BrainVomit - The Date Arrives, Dropouts and Dropins.

Well last night signified the final night in the pub before the big trip today. The big trip though has turned in to now just 6 of us going to the beach. Zac is back in after unsurprisingly being pissed off with the others who were trying to get lifts from him, I think they're now being driven to Swanage by Jamesy who told me yesterday he couldn't afford to come with us. It's bullshit but I'll let it slide, I'm getting fast used to being lied to and backstabbed at every turn. This is why I avoided big social groups, it always gets complicated somehow.

I had hoped for 30+ people today, everyone I know and care about coming to one place as a belated birthday celbration, but as I've said before it's all fallen through. It's now going to be me, Dan, Zac, Iain, Holly and Martyn who may well leave early to go home and look after the wife. Understandable, and I'm grateful he's even coming at all considering she's 5weeks until due with their firstborn. Wishing the best of luck to them both, I know that kid will have a great start in life. I'm so disappointed so many dropped out that I feel quite down about the whole thing, and to be honest if people weren't travelling so far and hadn't already made the plans then I'd call the whole thing off and stay home alone with a few pints to drown my sorrow....but that's not me any more so I'm going to have as much fun as I can with the few that are coming, it'll be nice I'm sure everyone will get along and we can all have some BBQ's and some drinks and a good time all round.

Last night at least was nice at the pub. Charlie and Emma were there again, and as it's a Friday Louise came up as well. She'd bought me a late birthday present, bless her, which cheered me up immensely - she got me the lightsaber umbrella I'd seen in OPM and mentioned on facebook that I really wanted. She is already going to a birthday thing tonight so I don't mind at all about her not being there. I'm disappointed Charlie and Emma dropped out, as did Sue and co, I guess I'm not as well liked as I had hoped. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but it really doesn't help anything with the recent happenings. Ho hum. Nothing I can do to change things, I'm already starting to get annoyed with the intricacies of this large social group anyway, breakups, breakdowns, too many things going on that I don't entirely understand because I don't know everyone and it's too hard to piece together all the little bits...*sigh* I'm not used to all this. Maybe someday I will be but that day isn't today unfortunately. Still, it was alright last night, and it was nice talking to the people I'm closer to. I care about them greatly.

Well I guess it's time to sign out and start getting more positive. Little tidy up before Martyn gets here and I'll probably do us lunch or something while we wait for Iain and Holly to arrive then possibly meet up with Allan for a while in town before Zac and Dan turn up to go on the ferry to Studland.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we just have to accept there may be no reason why we are not liked, and not worry about pleasing everyone all the time because that is an impossible feat. We should focus instead on just being the best we can be, and where we are not we should seek to improve. The ones who are worth it will follow us soon enough.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - My Dark Night with my Dark Knight, and Even the Best Laid Plans...

Tuesday night came in fast, and the plan was to go to the pub for a bit then head on to Dan's after he'd had a bath and stuff after work at around 10pm. Well on the way to the pub as I left so late I saw Dan walking home and pulled over for a hug. I was in a top mood and happy, looking forward to the weekend and a day to spend with Dan on Wednesday. We spoke for a minute and agreed I'd meet him at his place at 10 or he'd text me when he was out of the bath. He later didn't remember me saying 10pm but that's a story I'll get to in a minute.

So I got to the pub, and everyone was outside on one bench. Nobody made a hint of an effort at making room so I stood at the end of the table. Barely as I'd got there a couple of people made some comments about Dan I wasn't happy with, and my mood slipped. It was brought crashing to the ground when the subject of the weekend came up. April made a snide comment about how the message I'd sent on Facebook with all the details on was too long and "could have been submitted to English as a fucking essay, nobody's going to bother to read it". Well, if you're going to get bitchy about it then fine, you're obviously don't have the inteligence to skimread or the attention span to give a damn what anyone else thinks but yourself. Maybe it was too long but you didn't have to read it to get the gist. Don't worry though I'll rewrite a new one later in length and language you might be able to cope with. I don't mean to sound spiteful but there was acid in her words and voice that I find hard to ignore.

Anyway, back to the point, it then came out that some people were offended at not getting said message and the invites, but to be fair I'd completely forgotten, I'd only just added them on facebook and hadn't invited them to the group trip event that I'd been planning since about April/May, long before I even met them! So they got uppity about that one too. Then I asked Zac if he was still cool with the plan at which point the same people again interjected that he was in fact now going with them to Swanage, and tried to make out that Dan and I were just using him for the lift in his car. We enjoy his company, Dan considers him a good close friend, and I know for a fact that since I invited him to this trip he has been asking me about details practically ever time we meet. We'd been looking forward to this, and the plan was Zac would take Dan after work and meet us in Poole and we'd all go over together, but now things were said like "oh he wants to do his own thing, you're just using him for the car because Dan can't get there otherwise" and all that crap. Bullshit! Plus after talking to Dan yesterday the same people saying all that are using Zac for a lift to Swanage.

Two faced bitching and purposeful ruining of other peoples plans is going on here and I don't like it one bit. They tried to do it last time when we were saying it would be cool if Zac came with us to Sound Circus for the night, but they had plans for Swanage. Well, in the end they left him behind because they obviously had enough cars for themselves and we were both saying it was a shame he wasn't with us, he could have come on the bus and been able to drink and enjoy himself, not having to drive anyone anywhere.

I mentioned again about Saturday that I thought Jamesy (who I'd spoken to the day before about it) was coming along to Studland, but they instantly said no he's with us. So it felt at this point with everyone else I'd invited dropping out one by one that the whole thing was just going to shit. Thankfully Sue who had been staying out of it said she'd like to come, and bring along her boyfriend and maybe a couple of other friends too. We swapped numbers and I thanked her for being nice when everyone else has obviously decided they don't like me now. It was only 9:25pm though and I was fed up of standing and feeling completely shunned by everyone, so I said bye to Sue and went to find something to do until 10pm.

