BrainVomit - Cleaning out the Skeletons and Fresh Starts

My phone inbox has been filled up with old messages I haven't deleted for months. I went through and copied some of them on to a document then deleted them from my phone. I don't need them any more they mean nothing to me now. Well actually what they do mean is that I was right. The words themselves prove things that were argued strongly against me by somebody.

This person believe they weren't leading me on emotionally but well shall we review? “Can I sleep with you plz? I don't wanna sleep any other way. X” or maybe “Hehe. Wish had time spent together or had the internet...” or perhaps “Flattery will get you anywhere miss stunt :p” followed by “Hehe was just using the phrase :p but you know i'm yours already :)” because all of that is of course purely sexual so there's absolutely no emotional context behind that, nothing that would possibly lead a person to believe there was something there. And now a close friendship seems all but lost because they don't want to talk to me, personally I believe it's because they know they wrong. I'm letting go, clearing out the messages and listening to the very apt “The Noose” by A Perfect Circle... “I'm more than just a little curious how you plan to go about making your amends to the dead.” / “Your halo is slipping, your halo is slipping down to choke you now.”

But that was weeks ago, nay almost months ago now. That's a mistake I'm not going to hold on to or regret, I'm just going to learn from it. My heart wasn't broken because I hung on to it and didn't let it go. Sure I could have let myself fall but this time I held a rope, in some ways I was expecting it to end like that. Now I'm erasing the last bits of it so I'm not carrying my mistake with me. I feel lighter, like a weight is lifting. Ohhh an even more apt song, here's some lyrics for you. “I thought we had more, I thought we had more, or was there something I didn't know? You lied to me, you lied to me, you don't care if you're hurting me. // Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone out there at all?” Track change, something happy. Snow, RHCP, that'll do.

I'm feeling a lot more of the inner balance and stability that I know I should right now. I also feel like I'm smiling a lot even though I'm not on the outside there's definitely a smile in there somewhere! I guess I just don't feel quite as lonely now, I get very sad when I'm alone. Maybe over the years I've become too needy, maybe just too soft. My hard exterior will remain though but I think the people closest to me already know it's a bit of a face sometimes... Well, let's just keep living life and see what it brings me. Hopefully by the time I upload this it will bring me tidings of money, I hear my landlady wants to speak to me before.Wednesday which I assume is regarding rent and moving out days...mother also reminded me the 18^th is some family get together meal at her place for my stepdad's 60^th, and dad just rang to say we're having the internet installed this week hopefully, so it's all good!

Also just listening to Radiohead randomly, a band I know Dan quite likes, halfway through the song I get a message from him. Random, and awesome, and funny - “Had the funniest thing happen at work today, a bloke came in for sausages, and I said do you want to mix and match jumbo and licolnshire and he said “i'd have eaten what ever you gave me” I so nearly snoogan'd but stopped myself lol” I could only reply with “Haha! Nicely done! So you have many sausages at work, of different, some of which are jumbo, and people go there to get some? Snoogans! :D” ...I should explain that “snoogans” is a phrase from Jay and Silent Bob, which we are using to replace the now overused “giggity” whenever something is sexual innuendo. Ho hum! Funny :) I laughed, out loud indeed.

~~~~~~~~ Though of the Day ~~~~~~~~

Sometimes you need to let go of things even if you're not holding on to them in the first place. A clean page is the best place to write a story, you can't expect a happy ending when words are already smudged and erased.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Waiting, Balance, Change, and an Epic Night Again

~~~~~~~~~ Friday 11:50pm – Waiting ~~~~~~~~~~

I've been assured several times the DHIBBS crew are on their way but it's nearly midnight and they're still not here. I don't blame them, I mean they were at Bryanston having a good time and I'm just stuck out here with no fuel and no money for fuel because, just when I thought I'd been paid my JSA and all was well it turns out I have nothing. Again.

I'm grateful they're still driving all the way out here to come get me, would have been nice if it was earlier I'm worried there's so little of the weekend left now but I guess I can just relax for now, listening to The Cure, and be patient.

I've realised that right now my life lacks an essential thing – balance. I'm so all over the place I just have no stability. I guess I didn't really need cards to tell me that but they certainly helped give me a little bit of clarity. Yes, reader, I am getting back in touch with my spiritual side. I found I can to a small degree share telepathy with a tiny minority of people. There's a few people I can be sat near and just pick up on specific thoughts, like they're going to meet someone at such a place and such a time is one example from when I was 16. I closed off for a few years, seeing as -someone- disapproved, but it's ok now I can just open up and let loose. The other day in the pub some likeminded people were around and I managed to transmit a strong image of the colour bright blue, like lightning, to one of them without her realising it. Well she was trying to aura read, and I just focused and looked into her eyes until a minute of silence later she said she saw a bright blue line horizontally between us. Strange, no?

I wish they would hurry up, but when Dan rang he did say the plan was still on. He actually had the nerve to tell me to stay awake! I replied “Dude, you're telling ME to stay awake?!” and apparently the exact same moment Marcus standing next to him said “You're telling JEN to stay awake?!” - giggles! They know me too well already! I'm taking Minx's advice and relaxing, just calming the feck down because I move too fast sometimes. I guess that's just the way I am and it's hard to change, but one should never stop trying to better oneself, no?

I want to be in the sea right now, diving underneath the waves until I can feel the sand of the depths in my fingers.Being underwater is so liberating, so free, so peaceful but invigorating. If I couldn't go to the sea I would probably go mad. I'll never live inland it's not right, I am lost without the soothing feel of water enveloping me, lifting me, making me weightless and almost powerless in the tides. Maybe I should have been born a fish?

