This'll be a long one I think so please bare with me. The last few days have been fairly busy, and the result is a colossal headache right now. Oh dear.
~~~~~~~ Thursday 29th - To Dover ~~~~~~~
We left fairly early in the morning for the drive to Dover. My half sister, Kaitlin, was in the back with a DVD player to keep her entertained with a stack of DVDs and was content to keep quiet and watch. I talked to dad for about the first half hour then it was mostly quiet driving down the motorways toward London. We stopped at the traditional and popular Fleet services for a quick leg stretch and toilet break then headed onward to Dover with a few snacks on board for lunch.
The journey in total was about 3 and a half hours, when we arrived I was grateful for the chance to sit on a comfy sofa and relax. The only one home when we arrived was my Nana, so we talked to her for a while and I caught up with her as I haven't seen her in the past 4 years. I feel very guilty for not seeing her in all this time, but it was nigh on impossible what with my ex boyfriend and lack of monies to get there on my own.
As I was talking to her it was becoming more clear how she is suffering dementia and very bad short term memory. Through the day she repeated herself on one thing about 6 times with no recollection of having said it before. I worry for her, I know she has had a couple of strokes a few years back and has a lot of difficulty in getting around, pretty much housebound now and relying on my aunts to care for her.
Still, we relaxed through the afternoon until my aunts and older cousin arrived home, and all had a nice meal together in the evening followed by an equally nice pudding. The rest of the evening was spent talking and laughing, catching up on what we'd all missed until dad went upstairs to put Kaitlin to bed. We waited a while for him to come down and decided to set up a table to play cards. Several games of "shithead" later and we realised he'd probably gone to sleep upstairs too as he was so tired from the drive. A few more hours passed with a good many laughs and endless rounds of cards, which I'm proud to say I didn't lose a single hand of until the very last round we played before bed at midnight.
I had a sofa and sleeping bag for the night, so ambled off to play about on the laptop until I could actually sleep. Unfortunately it took until about 1am before I could close my eyes, and I was awake at 4:30am needing to get up. When I got back to bed I slept in half hour intervals, waking up to shift around. The room was chilly, but the sleeping bag was a bit thick and thermal for indoor use above freezing temperatures, so I just couldn't seem to get it right. By the time I got up at 8am the next morning it felt like I'd hardly slept at all. Through the entire day I'd bounced a couple of times between the up moods and the down moods, though thankfully mostly stayed on the up so found it easier to hide the failing sanity there.
~~~~~~~Friday 30th October - Trip Cut Short~~~~~~~
The next day dad and Kaitlin made the second of her plaster of paris models from the kit she had brought with her. They made one the day before which she had now already painted. I had breakfast and afterwards when the model was dry I sat with Kaitin while she painted it. It was a nice little bonding experience, and good to see how well she was mixing the colours and how carefully she was painting the detail. Obviously at 5 years old she's not making masterpieces but she's trying really hard and showing a definate interest and aptitude in art. Runs in the family I guess, I take after my musical aunt who has a band and now a 4 track cd, while my sister takes after the artistic aunt who is currently going to university and spends most of her free time creating new pieces.
After lunch, dad, my older cousin Craig and myself all went to the shops for cards and presents for my Nan who was going to be 77 on Saturday. We all managed to find some good gifts in one place (good old WHSmiths) and picked up a few things in the local supermarket before heading back.
Kaitlin had spent the time baking cakes with my aunt, while my other aunt had gone to collect my younger cousin Mitchell from his father's house. When they got back, I sat with my cousin and caught up with him as I hadn't seen him in 4 years. When I last saw him he was a short 10 year old with a blonde crew cut and an encyclopedic knowledge of Monty Python quotes. Now he is 14, almost as tall as me (but only almost) and has a cross between a Beatles bowl cut and an emo mop of blonde hair, and he's obsessions are currently Star Wars and gaming. So he hasn't done too bad in my absence, except he has a 360...oh dear...
Anyway, it wasn't long before lunch was ready, and we enjoyed a good roast chicken dinner together with plenty more family banter. My mood stayed on the up so other than a little hyperactive I felt alright. After lunch, we gave presents and cards a day early. We'd decided to do this anyway as we were planning to leave on the morning of her birthday, simply so we could travel back in daylight when my dad was well rested to drive.
