My phone inbox has been filled up with old messages I haven't deleted for months. I went through and copied some of them on to a document then deleted them from my phone. I don't need them any more they mean nothing to me now. Well actually what they do mean is that I was right. The words themselves prove things that were argued strongly against me by somebody.
This person believe they weren't leading me on emotionally but well shall we review? “Can I sleep with you plz? I don't wanna sleep any other way. X” or maybe “Hehe. Wish had time spent together or had the internet...” or perhaps “Flattery will get you anywhere miss stunt :p” followed by “Hehe was just using the phrase :p but you know i'm yours already :)” because all of that is of course purely sexual so there's absolutely no emotional context behind that, nothing that would possibly lead a person to believe there was something there. And now a close friendship seems all but lost because they don't want to talk to me, personally I believe it's because they know they wrong. I'm letting go, clearing out the messages and listening to the very apt “The Noose” by A Perfect Circle... “I'm more than just a little curious how you plan to go about making your amends to the dead.” / “Your halo is slipping, your halo is slipping down to choke you now.”
But that was weeks ago, nay almost months ago now. That's a mistake I'm not going to hold on to or regret, I'm just going to learn from it. My heart wasn't broken because I hung on to it and didn't let it go. Sure I could have let myself fall but this time I held a rope, in some ways I was expecting it to end like that. Now I'm erasing the last bits of it so I'm not carrying my mistake with me. I feel lighter, like a weight is lifting. Ohhh an even more apt song, here's some lyrics for you. “I thought we had more, I thought we had more, or was there something I didn't know? You lied to me, you lied to me, you don't care if you're hurting me. // Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone out there at all?” Track change, something happy. Snow, RHCP, that'll do.
I'm feeling a lot more of the inner balance and stability that I know I should right now. I also feel like I'm smiling a lot even though I'm not on the outside there's definitely a smile in there somewhere! I guess I just don't feel quite as lonely now, I get very sad when I'm alone. Maybe over the years I've become too needy, maybe just too soft. My hard exterior will remain though but I think the people closest to me already know it's a bit of a face sometimes... Well, let's just keep living life and see what it brings me. Hopefully by the time I upload this it will bring me tidings of money, I hear my landlady wants to speak to me before.Wednesday which I assume is regarding rent and moving out days...mother also reminded me the 18th is some family get together meal at her place for my stepdad's 60th, and dad just rang to say we're having the internet installed this week hopefully, so it's all good!
Also just listening to Radiohead randomly, a band I know Dan quite likes, halfway through the song I get a message from him. Random, and awesome, and funny - “Had the funniest thing happen at work today, a bloke came in for sausages, and I said do you want to mix and match jumbo and licolnshire and he said “i'd have eaten what ever you gave me” I so nearly snoogan'd but stopped myself lol” I could only reply with “Haha! Nicely done! So you have many sausages at work, of different, some of which are jumbo, and people go there to get some? Snoogans! :D” ...I should explain that “snoogans” is a phrase from Jay and Silent Bob, which we are using to replace the now overused “giggity” whenever something is sexual innuendo. Ho hum! Funny :) I laughed, out loud indeed.
~~~~~~~~ Though of the Day ~~~~~~~~
Sometimes you need to let go of things even if you're not holding on to them in the first place. A clean page is the best place to write a story, you can't expect a happy ending when words are already smudged and erased.
Jenivere Out.
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