Time for some overdue spewings from my ever aching grey matter. I'm not very regular with this, simple reason being I don't always want to write, but when I do I just keep on going for hours at a time. I think this may be one of those times and I have had a build up because I've been meaning to write for days but have experienced the problem of writer's block (the form where I have something to write just can't be arsed to do so). Yeah. So I apologise for anyone who will attempt to read any kind of sense from all this I really don't feel like I'm going to make much of it....
You know, something that worries me right now is not just that I'm on the point of a complete mental meltdown from stress, it's that right now I want nothing more than a hard drink, preferably straight and in a pint glass so I can knock myself out with it and ignore all my problems. Instead, I'll just back off from anyone, avoid starting conversations and hopefully not screw anything up more than I potentially already have. Oh and I'm getting chest pains whenever I feel stressed out. Like now. I'm sure that's not a good sign...
My problem is dear reader being a far too deeply emotional person, I have gained the unfortunate habit of keeping it bottled up. Now, as physics will tell you, when you bottle something up and keep adding to it the pressure will grow until such a time as the top flies right off and there's a gigantic mess everywhere. Though it may appear to some to be an over-reaction to a trivial annoyance, the reality is I've once again allowed too much to brew beneath a (relatively) calm exterior and that one last straw just tipped the balance...
Everything I have mentioned before still gets to me despite my best efforts to not let it. I find myself increasingly paranoid that interaction with other human beings will only end badly, and am almost constantly terrified of putting a foot wrong. Quite honestly, I have difficulty now understanding people. I spent so long out of contact with most of humanity and only really getting to know how one person "ticked" that it's like the rest of the world is completely alien. I read too much in to things probably, or too little, and I all too often can't judge how other people think or feel about things - ignorance is not bliss, I forever seek knowledge and it drives me absolutely barmy not being able to get it. Which makes me make mistakes. Mistakes I just don't want to make any more.
The funny thing is, little as I understand others, I know that it would be a miracle to find anyone who understands a word I say. Example, I just let my brain out in a tiny burst a while ago with the following:
"Sometimes I feel like a complete disaster, like everything I attempt will somehow inexplicably go wrong, everything I try to fix will just end up more broken and everything I start will end before I even realise :( maybe I worry too much, but what if I do ruin all that I touch? :( how could I know without risking further damage? Is it time to quit while I'm behind?......"
Dear reader, do you think you or indeed anyone even has a clue what that means? The day someone actually understands me is the day I declare a miracle has occured. I hate to sound like an angsty teen "ohhhhh nobody gets me, wahhh" but it is an unfortunate truth....I fear never being understood, I fear more that nobody would ever want to try...but I don't quit...I'm not a quitter even if I ponder it sometimes...maybe I should make that clear in case dear reader you do understand.
So fear, well dear reader it seems I'm feeling particularly open today so I'll let you in on a little secret. My one and only greatest fear is of fear itself. Not in the way that people always quote that to make someone less afraid of something, not at all, I am truly terrified of the effects of fear on a person. Fear can make the mild mannered into monsters, turn the shy and retiring into the cornered animal waiting to bite, it can turn even the gentlest soul into a hateful vicious thing lashing out at all around it. Right now it's turning me into someone filled with all the things I hate most about myself, the paranoia, the constant worry, the clinginess, the sadness, the speed in which I react to things perhaps far too deeply than I should... And besides that, I fear being alone more than anything right now. I am scared that if I try to be near someone, try to end the loneliness, I'll try too hard, because it has been so long I only know how to be close to a person but not how to keep a distance and slowly get close, so I might just get too close too soon and that could spell disaster as much as anything. But enough of that, there's far more on my aching mind that must out soon too...