Oh hurry up guys I'm getting bored sat here! If I didn't know you were on your way for the last few hours but then found out you got caught up with the others in Blannie I wouldn't be half as bored, but it's because I'm clockwatching and looking out the window I'm getting a little impatient. Must...learn....to....relax!!!

~~~~~~~~~ Sunday – Coming Down Again ~~~~~~~~~~

Wow. Well just after I wrote the last bit of that a car pulled up and Dan and Marcus were outside my window. That's where the night began. We headed off to Lulworth, or at least that was the plan but at 1am in the darkness we spent a very long time driving around in circles, through army firing ranges that had signs everywhere just saying “Sudden Gunfire”. Comforting, then we saw tanks, thankfully not active and almost hit a deer before we finally reached Lulworth....to discover the tide was in and there was nowhere to go.

A short while later we were just down the coast at Durdle Door, walking down to the cliffs with a tent, and a case of beer amongst other things. Later the guys went up to get a tent and some sleeping bags, I really should have taken mine with me our feet got very cold! We picked a spot on the cliffs (as seen below in morning, we arrived in pitch black darkness and did not know where the edge was so stuck sensibly close to the path), and first of all just laid out our coats and had a pint. When the tent and sleeping bags got brought down I was already pished from the few I'd had already, so I opted out of helping Zac put up his tent other than to look at it and declare “you're doing it all wrong dude”. Instead, me, Dan and Marcus shared one sleeping bag spread on the ground with another over the top of us.

It was fairly windy but we sat up talking, while Zac went to sleep in the tent. Dan was in the middle, and me and Marcus were huddling up to him for warmth. It ended up just being me huddled up to him after some tickling took place with both of us. Marcus eventually went to sleep, which he has since denied, and it was left just the 2 of us talking as usual. We were sharing wine, and to be fair Marcus was on and off sleeping I guess so we weren't really alone but we were so warm and relaxed, well it was just so nice.

Come morning, Marcus went to the tent and Zac came out, we sat a while the 3 of us still talking, then when Marcus was up we had some kettle chips which passed as breakfast at 7am. After that, Dan and I made some excuses about wanting to go for a wander when the others wanted to rest a bit longer and headed up to the cliffs. He took my hand as we went up and it felt somehow....natural. We stopped at one point and lay in the grass for a while, talking and chilling, then walked on a bit further to the top and did the same again.

We didn't kiss, and I'm almost glad because I really don't want to rush headlong at my usual 100mph pace and screw up, and besides dry mouth from drinking is never good first thing in the morning. Maybe I should have, but all is well. I'm back to my usual shy self despite this recent confidence, I'm sorry to report the confident, grabbing life by the balls Jenivere is just as nervous when it comes to this kind of thing. It seems he's just as awkward, or just such a gentleman or so laid back it didn't matter. Either way...that's how it is for now. Maybe when I see him next....time will tell dear reader, time will tell all.

Well after we packed up and left Durdle Door, we went back to my place in Poole and played a few games of Worms, despite the plan to watch a film! It was greatly enjoyed by all apart from Zac who was on and off sleeping. He never seems to really enjoy or get in to the Sunday afternoons with DHIBBS. It was a short one today though because Dan's cousin's kid's christening was at 3pm so he had to go and look smart for that. All the time we'd been there the 3 guys crammed on my bed and I had the chair, so when they were leaving Dan hung back last and we had a really long hug, complete with mutterings about the weekend being super amazing awesome epic win. That was an hour ago and I'm still smiling. He text me a short while ago “Gone from looking like alex mercer to a shirt and smart trousers. The worm mercs will get the epic win next time!! X” which made me smile more. Bless me I think I'm starting to relax a bit.

Thing is I'm still paranoid about not being liked, given what my ex said and a recent occurence too doing nothing to dispel that fear it's difficult, but I have to remind myself to slow back down to earth pace again, not travelling at the speed of Jen. Listening to some chill music now which is helping but it's also making me sleepy! Oh dear! Fail!

I hope my money properly clears tomorrow, then I'm free to go to Blandford and go pub with the gang, and same again Tuesday, then I can stay at Dan's til Wednesday or he said maybe Thursday as he's working a late then. Ho hum we shall see, if not he can stay here I guess, but he has to get here and back which is more of a problem.

~~~~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~~~

Happiness can be found in the most unexpected of places, if you have to look you won't find it.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Calm Before the Storm

So it's noon on Saturday, and what am I up to? Sod all! I'm just looking at packing up the PS3 and moving it to the new house to set it up with the big tv ready for gaming weekends, though I have no internet there still so it'll have to go without updates or PSN store for a while :( sadface. This is not so good.

Well I'm procrastinating a bit today I admit, I stayed in bed doing facebook quizzes and listening to some chill music for a while but now it really is time to get it packed up, go to Poole home, have a bath and prepare supplies for tonight. I'll be getting a nice bottle of red wine, a not so nice bottle of cheap cider, and some energy drink. That'll do nicely. Then I'll pack supplies that may come in handy and put some music on my camera so we can listen on the beach - win!

I'm just really looking forward to going out again, a little bit excited one could say. Maybe I've decided I really enjoy the company a lot and would like to see more of said company because I like smiling and I do it a lot around some people so...yes...indeed. This is the calm before the storm. Set sail, friends, this is a whole new adventure!

~~~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~~~

Take me back to where there is peace,
Somewhere between the moon and the sea.
Take me where I'm finally home,
Somewhere I am never alone.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Sleeping is a Sin and Another few days to shock and amaze...