My first call was to park up behind Morrisons and sit on the bench under the trees for a while and try to get rid of the upset that was threatening to overtake me, but within a few minutes a car full of chavs pulled up and I made a hasty decision to leave immediately. I headed around to Tesco, knowing they were open late, and went in to mill about and pass the time. I'd sent Dan a message before leaving asking if it was ok if I turned up early because I didn't want to stay any longer but had no reply so I thought it best to wait until 10. I got wispas, cookies and galaxy hot chocolate to make myself feel better, and some microwave paninis for the morning. The last 15 minutes I spent sat in the carpark next to my bike, texting Marcus to see how he is settling in to his new flat. After being kicked out of his house (he's only 16) he had spent a week in a tent in the woods before they gave him somewhere to live. Thankfully it sounds as if he's settled in well, if a little lonely now being so far away from everyone he knows.

10pm rolled in, and still feeling not much happier I drove over the road to Dan's. His mum let me in and I went upstairs to wait as he wasn't out of the bath yet, so I sat on his bed and read a few more pages of book. I was instantly cheered up by the look on his face and the cry of shock he let out when he saw me there, he was at the doorway without even a towel on to cover his modesty! It's not like I haven't seen anything before but he was surprised and said he hoped he had time to sort himself out before I came over. Still in fits of giggles I laid back and looked at the ceiling while he got some clothes on.

Once he was presentable (vaguely) he checked his phone and got my message. He asked why I'd wanted to leave early so I explained while trying not to get upset about it. It's awkward because I feel more upset when I'm angry because I quite simply hate being angry but that's how I felt towards some of them and the way they'd been speaking to me and so inconsiderate that evening. Well, Dan caught on and told me he didn't want me to be sad especially not with him, and that he'd hug and kiss me until I was happy again. It didn't take long, there's something about him that just makes me want to smile, he knows exactly how to make me giggle and forget stresses.

After that we went downstairs to make hot chocolate, we added coffee in for a bit more energy as we'd decided to watch The Dark Knight together. It was late but the day after was his day off so we settled down with mocha, cookies and cuddles to watch it. I absolutely loved the film, as I hadn't seen it before - it was awesome in many ways. By the time we'd got to the end though it was almost 3am! We decided to stay up longer and watch tv as we were so comfy laying on the sofa together. We ended up falling asleep there to be woken at 7am by his mum coming down and demanding we get up. Woops.

We went upstairs and dozed off for another few hours before getting up for coffee and breakfast. We quickly dropped the plan of going to Poole for the day, because time had gone on a bit and Dan needed to go to the doctor in the afternoon about his leg. He'd broken it a couple of years ago and had some pain in there which was now getting worse so it was definately time to get it checked up. We spent the morning relaxing and watching music channels, which was welcome because I've now got whatever it is that Dan had. Headaches and a painful chesty cough, total feeling of being run down by a bus, not good!

We eventually left when it was time to get him to the doc, and after the appointment we slowly wandered back through town. We stopped in the book shop, where he found some comics for his collection and I found a book called "Psychology and Psychiatry for Nurses" - it was 75p and though written in the 60's I thought it'd be good background reading for some more info. Dan bought it for me and I got us each ice cream from the shop nearby. We wandered back slowly because I was feeling the heat, despite it being cloudy and Dan assuring me it was slightly chilly.

When we got back I laid back and relaxed as I was feeling a bit rough for gaming and watched Dan playing MGS3. He'd just completed it so was running around on a second playthrough in a tuxedo with the Patriot gun not taking it all too seriously like his first time through. It was funny watching him run and gun through the forest, and talking to Sigint on the codec about the patriot was even more giggles!

His mum made us some hotdogs with onions for dinner, bless her, and afterwards we headed up to the pub. After the night before a big part of me didn't want to go and I felt awkward about it to be honest, bad vibes and all that. Still, we met his ex Emma on the way up and convinced her to come along with Charlie when she'd got changed from work.

We arrived and everyone was again sat on one bench but there was just enough room to squeeze a seat on one end each. There was a little grey cat, fairly young and fluffy, wandering around everyone so we picked it up for a cuddle, and when Dan went for drinks I sat down with it and it settled happily on my lap purring and clawing at my knee. Bless. I chatted a bit to Sue who was next to me but it seemed like when Dan came back too our end of the table was being kept a bit seperate to their conversations. When Emma and Charlie turned up, I suggested we move on to the benches behind us which were pushed together into a long table so we could all sit down. Well, Dan, Sue and myself moved over and the others stayed put. Chrispy ended up sat on the table down from us mostly talking to another Emma about things so we mostly left them to it. I'm just guessing it's about Emma's now fiance who is still in hospital, and Chrispy saw him when he went there about his eyes earlier in the day. We're all hoping he comes out soon, he's been in over 2months but hopefully he's making more progress to recovery now.

So anyway, after Sue left fairly early, the rest of the eve was mainly spent with me and Dan talking to Emma and Charlie. We had a good laugh, and I finally relaxed a bit although there were outbursts of laughter from the other table and I did hear us being mentioned at times. At one point, Dan went to talk to Zac privately about the weekend, so I spent some time convincing the other 2 to join us. I really hope they do, the more the merrier, and I'm sure they'll get on with people. It would be good to actually have someone turn up. I understand some people have dropped out with good reason, I have nothing against them at all, but it's the ones that won't even tell me if they want to go or not or the whole fiasco about conflicting plans...they're basically just copying us anyway, we started the trend for overnight beaching and they were jealous because they weren't having as much fun, obviously, so now they feel the need to ruin our plans by making someone feel that we are using them when in fact it's the other way around!