Unfortunately, during the course of the day Kaitlin's mother rang. Now, earlier in the morning, Kaitlin had turned to my aunt and asked "would it be ok if I sleep over another night?" which of course we were all delighted by because that's just what we wanted, her to be happy about staying again so we could leave as planned and wish a proper happy birthday to my Nana. Well, that all changed in the course of about a minute. I don't know what she said but after my sis came off the phone she was insistent on going home that night and was even impatient to leave. nothing we said could sway her and she wouldn't really explain why other than something about her wanting mummy to read her a story to go to sleep.
That fucking woman has done this before, she is making Kaitlin dependant on her, is completely ignorant of the child's actual wants and needs and the one who will suffer in all this is Kaitlin. It's easy to see it will affect her confidence, trust, and ability to stay away from home or spend time with her dad. I spoke to my aunts about this, basically everyone thinks she's being unreasonable and possessive over the child and not letting her lead a normal life visiting family and her other parent. I have a real mind to have serious words with her because it's not fair for Kaitlin to suffer just because her mother is so needy she can't go a night alone. It brought home the exact reason why it came about - when pulling up to her house Kaitlin pointed out that mummy's boyfriend's car wasn't there so he wouldn't be there.
The rest of the day felt rushed and irritated, everyone was unhappy about what had been said and Kaitlin's change of heart because of it. We had to pack our things together and try and explain to an elderly lady who may not see many more birthdays why her son and granddaughters were leaving before her actual birthday. Still, we had some birthday cake later and left around 8:40pm.
Kaitlin had her DVDs again, and amazingly stayed awake the whole journey, probably due in part to having a can of cola and cake in the evening. We stopped at Fleet again for a quick break but most of the drive was in the dark and intermittent rain. Nevertheless, the journey wasn't bad and after dropping Kaitlin home and picking up some milk we were home by midnight. My mood had sunk completely again and taken my energy levels with it so I just tried to get some sleep. It took a few hours of restless exhaustion but I did eventually manage to get a solid few hours.
~~~~~~~ Saturday 31st - Halloween ~~~~~~~
I wasted most of the morning on the internet, pissing about and checking emails etc. I had a late lunch with dad and eventually headed to town late afternoon. I had planned to wander down town and look for a couple extras for my costume for later, but I was feeling exceptionally low so just wanted to jump on the first bus to Blandford and get going. Halfway through the journey, the switch had flipped so by the time I got to Dan's I was pretty cheery and ready to see him.
He was in the bath when I arrived, so I went to wait for him. We spent a little while talking and watching tv before we decided it was time to start getting ready to go out. I had my purple and black prom dress from yr11, so I planned to create some bitewounds on my neck with a little makeup magic and borrow some fake blood when we got to the club to finish it off. Dan was going in his full "The Spirit" costume, which for those who haven't seen the movie or comics is a suit with long jacket, gloves, black shirt, red tie, black eyemask, smart hat and trainers. He looked really rather handsome, and I will freely admit I was very tempted to not let him leave the house and have him to myself!
Anyway, we were ready early so we sat around downstairs watching tv for a while waiting for his sister Claire to pick us up to go. When she arrived, it was obvious getting in to the car was going to be a squeeze. There's literally no legroom in the back normally, but squashing 3 fully grown adults in meant that even with Dan in the middle I had one of my knees crushed on the door up by my chin for most of the journey... When we got there it felt so good just to unfold limbs!
Dan's mask meant he couldn't see well in the distance because his glasses wouldn't fit over the top. We led him to the bar where we waited a good 10minutes or more to be served our first drink. We found a couple of friends and sat on some sofas and had a couple pics taken as we were there.
For the next hour we sat around mostly or wandered about talking to people. My mood took a sudden plummet and I found it difficult to stay in one place at a time without feeling the desperate need to leave. I went outside to the smoking area with them when they went, but it did no good because it made me feel claustrophobic with people lining the narrow walls both sides and more trying to walk down the tiny gap in the middle to find a space to smoke or to go back inside. It's weird, I've never really been claustrophobic but right now lots of people in small spaces make me nervous as hell and set off the start of panic attacks...