~~~~~~~~Wednesday Morning - Wake Up Calls~~~~~~~~~~

I'm adding another sin to the 7 deadlys. Sleep. It's irritating when I can't sleep and everyone always sleeps far longer than I ever will. Last night, we roll on in at 4am, and end up laying around absolutely shitfaced drunk listening to chillout music. I agreed to 5 minutes of sleep – 5 MINUTES! 5HOURS later and the sod can't even be bothered to get up. Boredface. I'm sat on the floor playing Europe on my laptop and writing this because I have fuck all better to do.

So last night then. What happened? Well I can tell you one thing, the truth of the matter is nothing like how all the rumours are going to be. Humanity has a need to gossip and a general inability to accept that 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends and hang out without something else going on. It really does irritate me! It's not like I'm ruling anything out I just don't want other people involved saying “oh you guys should get together” it just complicates a perfectly reasonable friendship.

I guess it doesn't help that I've all of a sudden started hanging out at the pub and talking to Dan a lot but I talk just as much to anyone who is interesting. It's normal ok?! Just as normal as hanging out every weekend and some weekdays too. Or staying overnight. Or walking down the beach when everyone else is asleep or boring. Ok so it's normal in my world damnit!

I think I probably said too much last night but in my defense I was drunk and had things on my mind so the things then ejected from my mind because I hadn't had a good old BrainVomit beforehand. Basically, to take away the vaguery I'm drifting into now I think I should explain the happenings of last night.

Plan formed to go to pub, then plan changed to include parking bike at Dan's then walking to pub, getting pissed and then staying over afterwards. It ended up that we were on the beach again with the crew (minus one, there was a replacement instead). The other 2 got pretty cosy as soon as we sat down so we decided to head on up the beach and found a space to sit on a grassy knoll. Different grassy knoll to the one we were looking for snipers on at the weekend, for some reason that one seemed to have disappeared. We sat, we drank more booze, we talked a heck of a lot about a lot of things and during the course of that I realised that conversation was now taking a more serious turn than just gaming and the usual crap. So conversations were had, and eventually the others got bored and found us and we went home, crashed out on bed drunk and listened to music before sleep occurred. And absolutely nothing else. Ok? Is that cool with you reader? Because I know as soon as we get to pub later rumours will already be in circulation.

