BrainVomit - Ups, Downs, Ups, and The Trouble with Dependency

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a shambolic mess. I had a few days off after some pretty non-stop intense days of work while suffering from what it turns out is a chest infection. Hooray! So I went to the doc, was given antibiotics and a new inhaler - I'm asthmatic but as it doesn't normally affect me much I don't tend to keep one. The concoction of pills is having a mixed result, with the slight and entirely new side effect of the salbutamol inhaler being shaky hands (to the point where writing is difficult) and hot flushes. Top this off with a little dizziness and a slight high from the mixture of everything that shouldn't react badly with itself but might anyway just to annoy me. And still, I feel like crap.

But anyway, on to somthing a tad more positive. On my 3-days-off-in-a-row, which was much needed I might add, I was able to spend some quality time with Dan. We both had the Monday off so I headed to his house middayish. We spent some time in his room where I admired his 3 (yes, 3!!!) mini xmas trees - such a difference to my ex who was nothing but a grinch over the past few years, making me choose and buy my own present and not wanting any surprises himself either he had to be forced into allowing any meagre decorations...but enough about him because Dan's festive spirit is really uplifting to be around, he has restored my faith in the seasonal cheer and indeed in some parts of humanity also. Hats off to him there.

So back to the point, we had some time inside, and spent a lot of quality time together, ahem, and by the evening we were making plans to go out for the night. We ended up going to not the usual pub but to a different one much closer to the house - it was damn cold so I'm glad we didn't have so far to go! We met a few friends there and spent a really good couple of hours just talking and laughing over a pint or 2 with people who are simply a joy to spend time with. I've missed going out a lot since starting work but I'm glad that when we do now it's always worth it, especially when we can completely avoid certain other folk who seem to lower the tone in more ways than one.

So that was a good day. When I left on Tuesday morning I was still on a high, and went home to work on some music. I ended up writing some new material and recording a couple of pieces via PSEye and did the same again during Wednesday while also getting neccessary washing etc done. I was on a massive high, but with the downside that being on such a creative high made me completely neglect calling about counselling, again. I should have by now but I keep making the excuses, to be honest I think I'm just scared about bringing everything out into the open incase I break down like I did before when I was young. One can only hope that time has made one stronger.

The dizzying highs are always followed by the lows, and though with the pills the lows are less severe I still feel them. It's when I'm low that the usual normal if a little bizarre vivid dreams that the pills bring about turn into inescapable nightmares. Last night was another nightmare that burned itself into my memory, because it just repeated like it was on a loop all night, until finally I was able to wake up and end the horror. The memories I have from my nightmares now scar almost as deep as true memories, because in all honesty when I get hurt I really feel the pain, I feel everything in these dreams at the moment as lucid as if I was awake and it was all happening in the here and now, even the most surreal parts too.

I'm now also wondering if I am becoming dependant on these pills. Not because I crave them, or feel anxious if I'm late with a dose, or through withdrawal symptoms, nothing like that. I just simply realised that tonight I haven't had them yet and normally I could be fast asleep by now, but I don't feel like I can sleep. So I took it late about 10minutes ago and am waiting for sleep's choking embrace to drag me into another nightmare, when I awake I will be just as tired and in no way ready for a day of work, but at least it's only a 6hour sunday shift...it can't be that bad, right?

BrainVomit - Neverending Nightmares...

Last night I had more nightmares, and try as I might I couldn't wake up. One part etched firmly in my tired and aching brain is where I had a cut on my lower leg, going all the way around. It looked like barely a scratch but then suddenly I couldn't walk and the whole thing was practically cut off and bleeding everywhere. I actually felt the pain and desperately in my sleep tried to push it back together and keep walking. That image and that fear hasn't left me all day. The weirder thing is that somewhere in the dream I was the one cutting my own flesh. Deeply disturbing when these dreams are so vivid, so real...oh well...

Most of work was spent handing out vouchers at the door, sounds simple and it is but in other ways it's completely soul destroying. Saying the same thing over and over makes you feel like a broken record player and for every person who thanks you and smiles there are three more who knock you down with ignorance, the disapproving headshake or the sad look that says "I know your smile is fake, and so is mine, we both know it but rather than making your job easier I'm going to walk as far away from you as possible and try to make it look natural". That being said I do still like my job when it's just the usual, and will plough through as much of tomorrow's 10hour shift of taking in stock from the delivery as best as I can while attempting to ignore the virus that is making me feel like there's someone constantly stood on my chest laughing in my face with halitosis.

Of course, I'd like to remain positive, but the only thing that got me through the hours standing in the cold repeating myself to people who either didn't care or insisted on getting far too close to popping my personal bubble, was the llama song playing on repeat in my head... "here's a llama there's a llama there's another little llama fuzzy llama funny llama, llama llama duck...."