Back on track though, we left about 11:30pm ish and walked back with Emma and Charlie having a laugh all the way, we parted halfway through town and said farewell. There's not much I'll say about the night after that point but it was a good one and I fell asleep very happy knowing I have the best boyfriend around.

This morning I woke up tired and run down, couldn't face a coffee so just had water before leaving at quarter to 9 and drove straight home. I'm now trying to chill and get some energy back before my sister gets here at 2pm. She's been promised I'll be more awake than I was this morning but I feel really rough, cant seem to clear my head unfortunately but at least writing about the first half of this cleared a little stress and the rest made me smile to remember.

~~~~~~~ Though of the Day ~~~~~~~

Maybe this is what he meant when he said I couldn't trust anyone, perhaps I should have been more cautious. I feel betrayed by people I barely know and ask myself why their knives would bury themselves in my spine when I wish them no harm?

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Part 2 of the Party Weekend, Big Busloads of Fun and Finding Bliss

I'll start this one with a little hiccup I forgot to mention about the other night. It just makes me giggle despite the loss of dignity! When we were leaving Bryanston after Wombat and Amy's party, a few of us were saying goodbye inside. Chrispy decided to go around and hug everyone, picking them up as he went. He got to me last and rather than picking my up by the waist/arse like he did the guys he decided to grab my legs just above the knee. All very well while everyone's laughing while I'm stuck midair but when he tried putting me down he forgot the problem with drunkenness, high heels, and bent knees and we collapsed on the floor. Right after I got up Dan was laughing and reciting that stupid primary school rhyme "I see London I see France I can see your underpants!" If I wasn't giggling too I could've nutted him for that one!

Anyway, I'm now back home again and it's time to recount the second night of the weekend, and then a little bit more, to get up to date.

~~~~~~~ Saturday Night - Buses of Blandfordians for Bournemouth ~~~~~~~

Saturday night...where do I begin? Well I got to Dan's only a little late after a complete indecision on outfit arose. Oh dear...I'm turning more female by the day dear reader, it's all this actually caring about what people, or rather one person thinks though it's completely silly because looks are but superficial. Our physical forms are just vessels for the more important internal self...but it does feel good when you feel that you look good, no?

So Wombat had been organising the trip for a while, getting a bus to take everyone up to the club to celebrate her birthday so the people who usually drive didn't have to and could have a few pints too. Unfortunately, with people not paying and dropping out last minute, it was a bit worrying until we had confirmation they had allowed the size to drop from 24 seats to 16. We only had to pay an extra £2.50 each as all the spaces were then filled, and Louise had printed out the flyers for us to get in free saving the £3 entry fee - perfect!

We hopped on the bus outside Wombat's about 8.20pm in plenty of time to get to the club. The mood was quiet, partly because we were all blind stinking sober and partly because it's hard for us at the front to turn to those at the back. We took a few photos, some film, and everyone was talking but it wasn't until we started getting closer that the mood rose. We got out in the cold and queued up outside the club. It's advertised opening is 9pm and we were 5mins early but we were still there before the DJ! I guess they opened about 5-10mins late but we were the only ones there. We all went straight to the bar and got our first drinks in and stood by the bar talking more as a few people arrived, some we knew some we didn't.

A couple of us got in the mood to request some songs, and 3 of the guys got up to rock out on the empty dancefloor. I joined them as soon as I heard Metallica's "I Disappear" not long after I requested it and stayed a couple more songs before finding the rest again. I needed a few pennies for the night so I told Dan I'd pop over the shop, but instead he said he'd come with me after his pint so we mingled a bit before we went. It was nice to have him come with, I mean the whole night it was pretty much like we weren't joined at the hip but at the same time we spent time together and apart. If I wasn't with him I generally knew where he'd be if I wanted to and vice versa. It makes such a big change from being with someone who would be constantly watching or needing to be with me the whole time, or guilt tripping me if I went away. I can't get over how good it all is sometimes.

I got some good photos, and so did Dan the times when I handed him the camera and said just take a few pics of whatever and look after this for me. There were other times when I was sat and looked after his glasses and shirt in return when tunes he liked but I'm not so keen on were playing. Some songs we were both up and enjoying the music and rocking out together with the rest of the group in a big circle, and a random dude joined in the middle sometimes which was hilarious! Bless, he was wasted but having a lot of fun. Anyway, enough talk I'll let the pictures say sometime now!

Bus Ride

Louise and Me
Nick and Lay
Wombat and Chrispy, BEFORE they were drunk!
Dan and James

Wombat, Anna and Marie chilling on one of the leather sofas
Claire and Tristan
Lay and Wez
Luke and Dan
Tristan and Dan
Chrissy T and Chrispy - Fabulous, boys!
I did a great job looking after Dan's glasses ;)
I like to surprise Wombat....Wahey!
Carrie, on the left, Dan's more recent ex. I wonder why he took a photo of her but I don't particularly care, he didn't give a damn when she dumped him and he's an honest guy - I trust him completely.
Haze looking cute on the side of the dancefloor
Chrissy T Raving it up!
Lucy and girlfriend
Anna letting her hair down on her 2nd trip out to SC
Bev the Dancing Bunnygirl
Claire and Tristan in a bit of a classic moment, so glad I had the camera out!
Colleen....words can't describe this photo!
Haze and Luke - Ok, so I am a tiny bit jealous of her incredible hair...
Dan with one of his best mates Steph and the random drunk guy who was dancing in the middle of our circle
Dan and Steph, apparently she's just like me - in his words "you're both crazy!"
Dan, the Emo Pimp...Oh dear...we have to do something with that hair! To be fair though it was being blown by the fan there.
This one was taken by the owner, from left to right, Me, Claire, Colleen, Rich, and Chrissy T draped over us, bless!
Chrispy and I did a really REALLY good job looking after Dan's glasses...well he never said not to wear them!
It was giggles, Louise thought so too because she was taking these on her camera.
I almost look intelligent, scary!
Steph took this when we were sat in the hallway by the giant fan. "Look windswept" - I think we did ok on that one!