I will probably document the happenings of the rest of today at some point then stick it all online the next time I get to the park. I really hope that it will just be a day of chill and relaxation, we're off to some shopping centre with Dan's sister so should be giggles? I don't know to be honest I think I'm losing track of all thoughts now so I give up and instead shall get on to the important business of waking the lazy bastard up. Wish me luck!

~~~~~~~~~Thursday - The Good, The Bad, and The Broke~~~~~~~~~~

Alright, so it's Thursday now and I've just got home. Well I've had a bath so I've been home a short while. Wow. What a day. When we eventually went out yesterday we just went to Poole for a couple of hours, it was nice I guess but a sodding bird took a huge crap on my hat, and another on my coat. Not impressed! There's not really anything much to mention from the town, we wandered, we saw people, people stood talking for an hour about other people and I zoned out to my happy place with the music from the magic roundabout on a loop in my head with thoughts of running around in a cardboard box, Snake style. Well it sure as hell beats getting involved in petty social politics!

So the afternoon. We went back to Dan's again and crashed out playing Smash Bros for a few hours. It seems to have become a habit thing of after going places Super Smash Bros is a plan made of win. Ok, so I'd rather be playing awesome games on decent consoles but it's a laugh and doesn't take too much concentration so it's all good.

A few few rounds later the console was taking too much concentration so instead we ended up just laying back listening to chilled music and talking. Plan was to probably head to the pub at some point, and it ended up that Zac rang about 9pm when we were undecided and offered us a lift so the decision was made anyway.

I find it so strange how much we have in common, and how we can actually keep talking for hours on end, well even days on end when you think about it, and not get bored of each others company. I feel like we've been friends for a while now, though we have only really known each other well for the last couple of weeks thanks to the DHIBBS crew that started one spontaneous Saturday night at the pub. I love just how crazy life is, I feel like a whirlwind, a little tornado gaining speed but with no real direction, just drifting where life takes me and picking things up on my way. I feel happy, like I'm heading somewhere but I'm flying blind in the middle of crazy winds pulling me one way then the other, but I don't care because I trust wherever it goes is the right way. I make no sense any more.

Anyway back to last night, Zac eventually turned up closer to 10pm so we reluctantly headed out. I say reluctantly, I was up for getting some fresh air and walking a bit but at the same time I was just so comfortable laying there looking up at the sky out the window, talking and laughing as if we'd known each other for years. Laughing like kids, because Dan's ticklish and unfortunately found out I am too, so there was a bit of that while listening to music. I'm grateful for being able to relax like that because earlier in the day I'd been getting more and more stressed about what I'm preparing to do now – picking up my stuff from Dean's house. I don't want to go and it has been getting to me that I may just walk out with nothing because his dad is too spineless to stand up to him for what's fair.

So anyway, without being distracted much more and going off on a tangent, we went to the pub. Everyone was outside in the garden, so we joined on the benches and I met a new person I hadn't before. Zac left early, I think he had things on his mind quite possibly to do with this April chick we were hanging out with on the beach but as I don't know for sure I'll keep right out of it. It also seemed like he wasn't in the mood to be hanging with us because he barely said a word to anyone. It seems like one of those things he needs to work through himself.

We all had a good laugh and when it was time to go the others were talking about going off to the Milldown to keep drinking and mish about. Considering we'd made plans to go out the following night (now later tonight) to the club with some others, we weren't too bothered with it. So we walk back to his again and stand outside his door deciding if I'm going home or not. Decision was made that I didn't feel like driving in the dark, so we went in and watched tv on the sofa for a while.

My social ineptitude resurfaced when we were trying to work out where I was going to spend the night. There's a spare room with kids beds but I still had a few things on my mind about picking up the stuff and so didn't really want to be alone with my thoughts, and didn't want the conversation to end just yet either. A few confusions later it was agreed I'd take the side by the window and just crash on top of the quilt and he'd get under it when he was done talking and wanted to sleep. Well we ended up listening to very quiet chilled music and talking for a good couple of hours before he eventually went to sleep. I did keep telling him he had work today and that he needed to sleep so I claim no responsibility for how tired he looked when we got up this morning!

Alarm went off at 9am, as usual I'd been awake since 8am, the cat had climbed in through the window overnight so I was watching her as she mewed at the birds and stroking her when she curled up on my lap. Dan stopped falling asleep again at about 10ish, and his sister Claire had arrived so she made him coffee and shouted up saying it was getting cold. We went down, he had coffee and a smoke then said he'd be “back in 2minutes”. I talked to Claire for a good half hour at least before he reappeared. Bless. She's lovely by the way, I quite enjoyed just sitting there in the kitchen chatting with her which is good because there's not many girls I can talk to for an extended period of time without getting bored. Maybe I'm just in a really good state of mind right now.

So we talked a bit longer until it was time for Dan to go to work, Claire gave him a lift and I headed out home. I had a nice long bath when I got in and have since been sat listening to music and writing this. I'm now waiting for dad to get back so we can go and collect everything from Dean's place. When we are in and unloaded again I'll be getting changed at lightspeed and going out to the club. Not sure how I'm getting home but I'll work something out when I'm there. Claire's driving up with Dan and others sometime after 10pm, and I'm sure some other people said they were up for going but if not I'll rock out alone and have a few drinks because I'm not sodding driving anywhere!

I'm just going to rewind now and take a moment to think over some of the things in my mind. I mean it just seems so weird how I met Dan ages ago and we have briefly spoken a few times but suddenly just realised how similar we are in a lot of ways. Like he said at some point last night – how the hell did we not hang out before?! Sense of humour, so similar, music taste uncanny, and just this ability to sit and talk without getting bored. Another thing he said last night was that he likes hanging out with me because I'm not like the rest of them, like the incident with the swimming which I thought was probably a bad idea but I'd do it again in a heartbeat because life is for living. I think he's probably more likely to put up with or agree with my crazy schemes, I guess that's a good thing! You know it's scary, I was actually talking so openly to the guy like I trust him no matter what I say – something is definitely wrong in my head there! But then it worked both ways, we talked a lot about things you wouldn't necessarily sit there and talk about in the pub with anyone. What am I really saying? Am I getting far too close far too quickly? Who can stop a tornado when it starts to blow, and who says that being close means anything more than friendship? Oh dear, I'm overthinking 2 crazy weeks. Let's just get tonight over with, get my belongings back and take it from there. I'm not sure when I'll upload this so I'll just have to wait and see. Maybe there'll be more to add by then. For now, dear reader, farewell.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Friday - Freaks, Fuckups and Fail~~~~~~~~~

Well another day done, and where am I now? Sat at home watching Top Gear with the sound off and thinking over the last evening. Got a chilled selection of music on for now, the very song playing now is an instrumental version of House of the Rising Sun, I'm trying too hard to relax in the face of the new stresses that have appeared.

Last night. I suppose that's a gap that needs to be filled. Well I got most of my stuff back from the ex's place. I didn't even have to see him let alone speak to him so I guess that can only be a good thing, and I highly doubt he'll be wanting to contact me since I took the TV. Yes I did get it, but nothing else. Thousands of pounds worth of things that I bought, all his now. Ridiculous. Even more ridiculous when you think that when I got a lot of them it was through him pressuring me to and often left me exceptionally stressed from having absolutely no money and barely affording fuel to get to and from work. Insane.

We got back around 9pm and unloaded the car and trailer, so by the time I left for the club it was gone 10pm. I ended up driving because I couldn't get a lift there and figured it can't hurt if I don't drink for the night I can have a few cokes and some fun. Well I forgot when I left that I do not know my way around Bournemouth so I took an extremely long scenic route. I wasn't lost, I just misplaced my destination.I pulled up at the petrol station to take out a few quid from the hole in the wall to get in to the club and maybe a couple of drinks. Damn thing was broken so I went inside to get cashback instead. To my horror it as declined, twice. I'd been to Tesco earlier, used card, and got a couple of things. So I knew the money was there and there's nothing wrong with the card, I just couldn't get to it. Just then Luke walked by, who was going up in Claire's car so I double checked who he'd come with to see if they were still in the carpark. I told him the cashpoint was broken and he headed off to another one but not before he offered to pay for my entry to the club. Bless. It's good to know friendly people. I drove around to park the vehicle and locked it up just as he came back so he paid for us both and I went in to crash on the sofa with my thoughts.

I danced to a few songs that night but nothing like I normally would. Just when I thought things were going perfectly they screwed up once again. I thought, great, I have my stuff with minimal trouble and I have been paid my JSA today so I can just relax and not worry about buying a couple of cokes or whatever, but no. No, life can't be that simple, now I have no money at all for the next 2 weeks. That means no fuel to go and see people, no fuel to go to the coucil and ask where the hell my housing benefit money is. No sodding fuel to go back to my place in Gillingham and pick up my stuff so I can move out. Fucking.....insane.

I couldn't clear it out of my head. 2 weeks with no money is not very easy at all.Especially seeing as I want to do nothing more tonight than go back to Blandford and go hang out in the pub, and Saturday I want to go and collect my PS3 and some more clothes then I can chill back in Poole, and go out with the DHIBBS crew for the rest of the weekend. I wanted to enjoy myself last night but it was so difficult to get in the mood with all that hanging over my head.

But then, I did enjoy myself more, especially as the night went on a little later. When I'm stressed and sober I often forget just how to let my hair down, I just need a bit of time to remember that I can let it go and dance my life away. Shame the music got a bit shit, we ended up crashed out on the sofas though so I guess that's no great loss. The only thing not so good about that is it's useless for conversation with the music so loud. Oh well. Nothing more really to say about the night except when going to leave it turned out we were in the same car park, but at opposite ends. Claire and the others walked over to their car but Dan followed me over to the bike while I sorted it out, and by the time I left had about 5 hugs goodbye. Of course, I'm not complaining but if I hadn't put my helmet on and started the engine I never would have been able to leave!

Ho hum. That's the end of that little bit of win anyway I won't be around for the next couple of weeks. I doubt money will magically appear to buy fuel so I'll just give up and go back to gaming, it makes a lot more sense than trying to understand humanity anyway. I'll miss it, the last couple of weeks have overall been quite incredible. But the wind is dying now, the air is still and I'm once again left alone in the wasteland looking at the wreckage of a thousand broken hopes and dreams. Maybe it's time I wrote some music or lyrics later, that would make me feel a little better perhaps. Anyway it's off to the park to upload this now. Farewell, dear reader, may you have more luck than I.

