wrote to her mum. I don't know what to make of it to be honest. I only met the woman a few times and haven't seen or heard from her in over 10years. From the letter it sounds like my grandmother was particularly slanderous about my mother to certain people, including her own sons. I'll give you the passage that really hit me a moment ago. Keep in mind this was written I guess a few years ago by the timing involved.

"My daughter & I have a good relationship I think. She is beautiful and clever, & studying to get to University. So, the wish you made to me by phone when she was born "I hope she treats you how you treated me so you'll know what it is like" - I remember those spiteful words so clearly as thay cut to my heart - has not come true because I have not treated her or spoken to her as you did to me when I was growing up."

There's more than that, and I know my mother didn't exactly have the best relationship with her as she left home the day she finished school and found a job and room to stay in...my family is so very twisted sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to actually be in a happy one. I have an uncle (apparently) who I've never met, a half brother who doesn't care at all if I'm even still alive, another who left home, wasn't heard from in years and then died in circumstances I still don't understand, yet another who I cannot even stand to think of let alone see again for reasons I keep to myself and only one more half brother who means so much to me for just being normal and caring that I want to see him more but he's so far away and we have so little in common it seems almost impossible.

Sometimes it's difficult to hear of other people complaining about their families when it seems so normal from the outside, but it's not about how it is it's about perspective. Sometimes it's much harder for someone who hasn't faced much adversity in their past to overcome things which to others would seem like nothing at all. We mustn't forget that everyone is individual and will invariably experience difficulties in a different way and to a different degree, we're unique in every way as people. Everything that came before shapes us in to who we are and helps us deal with the things around us.

It's impossible to even work out how I feel about all this, my own grandmother likely will never wish to hear from me or see me, I'll never know that side of my family, and the side I have left feel so distant it seems impossible to even visit them now. I guess it's just time to do as I always have, take a deep breath, accept that what is will always be, and concentrate on what's important - we cannot choose our family but we choose our friends. It reminds me of a saying I once had ... "My friends are my family, when my family are not my friends"

~~~~~~~

On a different note, it seems so many people are breaking up these days, for better and for worse. Bev has recently split with her boyfriend of 7 years, and Wombat has reason to believe the gentleman she is very much interested in is with another girl today. I don't know what to make of those really.

The other I in some ways feel guilty for but others happy. I've been worried about Louise for a long time. I've seen her unhappy about her boyfriend too many times and spoken to her occaisionally over many months about it. Today she told me she finally broke up with him and already feels better for it. I've also been speaking with Emski about her current boyfriend in London, Steve. I don't think she's happy either, they hadn't spoken in 3 weeks bar a couple of texts where she's been asking him to text her when he's free for her to call but has had nothing back. I feel like I'm breaking people up now by giving them honest advice, but there's nothing more I can say. If you're not happy with someone you need to talk to them about it, try and change things and make it better for both of you. If you're still spending more and more time unhappy than you are happy with them, and thinking about it stresses you out, you need to work out for yourself if it's worth it. Do the good times really outweigh the bad? It's not enough to stay with someone simply because you've been together for so long or because it's easier than breaking up. It may not be pleasant but when everything else fails, the truth has to be faced. I'm just sad to be the one to point this out to people....

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Our past shapes us and moulds us into what we are, but what we do now will in turn form what we will become.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Night Out, Night In, and In Darkness How Things Change

It's difficult sometimes to guess how things will go, how things will work out and whether it will be any good or not. I'm finding this when we go out now, just to the pub, but some nights are really fun and enjoyable but others are becoming tedious and questionable as to why we're there. Tuesday was one of those nights, we were wondering if we were going to go at all, and Dan sent out the usual texts to see who was there, when Zac turned up outside to give us a lift unannounced.

When we got to the pub as usual everyone was on one bench, and though there was room for one or maybe two more there wasn't room for all 3 of us to join. Space was made and Zac sat with them, leaving Dan and I to find a seat on the bench at a right angle to the end of the other bench. It felt a little out of place, but soon Jamesy got out a guitar from his car and asked us all to teach him a couple of chords to impress his new girlfriend. It ended up as Zac playing a lot of his tunes, and occaisionally Dan and I would pick up a tune of our own. By the end of the evening Jamesy had learnt a couple of tunes that myself and Dan taught him, simple little riffs that sound pretty and complicated.

All this was well and good but the others weren't so appreciative, often playing their own music on MP3's or phones or making comments or singing "Smelly Cat" over the top. We ended up leaving early, we didn't feel right and it wasn't a particularly interesting night to be there. The bad vibes at times were tangible and it was just not what we were looking for in an evening. I wish it was more predictable, that we'd know which nights were worth going for. Unfortunately it seems some certain people make it less pleasant to be around.