Well that covers the photos, or thereabouts. Some of Dan's favourite songs had him running over and draggin me to the dancefloor with him a couple of times which was just amazing fun. When I'm drunk I don't mind headbanging to D&B. So anyways, by the end of the night Chrispy had pulled (as usual, but a few of us thought he had a girlfriend? We were mistaken, she's just another that likes him so it seems) but we weren't too sure on his choice of lady. He said he was invited back to hers but didn't because he had to be on the bus with us. I don't know, dear reader, judge for yourself.


Wombat pulled as well, same guy for the second week in a row. Bless, I think she really quite likes him. Unfortunately though nobody caught him on camera, at least not that I've found yet! I do hope she'll be alright, she could do with a nice guy to take care of her.

The end of the night saw me on the dancefloor rocking out to Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer, for once I hadn't requested any cheesy 80's stuff but everyone loved it and was singing along, then the last track for the night was......Europe's Final Countdown! I was absolutely loving it when some arms slipped around my waist from behind. For half a second I did wonder what the hell was going on but leaned my head back to see Dan grinning at me! We danced out the rest of that tune together, almost having our own little slow dance to the solo - epic and indeed win! That really was the high point and I felt absolutely amazing and so glad to share such an incredible moment with him.

We took a while leaving when it came to 2am kickout time, mainly because Wombat was rather attached to Scott and didn't want to leave. Good job we'd booked the bus for 2:15, it wasn't waiting for long. Most of us got on and waited, and while we were waiting a random dude got in and asked where it was going! Private minibus, we were all a bit confused at his appearance at first but when we told him it was going back to Blandford he departed with the line "Blandford? Why would anyone want to go there?!" We all laughed and eventually everyone was on board.

We got dropped off next to Dan's as it was on the way, so thankfully didn't have to walk back through town. We were both drunk and hungry so Dan picked some snacks and we sat down to some tv to munch. A couple of cereal bar, crisps and some uncooked poptarts later I felt much better but absolutely shattered. We went upstairs and as it was somewhere between 3 and 4 in the morning by this point we went to bed and weren't awake more than a few minutes before being fast asleep.

As usual come morning I was awake first, and after an hour of reading decided to get up and fetch snacks and energy drink from Tesco. Predictably he woke up just as I was getting dressed, so we agreed I'd hop off but make him a coffee first and leave it downstairs so he could wake up slowly. I came back with quiche, sushi and a couple of microwavable paninis. Cheese and bacon, lovely job! I had the sushi then shared the quiche with Dan, saving the paninis for later.

The morning and early afternoon were spent easily, Dan played more of Prototype, I watched a bit but spent some time improving the quality of the night's photos as well. Zac got in contact and there was talk of going out shopping somewhere, but it was a hot day and I didn't feel like it too much. We were talking of maybe just doing Wimborne market, but when Zac arrived we sat in the garden with the paninis and ended up looking at photos and videos instead. Much preferable, as it was a bit late when he arrived to do anything like shopping anyway. It was a hot day, and Zac only stayed a short while before going on.

We went upstairs to play Star Wars Battlefront 2 together. Mos Eisley's Assault level provided us the brilliant chance to play as heroes vs villains, Jedi and Sith, all of the major characters, great fun! Dan started off playing as the evil side while I used the forces of good to crush him. I was just on the brink of winning when we were called down for the first roast meal I'd had in ages. We returned afterwards and I dealt a swift killing blow to secure my victory. The second round we switched sides, and after a close fought battle Dan maintained his lead throughout and won bringing us even. The third match and we both chose to play dark side together and crush the Jedi heroes. It was brilliant teamwork that defeated the surprisingly adaptive foes. In all matches I topped my team's leaderboard with over 60 kills, Dan however was halfway down with 30 or less but to be fair he was using some of the characters like Jango and Han who only have blasters and he got a good number of headshots.

When we were done with that, I coached him through finally completing Metal Gear Solid 2. He only had the last boss fight with Solidus to go, but when you're out of practice and indeed stuck on that bit it's hardly a walk in the park. He then started on the Tanker section, which he hadn't done yet. Apparently if you select not having played MGS1 at the start you go straight on to the Plant part of the game, madness! It's like starting over from nothing. After the fight with Olga it was getting late, so I turned off the laptop (I'd been half editing more photos while he was playing) and ended up reading as he went through OPM cover to cover. He started on the Batman review but got in to some of the other reviews and articles. He skimmed a few but went all the way to the end and back through to Batman again!

Sleep again, and an early start on Monday saw me making the coffee at 6:20am as usual and getting ready to go. Today I had the ominous interview at the Jobcentre to look forward to. I was a bit apprehensive, not having had one before. Turns out it was more just a review of the agreement, and he printed out a couple of job opportunities and changed a few things on the system. All over and done with. Phew.

So that takes us up to now. I'm staying in tonight, gaming night, and besides Dad's away with Kaitlin seeing some family in Dover and the cat needs half a pill twice a day for diabetes so if I went to Dan's this evening I wouldn't be able to stay. They're back tomorrow though so I'll see if any plans are happening. Would be good to sleep in tomorrow morning though, little bit run down at the moment. So I bid thee farewell, dear reader, until next time I have something interesting to catalogue here!