~~~~~~~~ Thought of the Days ~~~~~~~~

Some things you should not search for but let them find you. Do not reach for them but when they come close don't let them leave or you may regret it for the rest of your days.

Maybe I'm daydreaming a bit, that doesn't make much sense even to me but it was in my head and now it's not, so take it as you will and however you interpret it, whatever it makes you think or feel is entirely your own.

Jenivere out.

BrainVomit – Unleashing the Inner Beast and Living for the Day.

So that weekend, pretty wild, no? Well I've been thinking. I know, thinking is a dangerous thing I shouldn't do it that often or I risk injury but it's still wet out and I'm not able to go and sort out my online stuff until it's a bit less rainy. Anyway where was I? Oh yes the thinking. Well I've been a rather boring person over the last few years, being with the ex really didn't help with that. Now I have my freedom I'm really starting to live on impulse.

Yesterday, was bored, went to Blandford went to pub and was significantly less bored. I was even offered a place to crash overnight but I knew I had things to do today so I declined. So today I did what I needed to do first thing when it was all nice and sunny, I spent an hour writing an email with everything in that I remember jointly owning and what I would like to claim back from that.

Then I decided, on such a nice day, to go beachwards. By the time I sorted my stuff out and was ready to leave it was starting to raining. Well, what's a bit of rain when you're going for a swim, right? Well by the time I got there it was practically a downpour and I was absolutely soaked to the bones. Fantastic thought I, and dropped my stuff on the beach then kicked off my shoes and swam fully clothed. A few times to the buoys and back and I ditched the jeans on the beach and went back for more.

After a while I came home, made a cuppa, and here I am contemplating the fact that apparently I don't have to be drunk to leap into the sea fully clothed. Now I'm waiting to be able to go to the park and get that email sent then head back home and cook dad some dinner. Plan after that is to head back pubwards again. I'll take the offer of a place to crash tonight I think, as Dan's invited me to join him and his sister going somewhere (I forget where) tomorrow, so sure, why not, right? Sounds like a plan to me.

Spontaneity, it's really how I want to be right now. I don't want to keep just existing, I want to start living, and I mean really living life for what it is. Life is an opportunity, I mean every day is an opportunity to get out there and do something. So why not make it positive? Take some time to do whatever you want to do, no matter how crazy it may seem if it makes you happy and nobody gets hurt there's no reason why not! Then of course sometimes it's better to do something for someone else. Like I fully intend to do a bit of cleaning when I'm warmed up a bit before I head to the park, and will be cooking some dinner for dad tonight.

See the way to make living life rewarding is not to live just for yourself, neither is it to live solely for others. Selflessness is an ideal but the problem with it is if you don't take some time to yourself and make yourself happy too then you will quickly find you're no good for helping anyone else at all. Gosh I'm thinking a bit deep now!

Well this week will bring plenty more blog action, from the events of thursday evening when I hope to be collecting the last of my belongings from my ex's house to Thursday night when I'm planning on going to the club with or without anyone else, or the weekend which is turning in to a plan for DHIBBS to join up with more folks to head out beaching Saturday night and Sunday. I pledge to take some photos of the results this time! Well, I'll try at least...

It stopped raining but I just opened my eyes and half an hour has disappeard. Bollocks! I hate when that happens! I shall go and get this uploaded then return to cook and clean before I head on out for the next couple of days.

Life is becoming a lot more fun now I'm just relaxing and not taking things as seriously. I realise now how I was beginning to take things far too seriously, letting everything affect me far too deeply and applying meaning where obviously there was none to anyone but me. Like a fool I became too emotionally involved in the things around me. Now, a few weeks older and yet a few weeks wiser I know not to let the same mistakes happen, and not to let those mistakes weigh on my mind.

Well here's a thought for the day. It's an interesting one and I really hope it makes you dear reader ponder it for a moment.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes we talk so much, and yet we say so little. Do we speak to be heard or simply to share our voice with someone who shares our mind?

BrainVomit – Moving House

So I still haven't been paid the housing benefit for LAST MONTH let alone this one but it's time to move. I just been thinking about how it is going to be living here and thought I'd write some of it for a short while. I mean look at it this way. Dad's now a single guy living alone after a long time of long term partner and young kid around. Though my lil sis will be around sometimes like some weekends, it's not going to be the same. It's not going ot be like living with family at all, looking at our fridge it's more like a bachelor pad or student house! Ok there's salad in the bottom but one shelf is taken up with booze and cola, the rest is milk, half a block of half wrapped cheese, a partbake baguette, bacon, raw chicken breasts in a freezerbag, and butter of some form. Epic win!

