I'm doing this one backwards, I just wrote the title and now I'm going to tackle that backwards too. I like to shake it up a bit sometimes. This isn't a positive one. Sorry. I hereby promise to either put something more positive in this blog, or start another alongside it which will only include positive and interesting things...
So the importance of a word. Well, what can one little word mean? It's just one word describing something, I just don't want to take it and use it to define this, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that this word fits. I was talking to a friend today when she came to visit, she brought me lunch which was really lovely of her. We hadn't spoken much since my breakup, and she was curious to the details. I spoke freely, more freely than I have done before about it, and feel it is fine to out some more little truths because of the word I feel now more fits to what he was and what he did.
I still maintain, despite using this word, that it was most likely not intentional and rather as a result of the problems he was facing that I just couldn't fix, I also uphold that the full connotations of the word were not realised, but as I now have to admit it has a lot of different forms. It's a difficult thing to admit, it's like an admission of weakness which is something I despise, it's an accusation of guilt but it's undeniable now and every clearer to me that it could have been so much worse if I stayed because the lines kept blurring.....I'll stop avoiding it now. The word, is abuse. Emotional for the most part, and also mainly my own fault. He always told me to stand up for myself, and I'm fairly strong willed when I want to be, and over time I gained the confidence to do so. The thing he neglected to mention was that he didn't want me to stand up to him.
It's like my friend says, physical isn't exclusive to that which leaves bruises it's more about the force used to assert dominance, that's the abuse right there. So I'll be honest. There were times when I was fool enough to stand my ground. I never stood my ground well enough because I didn't want to hurt him, just do what was neccessary at the time. Most often this would be prising away alcohol or weaponry. One should not own a rifle when one is severely depressed and drunk. But anyway, this would end not in blows but instead with the assertion of who stood where. Which would range from him one side of a door and me the other, to him kneeling on my arms with a hand on my throat. Somewhere in between there were various pushes shoves and throws for purposes of relocating me to the wall, floor, bed or chair depending on the situation specifics.
You know, it's just a word, but it has so much of a stigma attached to it, I avoided it. I avoided attaching those connotations because it's difficult for me to swallow my pride and admit to being too weak. But you know what? It feels better. There's one more weight off my mind for now.
Well, on to the next, how to be blunt....I think I managed that above to a degree. In my last post I tried to do away with ambiguity, to be more honest than I have been. But as above, it's not an easy thing to do. And right now I'm weighing up some pros and cons before I just say things as they are. It's just fear holding me back, and all this time I'm trying to get rid of fear and get on with life...it's not as easy as I'd like it to be.
Courage....courage is something I need. All I will say for now is that I think some questions need to be asked, direct ones to get answers and clear up the confusion that is the cause of so much of my stress right now. I'm just worried that I might not like the answers I hear, or that by asking I will be provoking the answer I don't want simply because it's not right to ask now. I'll bide my time, see what tomorrow brings as it were.
I need to put this down and let my mind rest. It's....restless...it doesn't like being surrounded by uncertainty at every turn. Back to music it is, maybe that will bring me some peace.
Jenivere Out
So the importance of a word. Well, what can one little word mean? It's just one word describing something, I just don't want to take it and use it to define this, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that this word fits. I was talking to a friend today when she came to visit, she brought me lunch which was really lovely of her. We hadn't spoken much since my breakup, and she was curious to the details. I spoke freely, more freely than I have done before about it, and feel it is fine to out some more little truths because of the word I feel now more fits to what he was and what he did.
I still maintain, despite using this word, that it was most likely not intentional and rather as a result of the problems he was facing that I just couldn't fix, I also uphold that the full connotations of the word were not realised, but as I now have to admit it has a lot of different forms. It's a difficult thing to admit, it's like an admission of weakness which is something I despise, it's an accusation of guilt but it's undeniable now and every clearer to me that it could have been so much worse if I stayed because the lines kept blurring.....I'll stop avoiding it now. The word, is abuse. Emotional for the most part, and also mainly my own fault. He always told me to stand up for myself, and I'm fairly strong willed when I want to be, and over time I gained the confidence to do so. The thing he neglected to mention was that he didn't want me to stand up to him.
It's like my friend says, physical isn't exclusive to that which leaves bruises it's more about the force used to assert dominance, that's the abuse right there. So I'll be honest. There were times when I was fool enough to stand my ground. I never stood my ground well enough because I didn't want to hurt him, just do what was neccessary at the time. Most often this would be prising away alcohol or weaponry. One should not own a rifle when one is severely depressed and drunk. But anyway, this would end not in blows but instead with the assertion of who stood where. Which would range from him one side of a door and me the other, to him kneeling on my arms with a hand on my throat. Somewhere in between there were various pushes shoves and throws for purposes of relocating me to the wall, floor, bed or chair depending on the situation specifics.
You know, it's just a word, but it has so much of a stigma attached to it, I avoided it. I avoided attaching those connotations because it's difficult for me to swallow my pride and admit to being too weak. But you know what? It feels better. There's one more weight off my mind for now.
Well, on to the next, how to be blunt....I think I managed that above to a degree. In my last post I tried to do away with ambiguity, to be more honest than I have been. But as above, it's not an easy thing to do. And right now I'm weighing up some pros and cons before I just say things as they are. It's just fear holding me back, and all this time I'm trying to get rid of fear and get on with life...it's not as easy as I'd like it to be.
Courage....courage is something I need. All I will say for now is that I think some questions need to be asked, direct ones to get answers and clear up the confusion that is the cause of so much of my stress right now. I'm just worried that I might not like the answers I hear, or that by asking I will be provoking the answer I don't want simply because it's not right to ask now. I'll bide my time, see what tomorrow brings as it were.
I need to put this down and let my mind rest. It's....restless...it doesn't like being surrounded by uncertainty at every turn. Back to music it is, maybe that will bring me some peace.
Jenivere Out
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