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

The slower the descent, the deeper the fall.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - 50th Post, The Maid and the Prototype, and the Backstabbing Bastards of Bryanston

50th post...should I do something special, mark the occaision? Is it celebration or am I merely halfway to my first hundred? Goodness knows, I'd get there faster if I bothered to write daily! Well I'm going to spend a short time today giving you, dear reader, and account of last night's fun. As you may remember from my last entry, we were off to my best mate's joint birthday party. Fancy dress, and Dan changed his mind again to go for the Prototype Alex Mercer look. It did look rather awesome but there weren't enough people who recognised it which was a shame.

I went for my maid outfit, which worked rather well but we did look a bit of an odd couple, not least because in my heels I was a fair bit taller than him - more so than usual! We looked fairly normal when I was sat down though, and we had a couple of nice pictures taken on my camera.

So anyway, the night itself, it was fairly good. We had to sign in and get wristbands to say we had ID and were old enough to drink. Part of something the club instigated literally 3days before the party. They made Amy and Wombat pay £100 to hire bouncers for the night with just those 3days notice! Ridiculous!

Anywho, it started quiet and I went with a glass of red wine, because it's fairly cheap and goes to my head fairly quickly. There was music, some dancing, and loads of people. I spent a lot of the night going between people, talking and distributing hugs, going outside with the smokers and inside dancing to some good tunes. I say dancing, I mean headbanging. Oh yes. Pantera was most awesome. I will also admit to a little bit of more energetic action to Madness classic Baggy Trousers - what can I say, I have a varied taste!

Well for a lot of the night I left my camera in Dan's capable hands and haven't even checked out the photos yet - woops! I did spend a short while with Lozi, she looked a bit upset and I found out it was because she's been diagnosed with a spinal condition, sciatica, which has been causing the pain in her leg. I spent a while sat with her talking about it, and have now checked out some details so next time I see her I can talk to her more about treatments and give her the reassurance that 90% of cases resolve by themselves. She has my number anyway if she needs it. I think I made her giggle a bit and feel a little better last night, at least I hope so anyway!

The rest of the night is a little bit hazy, well I remember it all but it's difficult to recall much more worth writing about. It was good fun, there were good tunes, some wine was had and Dan had more than a few pints too which was quite hilarious!

Well it all ended on a low note, we were meant to have the hall booked until 1am but they turned on the lights at midnight. Everyone kicked off then, because we'd bent over backwards, nobody had caused any trouble there was barely any mess, not even a spilt drink let alone any broken glasses! Little bit fucking ridiculous, backstabbing bastards, the guy behind the bar was threatening to call the police to get us removed if we didn't leave! Everyone was angry. Very angry. We were some of the earliest to leave though so I didn't see how it ended but I'm assuming they got the deposit back. Either way the club won't be earning any more from us, we used to book it up at least 6 times a year if not more, and everyone would spend a fair deal at the bar, always clear up after and nobody ever caused a major issue.

Oh well, tonight is Sound Circus on the bus. Several people dropped out leaving us needing to pay an extra £2.50 each and on a downsized bus but it should still be a good night now. No idea what to wear but after last night I think short skirt and stockings may well be a good plan!

In other news, I've looked back and yesterday/today marks a month since I started dating Dan, it's been a great month and I don't remember a time when I have been unhappy at all. I can't think of a single argument, the closest is maybe a tiny bit of both of us being indecisive about what we want to do! It's unbelievable really, it's just been so amazing I can hardly begin to describe it.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Time flies when you're having fun, it seems like an age but at the same time it's like just a day has passed since you asked.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - The Perfect Day

Yesterday, it started a bit slow then when plans were made I ended up in a bit of a rush and was late in to town - woops! Nevermind, Dan waited for me and I met him in HMV just inside the main shopping centre next to the bus station. I felt guilty for being late and making him wait because I had no credit to tell him I was on my way still. When I got there he was looking at DVD's and assured me he hadn't been waiting too long. We had a browse of a few things there but didn't see anything interesting so headed out in to the town towards Paradox.

It was a beautiful sunny but slightly cloudy day yesterday, a bit warm to be wearing thick tights but that was just bad planning on my part! It was nice and relaxing just wandering through the town and talking. He wasn't feeling too well so I was a little worried but he seemed to get a bit better as the day went on. Fresh air does do a world of good, well except when he's smoking, that's not so fresh!

We got up to Paradox at the top of town, he found a few things he was looking for and spotted something Colleen would be particularly interested in so got that for her as well, and we headed out to check the nearby fancy dress shops. He's looking for parts to make a Deadpool costume, it's his favourite series and I admit it's pretty funny (has included some gaming homages which is always good, particularly Fallout) and the costume would look awesome!


Unfortunately we didn't find anything useful, good job he has the backup idea for tomorrow to go as The Spirit. I think it'll look just as awesome, if a little less eccentric! I'm sticking to my original plan of a french maid costume. It's a party where they say fancy dress but give no specifics, and it's a costume I bought a while ago but haven't used yet so may as well go for it. Hopefully it will be approved by the boyfriend, though the 6 inch heels may not be so appreciated, I'll dwarf the poor guy!


So anyway, we headed back through the town. I didn't have much cash on me but I bought us an ice cream each, it was a hot day and I thought it might help Sir Cough-alot's sore throat, bless him he should realise smoking just won't help! We carried on further and popped in to Gregg's where he bought us each a pizza baguette thing for lunch - awesome! Pepperoni, yum yum and indeed yum! There was a slight problem in that Dan's was going cold and mine was like eating cheesy lava it was so hot, so about 1/4 through we swapped - it made sense! He prefers his hotter and I prefer not to have my mouth completely burnt. Next time maybe we'll be sensible and check before we leave!