I think I'm going to like it, seeing as I live a lot more like a guy probably would anyway it suits me perfectly that this is all studenty/bachelor style. The other thing is we are both fairly tidy/clean especially in the kitchen now which is something that always bugs me. I always used to be quite a messy person until I lived on my own, and now well my room has a great big window on to the road so I doubt it'll be messy. So it's really just like all the best bits of student living without the mess everywhere. Sure there's a couple empty beer/cider cans about sometime, but that's no biggy.

It's also so much better living with parents when older, because my dad is easygoing and respects what I want to do. Possibly too much seeing as he said the spare room will have a double bed and when my sis isn't staying I can have mates over, or use it myself if I bring someone home! It's just not something you want to hear from a parent! Haha! He wasn't phased at all when I stopped by and picked up some booze at 10pm Saturday night then didn't come home til that time the following day and crashed on the sofa. He just looked over and said there's curry in a saucepan or bacon in the fridge if I want something to eat. Fucking classic :) I did the clothes washing today, mainly because mine were full of sand, and I'll go to the park and do the necessary then might end up cooking for us tonight. Life's going to be easier for both of us, I really can't wait til I'm all moved in properly.

I'm so much closer to friends, get to spend time with family without it being like my mother. Living at hers for a few weeks was fairly chilled but it was more expected to go have whatever she cooked for dinner and spend time after talking with them, not always what you want to do. And if I went out then I'd have had to be in by 11pm ish latest so I didn't wake them up. Here I said to dad Saturday I'll be over some point to pick up booze, may not be til the early hours though, and he literally said sure just don't let the cats out. Win! We have the bigscreen tv, a sofa each, and he just go a new cd player which can plug into tv/dvd player for epic sound. Even more win!

Anyway I'll stop rambling now, I still have things to do like sending off that Uni application! But soon, so soon, I'll be here properly, going to Uni, gaming in my room with friends, relaxing and watching comedy and home cooked food.... Bring on the good life I'm ready to chill!

~~~~~~~~ Final Thought ~~~~~~~~

Life is more beautiful when the sun is shining.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit – Volunteering, DHIBs and the Second Epic Weekender

This one is probably best logged by my vague recollection of what time things happened, rather than splitting the 2 days. It's been one heck of a time though and I'm writing now from my bed, tired and worn out from all the excitement! [edit] I fell asleep after writing one paragraph. Woops. Time to finish now then.

~~~~~~~~~ Saturday 6am – Snooze! ~~~~~~~~~

My alarm went off on time, and after a fairly good night's sleep for once I woke to my alarm at 6am and promptly hit snooze until I realized I needed to shower asap. I managed to be just about ready to be picked up at 7:15am for the lift. I was half asleep, had no breakfast, and was ready to face the day in my t-shirt and smart-ish skirt.

Once a year there's a reunion for ex patients, staff and their families at Clouds House, a drug and alcohol rehabilitation centre run by the Action on Addiction/Clouds charity. For the last 6 years, bar one year I missed because Dean didn't want me to go, I've been there running the drinks stands. We have 2 stands, one at the bottom open for half a day and the other at the top near where guests register. My job every year has been to get the supplies up and set up the 2 stalls, run the top/main one for the day then pack down again. It's a job I really love because the atmosphere is always incredible, people still come back over 20years after they were treated, there's speeches in the afternoon from ex patients about how Clouds changed their lives as well as various other talks there. I haven't actually been to the speeches before, maybe next year I'll find someone to cover for me and go listen.

So anyway, one heck of a long day later I'm boiling hot and shattered from being on my feet all day in the sun with 3 giant urns of boiling water behind me.We packed up fairly quickly this year and managed to get away into the sunshine with the roof of the car down earlier than we have a few previous years. I'm already booked to go back next year – and I'm happy to do it. It may only be one day but it's a feeling of satisfaction knowing we got the job done and just helped it to all run smoothly and enjoyably for the guests.

~~~~~~~~~ Saturday 6pm – Crash! ~~~~~~~~~

12 hours after the alarm went off I'm frantically throwing clothes into the dryer and telling them to “get dry fast or else”. The original plan was to meet in Poole at about 9pm or thereafter to go to Bournemouth to the club, or I'd go to the club for 9 and meet the guys there. Thankfully I had a call from Dan to say just meet at the pub at 9pm and we'd see how we were going to work it from there. I crashed onto the bed and put my feet up as soon as the phone was down – knackered, hot, and in need of some relaxation before the night could start!

~~~~~~~~~ Saturday 8:30pm – DHIBs in the pub, awaiting further instructions ~~~~~~~~~

I left at 8pm with plenty of time to get fuel before leaving, and rolled up outside the pub at half past just in time to see Marcus parking his moped by the door. We went in and to my surprise nobody else was there, we figured most of them were probably in Bournemouth already so I got myself a nice cold pint of cider to start the evening and crashed on to the comfy padded seat in the corner to await the rest of the crew. Chris arrived for a while and despite our best efforts could not be convinced to come along with us. Shame, we always end up rocking out at the club to some kind of epic tuneage.

After a bit more time had passed Zac arrived, shortly followed by Dan who bought a round for us. 2^nd pint was going nice and slowly until we decided it was time to go and the last 2/3 had to be downed. Cider is all well and good, especially Stowford Press as it's a good Dorset favourite of mine, but downing it is never easy when I'm not used to drinking that much liquid in one go anyway! Still, we headed out, dragging the 17yr old Marcus with us after convincing him he was 19 and would not need ID to get in to the club. Plan was if he didn't get in, we'd go elsewhere.