Wednesday was a different matter, we woke up and after (ahem) a nice wakeup, we played some Skate 2 before wandering up to the hospital for Dan's xray in the early afternoon. It was a beautiful sunny day and just felt so much happier and more relaxed than Tuesday eve. A while ago I had no real balance to me, I was all over the place, but the more I spend time with Dan the more I feel able to relax, chill, and take things in my stride.

One uncomfortably odd thing did happen though, Dan needed to tie his shoelace and we stopped at a bench. A bloke was on this bench on the phone and we accidentally overheard possibly the worst conversation for someone to be having in a public place. Heard the word "barrister" mentioned and "but at the time I didn't know she was 15". Serious moment of oh no, walk on as fast as possible. If unsure check for ID - and not just when serving alcohol! *shudder* oh dear...

Anyway, we wandered back through town and bumped into Marcus out of the blue! He actually ran up behind Dan and hugged him, it was really good to see him and he's really happy in his new place in Yeovil. He went back to finish his lunch in the cafe as we mished to the bookshop and record shop. He met us again in the record shop and we walked and talked for a while which was good, I miss him being around and hanging out with us, but it sounds like he's better off somewhere new and he'll be in college before long.

Eventually, we walked home. Marcus walked with us until he met up with the person he'd come in to Blandford to see and went on his way. We got back and went for some more Skate 2 where I proceeded to beat Dan at least 75% of the time, or more like 100% on the Hall of Meat challenges - win! I like beating him at his own games, especially when he's had more practice at them ;)

We went for some Star Wars Battlefront 2 later where we fought on bravely as a team through the Mos Eisley assault level where you play as heroes or villains, then through some of the more traditional campaigns like Jabba's Palace where we unfortunately lost, Dagobah where I led us to a glorious victory, and the Death Star in the time-paradox Clone Wars era where we secured another steady win. Naboo's hunt mode gave us a chance to fight against each other, Dan playing as the hapless Gungans being mown down by my Super Battle Droids. Round 2 however he worked out how to win, by repairing the turrets to take us down. It was a sad loss. It was made up for when we teamed up fighting the Empire with spears and stones on Endor. Woopah, yeeehah!

The night in was finished with film time, The Spirit was the choice today, a fantastic adaptation by Frank Miller (Sin City) of Will Eisner's comic series of the same name. Dan's costume now looks twice as awesome to me and very sexy indeed. Great film though, I highly recommend it to comic fans or just fans of good films, especially if you enjoyed Sin City you'll love this. Full of comedy, incredible visuals, great acting, it all comes together beautifully. After the film it was late and time for sleep, and we woke easily this morning and I drove home leaving him to go and work. No idea what plans are today, but my plan now is to check out the things stored in my garage.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Change happens whether we like it or not, people change whether we like them or not. Shadows still fall even when you shine no light their way, and sometimes you don't have to make a spark, the fire will start itself. Is there a way back? In time can darkness be lifted to reveal new light? It's difficult now to know.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - The Big Trip!

Well it's now Tuesday afternoon and I'm still aching from the weekend, it was amazing fun! I was skeptical at first given the dropouts and the way organisation slowly fell apart but when it came to it all of that disappeared.

Martyn was the first to arrive. I'd prepared him for the route with a postcode for google and some extra directions, but the first call I had he read out the numberplate of the car in front of where he was parked and a vague approximation of a road name. It took a brief few questions to work out he was in the middle of town centre and had gone wrong on the roundabout. I directed him back and kept watch from the window. A few minutes later and another call, he was literally down the road so I directed him to drive up and turn left just after the sold signs. Well, I watched from the window as he drove right on past and waited for the next call. This time I left nothing to chance so when he about turned to come back I was ready at the gate waving him in to the drive. Bless.

After a big hug greeting we came inside to play a few games while we awaited the arrival of others. Worms was the simplest choice so we fired it up to play a couple of rounds. I won the first 2 round set, but was beaten on the second set. The third set was tense, one round each and on the final round the tension showed all too clearly as Martyn managed to kill off most of his team so I didn't have to. A closely fought win for me, 2 out of 3 games and a happy victory at the end!

After Worms it was time to head to town and start the shopping, so off we went in the car and parked up at the pool where I'd earlier said Holly and Iain should meet us. Wandering in to town slowly, Martyn stopped for a quick snack pickup when his phone rang, Iain had just arrived in town and parked at the appointed place! We walked quickly back where we met Holly for the first time. Thoroughly lovely lady she is too!

