BrainVomit - Purging thoughts

I haven't written in such a long time. I have been busy, with both work and Dan, there's one excuse, another is I just haven't felt like moaning like a preteen fucking emokid who has broken a nail and thinks that means the world is ending. But now I'm here, because I'm full to bursting point and have nowhere else to go. If I don't let it out now by sitting and writing then it is sure to force its way out, in a more destructive manner. I had thoughts of being creative but it's just not coming to me tonight. I'm in too much of a low, I need to be in a moderate high to write anything of creative substance.

So this is the new year, the second month of it too. What has it brought me so far? Well, I now have the diagnosis of Bipolar that I have suspected and indeed been suffering for the last 7+years. Finally a gp listened enough to hear the words mood swings rather than just low. I'm rocketing from sky high then plummeting to rock bottom lows, several times a day. As you can probably imagine this leaves me more than a little distressed and confused. Admittedly, it hasn't always been this bad, for several years the highs and lows were much longer and spaced apart, heck most of last summer was just one massive high before I got unstable again.

I have found people to talk to about it, there's a discussion forum for bipolar's that I've joined, though it has few active members those I have spoken to have helped a bit.

I guess I'm back on the up again right now, but I'm still questioning everything. Today I wonder if my friends even like me at all, I don't see them any more because I'm keeping myself busy with work and can't face going out to club or anything, and very few make an effort to talk to me now. I don't blame them, I honestly hate myself and can't see any reason anyone else would have to like me. Besides they all have plenty of other friends to have a good time with, without having the crazy fucking nutjob bringing the mood down. Ah, there's the downer again. I new the up was only brief, probably because I took a 10min break from writing to talk to my cousin on msn. I don't like starting conversations any more on there, I have nothing to say when I feel down, and when I'm up I make little to no sense at all. I can sit there and go through the motions, use those little smiley faces to cover up the fact that I'm crying behind this stupid screen and it makes no difference. I'm so distant from the conversation sometimes it might as well be computing automated responses. I really wouldn't be surprised if all contact with the outside world starts falling away, it's probably for the best anyway. There's no point me bringing anyone else down with me because nobody can help me, I'm a fucking lost cause and even the professionals know that much. Counselling evaluation resulted in them saying they'll have to call me about the next appointment because they need to go into a meeting with their superiors to discuss the best course of action for me. I'm that screwed up they can't even talk to me about it. Didn't help that I went up and down at least twice when I was in the 45 minute session and they seemed to have no real idea of how bipolar works. But back to the point, less contact means less having to lie through idle words about how I feel and less chance of bringing anyone down. I know people may say they care but at the end of the day I'd rather they were off having a good time than giving a shit about a worthless piece of crap like myself.

All this is running through my head, all the time, along with a thousand other thoughts all at 100mph. The only way I can deal with it is to try and surpress it all with logic, stupid little games like Spider Solitaire, absorbing into the pure logical rules because it makes a lot more sense than my head. Memories, words, thoughts, feelings, it's all a massive blur that I can't cope with. Work is just a series of tasks I can absorb into behind a mask I put on with that sickening fake smile that makes me want to tear my own face off. A face that half the time I don't even recognise. It's like having an out of body experience but being in your body, my reflection does not look like me, everything feels out of place, my voice sounds completely alien (and entirely annoying) and I hate every inch of it all head to toe. How or why anyone would want to be near this piteous wreck really is beyond me.

I'm so freaking low right now I'm probably just going to curl up and cry, then eat something in the hopes it will take my mind off it. It never does, it never comforts me, it only makes me feel sick with myself for the growing obesity but I can't help it, it's a compulsion. I hope I bounce back in the next hour or so. There's things I need to do before tomorrow.


Jenivere Out.