In the car we decided the 4 of us are a good weekend crew, and were promptly named DHIB (I think if I remember rightly) which stands for the Drunken High Insomniacs of Blandford. Brilliant! Much talk and driving later with some good music along the way, and a brief stop at my place to pick up booze, we arrived at Sound Circus ready to rock out.

~~~~~~~~~ Saturday somewhere near 10 or 11pm – Sound Circus, Indiana Jen and a swine with a water pistol ~~~~~~~~~

We arrived late and had to pay, despite my meagre efforts towards an Indiana Jones costume – seeing as it's how I normally dress anyway I dubbed myself Indiana Jen instead. When I saw Lay she gave me the bullwhip she'd promised to loan me for the costume for the night which was immediately good fun. Her boyfriend Nick was pissing everyone off with a water pistol so at various points in the next few hours he was whipped by me and some other dude who seemed to enjoy it maybe a little too much. I even chased him around near the bar after he filled it with coke and squirted me. Swine!

As for other costumes I should mention, Wez had made a good effort as The Joker and Lucy had gone for a female Superman costume which looked awesome on her, and the others had various costumes half of which I was too drunk to notice. I'll find some pics when I get online to put on here.

Me and Josh //Lotty // Wez // Lucy // Colleen and her new guy Rich who did a much better Indy than me // Nick // Lay // Awesome Dude - I went up to this guy and hugged him saying "awesome you're a stormtrooper" then realised right after I was stupid and wrong he's obviously a Scout Trooper. I kicked myself hard for that mistake. Amateur geekery ftl!

We danced to a few tracks and I had several more drinks, among the people we came across were Josh and Lotty who did plan for a while to beach with us but decided they'd rather get pissed and walk home – fair play to them! Zac didn't stay inside long, and though we were worried when we went outside his car was still there, complete with our stuff, and him sleeping inside. I don't think he really likes the club which is a shame because I absolutely love it up there and always have a great time. I haven't been online since so I'm sure I'll find the pictures taken both inside where I got my free drink or outside where I was whipping some guys ass. I was drunk, so I think this can be excused. It also started with me teaching some other girl how it should be done, then this dude seemed to enjoy it and I was in hysterics with laughter too so it's all good, right?

My last drink, which was probably the worst plan in the world, was a cocktail known as “A Shit in the Woods”. I got one for me and Marcus seeing as he wasn't drunk enough by my standards and had no money to buy his own. Dan paid for me to get in so I figured I had a few extra pennies and couldn't find him to repay the favour – his loss! So anyway the Shit in the Woods was basically Southern comfort and WKD blue in a pint glass topped up with coke. Fucking hell was it bad! I mean really potent stuff! By the time I'd had most of it I passed the last quarter to a drunken Lotty who was happy to take it off my hands. Didn't look right her drinking that crap while she was dressed as Audrey Hepburn but hey, she was with Josh and I don't know what the hell he was supposed to be but he looked like a badly facepainted clown in pyjamas. Kind of pulled the classiness of Lotty's pretty long dress and fur/faux fur shoulder thingy.

~~~~~~~~~ Saturday/Sunday 1am – DHIBs ride on, and why wine is a bad plan ~~~~~~~~~

We decided we were hungry and headed off to Maccy D's all night drive thru. I do not remember what the hell it was I had but I only ate the burger part of it, and it tasted vaguely edible. I was really rather trashed and food in afterthought may not have been the best plan with the events later. But still it was good at the time. We drove around for a while deciding where to go and wondering about Studland until someone made the choice to just head back to Sandbanks where we knew we enjoyed it.

We got there and parked up, leaving Marcus in the car to sleep and went down on to the beach. I opened the red wine rather than the cider and shared it with Dan on the bench while Zac went for a long walk. Not sure what's up with him but something seems wrong – if I knew the guy I'd ask but I don't and I'm not trained in mental health yet so maybe I'd best leave people to their own devices. Helping sometimes seems to have the opposite effect. When he came back he crashed down on the sand and we joined, sat comfy in the dry.

Now, I have a problem. I'm not a guy, I have more dignity than to just piss out in public. But the real problem was all the public loos were closed and I was being left with little choice left. Being completely and utterly drunk I made the decision it would keep more dignity to run into the sea instead. Bad move! Damn that wine! It didn't feel cold and I was fully clothed anyway, except my shoes which I remembered to kick off first, and swam out to the yellow blobs fencing off the swimming area and back again, taking a pause when well out to sea to relieve my dignity. I was drunk, that's my excuse, and I'm sticking with it.

When I got back on to the beach I didn't feel cold but apparently had turned a funny shade of blue. I'd swallowed a fair bit of sea water and was a tiny bit sick 3 or 4 times on the sand. I actually still felt sick a lot of the next day which turned out to be the result of incorrectly puking, most of it had become lodged in the cavity between my nose and throat and I didn't realise til I took a deep breath later in the day and discreetly swallowed what must have been at least half the burger again. What can I say? It was the first time I've ever been sick from booze, and was fairly lucky I didn't choke or anything. Dan kept insisting I get up and go change, but I was stubborn for a while and wanted to stay sat. I don't want to get that drunk again I'll stop before that. I was, as I said, not feeling cold at all but had changed colour to something in a pale white and blue.