Next stop was back to town, I lead everyone through hoping to find a cashpoint, but went past 2 which were broken before eventually arriving at one that worked. Cash in hand we wandered into Game for a while before moving on to Iceland for the supplies. A fair few minutes and some giggles later we walked out with bags full of frozen meat, buns, and booze. A wander further up the road found us biscuits, napkins and plastic cups, lovely job! Unfortunately, nobody had considered the thought of utensils...woops... A brief wander back through town and we were heading on back to the cars to transport the supplies to my house. Bacon was put on for some rolls and more Worms was started when I had word that Emski was arriving at the train station. Bossman volunteered and we went on our merry way to find the good lady in pink and bring her back.

Leaving Martyn in charge of the bacon under the grill when I left turned out to be a bad idea, the bacon was a little, how shall I say, "crispy". Still, we made 4 rolls out of it which were distributed to all with a cuppa. Time was passed chatting and playing more Worms, and watching a few classic and hilarious YouTube vids. Eventually as time went on we decided it was going to be the best plan to go to Tesco for more rolls and energy drink then onwards to catch the ferry. We loaded up the cars with food and the groundsheet and before long we were on the road to success.

Emski went with Bossman and Holly, while Martyn and I lead the way. I knew Dan was on his way with Zac and was in text contact, though in the most epic timing I've ever known we ended up on the very same ferry across to Studland! I got out of the car to go and find them while Martyn and the others went to check out the view from the top as we went over. It's only a short journey across the bay so I stood at the window of Zac's car talking to him and Dan. We did some brief intros of people then got back in to park up for the beach. Zac and Iain were offloaded first so Martyn and I were a minute or so behind when we found them and parked up. Everyone loaded up with what they could carry and we were soon wandering on to the sands.

It was a beautiful evening, despite everyone's fears it would possibly rain or stay cloudy the weather held true to reports and the sky was perfectly clear. The first thing we did was to pick our spot and lay out the big tarpaulin groundsheet and drop our things. Shoes were offed and we did some more formal intros while cracking open the first drinks.

Emski, Zac and Dan on the groundsheet

Holly and I testing the water in a little paddle, we all got our feet wet and it was lovely!

Zac went for an early swim

Like a pro BBQ chef, I cooked the things on skewers first so we could use the sticks to flip the burgers. Pint was definately welcome sitting next to those smokey things!

The second course of munchies, double cheeseburgers, hot sausages and chicken legs that nobody wanted (they were nice)

Unfortunately, Martyn wasn't with us for long as his dear wife is not far off having their firstborn youngster. After some food and some giggles on the sand he headed back on the last ferry out at 11pm. He was missed, but I hope he had fun while he was with us anyway :)

Caption competition moment right there!

Martyn and Iain

Martyn performs magic trick on cheeseburger?...

Dan and Martyn, WAHEY!

Group photo! Everyone, look retarded and say "Charliiiieeeeee!"

With such a clear night, we saw the moon rising over the bay beautifully. It came up from behind the Bournemouth skyline, I'm quite disappointed that my camera couldn't catch the reflection it made on the water it was really quite stunning. We spent a while watching shooting stars too. It seems there had been a meteor shower the night or so before, and we saw the tail end of it as several streaked across the sky throughout the night. Really very beautiful, with that, the bright crescent of moon, and so many stars above us in a sky less polluted by artificial light.

Over the Bournemouth lights the moon rose slowly

As it got higher it got ever brighter, lighting the beach beautifully

Jammy dodger?...

Jammy dodger!

Emski and Zac playing around with a phone. They'd never met before but these 2 got on so well you wouldn't have thought it.

Unfortunately, laying on the sand wasn't as comfy as it should have been even with the groundsheet flattened as much as possible. Dan and I shared a couple of blankets as the others got out sleeping bags to keep warm as night drew in and tempertures started to drop. The uneven ground however resulted in a painful trapped nerve in my lower back and hip, it was agony to move in any direction by even an inch. I took some painkillers but fear I was a bit of a killjoy for a while. Dan brought out different, erm, painkiller to try and help which was shared around by everyone except Iain. I'm no smoker so it wasn't easy but it did ese up a bit as it helped relax the muscles and stop them from the random spasms that were making it worse. Giggles were had all round, as well as biscuits and more drinks. I know some may disapprove but honestly it was only brought out for my back pain as a last ditch attempt to stop it from ruining my night, it just ended up passed in the spirit of sharing.

