BrainVomit - Love to be Hated, Spontaneously Bad Ideas, Dishes Best Served Cold and A Thought of the Day

Seeing as I split these blogs into sections, I'm going to make it easier and put in a break when I change the subject. Then I can go back and add stuff, and when you, bored reader, decide you want to skip a bit you may feel free

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Sometimes I wonder if I do it on purpose, find someone agitated and wind them up further somehow...try to give a shit and end up only making things worse. I sometimes wonder if I actively seek out people who keep all their problems in and push out at any poor fool who would dare to come near. It's not like it's an isolated incident I'm mentioning, just remembering, knowing how the people I care about most all seem to have this trait from my oldest dearest friend, to my long term ex boyfriend. Do I actually enjoy being hated? Or am I just to stupid to know when to walk away? Well lock me up and throw away the key, it's obviously a crime to care. I'll be waiting in the cell when I'm wanted again but for now I won't hold my breath. Maybe I should just lay on the floor near a doorway and write welcome on my back. *sigh*

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So a spontaneously bad idea, well I like to do things on the spur of the moment sometimes and tonight I may just be doing it again. I need more friends in this area if I'm going to move here, so I figure I may as well take a few safe chances and find some. The other week I went to the cinema with a chap who wanted someone geeky enough to see Trek with, he'd found me througth a group for the club I sometimes go to, we got talking, he seemed friendly enough and thought it sounded like fun. Went in for 2.40pm, saw the film, which was good but intensely frustrating for a long term Star Trek fan like myself, then walked back to Tesco (the other side of the place the cinema is) and in a truly unique flair I have for being socially inappropriate I rather too quickly said farewell and headed into Tesco with the excuse of finding something for dinner later. What can I say I panicked, I felt a bit awkward and wanted to get home to play CoD4 with friends. He hasn't contacted me since...woops...

So anyway, back to the point of tonights potential social cockup. I've been contacted by a chap on myspace, musician, quite like his music it's interesting and we've talked about music a bit because I studied it for A level and he went on to do it at Uni - hats off there it's a hard subject to master. In the spirit of making new friends around here I've agreed to possibly meet him this evening and just sit and chat on the beach somewhere. It's a gorgeous day and the coastal air will do me good - it seems to have a lot less of the pollen that gets in my eyes and nose :s he said last night he'd send me a message this afternoon and let me know, it could be nice :) it could of course be a gigantic mistake because he keeps getting a bit flirty with me on msn, I mean it's not like it's in a pervy way just being nice, complimentary, and saying a few things like "maybe we might both take a fancy to each other!ha" which are met with "we'll see, I'm not sure about that though, nothing personal just really only looking for friends right now :)" but he came back with "yeah we can be friends, of course, just thought if we find each other attractive we could be a little more than friends" which isn't exactly pushy, but I really do want to put him off without being a bitch about it. I'm not interested in anything more than a new friend but I'm still not used to not being able to use the excuse that I'm with someone.

We'll see what happens, it can only go one of three ways here. The first is we don't actually meet. The second is I'll make a new friend, and just a friend. The third is I'll get annoyed by overly flirtatiousness and walk off. I don't mind a little, hell it's flattering and I'm not exactly used to being complimented by...well...anyone, but I do draw lines and won't be leading anyone on. I'm not that kind of girl. Sure I love wearing hotpants and like friendly hugs, but I've not once even kissed someone who I didn't first have feelings for. I guess it just means more to me than it does most people.

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Revenge is best chilled and served with a side order of just desserts. I'm currently planning the kind of long winded revenge where the victim of the vengeance actually does the work all by themselves. This person happens to be flirting a lot with someone who has no interest and would rather they'd just sod off. They don't seem to be taking the hint, and have gone so far as to use today's modern technology to be rather offensive which almost ended very badly when a younger sibling of the offended party was present and very nearly saw what neither of them wanted to see.

This person has now taken decided to start talking more to me, with the recent addition last night of having my msn and mobile number (which are on a semi-public profile, I don't care because I happen to have a block function on both) and even my PSN too though I haven't been home to accept that yet.