We wandered through a few charity shops, looked in a couple of other places, and checked out a little old bookshop tucked down an alley. I found the perfect Christmas present for mum in there, and Dan had a look for graphic novels. We found some Star Wars books going cheap too which I'm tempted to go back for sometime. After, we went to the record shop next door and had a look around. Dan was looking for a film he wanted on DVD, so we hunted high and low before asking the guy working there if he had it. It's only a small shop, you could easily think it was a complete mess, cramped up in there with no organisation but things were mostly in order. He checked and his system said he should have one copy, he hunted out the back, on the shelves, everywhere high and low, and just as we were all giving up he found it as he was going back behind the counter. Dan bought it for a good price and was pretty happy at finding it there, promising it would be worth a watch later.

We carried on to Waterstone's and had a look for graphic novels, again nothing much other than the usual but when looking just around the corner on the Sci fi shelf we came across a novelisation of Metal Gear Solid from the PS1! I keep telling him he should play it, because he hasn't yet, and he still has to complete MGS2 and 3 before I let him on MGS4 properly. I thought the book was an interesting concept though, but put it back because I can't afford it. Dan picked it up though and bought it for me on the condition he could read it after - bless! So lovely of him, I'm slowly getting used to this nice treatment but it still surprises me every time.

After that we wandered around the Dolphin shopping centre for a short while before we realised what the time was. We had a brief squabble, well I say squabble it was just both of us being a bit indecisive, about whether I should just get on the bus or walk home and get my bike and drive down. Dan decided I should go on the bus with him then, I didn't want to suggest it too much because I know I can only afford one way and he'd have to pay for me to get back. Again I felt bad for the money but then I was also grateful to just hop on and sit down with him.

The way back I spent mostly talking to a friend of his who we'd bumped in to in town, and turns out he has a PS3 and not many people to play online with so I gave him my PSN to join in some of our games sometime. Dan spent some time reading his new comics, and finished them sat in his garden when we got back to his house while I started MGS in the sunshine. It was great to be sat out there relaxing in the sun, and after we headed in to watch the film he'd bought, Detroit Rock City. Halfway through his mum called up, bless her she'd made us both dinner! We had the first course, corn on the cob, downstairs and took the main meal up to eat while we watched the rest of the film.

It was hilarious, all about 4 friends who want to go and see Kiss live in Detroit. Set in the late 70's when Kiss were at the height of their fame and the popular kids were all into disco, in America when Christianity was more forced upon youths. It was simply brilliant, a mix of things like Empire Records, Dogma and the like. After the film we relaxed a bit, had coffee and went up to the pub for the evening.

The weather was perfect for pubbing, there were a good group of the regulars there who we like to talk to and Dan kindly bought me a couple of pints over the evening. We spent most of it outside on the benches as it was so warm, though later a few people went in to play pool. Dan put on some music on the jukebox too. Though I missed most of them when I was still outside, I heard a couple of his selections while I challenged him to a tipsy game of pool. I was terrible but it was great playing listening to Simple Minds "Don't You (Forget About Me)" - the ending tune from The Breakfast Club, a film we both love - so losing wasn't too bad! We finished the game after last orders, I nearly pulled it back on the last shots but missed a crucial final red when Dan was on the black with a perfect lineup.

We went back out again before we left, talked a bit more and wandered home about midnight. It was nice walking and talking again after a really chilled evening spent with good friends all around. When we got back we had a quick snack and sat on the sofa. I fell asleep (woops) on him for a few minutes and by 1am we went up to bed. It was nice to fall asleep with him again, he does just make me so relaxed I can't describe it. Waking up this morning I didn't want to move, but he has to work and I have to go home so it was business as usual - I make coffee while he gets dressed for work. It's a good system, and he sorted out my bus fare for me too. Luckily, the bus goes about the same time he leaves for work so that was easy enough. I wandered home from the bus station and here I am, with no idea what to do tonight. We're going out at the weekend so I'm guessing it's best for me to stay home and get rest hoping he'll do the same.

The one thing that came up in the pub was Saturday. Zac wants to go beaching with us and presumably Marcus as well, and there are others who aren't doing the Sound Circus trip who are going out to Swanage for the night. I was looking forward to spending a night clubbing with Wombat, she's organised for a big bus to take us all up there for £10 each if we can fill the 24 spaces. But now there's talk of going to Swanage and leaving early with Zac. I would like to go but I don't want to ditch on Wombat, she's my best mate and I love her to bits. I know Dan isn't as bothered with Sound Circus because we were there last week for Colleen, and with the theme of "hula hoops" it's not all too inspiring for me either but I know I'd enjoy the time with Wombat if we got some good music played.

So I'm really torn. I don't want to be going in when it opens at 9pm and leaving after 2hours. It won't matter for the bus because we've already paid our money for that but it would feel bad that she's gone to the effort of organising and booking it to say well yeah we're leaving early to go hang out with other people. It's a real rock and a hard place conundrum. If only we could leave at 1am, but I know Zac won't want to be driving the hour or so to Swanage that late. *sigh* we'll see what is said and what is suggested. I really don't know what I want so I can't speak up right now with an idea or opinion, if only I was a bit more decisive I could say exactly what I want, then Dan could tell me what he wants, and we could work out the best way for everyone to be happy. I half suggested going seperate but it's not really what I want and he agreed he'd rather not go different ways on a Saturday night. I hope we work it out soon, I prefer to know what's going on rather than leave it last minute to decide...

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Speaking your mind is the best thing to do to solve a problem, but if you don't know your own mind how are you supposed fix anything?

