Currently listening to Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Disc 2 (Still) - acoustic and piano, melo with a melancholy vibe. Beautiful songs well worth searching up and definately matching my current mood.
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So I've been sorting out stuff from the garage to make room. Dan's got an early start tomorrow so we agreed on a night in alone again which is fine by me with all this crap to go through and the possibility of everyone coming here Saturday after clubbing - it could do with some finishing touches to the moving I've been doing recently.
Well I'm not here to mention going through old boxes but more going through memories. I did find a couple boxes worth of Dean's stuff while sorting which have been put to one side. Well among all this has been some nostaligia, both good and bad. Some of it was in a book of poetry written when I was far younger and more foolish than now. For anyone with far too much time and an interest in the shoddy artistry of the written word by a total amateur, the entire works are here. I read through some of it, which brought up some confusing memories and some unhappy ones also. Even the happy memories now are tainted by the obvious denial behind desperate words. Ho hum.
Amongst other things I came across my old signature book from Yr11, more people signed it than I remember. One message in particular stood out, or more one particular line of it. "I hope you achieve everything you set out to do. When I look at you I see a great, lovely, funny, beautiful person just waiting to get out and I know that one day you'll have the confidence to let it out" - this isn't a bit of self-ego-stroking, it hit me hard. This was someone I didn't know too well, but she knew me better than I thought she might. Back in the day I was particularly unhappy, I had no confidence and absolutely no self belief, and now although skeptical of myself and my own worst critic have at least the confidence she knew I had the potential for. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Only almost though.
The other more confusing thing I found was the tail end of an A4 notebook. I don't know how it got there but it contained parts of a letter my mother wrote to her mum. I don't know what to make of it to be honest. I only met the woman a few times and haven't seen or heard from her in over 10years. From the letter it sounds like my grandmother was particularly slanderous about my mother to certain people, including her own sons. I'll give you the passage that really hit me a moment ago. Keep in mind this was written I guess a few years ago by the timing involved.
"My daughter & I have a good relationship I think. She is beautiful and clever, & studying to get to University. So, the wish you made to me by phone when she was born "I hope she treats you how you treated me so you'll know what it is like" - I remember those spiteful words so clearly as thay cut to my heart - has not come true because I have not treated her or spoken to her as you did to me when I was growing up."
There's more than that, and I know my mother didn't exactly have the best relationship with her as she left home the day she finished school and found a job and room to stay in...my family is so very twisted sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to actually be in a happy one. I have an uncle (apparently) who I've never met, a half brother who doesn't care at all if I'm even still alive, another who left home, wasn't heard from in years and then died in circumstances I still don't understand, yet another who I cannot even stand to think of let alone see again for reasons I keep to myself and only one more half brother who means so much to me for just being normal and caring that I want to see him more but he's so far away and we have so little in common it seems almost impossible.
Sometimes it's difficult to hear of other people complaining about their families when it seems so normal from the outside, but it's not about how it is it's about perspective. Sometimes it's much harder for someone who hasn't faced much adversity in their past to overcome things which to others would seem like nothing at all. We mustn't forget that everyone is individual and will invariably experience difficulties in a different way and to a different degree, we're unique in every way as people. Everything that came before shapes us in to who we are and helps us deal with the things around us.
It's impossible to even work out how I feel about all this, my own grandmother likely will never wish to hear from me or see me, I'll never know that side of my family, and the side I have left feel so distant it seems impossible to even visit them now. I guess it's just time to do as I always have, take a deep breath, accept that what is will always be, and concentrate on what's important - we cannot choose our family but we choose our friends. It reminds me of a saying I once had ... "My friends are my family, when my family are not my friends"
~~~~~~~
On a different note, it seems so many people are breaking up these days, for better and for worse. Bev has recently split with her boyfriend of 7 years, and Wombat has reason to believe the gentleman she is very much interested in is with another girl today. I don't know what to make of those really.
The other I in some ways feel guilty for but others happy. I've been worried about Louise for a long time. I've seen her unhappy about her boyfriend too many times and spoken to her occaisionally over many months about it. Today she told me she finally broke up with him and already feels better for it. I've also been speaking with Emski about her current boyfriend in London, Steve. I don't think she's happy either, they hadn't spoken in 3 weeks bar a couple of texts where she's been asking him to text her when he's free for her to call but has had nothing back. I feel like I'm breaking people up now by giving them honest advice, but there's nothing more I can say. If you're not happy with someone you need to talk to them about it, try and change things and make it better for both of you. If you're still spending more and more time unhappy than you are happy with them, and thinking about it stresses you out, you need to work out for yourself if it's worth it. Do the good times really outweigh the bad? It's not enough to stay with someone simply because you've been together for so long or because it's easier than breaking up. It may not be pleasant but when everything else fails, the truth has to be faced. I'm just sad to be the one to point this out to people....