The sheer perfection in the revenge is just being natural. This person is obviously very full of themselves and won't be put off by my putting them off. This very persistence will be their downfall if they keep it up because I will find out what I need to know and make sure they never offend again with the added bonus of a large portion of embarassment. Hopefully taking them down a peg or 2 will wake them up and make them a better person, if not, well, we can have a well earned laugh at them for their general dickery.

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I've decided I should end these better, so from now on I will end on a thought plucked directly from my head.....

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a yoyo? Take my string off your finger and maybe you'll see what it is to be drawn in then pushed out.

Jenivere out.

BrainVomit - Going Away and Finding Peace

I'm stressing over things I shouldn't be. I'm going on about it, I'm bringing down those around me, so it's time to go away. I'm sick of being the self centred fool who can't see past her own problems and ends up dragging down everyone else who is stupid enough to get close. The sensible ones already retreated to a safe distance I guess... I want to help those I see that really need it now, but I'm no good to anyone and I never have been. I break what I try and fix, even when I dedicate years of my life to repairing them somehow I can't seem to manage it....

So I'm going away. I need to be away to go to the jobcentre, but I will stay longer, if I can, and try to find some peace of mind. This probably means I'll be floating on my back halfway to sea by Monday evening, but who knows, I'll go where the tides take me. I want to stay and fight my demons, push it all back and say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, but this time it's flight that wins and I'm running away from everything I can't quite face. My apologies, it's not how I'd like to do things but if I can't regain my serenity I'll make more of a mess of everything than I already have. Maybe running away is the worst possible thing I could do right now, but it seems the only option to my heart which will forever over-rule the sense in my head.

Dear reader I shall see you soon, and pledge to be more positive again, I don't want to be this person lost and alone, I want to be happy and full of that same old love for the world. I'd rather be the naive idealistic fool than stuck with a puzzle I can't hope to solve, ignorance really can be bliss...I can't be ignorant any more, but what I can be and hope to be is able to help the people I love the most.

Fare thee well

Jenivere Out

Waking...

Dear Dream,

This is the last I will write to you lest you think my mind's obsessed. If ever I find you again...if a dream could be real I'd want it to last, I want to move but I want to move slow, I just need to know if I can ever leave this limbo you've left me in. You're still a dream it seems, but is it all you'll ever be? I will keep you locked away safe, I won't forget you or give up on you but I can't dream any more. I give up hunting. I was never that good anyway, and, strange dream, you are an elusive prey. I'll wait for you in my sleepless nights, hoping for an answer to a question I can't ask.

Yours in slumber,
Jenivere the Woken

Dreaming Again?...

I'm not sure when it was but I seem to have fallen asleep again. I closed my eyes by mistake and I'm dreaming. I never dream of simplicity, I guess it's not my way. I am beginning to think that it is the mystery of you, little dream, that makes you so beautiful in my eyes. The less I understand, the more I want to know, the less you reveal, the more I want to see. The more broken you are the more I just want to put you together again. Every time I see you sad just makes me more determined to make you happy, and more frustrated when I can't. When you are silent I long to hear just a word, and any word would do. The further away you are the more I wish to be near, but I have patience to last a lifetime and could sleep forever if this dream would never die. Even when a storm will keep me awake, I hold on to my dreams in hopes when I close my eyes they won't all be gone.

There's so much about you I want to know, so many questions I want to ask, but....you're just a dream...when I sleep you seem so real, but how when I'm awake, how can I know when I'm not dreaming any more? How can I know you could ever be more than a lonely wish upon the furthest star? I am but a dreamer... I won't give up on my dreams, if only they could speak, or dare I hope, someday, come true...If only......if only I knew...

BrainVomit - Uncertainty, it's a Bitch

The one and only thing really bugging me right now, and I mean migraine level here I had to pause FF7 and lay with my eyes closed for 10mins over this one, is uncertainty. If there's something that should be known I would really rather I was just told. I was for a long time worried about my best friend, and paranoid that maybe I had really messed up and pissed her off bigtime. I wouldn't have been half as worried if she'd told me all that was going on sooner...not that I blame her at all, I completely understand and love her all the more right now for a whole bunch of reasons.