I wandered up the beach with my bag until I found one of the cold showers, which felt warm again, and washed the sand out of my hair and clothes before finding somewhere discreet to change into something dry. When we got back to the starting point Zac was fast asleep on the sand and we decided to take a walk instead, probably a better idea for sobering me up. We went as far as a grassy knoll, which didn't have any snipers on, and stopped on the rocks so Dan could roll a cigarette. Filthy smokers! We wandered back up the beach where I had to change tshirt again because the previous one had just got wet from my hair and was making me cold again. Once that mission was accomplished we sat on the beach again a bit longer talking and waiting for our driver to wake up, then all went back to the car to wake Marcus up and move on.

~~~~~~~~~ Sunday 6am – To the garage! To the market! To the....wherever... ~~~~~~~~~

The garage we'd been to the week before seemed like the best plan to head out to and get coffee/breakfast. I went for a bacon roll and bought some pastry thing for later, while the guys did similar and had coffee to wake up/stay awake. Plans were made and again Studland beach was mentioned and I think we drove a bit that way but didn't end up there. We went to Wimborne market instead and bought a couple of DVDs then looked at the games stalls and a place so full of Star Wars models etc I proclaimed I wished to be buried there when I died. We spent a good time there before moving on to Tesco to see what was around and pick up a few things. I bought the cheapest possible lemonade with the last of my pennies to wash away the remains of the illness mentioned earlier...

After that there was more talking and deciding until we ended up going back to Wimborne town to see if the camping shop was open. From the back Marcus and I tried to point out that it's Sunday and they wouldn't be open especially not in a quietish strange little backwards town like Wimborne, and when we were proven right the plan changed to return to the market then go back to Blandford. I really didn't care as long as I could sit down a while and drink some lemonade, even if it did taste like cheap carbonated water with a few drops of juice squeezed from a plastic lemon.

~~~~~~~~~ Sunday ??am ish? - Back to Blannie ~~~~~~~~~

So we went back, Marcus and I picked up our vehicles from their resting place at the pub and thanked various entities for finding them in one piece still just as we'd left them. We met back at Dan's like the weekend before and played a few rounds of Smash Bros on the Wii. Worry not fair reader have not turned to the dark side. Not only did I use Solid Snake 90% of the time, and woo for his nikita missile move, I also tried time and time again to convince of the wonders of the PS3. There was a 360 there, so it was a step up, but it only had one controller. No good for 3 tired gamers without an epic pass the pad game like Worms, which is available on the PSN I should mention so there.

After a while we were all too unfocused (brain ungood) and moved on to watching The Big Lebowski. It's a film which I think is probably best appreciated when stoned and or drunk, but funny nonetheless. It was vaguely enjoyed by all until the end where Dan then went on a huge rant about how it doesn't conclude anything and leaves the entire story open and unfinished. Oh well. The second film was chosen as DeathProof, which looked to be a male equivalent of a chickflick but actually turned out to be a chick flick in disguise. It got so boring we skipped through loads of the talking bits and missed nothing of the plot! How long do you want to spend listening to a group of only-vaguely-attractive women talk about fuck all in a car, then a coffee shop, then a car again before there's any action! The car chases were fairly good but the plot was an absolute travesty. Most pointless film in the world. Turns out it was recommended by Lay which made sense as it was essentially a film about an evil bloke then women get revenge. Like Teeth only less disturbing.

Zac left after the second film, and the 3 of us played more Smash Bros until it was time to depart. Another fucking awesome weekend over, with a few bad decisions that I'd like to put into the catagories of “it seemed like a good idea at the time” and “what happened in Poole/Bournemouth, stays in Poole/Bournemouth. Nobody who doesn't read this need know about the wine or the illness. Don't worry poor reader nothing else happened that hasn't been mentioned. The blog does not lie, it tells all....

~~~~~~~~~ Sunday 9pm ish – Home again ~~~~~~~~~

It was somewhere between 9 and 10 when I got back home to Dad's in Poole, knackered I crashed on the sofa, had a cuppa and something to eat then spent a while on the sofa half asleep with cat on lap until I managed to relocate the cat and go to bed. This was where I planned to record the weekend but to be honest after all that and no sleep in between I was shattered. So I'm on the sofa now writing on to a word document before I head out to get some internet in the park and post this online with a few pictures hopefully. My saltwatery and sandy clothes have been discreetly washed and I'll hang them out to dry before I go. It is unknown when DHIBs will ride again, but we are an established crew now so I'm sure it will happen and here be documented. Preferably next time without what was pretty much the start of hypothermia.

~~~~~~~~~ Monday 12:30pm – Onwards ~~~~~~~~~

I've been to the job centre this morning, been to the bank, wandered through town and then come home and written all of this. I now need to try and remember everything I used to jointly own with the ex and put it in to a coherent email to send to his father along with the list of which of those things I think should be mine. This week I need to collect the last of my possessions and I can only hope that I get everything which is owed to me in a fair and easy manner. I don't think I'll be taking up the offer from the ex to meet somewhere and have a chat. He contacted me on the PSN and wants to get together and talk about stuff because he misses me as a friend apparently. Unfortunately I think I may just have to decline there, he's the last person I want to see especially considering my own personal realisations about him. Not that I'm a weak fool who would go back, or fall for the “oh I'm so lonely pity me and forgive me” shit but it's just one more thing I don't want to have to deal with. It has been on my mind a bit and is one of the many reasons I felt the need to get trashed this weekend. Well, mission accomplished, now to get on with the week and try to do something interesting with it.

~~~~~~~~~ Final Thoughts ~~~~~~~~~

I'll still try and leave you with my little daily reflection here, so here goes.

We define ourselves not only by what we say and do but also by the company we choose to keep and how we keep them. We can make ourselves distant from even people near to us and be close to those far away. When you think about it, the people around you are the people who will influence you and who you are whether you like it or not. Love thy neighbour, love thy enemy, and thou shalt love thyself.

Jenivere Out