Ahh well, the next thing weighing heavily upon me is trying to get in to Uni. I want to study Mental Health Nursing, but I still need a reference, and the details of my grades and the exam boards I did them with. I need the certificates to tell me that and they are *somewhere* at my ex's. Wonderful. So not only am I sat here worried I may never complete the course thanks to my own levels of stress boiling over every week or so (or to reach this current stress level, every couple of months it gets this high), I'm worried I may not even get the chance to get in if I can't find things in time to apply. In the meantime I know I need to be looking for a job to be able to get my JSA but then how can I look for full time work when I'm planning to go to Uni in September (with any luck at least)?
Something else on my mind a lot is my dad. He's stressed, and I can tell that by looking at him, or more when his now ex partner enters either the room or his mind and he starts girpping and pulling at the arm of the sofa. Poor sofa. At least he has now sent me a message to say she finally got the paperwork for her side sorted so the sale of the house can go through - she has no more leverage on him. She has been using it to extort more and more money out of him, despite the fact that she has not long been back in work after having my now 5 year old half sister and spends all his money as fast as she possibly can. She's getting more than 2 thirds of the house sale value, and I can tell you for nothing that is not what she has earned or deserves. And she has STILL been after more. Not only that, she does feck all to help dad around the house, she is hindering his every effort to make the move go smoothly. She hasn't packed up a single thing of hers, and as he told me she expects someone else to do it all for her. Which she expects dad to pay for. Or do it himself. I'm so glad she has no leverage now to stop him because he said he'd put his foot down on her being manipulative like that, and if she doesn't sort her own stuff then well it really is her problem. You know, gentle reader, that she also disagreed with the notion of my cousin staying a couple of days while dad was moving so he could help carrying furniture etc. The pettiness is ridiculous!
On top of this she has custody of my little sister. I wouldn't mind, and I'm not proclaiming myself an expert in childcare, but she is going to do such a fucking atrocious job of it. My sis is now 5 as I said, and though she's fine with it at school, when she's at home and goes to the toilet she refuses to wipe her own arse and gets one of her parents to do it for her. She's perfectly capable and I am certain this isn't normal behaviour for a kid of her age, but if the mother will let her get away with it what can dad do? Every time he tries to use a sensible bit of discipline, like not letting her start to get out a noisy game when it's time for bed because it'll only get her more awake and excited, the stupid mother instead takes the side of the child and lets her get at least a compromise which is not neccessary when she'd have been happy I'm sure to go up to bed with maybe a few tantrum tears that could have been calmed easily enough without her getting her own way.
But the thing that bugs me most is that this woman is actually a backstabbing bitch, who I have to smile at. I don't want to make it harder on dad, but when my own sister says "Mummy said I'm not to do anything you tell me to cos you're only my sister so you can't tell me what to do"...........that was a result of, as my dad told me, when I very gently helped suggest she should go up to bed. Both parents were doing the same, I put in my good word of encouragement for her just to help make it easier and convince her nicely it was bedtime, but apparently that was a mistake. Dad doesn't think so, and argued with the stupid cow about it, but there you go. I can't even put in a single word of agreement. And I can't help out by doing some hoovering either, she won't do it but the other day she walked in the door and it was ok don't even finish the room you're doing, not a single word of thanks, just that she didn't want the noise. Fuck off lady I was doing you a favour, I don't see you doing anything. I see you leaving as soon as you're kid is asleep and going out all night. Or spending HOURS literally on the phone to anyone you possibly can.
I can't wait to move. I'll finally be away from every memory that haunts me in this town, like driving past my ex......and I won't have to put up a happy face to her. I used to like her, she used to be nice. But now she is just another manipulative bitch, and she's making my dad's life a complete misery and has for a long time. Much in the same way my ex used to with me. But all that will change. We'll be so much better off, me and him living together for a while. I can cook for him, take some of the pressure off....because either he'd cook for all of them, or she would cook for herself and my sis and not even offer him a thing so he'd have to clean up her mess then make his own.....ri-fucking-diculous. I want to help him chill out before he smokes himself to death like his father before him (heart disease)....19th June, we'll be starting the move. I cannot wait. Life can start again.