Quite simply right now I am more than a little concerned that there is something somebody isn't telling me. I might of course be completely wrong, but I have a feeling there's something out there unspoken that I just don't want to hear - but the not hearing it is of course far worse because I don't even know if it exists to be heard. And the only way to know it doesn't exist is to hear something to the contrary, that would make me so much more comfortable just knowing exactly where I stand.

The other thing that bothers me is never being able to actually help anyone, I usually seem to make things worse :s but the likelihood of me ever not trying is about the same as me winning the lottery, and I don't even play. *sigh* nobody told me life was so complicated, if I'd have known I'd have point blank refused to be born. Well, ok, that's a lie I would have done it all anyway but at least I'd have known what to expect!

Time for ice cream and headache pills.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Courage, How to be Blunt and The Importance of a Word

I'm doing this one backwards, I just wrote the title and now I'm going to tackle that backwards too. I like to shake it up a bit sometimes. This isn't a positive one. Sorry. I hereby promise to either put something more positive in this blog, or start another alongside it which will only include positive and interesting things...

So the importance of a word. Well, what can one little word mean? It's just one word describing something, I just don't want to take it and use it to define this, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that this word fits. I was talking to a friend today when she came to visit, she brought me lunch which was really lovely of her. We hadn't spoken much since my breakup, and she was curious to the details. I spoke freely, more freely than I have done before about it, and feel it is fine to out some more little truths because of the word I feel now more fits to what he was and what he did.

I still maintain, despite using this word, that it was most likely not intentional and rather as a result of the problems he was facing that I just couldn't fix, I also uphold that the full connotations of the word were not realised, but as I now have to admit it has a lot of different forms. It's a difficult thing to admit, it's like an admission of weakness which is something I despise, it's an accusation of guilt but it's undeniable now and every clearer to me that it could have been so much worse if I stayed because the lines kept blurring.....I'll stop avoiding it now. The word, is abuse. Emotional for the most part, and also mainly my own fault. He always told me to stand up for myself, and I'm fairly strong willed when I want to be, and over time I gained the confidence to do so. The thing he neglected to mention was that he didn't want me to stand up to him.

It's like my friend says, physical isn't exclusive to that which leaves bruises it's more about the force used to assert dominance, that's the abuse right there. So I'll be honest. There were times when I was fool enough to stand my ground. I never stood my ground well enough because I didn't want to hurt him, just do what was neccessary at the time. Most often this would be prising away alcohol or weaponry. One should not own a rifle when one is severely depressed and drunk. But anyway, this would end not in blows but instead with the assertion of who stood where. Which would range from him one side of a door and me the other, to him kneeling on my arms with a hand on my throat. Somewhere in between there were various pushes shoves and throws for purposes of relocating me to the wall, floor, bed or chair depending on the situation specifics.

You know, it's just a word, but it has so much of a stigma attached to it, I avoided it. I avoided attaching those connotations because it's difficult for me to swallow my pride and admit to being too weak. But you know what? It feels better. There's one more weight off my mind for now.

Well, on to the next, how to be blunt....I think I managed that above to a degree. In my last post I tried to do away with ambiguity, to be more honest than I have been. But as above, it's not an easy thing to do. And right now I'm weighing up some pros and cons before I just say things as they are. It's just fear holding me back, and all this time I'm trying to get rid of fear and get on with life...it's not as easy as I'd like it to be.

Courage....courage is something I need. All I will say for now is that I think some questions need to be asked, direct ones to get answers and clear up the confusion that is the cause of so much of my stress right now. I'm just worried that I might not like the answers I hear, or that by asking I will be provoking the answer I don't want simply because it's not right to ask now. I'll bide my time, see what tomorrow brings as it were.