We went inside again, where it was boiling and packed full. The door to the pub next door was opened so people could come and go freely through there and sit in that bar too for the night if they wanted. I went to go outside the front for fresh air but was told that as the club was at full capacity we may not get back in. They were operating a one out one in policy on the doors, so the best we could do was stand in the corridor and catch the air from the big fans they have on the floor out there. I spent a bit more time inside sat on the chairs with people, catching up with those I hadn't seen and after a little while my mood bounced back up again. By then, Dan, Claire and Tristan had all gone into the bar next door to try and get served faster but it was so packed with so few staff they were there at least half an hour.
While they were gone, Wombat and co turned up late as they'd been to another party on the way here. Wombat was wasted but my sudden flip in mood bounced right off her and I got a bit hyper, insisting on giving her the promised piggy back immediately and going to find friends.
We went over to see one friend and found ourselves in front of the camera, and right next to a cage that had been set up for the night. I'd seen some people in there earlier so jokingly suggested as Wombat was dressed as a cat she should get in. She wouldn't get in there without me so the owner's partner who was taking pictures suggested we go in there together and she'd take some photos. It turned out to be a good laugh, and I was on a massive high to be having fun with my best mate again after not seeing her in a while. Here's the evidence of the little escapade anyway....
Shortly after that burst of energy my mood dropped as I started to panic again amongst the crowds. A few minutes in the hallway later I managed to control it and returned to the seats in the corner. Dan and co were back from getting drinks, finally, and we sat around talking for a while. Soon after they went for a cigarette, and I talked to Louise while I waited for them to get back. When they'd done smoking, the 5 of us travelling in Claire's car had a quick talk, and decided as it was so unbearably hot and full, with no chance of getting a drink at the bar within 30minutes we might as well leave. It was midnight and we thought we could easily go to the pub back in Blannie and at least have a shot at being served a couple of drinks. It turns out the problem at the club was, apart from it being the busiest club night of the year, that being Samhain, a Pagan holiday, half the bar staff were Pagan and so entitled to the night off work leaving them with nowhere near the amount of people needed to deal with so many customers at once. No surprise really, but as we were all fairly sober and not feeling the mood of the night it was just as well we went back.
I felt low most of the way back, and with Dan dropping in and out of sleep, being cramped up and nobody else really talking on the journey by the time we got to Claire's we decided to call it a night. We went in for a cuppa and relaxed with Claire and Tristan before we had a lift back to Dan's. By the time we got back there I just felt so low all of a sudden I couldn't help but get upset. It was worse because I can't explain why, so Dan feels like it's something he's said or done when it isn't at all, it's just so completely random...anyway, when I pulled myself together we decided we were shattered and just went to sleep. I didn't sleep for a while after he had dropped off, and had a disturbed night again. The depression was just too unbearable, and the nightmares are becoming fairly consistent now. Hooray.
~~~~~~~Sunday 1st Nov - Chiiiiiiilllllllllllll?....~~~~~~~
I woke up a few hours before Dan on Sunday. I spent an hour or so just laying there, then got up and read some of OPM which has finally arrived by subscription without incident this time. eventually he woke up and we went downstairs for coffee. When we went back up he felt like working on som more of his drawings so he set up DOA4 on his 360 for me. I spent a little while playing through before another wave of depression took away my will to keep playing. I took a break for a little while and waited for it to pass, then played a bit more until lunch was ready.
We had a roast dinner downstairs with Dan's mum and her boyfriend. I wasn't hungry at all, and was put off further by the mountain of cauliflower cheese and brussel sprouts on my portion. I had been asked before if I liked this and declined, but obviously that small detail had been forgotten which annoyed his mother who thought she should have been told my likes and dislikes. Well, it's difficult to speak up and say that I've actually told her before and she's just forgotten, so I apologised and decided to just eat what wasn't covered in vile cauliflower cheese sauce. Which wasn't much really. But then, my appetite was absolute zero, and I felt like I was really forcing myself to eat at all. What made it all worse was that I was sat opposite her and experiencing another crushing wave of depression which quickly grew into a panic attack as I wanted to leave but couldn't, and couldn't control my eyes from welling up. The whole thing was a nightmare, I ate a small amount of the meat and had to leave it at that, sitting at the table trying desperately to hold it together while Dan finished eating.