Eventually, most of us fell asleep for a short while and awoke at dawn to see a beautiful sunrise over the beach. Emski and Zac were soon off into the sea for an early morning (6am!) swim while we watched the sun come up over the bay. After a short while I got out the other BBQ's to get some breakfast on for everyone. Jumbo sausages and more burgers seemed to do the trick perfectly for all and we were soon on our way to change for a swim at 9am!

Sunrise over Studland. One of those times you see it appearing, visibly moving over the horizon.

If you look closely on the left you'll see Emski and Zac on their early morning swim.

The clouds left as soon as they gathered, it was a glorious day and for a while we almost had the whole beach to ourselves

Myself, Holly and Iain after our little swim

Holly drying off in the sun

After a while everyone was a bit tired and crashed out. I, on the other hand, sat and made sand models! I felt like a bit of a big kid but was semi-proud of the marginally retarded results. Come midday, Emski needed to leave and Zac offered to walk her to the bus stop. Soon after we had a call saying he was giving her a lift to Poole bus station. Dan predicted he wouldn't stop there and would instead take her all the way back to Dorchester, and his fears were realised when we called to see where he was an hour later. Luckily he agreed to come back for Dan who would have otherwise been stuck there with no way to get home despite needing to be back to do things in the afternoon. Dan stressed for a while that he might not come back, but we alleviated that with ice cream from our friend who turned up selling them from a little mobile stand. It was funny to see him there, we weren't expecting it at all! Still we stood and talked, cooling off in the breeze that we didn't get when sheltered by the dunes where our things were.

Myself, still cold and wet, and Dan, who didn't want to get cold or wet!

Emski looking prettyful

Everyone catching some relaxation time in the baking sun

My terrible approximtion of a PS3 controller

Ok, fine, I can't do faces!

I admit, I had a few ice creams, but it was hot!!!

We left in a bit of a hurry when it came to it, Zac was in town earlier than we thought and Dan was panicking he might get bored of waiting and go on home. Luckily, after a long wait for the ferry, we made it over to drop Dan off over the other side to be taken home with Zac and sort everything he needed in good time. Holly and Iain needed to get back to the North soon enough, so after a quick lunch and cuppa back at my place they went on their epic quest home.

Once everyone had left there wasn't much for me to do but pass a little time uploading photos and then playing some of the best quality games of MGO I've had in ages. There were a good few of us playing, and the team games were intense! The capture were the most so, both teams going for one target trying to get it to the goal for 30seconds. I was glad I had runner 2 enbled as it helped a little with getting it there but the game ran on a good 20minutes after the finish time with the tide of battle constantly swinging like a GaKo shaped pendulum! It took unspoken teamwork and a good deal of ballsy moves to finally finish one particular round in a stunning victory for our team. It was so closely fought I was almost shaking to put the controller down!

Well I guess the other thing to mention from the weekend is the unmistakable "thing" between Emski and Zac. Now, Emski has a bloke in London but he's not been very attentive to her in a while, going on and off interested in her then bored of her, so she's going to talk to him soon if she hasn't already and as she said to me yesterday she expects the answer will be he's not too bothered with her any more. Zac is more intersted in her than I've seen him be toward anyone. Sure he's bit of an opportunist ladies man but he said it himself there's something a bit different here. Dan reckons we've done some matchmaking, I'm unsure as yet but then they seem to get on so well and apparently on a deeper conversational level than would be expected from 2people who'd only met that night. I hope all works out for them, one way or the other, they're both great people and I'm not put off by the idea of some crazy fun double dates sometime!

Well, it's time I'm off now. I had hoped to play some MGO tonight but then Dan was called in to an earlier shift today and it makes sense for me to go over tonight and stay because his day off is tomorrow which I'm looking forward to spending with him. He has an xray on his leg booked at the hospital to see how the bone is or isn't healing right and figure out why he's suddenly got pain there again.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we realise our warnings were right, we wonder maybe if they hadn't been given that they might not have been lashed out against. We also suddenly see that sometimes all some people are seeking is conflict. They can't cope with calm apologies, and seek to start fires whether they know it themselves or not. They do not feel right if they are not battling some adversity, and seem to cause it when there is none. I wish the world was free of such people, that we could all live in harmony, but the very diversity that makes us beautiful and unique is the same which tears us apart. Sometimes, all you can do is turn your face away from the fire and let it burn the bridges behind you. Only the one that started them can ever put them out, bridges won't burn forever and soon they will be gone.