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Explanation Confusion, Blame and Responsibility

Yesterday, I received that explanation from my ex. That one he was on about making everything make sense. Well, I was expecting the same old "I was paranoid, depressed and have an abandonment complex from my parents divorce and my ex", which is bloody true and what I'd been telling him for years, but no, it was something completely different. I'll show you what he wrote.

~~~~~~~ The Explanation ~~~~~~~

4/8 12:51

Right. As I said it doesn't really justify things but it gives everything a sense of clarity and at the very least means that it wasnt entirely my fault. I'm an aspie, I've been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Of course the shit i was going through and the fact that i was too young to have the mental ability to control the bad qualitys didnt help. I wish I could have caught it sooner... i'm making alot of efforts to fight the bad sides now i recognise them...

4/8 13:01

If i'd been able to catch it sooner my life could have been so different. its classification has only been relatively recent, meaning diagnosis comes hard. Look it up or if you cant be arsed i can explain it to you. nevertheless it has become apparent that nearly everything i did wrong is largely due to that whether you acidentally provoked it or not. I just want you to know how deeply sorry i am. without this bullshit syndrome i could have been the caring person i was alot of the time before it got worse

4/8 13:03

As i say i dont expect you to forgive me but maybe it will go some way and at the very least you deserved an explanation..... thankyou for hearing me out.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm honestly not entirely sure how I should take this. From looking at some information I saw nothing about angry or aggressive outbursts from aspies and talking to one on Twitter last night reinforced that. He explained that it's not generally something linked to the syndrome, and that it's unlikely to be an cause of some of those issues. To be honest, the reading I've done would suggest in a lot of ways more PDA (pathological demand avoidance) than Aspergers. It certainly would explain why he just couldn't do something simple like tell me who had just been on the phone and what they'd been talking about, or if there was something I had to do that day, or even what he was looking for if he was searching for something. Still, I'm now emailing the National Autistic Society (Aspergers is a type of autism) to ask for some clarification.

In other news I'm waiting to hear from Dan to see if he's coming to Poole or not today. Maybe I should call him soon...

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - A Different Weekend, In and Out, and The Problem with People

Well there's a few things to cover today. I'm going to start on the incredibly positive from this weekend though because it really was quite something.

~~~~~~~ Saturday Night - Clubbing with Rednecks ~~~~~~~

So Saturday night I headed off to Dan's to prepare for clubbing in celebration of Colleen's 21st. I had the card and present waiting in my bag for her and was already in costume for Redneck vs Chav night at Sound Circus. His sister Claire was coming to pick us up and drop her kids off to be looked after by good old granny. Unfortunately, Dan's mum was pissed off at being "used as a babysitter" and didn't believe that Claire's ex husband had been asked and refused. It didn't cause too much of an issue because Claire was just as pissed off with her ex, so didn't spend long putting the girls to bed before heading out to pick up Tristan while we waited for Dan to have a snack, bless.

The journey was fairly uneventful but I was glad of the good choice of music - can't beat a bit of Soil when you're on the way to a night out! We got there and I paid for us to get in as we were too late for free entry which was a shame, but I agreed to pay for both of us if Dan went to get my first drink. On route to the bar, the owner came over to take our picture and gave us our free drink tickets for going in costume, so Dan was off the hook from buying for a moment, lucky sod!


As you can see, I was feeling a bit brave in cutoff shirt and hotpants combo, but I kept the leather waistcoat on for most of the night like a stomach-concealing comfort blanket. Yes, I am a little paranoid about my weight but mostly because it goes up and down so damn much I don't know what the heck's going on!

Anyway, we hunted around for the birthday girl, but she wasn't there yet. We took up some seats in the usual corner with the usual crowd and took a few photos until we saw Colleen, Chrissy T, Wombat and Louise arrive along with Jamesy and a fellow we know only as "Northern John". Many a photo was taken between us, with some classic expressions too! One of the first things Colleen said before the top of the following photos was taken was the brilliant line "I didn't mean to get this drunk, but I'm really drunk already!"

Me and Colleen

Louise, Wombat and Dave

Wez and Lucy

Chrispy and presumably new girlfriend. He's not a tall bloke and she was small next to him - she's freaking tiny compared to the rest of us! Bless, just like the band on her t-shirt...

Me and Dan

Well through the course of the night there was a lot of drinking and photo taking. I didn't dance much because, well, I didn't feel too in the mood and to be honest the choices of music weren't really inspiring me as much as they could have been. What pleased me a lot though was that Dan and I weren't attached at the hip, neither were we spending the entire night apart. It was a nice balance, to dance together a little, sit together, but split up and talk to other people too sometimes. I mostly knew where he was and looked over now and then if I was talking to someone else, noticed him doing the same a couple of times, it's just more of that perfection that I am still finding it so hard to believe is real.

Through the night I got some classic photos, brilliant drunken silly faces and people swapping shirts all over the place! Later on Josh and Lotty appeared from seemingly nowhere too which was awesome though Josh was completely wasted, bless him he was a huggy drunk literally hugging everyone and saying he loved them. I'll let the photos explain the rest of the night!

Colleen and Dan, otherwise known as Fran and Bernard (Black Books)

Chrissy T and Northern John.....oh dear...

Dan and Luke

NJ in PVC....oh my...and it's not a lady's top he's borrowing, it's Chrissy T's!

Colleen and Dan in the artiest photo of the night

Chrissy T makes a normal shirt more his style

Jamesy getting camera-shy

Some dude who was in the area with us, I don't know him but I think some of the others do. Had to get a pic of the shirt swapping madness though!

Dan's sister Claire and Tristan

Retard alert!