When we went back upstairs I felt so guilty for being upset and ruining the mood and day of everyone around me that I just couldn't hold it together any more. I felt like a total train wreck, and tried my best to explain to Dan just how my head keeps switching itself at random. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I do know that I'm not coping any more. He told me he will be here for me...it's difficult to believe, much as I want to, because I've been dumped because of mental instability before when I had these problems. They had subsided for a couple of years, or at least significantly lessened the frequency of mood flips, and the panic attacks really are something entirely new to me... I dearly hope that this time I have found a hero to rely on, but I'll just keep trying to save myeslf for now because I wouldn't blame him for a second if he walked away from the wreckage...
Anyway...after a while my mood lifted, and we curled up in the quilt to watch Tenacious D's Pick of Destiny on DVD. Everyone likes a good light hearted rock comedy now and then, and it is fairly awesome a film too. The rest of the day was ok, and later we were playing Super Smash Bros on the Wii using the old GC controllers for some co-op challenges. It was fairly fun and we had a laugh watching some of the extras you can get with Snake. Eventually we went to bed, and this time I found it easier to fall asleep. Unfortunately we both woke in the early hours, and I woke a few times after with more nightmares. We had an early start but I managed to get up around 6am to make him coffee. He left for work not long before 7am and I filled out my forms for the jobcentre and caught the bus in to town.
~~~~~~~ Monday 2nd Nov - Rejection, review and the week's plan...~~~~~~~
I got to town with half an hour to kill, so bought a hot chocolate and a cake for £1 (bargain!) from my favourite little shop at the bus station and sat inside the main shopping centre on a bench reading more OPM to kill time. The jobcentre went as usual, and I have been told it's been 6 months now that I've been looking for work, so I have to attend a group review thing for tips on jobhunting. It seems I'm seeing the same guy most times I go now, which is ok. He's not the same chap I saw at first, who seems to have left, but is an older guy. Talking to him about countless fruitless searches doesn't seem as bad, especially now he's said he was out of work himself once for about 8months. I felt a lot less like he would be as scornful as some other people I've seen there at my fortnightly appointments. A small consolation...
I printed out some jobs from the search point machine things, and resolved to apply for them all as soon as I got back. I caught a bus home and by the time I got back felt completely exhausted and drained of all energy, pysically and emotionally. I spent the morning sat with either cat or laptop on my knees searching jobs and applying to the fistful I had brought home with me. Unfortunately a mere couple of hours later I had a rejection email from one. It's more than I usually get but a negative response that quickly is really discouraging. I'm starting to wonder if I'm completely useless now, like all of my CV's and applications just get binned as soon as they arrive. Even the jobs I've been hopeful about have amounted to absolutely fuck all. I signed up with an agency, who literally only took my contact details and available working hours (any) and said that though I didn't have any training that was fine as they often preferred to train new staff their way anyway for the NVQ. They were supposed to call me with an interview date. That was about a month ago. I must admit it's feeling pretty hopeless and extremely unlikely I'll have a job by christmas. Won't even be able to afford to buy close friends and family any gifts, maybe not even Dan, and he keeps mentioning he's seen things that would be great to buy me for Christmas. I feel so intensely guilty for not being able to get anyone birthday presents this year that the very thought of December makes me feel even more depressed and hopeless about the whole situation. I had to borrow money from my boyfriend for a bus fare just to get home this morning. I think that says it all really :(
Well, before I get on too much of a downer again, I'll leave it at that. I've resolved to go to the doctor tomorrow morning for an appointment and start getting my head sorted out. I'll also spend a fair bit of time trying to sort things out here, as Wednesday night looks to be like a gaming night here with Chrispy and Dan coming down in the late afternoon and staying over as they're both off Thursday. I hope it perks me up, because if I keep breaking down I'll have no choice but to stay away from people completely rather than risk being the pathetic person I used to be.