Phew. I think disaster has been averted. I actually feel calm and level headed again...well....almost....maybe I'll keep away from people a bit longer, just until the mask fits.
Jenivere Out.
You know, something that worries me right now is not just that I'm on the point of a complete mental meltdown from stress, it's that right now I want nothing more than a hard drink, preferably straight and in a pint glass so I can knock myself out with it and ignore all my problems. Instead, I'll just back off from anyone, avoid starting conversations and hopefully not screw anything up more than I potentially already have. Oh and I'm getting chest pains whenever I feel stressed out. Like now. I'm sure that's not a good sign...
My problem is dear reader being a far too deeply emotional person, I have gained the unfortunate habit of keeping it bottled up. Now, as physics will tell you, when you bottle something up and keep adding to it the pressure will grow until such a time as the top flies right off and there's a gigantic mess everywhere. Though it may appear to some to be an over-reaction to a trivial annoyance, the reality is I've once again allowed too much to brew beneath a (relatively) calm exterior and that one last straw just tipped the balance...
Everything I have mentioned before still gets to me despite my best efforts to not let it. I find myself increasingly paranoid that interaction with other human beings will only end badly, and am almost constantly terrified of putting a foot wrong. Quite honestly, I have difficulty now understanding people. I spent so long out of contact with most of humanity and only really getting to know how one person "ticked" that it's like the rest of the world is completely alien. I read too much in to things probably, or too little, and I all too often can't judge how other people think or feel about things - ignorance is not bliss, I forever seek knowledge and it drives me absolutely barmy not being able to get it. Which makes me make mistakes. Mistakes I just don't want to make any more.
The funny thing is, little as I understand others, I know that it would be a miracle to find anyone who understands a word I say. Example, I just let my brain out in a tiny burst a while ago with the following:
"Sometimes I feel like a complete disaster, like everything I attempt will somehow inexplicably go wrong, everything I try to fix will just end up more broken and everything I start will end before I even realise :( maybe I worry too much, but what if I do ruin all that I touch? :( how could I know without risking further damage? Is it time to quit while I'm behind?......"
Dear reader, do you think you or indeed anyone even has a clue what that means? The day someone actually understands me is the day I declare a miracle has occured. I hate to sound like an angsty teen "ohhhhh nobody gets me, wahhh" but it is an unfortunate truth....I fear never being understood, I fear more that nobody would ever want to try...but I don't quit...I'm not a quitter even if I ponder it sometimes...maybe I should make that clear in case dear reader you do understand.
So fear, well dear reader it seems I'm feeling particularly open today so I'll let you in on a little secret. My one and only greatest fear is of fear itself. Not in the way that people always quote that to make someone less afraid of something, not at all, I am truly terrified of the effects of fear on a person. Fear can make the mild mannered into monsters, turn the shy and retiring into the cornered animal waiting to bite, it can turn even the gentlest soul into a hateful vicious thing lashing out at all around it. Right now it's turning me into someone filled with all the things I hate most about myself, the paranoia, the constant worry, the clinginess, the sadness, the speed in which I react to things perhaps far too deeply than I should... And besides that, I fear being alone more than anything right now. I am scared that if I try to be near someone, try to end the loneliness, I'll try too hard, because it has been so long I only know how to be close to a person but not how to keep a distance and slowly get close, so I might just get too close too soon and that could spell disaster as much as anything. But enough of that, there's far more on my aching mind that must out soon too...
Ahh well, the next thing weighing heavily upon me is trying to get in to Uni. I want to study Mental Health Nursing, but I still need a reference, and the details of my grades and the exam boards I did them with. I need the certificates to tell me that and they are *somewhere* at my ex's. Wonderful. So not only am I sat here worried I may never complete the course thanks to my own levels of stress boiling over every week or so (or to reach this current stress level, every couple of months it gets this high), I'm worried I may not even get the chance to get in if I can't find things in time to apply. In the meantime I know I need to be looking for a job to be able to get my JSA but then how can I look for full time work when I'm planning to go to Uni in September (with any luck at least)?