I need to put this down and let my mind rest. It's....restless...it doesn't like being surrounded by uncertainty at every turn. Back to music it is, maybe that will bring me some peace.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Pressure, Meltdown, Fears and the Straws That Broke This Camel's Back

Time for some overdue spewings from my ever aching grey matter. I'm not very regular with this, simple reason being I don't always want to write, but when I do I just keep on going for hours at a time. I think this may be one of those times and I have had a build up because I've been meaning to write for days but have experienced the problem of writer's block (the form where I have something to write just can't be arsed to do so). Yeah. So I apologise for anyone who will attempt to read any kind of sense from all this I really don't feel like I'm going to make much of it....

You know, something that worries me right now is not just that I'm on the point of a complete mental meltdown from stress, it's that right now I want nothing more than a hard drink, preferably straight and in a pint glass so I can knock myself out with it and ignore all my problems. Instead, I'll just back off from anyone, avoid starting conversations and hopefully not screw anything up more than I potentially already have. Oh and I'm getting chest pains whenever I feel stressed out. Like now. I'm sure that's not a good sign...

My problem is dear reader being a far too deeply emotional person, I have gained the unfortunate habit of keeping it bottled up. Now, as physics will tell you, when you bottle something up and keep adding to it the pressure will grow until such a time as the top flies right off and there's a gigantic mess everywhere. Though it may appear to some to be an over-reaction to a trivial annoyance, the reality is I've once again allowed too much to brew beneath a (relatively) calm exterior and that one last straw just tipped the balance...

Everything I have mentioned before still gets to me despite my best efforts to not let it. I find myself increasingly paranoid that interaction with other human beings will only end badly, and am almost constantly terrified of putting a foot wrong. Quite honestly, I have difficulty now understanding people. I spent so long out of contact with most of humanity and only really getting to know how one person "ticked" that it's like the rest of the world is completely alien. I read too much in to things probably, or too little, and I all too often can't judge how other people think or feel about things - ignorance is not bliss, I forever seek knowledge and it drives me absolutely barmy not being able to get it. Which makes me make mistakes. Mistakes I just don't want to make any more.

The funny thing is, little as I understand others, I know that it would be a miracle to find anyone who understands a word I say. Example, I just let my brain out in a tiny burst a while ago with the following:
"Sometimes I feel like a complete disaster, like everything I attempt will somehow inexplicably go wrong, everything I try to fix will just end up more broken and everything I start will end before I even realise :( maybe I worry too much, but what if I do ruin all that I touch? :( how could I know without risking further damage? Is it time to quit while I'm behind?......"
Dear reader, do you think you or indeed anyone even has a clue what that means? The day someone actually understands me is the day I declare a miracle has occured. I hate to sound like an angsty teen "ohhhhh nobody gets me, wahhh" but it is an unfortunate truth....I fear never being understood, I fear more that nobody would ever want to try...but I don't quit...I'm not a quitter even if I ponder it sometimes...maybe I should make that clear in case dear reader you do understand.

So fear, well dear reader it seems I'm feeling particularly open today so I'll let you in on a little secret. My one and only greatest fear is of fear itself. Not in the way that people always quote that to make someone less afraid of something, not at all, I am truly terrified of the effects of fear on a person. Fear can make the mild mannered into monsters, turn the shy and retiring into the cornered animal waiting to bite, it can turn even the gentlest soul into a hateful vicious thing lashing out at all around it. Right now it's turning me into someone filled with all the things I hate most about myself, the paranoia, the constant worry, the clinginess, the sadness, the speed in which I react to things perhaps far too deeply than I should... And besides that, I fear being alone more than anything right now. I am scared that if I try to be near someone, try to end the loneliness, I'll try too hard, because it has been so long I only know how to be close to a person but not how to keep a distance and slowly get close, so I might just get too close too soon and that could spell disaster as much as anything. But enough of that, there's far more on my aching mind that must out soon too...