Jenivere Out.
~~~~~~~ Thursday 29th - To Dover ~~~~~~~
We left fairly early in the morning for the drive to Dover. My half sister, Kaitlin, was in the back with a DVD player to keep her entertained with a stack of DVDs and was content to keep quiet and watch. I talked to dad for about the first half hour then it was mostly quiet driving down the motorways toward London. We stopped at the traditional and popular Fleet services for a quick leg stretch and toilet break then headed onward to Dover with a few snacks on board for lunch.
The journey in total was about 3 and a half hours, when we arrived I was grateful for the chance to sit on a comfy sofa and relax. The only one home when we arrived was my Nana, so we talked to her for a while and I caught up with her as I haven't seen her in the past 4 years. I feel very guilty for not seeing her in all this time, but it was nigh on impossible what with my ex boyfriend and lack of monies to get there on my own.
As I was talking to her it was becoming more clear how she is suffering dementia and very bad short term memory. Through the day she repeated herself on one thing about 6 times with no recollection of having said it before. I worry for her, I know she has had a couple of strokes a few years back and has a lot of difficulty in getting around, pretty much housebound now and relying on my aunts to care for her.
Still, we relaxed through the afternoon until my aunts and older cousin arrived home, and all had a nice meal together in the evening followed by an equally nice pudding. The rest of the evening was spent talking and laughing, catching up on what we'd all missed until dad went upstairs to put Kaitlin to bed. We waited a while for him to come down and decided to set up a table to play cards. Several games of "shithead" later and we realised he'd probably gone to sleep upstairs too as he was so tired from the drive. A few more hours passed with a good many laughs and endless rounds of cards, which I'm proud to say I didn't lose a single hand of until the very last round we played before bed at midnight.
I had a sofa and sleeping bag for the night, so ambled off to play about on the laptop until I could actually sleep. Unfortunately it took until about 1am before I could close my eyes, and I was awake at 4:30am needing to get up. When I got back to bed I slept in half hour intervals, waking up to shift around. The room was chilly, but the sleeping bag was a bit thick and thermal for indoor use above freezing temperatures, so I just couldn't seem to get it right. By the time I got up at 8am the next morning it felt like I'd hardly slept at all. Through the entire day I'd bounced a couple of times between the up moods and the down moods, though thankfully mostly stayed on the up so found it easier to hide the failing sanity there.
~~~~~~~Friday 30th October - Trip Cut Short~~~~~~~
The next day dad and Kaitlin made the second of her plaster of paris models from the kit she had brought with her. They made one the day before which she had now already painted. I had breakfast and afterwards when the model was dry I sat with Kaitin while she painted it. It was a nice little bonding experience, and good to see how well she was mixing the colours and how carefully she was painting the detail. Obviously at 5 years old she's not making masterpieces but she's trying really hard and showing a definate interest and aptitude in art. Runs in the family I guess, I take after my musical aunt who has a band and now a 4 track cd, while my sister takes after the artistic aunt who is currently going to university and spends most of her free time creating new pieces.
After lunch, dad, my older cousin Craig and myself all went to the shops for cards and presents for my Nan who was going to be 77 on Saturday. We all managed to find some good gifts in one place (good old WHSmiths) and picked up a few things in the local supermarket before heading back.
Kaitlin had spent the time baking cakes with my aunt, while my other aunt had gone to collect my younger cousin Mitchell from his father's house. When they got back, I sat with my cousin and caught up with him as I hadn't seen him in 4 years. When I last saw him he was a short 10 year old with a blonde crew cut and an encyclopedic knowledge of Monty Python quotes. Now he is 14, almost as tall as me (but only almost) and has a cross between a Beatles bowl cut and an emo mop of blonde hair, and he's obsessions are currently Star Wars and gaming. So he hasn't done too bad in my absence, except he has a 360...oh dear...
Anyway, it wasn't long before lunch was ready, and we enjoyed a good roast chicken dinner together with plenty more family banter. My mood stayed on the up so other than a little hyperactive I felt alright. After lunch, we gave presents and cards a day early. We'd decided to do this anyway as we were planning to leave on the morning of her birthday, simply so we could travel back in daylight when my dad was well rested to drive.