~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~
Our past shapes us and moulds us into what we are, but what we do now will in turn form what we will become.
Jenivere Out.
~~~~~~~
So I've been sorting out stuff from the garage to make room. Dan's got an early start tomorrow so we agreed on a night in alone again which is fine by me with all this crap to go through and the possibility of everyone coming here Saturday after clubbing - it could do with some finishing touches to the moving I've been doing recently.
Well I'm not here to mention going through old boxes but more going through memories. I did find a couple boxes worth of Dean's stuff while sorting which have been put to one side. Well among all this has been some nostaligia, both good and bad. Some of it was in a book of poetry written when I was far younger and more foolish than now. For anyone with far too much time and an interest in the shoddy artistry of the written word by a total amateur, the entire works are here. I read through some of it, which brought up some confusing memories and some unhappy ones also. Even the happy memories now are tainted by the obvious denial behind desperate words. Ho hum.
Amongst other things I came across my old signature book from Yr11, more people signed it than I remember. One message in particular stood out, or more one particular line of it. "I hope you achieve everything you set out to do. When I look at you I see a great, lovely, funny, beautiful person just waiting to get out and I know that one day you'll have the confidence to let it out" - this isn't a bit of self-ego-stroking, it hit me hard. This was someone I didn't know too well, but she knew me better than I thought she might. Back in the day I was particularly unhappy, I had no confidence and absolutely no self belief, and now although skeptical of myself and my own worst critic have at least the confidence she knew I had the potential for. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Only almost though.
The other more confusing thing I found was the tail end of an A4 notebook. I don't know how it got there but it contained parts of a letter my mother wrote to her mum. I don't know what to make of it to be honest. I only met the woman a few times and haven't seen or heard from her in over 10years. From the letter it sounds like my grandmother was particularly slanderous about my mother to certain people, including her own sons. I'll give you the passage that really hit me a moment ago. Keep in mind this was written I guess a few years ago by the timing involved.
"My daughter & I have a good relationship I think. She is beautiful and clever, & studying to get to University. So, the wish you made to me by phone when she was born "I hope she treats you how you treated me so you'll know what it is like" - I remember those spiteful words so clearly as thay cut to my heart - has not come true because I have not treated her or spoken to her as you did to me when I was growing up."
There's more than that, and I know my mother didn't exactly have the best relationship with her as she left home the day she finished school and found a job and room to stay in...my family is so very twisted sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to actually be in a happy one. I have an uncle (apparently) who I've never met, a half brother who doesn't care at all if I'm even still alive, another who left home, wasn't heard from in years and then died in circumstances I still don't understand, yet another who I cannot even stand to think of let alone see again for reasons I keep to myself and only one more half brother who means so much to me for just being normal and caring that I want to see him more but he's so far away and we have so little in common it seems almost impossible.
Sometimes it's difficult to hear of other people complaining about their families when it seems so normal from the outside, but it's not about how it is it's about perspective. Sometimes it's much harder for someone who hasn't faced much adversity in their past to overcome things which to others would seem like nothing at all. We mustn't forget that everyone is individual and will invariably experience difficulties in a different way and to a different degree, we're unique in every way as people. Everything that came before shapes us in to who we are and helps us deal with the things around us.
It's impossible to even work out how I feel about all this, my own grandmother likely will never wish to hear from me or see me, I'll never know that side of my family, and the side I have left feel so distant it seems impossible to even visit them now. I guess it's just time to do as I always have, take a deep breath, accept that what is will always be, and concentrate on what's important - we cannot choose our family but we choose our friends. It reminds me of a saying I once had ... "My friends are my family, when my family are not my friends"
~~~~~~~
On a different note, it seems so many people are breaking up these days, for better and for worse. Bev has recently split with her boyfriend of 7 years, and Wombat has reason to believe the gentleman she is very much interested in is with another girl today. I don't know what to make of those really.
The other I in some ways feel guilty for but others happy. I've been worried about Louise for a long time. I've seen her unhappy about her boyfriend too many times and spoken to her occaisionally over many months about it. Today she told me she finally broke up with him and already feels better for it. I've also been speaking with Emski about her current boyfriend in London, Steve. I don't think she's happy either, they hadn't spoken in 3 weeks bar a couple of texts where she's been asking him to text her when he's free for her to call but has had nothing back. I feel like I'm breaking people up now by giving them honest advice, but there's nothing more I can say. If you're not happy with someone you need to talk to them about it, try and change things and make it better for both of you. If you're still spending more and more time unhappy than you are happy with them, and thinking about it stresses you out, you need to work out for yourself if it's worth it. Do the good times really outweigh the bad? It's not enough to stay with someone simply because you've been together for so long or because it's easier than breaking up. It may not be pleasant but when everything else fails, the truth has to be faced. I'm just sad to be the one to point this out to people....
~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~
Our past shapes us and moulds us into what we are, but what we do now will in turn form what we will become.
Jenivere Out.
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