Josh and Dan
Josh still hugging Dan
Lotty watching on a bit confused

Me and Dan adding perfect facial expressions to the Redneck style. Yokels!
No Dan, real men drink real cider not that pear crap ;D
Me and Jamesy

Wombat and Lay
Luke looking a bit psycho....
Myself and Lotty

It was getting a bit later then, so we headed to the car briefly to retrieve presents for Colleen. Dan had bought her a set of models from her favourite comic/graphic novel series Lenore and a bottle of red wine, and I'd got her a "Penguin of Death" from the Edward Monkton collection.

Now, she loved the figures from Dan, but what he didn't realise was she didn't like red wine so we ended up taking that back with us. The other thing he had completely forgotten, and neglected to mention to me, is that Colleen is scared of penguins. Fail! I'd been worrying about it all night, but turns out it just made the gift ironic and she loved it! The message on the front of the bag, by the way, reads:

"THE PENGUIN OF DEATH

Things you Need to Know:
1. He is strangely attractive because of his enigmatic smile
2. He can kill you in any 1 of 412 different ways"

So the end of the night rolled around, and it was time for the costume prizes. There were 4 this time, 2 for those who came as Chavs and 2 for the Rednecks. I didn't expect anything, but after the first bottle was handed out for Rednecks, Dan nudged me forward to the front and convinced the dude that my costume was much better than the other girl he was considering. I was a bit nervous at being put on the spot and surprised at him being so forward but it worked and I won a lovely bottle of red!

When we left we were taking Luke back with us too, and we were all significantly pished in the back. Decision was made to go to Maccy D's all night drive thru for some munchies, so off we went. In the carpark we were amused by a large group of chavs, some of whom were dancing in the most absurd fashion for a minute or 2. Still, after we'd ordered we drove around the corner to a secluded part of the carpark. I swear Maccy D has never tasted so edible! Quarter pounder with cheese when I was absolutely trollied on double vodka and energy drink (I had a fair few through the night) and it was DELICIOUS!

~~~~~~~ Sunday - Chillout ~~~~~~~

Sunday I woke up first as usual, completely happy to lay awake and cuddle up to Dan for a little while before deciding I was hungry and needed snackage. I got up and dressed, and just as I was about to slip out for a few minutes Dan woke up and offered to come with, bless! I told him to stay put and I'd be back in 10 so went over the road to Tesco for a few bits. Picked up bread and cheese for making toasties, and a sarnie for the instant and headed back over to wake him up. We made plans to have a gaming day in, but his copies of Left4Dead and CoD4 (our 2 favourites to play together) were at Claire's. L4D is hers anyway we were borrowing, but she was borrowing Dan's CoD4. She was going to drop them off early when she picked the girls up but forgot to, so we arranged to run back over to Tesco and pick them up as she had to swing by quickly before going out to a BBQ somewhere. Unfortunately, she forgot them again so we went back empty handed. After some lunch and a lot of indecision, we watched a DVD which inspired Dan to look for his old camera. He and Luke had, back in the day, done their own spoof of the series we'd just watched on the DVD and he wondered if he still had the tapes.

After a long time of searching, Dan found the camera, the charger, the cable to plug it in to the tv and a bunch of old tapes. We spent the rest of the day looking at the old tapes, which went back as far as when he was 12! It was interesting to see him when he was younger, and some of the videos were hilarious and had me in fits of giggles too! Later on when we'd run out of tapes, we decided to watch Cloverfield. It was getting fairly late and he had an early the next morning, but it was worth staying up for the film. Good stuff, started slow but it picked up right on the point where it could have become boring and tedious. Good action movie, good horror aspect too, generally enjoyable all round.

So we went to bed a bit late, and come morning I really didn't want to get up and drive home but still, we did the same old same old and agreed to sort out the evening's plans later.

~~~~~~~ Monday - Do we stay or do we go? ~~~~~~~

We made half arsed plans in the afternoon to go to the pub Monday night, and I would meet at his place so we could walk up together. I got there half an hour late at just gone 8pm, and it was grey and miserable outside. It wasn't raining any more but it wasn't the nicest weather to get up and go. We did the usual message and ring round to see who was at the pub, and found out there were only 4. They were 4 we know and like, obviously, but they weren't the people who we'd particularly have as much to talk about with, so we decided it would be just as well if we stayed in instead.

Bless, he was so worried he was keeping me from going out because his ex never used to tell him when she was unhappy about staying in but complain about it later. Well when he made the suggestion, he literally said "well we have wine, games, hugs and snacks right here...." and I couldn't help but just think how insanely great an idea that was so instantly agreed. It took a while to convince him that I meant it but eventually he realised who I am and that I don't lie to him about that. I know if I want to do something, or don't want to, the best thing to do is bloody well say so - my ex was bad at that too so I wouldn't ever want to repeat the same mistake of not communicating.

So anyway, we played Left4Dead which he'd collected earlier and thoroughly enjoyed it with some of the wine I'd won on Saturday. Unfortunately though the wine did not aid in the last level, neither did the AI, so after 3 failed attempts we gave up for the night and listened to some of the commentaries instead before heading to bed fairly late. Good job we didn't have to be up early! He had the late shift today, so I was home a little after midday and we decided to both have peaceful nights in and chill, then meet in Poole tomorrow. It's nice making plans like this, we've had some nights in, then we're having a day out tomorrow and a night out in the pub after together as there'll be more people we know there on a Wednesday usually so it'll be a much better day to do it. I guess if we hang out Thursday it'd be a night in because Friday is Wombat's party and Saturday is clubbing with Wombat as part 2 of her birthday weekend. It's Amy's birthday too, and Friday is a joint do, but I barely know her to be fair. Maybe I will get to know her better this year. I hope so.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes you have to know when to step back and realise you've said all you can say. You can lead a man to words but you cannot make him read.

Jenivere Out