Unfortunately, during the course of the day Kaitlin's mother rang. Now, earlier in the morning, Kaitlin had turned to my aunt and asked "would it be ok if I sleep over another night?" which of course we were all delighted by because that's just what we wanted, her to be happy about staying again so we could leave as planned and wish a proper happy birthday to my Nana. Well, that all changed in the course of about a minute. I don't know what she said but after my sis came off the phone she was insistent on going home that night and was even impatient to leave. nothing we said could sway her and she wouldn't really explain why other than something about her wanting mummy to read her a story to go to sleep.
That fucking woman has done this before, she is making Kaitlin dependant on her, is completely ignorant of the child's actual wants and needs and the one who will suffer in all this is Kaitlin. It's easy to see it will affect her confidence, trust, and ability to stay away from home or spend time with her dad. I spoke to my aunts about this, basically everyone thinks she's being unreasonable and possessive over the child and not letting her lead a normal life visiting family and her other parent. I have a real mind to have serious words with her because it's not fair for Kaitlin to suffer just because her mother is so needy she can't go a night alone. It brought home the exact reason why it came about - when pulling up to her house Kaitlin pointed out that mummy's boyfriend's car wasn't there so he wouldn't be there.
The rest of the day felt rushed and irritated, everyone was unhappy about what had been said and Kaitlin's change of heart because of it. We had to pack our things together and try and explain to an elderly lady who may not see many more birthdays why her son and granddaughters were leaving before her actual birthday. Still, we had some birthday cake later and left around 8:40pm.
Kaitlin had her DVDs again, and amazingly stayed awake the whole journey, probably due in part to having a can of cola and cake in the evening. We stopped at Fleet again for a quick break but most of the drive was in the dark and intermittent rain. Nevertheless, the journey wasn't bad and after dropping Kaitlin home and picking up some milk we were home by midnight. My mood had sunk completely again and taken my energy levels with it so I just tried to get some sleep. It took a few hours of restless exhaustion but I did eventually manage to get a solid few hours.
~~~~~~~ Saturday 31st - Halloween ~~~~~~~
I wasted most of the morning on the internet, pissing about and checking emails etc. I had a late lunch with dad and eventually headed to town late afternoon. I had planned to wander down town and look for a couple extras for my costume for later, but I was feeling exceptionally low so just wanted to jump on the first bus to Blandford and get going. Halfway through the journey, the switch had flipped so by the time I got to Dan's I was pretty cheery and ready to see him.
He was in the bath when I arrived, so I went to wait for him. We spent a little while talking and watching tv before we decided it was time to start getting ready to go out. I had my purple and black prom dress from yr11, so I planned to create some bitewounds on my neck with a little makeup magic and borrow some fake blood when we got to the club to finish it off. Dan was going in his full "The Spirit" costume, which for those who haven't seen the movie or comics is a suit with long jacket, gloves, black shirt, red tie, black eyemask, smart hat and trainers. He looked really rather handsome, and I will freely admit I was very tempted to not let him leave the house and have him to myself!
Anyway, we were ready early so we sat around downstairs watching tv for a while waiting for his sister Claire to pick us up to go. When she arrived, it was obvious getting in to the car was going to be a squeeze. There's literally no legroom in the back normally, but squashing 3 fully grown adults in meant that even with Dan in the middle I had one of my knees crushed on the door up by my chin for most of the journey... When we got there it felt so good just to unfold limbs!
Dan's mask meant he couldn't see well in the distance because his glasses wouldn't fit over the top. We led him to the bar where we waited a good 10minutes or more to be served our first drink. We found a couple of friends and sat on some sofas and had a couple pics taken as we were there.
For the next hour we sat around mostly or wandered about talking to people. My mood took a sudden plummet and I found it difficult to stay in one place at a time without feeling the desperate need to leave. I went outside to the smoking area with them when they went, but it did no good because it made me feel claustrophobic with people lining the narrow walls both sides and more trying to walk down the tiny gap in the middle to find a space to smoke or to go back inside. It's weird, I've never really been claustrophobic but right now lots of people in small spaces make me nervous as hell and set off the start of panic attacks...