Something else on my mind a lot is my dad. He's stressed, and I can tell that by looking at him, or more when his now ex partner enters either the room or his mind and he starts girpping and pulling at the arm of the sofa. Poor sofa. At least he has now sent me a message to say she finally got the paperwork for her side sorted so the sale of the house can go through - she has no more leverage on him. She has been using it to extort more and more money out of him, despite the fact that she has not long been back in work after having my now 5 year old half sister and spends all his money as fast as she possibly can. She's getting more than 2 thirds of the house sale value, and I can tell you for nothing that is not what she has earned or deserves. And she has STILL been after more. Not only that, she does feck all to help dad around the house, she is hindering his every effort to make the move go smoothly. She hasn't packed up a single thing of hers, and as he told me she expects someone else to do it all for her. Which she expects dad to pay for. Or do it himself. I'm so glad she has no leverage now to stop him because he said he'd put his foot down on her being manipulative like that, and if she doesn't sort her own stuff then well it really is her problem. You know, gentle reader, that she also disagreed with the notion of my cousin staying a couple of days while dad was moving so he could help carrying furniture etc. The pettiness is ridiculous!
On top of this she has custody of my little sister. I wouldn't mind, and I'm not proclaiming myself an expert in childcare, but she is going to do such a fucking atrocious job of it. My sis is now 5 as I said, and though she's fine with it at school, when she's at home and goes to the toilet she refuses to wipe her own arse and gets one of her parents to do it for her. She's perfectly capable and I am certain this isn't normal behaviour for a kid of her age, but if the mother will let her get away with it what can dad do? Every time he tries to use a sensible bit of discipline, like not letting her start to get out a noisy game when it's time for bed because it'll only get her more awake and excited, the stupid mother instead takes the side of the child and lets her get at least a compromise which is not neccessary when she'd have been happy I'm sure to go up to bed with maybe a few tantrum tears that could have been calmed easily enough without her getting her own way.
But the thing that bugs me most is that this woman is actually a backstabbing bitch, who I have to smile at. I don't want to make it harder on dad, but when my own sister says "Mummy said I'm not to do anything you tell me to cos you're only my sister so you can't tell me what to do"...........that was a result of, as my dad told me, when I very gently helped suggest she should go up to bed. Both parents were doing the same, I put in my good word of encouragement for her just to help make it easier and convince her nicely it was bedtime, but apparently that was a mistake. Dad doesn't think so, and argued with the stupid cow about it, but there you go. I can't even put in a single word of agreement. And I can't help out by doing some hoovering either, she won't do it but the other day she walked in the door and it was ok don't even finish the room you're doing, not a single word of thanks, just that she didn't want the noise. Fuck off lady I was doing you a favour, I don't see you doing anything. I see you leaving as soon as you're kid is asleep and going out all night. Or spending HOURS literally on the phone to anyone you possibly can.
I can't wait to move. I'll finally be away from every memory that haunts me in this town, like driving past my ex......and I won't have to put up a happy face to her. I used to like her, she used to be nice. But now she is just another manipulative bitch, and she's making my dad's life a complete misery and has for a long time. Much in the same way my ex used to with me. But all that will change. We'll be so much better off, me and him living together for a while. I can cook for him, take some of the pressure off....because either he'd cook for all of them, or she would cook for herself and my sis and not even offer him a thing so he'd have to clean up her mess then make his own.....ri-fucking-diculous. I want to help him chill out before he smokes himself to death like his father before him (heart disease)....19th June, we'll be starting the move. I cannot wait. Life can start again.
Phew. I think disaster has been averted. I actually feel calm and level headed again...well....almost....maybe I'll keep away from people a bit longer, just until the mask fits.
Jenivere Out.
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