The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a shambolic mess. I had a few days off after some pretty non-stop intense days of work while suffering from what it turns out is a chest infection. Hooray! So I went to the doc, was given antibiotics and a new inhaler - I'm asthmatic but as it doesn't normally affect me much I don't tend to keep one. The concoction of pills is having a mixed result, with the slight and entirely new side effect of the salbutamol inhaler being shaky hands (to the point where writing is difficult) and hot flushes. Top this off with a little dizziness and a slight high from the mixture of everything that shouldn't react badly with itself but might anyway just to annoy me. And still, I feel like crap.
But anyway, on to somthing a tad more positive. On my 3-days-off-in-a-row, which was much needed I might add, I was able to spend some quality time with Dan. We both had the Monday off so I headed to his house middayish. We spent some time in his room where I admired his 3 (yes, 3!!!) mini xmas trees - such a difference to my ex who was nothing but a grinch over the past few years, making me choose and buy my own present and not wanting any surprises himself either he had to be forced into allowing any meagre decorations...but enough about him because Dan's festive spirit is really uplifting to be around, he has restored my faith in the seasonal cheer and indeed in some parts of humanity also. Hats off to him there.
So back to the point, we had some time inside, and spent a lot of quality time together, ahem, and by the evening we were making plans to go out for the night. We ended up going to not the usual pub but to a different one much closer to the house - it was damn cold so I'm glad we didn't have so far to go! We met a few friends there and spent a really good couple of hours just talking and laughing over a pint or 2 with people who are simply a joy to spend time with. I've missed going out a lot since starting work but I'm glad that when we do now it's always worth it, especially when we can completely avoid certain other folk who seem to lower the tone in more ways than one.
So that was a good day. When I left on Tuesday morning I was still on a high, and went home to work on some music. I ended up writing some new material and recording a couple of pieces via PSEye and did the same again during Wednesday while also getting neccessary washing etc done. I was on a massive high, but with the downside that being on such a creative high made me completely neglect calling about counselling, again. I should have by now but I keep making the excuses, to be honest I think I'm just scared about bringing everything out into the open incase I break down like I did before when I was young. One can only hope that time has made one stronger.
The dizzying highs are always followed by the lows, and though with the pills the lows are less severe I still feel them. It's when I'm low that the usual normal if a little bizarre vivid dreams that the pills bring about turn into inescapable nightmares. Last night was another nightmare that burned itself into my memory, because it just repeated like it was on a loop all night, until finally I was able to wake up and end the horror. The memories I have from my nightmares now scar almost as deep as true memories, because in all honesty when I get hurt I really feel the pain, I feel everything in these dreams at the moment as lucid as if I was awake and it was all happening in the here and now, even the most surreal parts too.
I'm now also wondering if I am becoming dependant on these pills. Not because I crave them, or feel anxious if I'm late with a dose, or through withdrawal symptoms, nothing like that. I just simply realised that tonight I haven't had them yet and normally I could be fast asleep by now, but I don't feel like I can sleep. So I took it late about 10minutes ago and am waiting for sleep's choking embrace to drag me into another nightmare, when I awake I will be just as tired and in no way ready for a day of work, but at least it's only a 6hour sunday shift...it can't be that bad, right?
But anyway, on to somthing a tad more positive. On my 3-days-off-in-a-row, which was much needed I might add, I was able to spend some quality time with Dan. We both had the Monday off so I headed to his house middayish. We spent some time in his room where I admired his 3 (yes, 3!!!) mini xmas trees - such a difference to my ex who was nothing but a grinch over the past few years, making me choose and buy my own present and not wanting any surprises himself either he had to be forced into allowing any meagre decorations...but enough about him because Dan's festive spirit is really uplifting to be around, he has restored my faith in the seasonal cheer and indeed in some parts of humanity also. Hats off to him there.
So back to the point, we had some time inside, and spent a lot of quality time together, ahem, and by the evening we were making plans to go out for the night. We ended up going to not the usual pub but to a different one much closer to the house - it was damn cold so I'm glad we didn't have so far to go! We met a few friends there and spent a really good couple of hours just talking and laughing over a pint or 2 with people who are simply a joy to spend time with. I've missed going out a lot since starting work but I'm glad that when we do now it's always worth it, especially when we can completely avoid certain other folk who seem to lower the tone in more ways than one.
So that was a good day. When I left on Tuesday morning I was still on a high, and went home to work on some music. I ended up writing some new material and recording a couple of pieces via PSEye and did the same again during Wednesday while also getting neccessary washing etc done. I was on a massive high, but with the downside that being on such a creative high made me completely neglect calling about counselling, again. I should have by now but I keep making the excuses, to be honest I think I'm just scared about bringing everything out into the open incase I break down like I did before when I was young. One can only hope that time has made one stronger.
The dizzying highs are always followed by the lows, and though with the pills the lows are less severe I still feel them. It's when I'm low that the usual normal if a little bizarre vivid dreams that the pills bring about turn into inescapable nightmares. Last night was another nightmare that burned itself into my memory, because it just repeated like it was on a loop all night, until finally I was able to wake up and end the horror. The memories I have from my nightmares now scar almost as deep as true memories, because in all honesty when I get hurt I really feel the pain, I feel everything in these dreams at the moment as lucid as if I was awake and it was all happening in the here and now, even the most surreal parts too.
I'm now also wondering if I am becoming dependant on these pills. Not because I crave them, or feel anxious if I'm late with a dose, or through withdrawal symptoms, nothing like that. I just simply realised that tonight I haven't had them yet and normally I could be fast asleep by now, but I don't feel like I can sleep. So I took it late about 10minutes ago and am waiting for sleep's choking embrace to drag me into another nightmare, when I awake I will be just as tired and in no way ready for a day of work, but at least it's only a 6hour sunday shift...it can't be that bad, right?
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