We went inside again, where it was boiling and packed full. The door to the pub next door was opened so people could come and go freely through there and sit in that bar too for the night if they wanted. I went to go outside the front for fresh air but was told that as the club was at full capacity we may not get back in. They were operating a one out one in policy on the doors, so the best we could do was stand in the corridor and catch the air from the big fans they have on the floor out there. I spent a bit more time inside sat on the chairs with people, catching up with those I hadn't seen and after a little while my mood bounced back up again. By then, Dan, Claire and Tristan had all gone into the bar next door to try and get served faster but it was so packed with so few staff they were there at least half an hour.
While they were gone, Wombat and co turned up late as they'd been to another party on the way here. Wombat was wasted but my sudden flip in mood bounced right off her and I got a bit hyper, insisting on giving her the promised piggy back immediately and going to find friends.
We went over to see one friend and found ourselves in front of the camera, and right next to a cage that had been set up for the night. I'd seen some people in there earlier so jokingly suggested as Wombat was dressed as a cat she should get in. She wouldn't get in there without me so the owner's partner who was taking pictures suggested we go in there together and she'd take some photos. It turned out to be a good laugh, and I was on a massive high to be having fun with my best mate again after not seeing her in a while. Here's the evidence of the little escapade anyway....
Shortly after that burst of energy my mood dropped as I started to panic again amongst the crowds. A few minutes in the hallway later I managed to control it and returned to the seats in the corner. Dan and co were back from getting drinks, finally, and we sat around talking for a while. Soon after they went for a cigarette, and I talked to Louise while I waited for them to get back. When they'd done smoking, the 5 of us travelling in Claire's car had a quick talk, and decided as it was so unbearably hot and full, with no chance of getting a drink at the bar within 30minutes we might as well leave. It was midnight and we thought we could easily go to the pub back in Blannie and at least have a shot at being served a couple of drinks. It turns out the problem at the club was, apart from it being the busiest club night of the year, that being Samhain, a Pagan holiday, half the bar staff were Pagan and so entitled to the night off work leaving them with nowhere near the amount of people needed to deal with so many customers at once. No surprise really, but as we were all fairly sober and not feeling the mood of the night it was just as well we went back.
I felt low most of the way back, and with Dan dropping in and out of sleep, being cramped up and nobody else really talking on the journey by the time we got to Claire's we decided to call it a night. We went in for a cuppa and relaxed with Claire and Tristan before we had a lift back to Dan's. By the time we got back there I just felt so low all of a sudden I couldn't help but get upset. It was worse because I can't explain why, so Dan feels like it's something he's said or done when it isn't at all, it's just so completely random...anyway, when I pulled myself together we decided we were shattered and just went to sleep. I didn't sleep for a while after he had dropped off, and had a disturbed night again. The depression was just too unbearable, and the nightmares are becoming fairly consistent now. Hooray.
~~~~~~~Sunday 1st Nov - Chiiiiiiilllllllllllll?....~~~~~~~
I woke up a few hours before Dan on Sunday. I spent an hour or so just laying there, then got up and read some of OPM which has finally arrived by subscription without incident this time. eventually he woke up and we went downstairs for coffee. When we went back up he felt like working on som more of his drawings so he set up DOA4 on his 360 for me. I spent a little while playing through before another wave of depression took away my will to keep playing. I took a break for a little while and waited for it to pass, then played a bit more until lunch was ready.
We had a roast dinner downstairs with Dan's mum and her boyfriend. I wasn't hungry at all, and was put off further by the mountain of cauliflower cheese and brussel sprouts on my portion. I had been asked before if I liked this and declined, but obviously that small detail had been forgotten which annoyed his mother who thought she should have been told my likes and dislikes. Well, it's difficult to speak up and say that I've actually told her before and she's just forgotten, so I apologised and decided to just eat what wasn't covered in vile cauliflower cheese sauce. Which wasn't much really. But then, my appetite was absolute zero, and I felt like I was really forcing myself to eat at all. What made it all worse was that I was sat opposite her and experiencing another crushing wave of depression which quickly grew into a panic attack as I wanted to leave but couldn't, and couldn't control my eyes from welling up. The whole thing was a nightmare, I ate a small amount of the meat and had to leave it at that, sitting at the table trying desperately to hold it together while Dan finished eating.