Ahh well, the next thing weighing heavily upon me is trying to get in to Uni. I want to study Mental Health Nursing, but I still need a reference, and the details of my grades and the exam boards I did them with. I need the certificates to tell me that and they are *somewhere* at my ex's. Wonderful. So not only am I sat here worried I may never complete the course thanks to my own levels of stress boiling over every week or so (or to reach this current stress level, every couple of months it gets this high), I'm worried I may not even get the chance to get in if I can't find things in time to apply. In the meantime I know I need to be looking for a job to be able to get my JSA but then how can I look for full time work when I'm planning to go to Uni in September (with any luck at least)?

Something else on my mind a lot is my dad. He's stressed, and I can tell that by looking at him, or more when his now ex partner enters either the room or his mind and he starts girpping and pulling at the arm of the sofa. Poor sofa. At least he has now sent me a message to say she finally got the paperwork for her side sorted so the sale of the house can go through - she has no more leverage on him. She has been using it to extort more and more money out of him, despite the fact that she has not long been back in work after having my now 5 year old half sister and spends all his money as fast as she possibly can. She's getting more than 2 thirds of the house sale value, and I can tell you for nothing that is not what she has earned or deserves. And she has STILL been after more. Not only that, she does feck all to help dad around the house, she is hindering his every effort to make the move go smoothly. She hasn't packed up a single thing of hers, and as he told me she expects someone else to do it all for her. Which she expects dad to pay for. Or do it himself. I'm so glad she has no leverage now to stop him because he said he'd put his foot down on her being manipulative like that, and if she doesn't sort her own stuff then well it really is her problem. You know, gentle reader, that she also disagreed with the notion of my cousin staying a couple of days while dad was moving so he could help carrying furniture etc. The pettiness is ridiculous!

On top of this she has custody of my little sister. I wouldn't mind, and I'm not proclaiming myself an expert in childcare, but she is going to do such a fucking atrocious job of it. My sis is now 5 as I said, and though she's fine with it at school, when she's at home and goes to the toilet she refuses to wipe her own arse and gets one of her parents to do it for her. She's perfectly capable and I am certain this isn't normal behaviour for a kid of her age, but if the mother will let her get away with it what can dad do? Every time he tries to use a sensible bit of discipline, like not letting her start to get out a noisy game when it's time for bed because it'll only get her more awake and excited, the stupid mother instead takes the side of the child and lets her get at least a compromise which is not neccessary when she'd have been happy I'm sure to go up to bed with maybe a few tantrum tears that could have been calmed easily enough without her getting her own way.

But the thing that bugs me most is that this woman is actually a backstabbing bitch, who I have to smile at. I don't want to make it harder on dad, but when my own sister says "Mummy said I'm not to do anything you tell me to cos you're only my sister so you can't tell me what to do"...........that was a result of, as my dad told me, when I very gently helped suggest she should go up to bed. Both parents were doing the same, I put in my good word of encouragement for her just to help make it easier and convince her nicely it was bedtime, but apparently that was a mistake. Dad doesn't think so, and argued with the stupid cow about it, but there you go. I can't even put in a single word of agreement. And I can't help out by doing some hoovering either, she won't do it but the other day she walked in the door and it was ok don't even finish the room you're doing, not a single word of thanks, just that she didn't want the noise. Fuck off lady I was doing you a favour, I don't see you doing anything. I see you leaving as soon as you're kid is asleep and going out all night. Or spending HOURS literally on the phone to anyone you possibly can.

I can't wait to move. I'll finally be away from every memory that haunts me in this town, like driving past my ex......and I won't have to put up a happy face to her. I used to like her, she used to be nice. But now she is just another manipulative bitch, and she's making my dad's life a complete misery and has for a long time. Much in the same way my ex used to with me. But all that will change. We'll be so much better off, me and him living together for a while. I can cook for him, take some of the pressure off....because either he'd cook for all of them, or she would cook for herself and my sis and not even offer him a thing so he'd have to clean up her mess then make his own.....ri-fucking-diculous. I want to help him chill out before he smokes himself to death like his father before him (heart disease)....19th June, we'll be starting the move. I cannot wait. Life can start again.

Phew. I think disaster has been averted. I actually feel calm and level headed again...well....almost....maybe I'll keep away from people a bit longer, just until the mask fits.

Jenivere Out.