When we went back upstairs I felt so guilty for being upset and ruining the mood and day of everyone around me that I just couldn't hold it together any more. I felt like a total train wreck, and tried my best to explain to Dan just how my head keeps switching itself at random. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I do know that I'm not coping any more. He told me he will be here for me...it's difficult to believe, much as I want to, because I've been dumped because of mental instability before when I had these problems. They had subsided for a couple of years, or at least significantly lessened the frequency of mood flips, and the panic attacks really are something entirely new to me... I dearly hope that this time I have found a hero to rely on, but I'll just keep trying to save myeslf for now because I wouldn't blame him for a second if he walked away from the wreckage...
Anyway...after a while my mood lifted, and we curled up in the quilt to watch Tenacious D's Pick of Destiny on DVD. Everyone likes a good light hearted rock comedy now and then, and it is fairly awesome a film too. The rest of the day was ok, and later we were playing Super Smash Bros on the Wii using the old GC controllers for some co-op challenges. It was fairly fun and we had a laugh watching some of the extras you can get with Snake. Eventually we went to bed, and this time I found it easier to fall asleep. Unfortunately we both woke in the early hours, and I woke a few times after with more nightmares. We had an early start but I managed to get up around 6am to make him coffee. He left for work not long before 7am and I filled out my forms for the jobcentre and caught the bus in to town.
~~~~~~~ Monday 2nd Nov - Rejection, review and the week's plan...~~~~~~~
I got to town with half an hour to kill, so bought a hot chocolate and a cake for £1 (bargain!) from my favourite little shop at the bus station and sat inside the main shopping centre on a bench reading more OPM to kill time. The jobcentre went as usual, and I have been told it's been 6 months now that I've been looking for work, so I have to attend a group review thing for tips on jobhunting. It seems I'm seeing the same guy most times I go now, which is ok. He's not the same chap I saw at first, who seems to have left, but is an older guy. Talking to him about countless fruitless searches doesn't seem as bad, especially now he's said he was out of work himself once for about 8months. I felt a lot less like he would be as scornful as some other people I've seen there at my fortnightly appointments. A small consolation...
I printed out some jobs from the search point machine things, and resolved to apply for them all as soon as I got back. I caught a bus home and by the time I got back felt completely exhausted and drained of all energy, pysically and emotionally. I spent the morning sat with either cat or laptop on my knees searching jobs and applying to the fistful I had brought home with me. Unfortunately a mere couple of hours later I had a rejection email from one. It's more than I usually get but a negative response that quickly is really discouraging. I'm starting to wonder if I'm completely useless now, like all of my CV's and applications just get binned as soon as they arrive. Even the jobs I've been hopeful about have amounted to absolutely fuck all. I signed up with an agency, who literally only took my contact details and available working hours (any) and said that though I didn't have any training that was fine as they often preferred to train new staff their way anyway for the NVQ. They were supposed to call me with an interview date. That was about a month ago. I must admit it's feeling pretty hopeless and extremely unlikely I'll have a job by christmas. Won't even be able to afford to buy close friends and family any gifts, maybe not even Dan, and he keeps mentioning he's seen things that would be great to buy me for Christmas. I feel so intensely guilty for not being able to get anyone birthday presents this year that the very thought of December makes me feel even more depressed and hopeless about the whole situation. I had to borrow money from my boyfriend for a bus fare just to get home this morning. I think that says it all really :(
Well, before I get on too much of a downer again, I'll leave it at that. I've resolved to go to the doctor tomorrow morning for an appointment and start getting my head sorted out. I'll also spend a fair bit of time trying to sort things out here, as Wednesday night looks to be like a gaming night here with Chrispy and Dan coming down in the late afternoon and staying over as they're both off Thursday. I hope it perks me up, because if I keep breaking down I'll have no choice but to stay away from people completely rather than risk being the pathetic person I used to be.
Jenivere Out.
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