Been listening randomly to Dream Theater more recently. Very impressed by the song Panic Attack which is scarily and yet brilliantly accurate. The rest of the week should go quickly, with Dan here friday on my day off then a weekend of work. Next week I have the first three days off but then I'm working solid until xmas eve. Ho hum. All my shopping will have to be done in that one day, but at least all the plans for the day are sorted. Start out with dan's family, go to my mum's for a while, then back to poole to see my dad in the evening. Covering all bases in one short day, I'm hoping to see all my friends in the pub xmas eve, huzzah! The only one's I won't see then I shall hopefully be seeing them all in January, which is most excellent because I miss them loads and love them dearly. This time I will make up for my previous...instabilities...in our last meetings. I no longer have to worry about a member of the group who was, in short and as polite as I can manage, a twat, and will be able to relax a lot more away from crowds of people. Which brings me neatly back to the beginning of this paragraph where I would like to advise anyone who hasn't heard the song to listen to it, because it holds a great insight into the feelings one goes through in a panic attack.

I'm off to go get some custard, fatty wants comfort food...I kid you not, I have put on weight unfortunately. Downside - favourite jeans now have muffintop syndrome. Upside - boobs got a tiny bit bigger. Downside - sodding bras don't fit right anymore and I seem to be having trouble with TMIS - too much information syndrome.
Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Red Bus Syndrome, and Honesty at its most Brutal...

12/11/09

So another period of time has passed where I once again have failed to keep up. It's not surprising really, one has to be in the mood to write, and well I've never been great at sticking to things anyway. The fact my blog has continued thus far is a small miracle of its own. Anyway, on to the tedious mental excrement of the week...

The last time I wrote was before I went to the doctor. Well, I went. I talked, felt only half listened to, and was given anti-depressants and a phone number to book my own counselling. I've since lost the number but have been taking the pills. The main side effect is drowsiness. I felt the worst of it in the first few days, where after taking one at night as directed I slept for 11hours and woke up feeling tired, and spent a further 4-5hours drifting in and out of sleep. Not good. Thankfully I seem to be evening out a little on this but still feel (and apparently look) exhausted a lot of the time.

That night was planned as a gaming night for 3 of us, but Chrispy couldn't make it so it was just me and Dan again. Nevermind, we had a few fun games and I fell asleep early because the pills had made me so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Since then, Dan's had some time off work for a week so we've been spending most of that together, mostly here. I had an interview last Friday and got a call Monday morning when I was with Dan to say I got the job. Huzzah! I now have a job, about an hour and a half travel away from home, 20hours a week, minimum wage...well, it's a start. To celebrate, we went to town and Dan bought me lunch out in a lovely pub/restaurant. Good meals and in great portions, and the prices were pretty awesome too. £6.95 for 2 meals (we chose lasagne), £1 for tea or coffee, and buy one get one free on puddings at £3.95 each. Apple crumble and custard, absolutely brilliantly tasty, a real treat. We spent a bit of time in town and headed back to Blandford for the evening.

We planned to go to the pub for further celebration, and ended up there with just us 2 and Zack. It was nice when we arrived early, nobody was there and we could sit in the corner and chat, catching up and talking about the usual crap we do down pub. Then, an hour later, the regulars arrived. The reason most of our friends don't often go down there any more... Some of them are ok, when they're not with others, but some of the girls, and yes it's ALL women here surprise surprise, have been known to almost constantly bitch about people who aren't there behind their backs. I just don't take kindly to that. You have a problem with someone take it to their face. Surely you can think of something better to talk about?! Hmm, maybe not then....

8/12/09

Alright so I'm picking up this half finished blog nearly a month later. It has been busy, since securing my new job I've been spending most days working, and of those days I spend 3 hours on buses travelling just to get there and back. The jobcentre gave me a grant to cover the first month ticket though so it's not too bad for now, and only £60 per month after that for unlimited buses in Poole/Bournemouth, fabulous, and I might even consider paying another £40 to cover going to Blandford or other places too, not sure about that yet as it may be cheaper to just pay when I'm actually going there which at the moment doesn't look like it'll be too often. I'm working all weekends in December. Good, because I'm doing well over my contracted hours and will therefore earn more monies, but bad because I won't be able to go out as much and might miss out on seeing Dan a lot as our shift schedules won't always match.

It could be a blessing in disguise though given the escalating bitchiness at the pub. Yes, more, and unprovoked as always. See, the other night we went out for the first time in a while, we arranged to meet a good few friends up pub for a couple of drinks and a lot of laughs. It was great for a few hours, we were all talking, we played a couple games of pool and everyone was just relaxed and enjoying themselves. Then we got word that they were on their way, those known now as the trio, who when on their own can sometimes be quite likeable but when together only seem to cause aggro, piss people off, and talk about others behind their backs. This is not the sort of person that I like. They came in with their trophy boyfriends, and sat on a seat near to us as there wasn't room for them all to join at the corner table. Before they came everyone expressed dislike, and said how they wish they didn't go there any more, but nobody actually ever says anything to them. If we all stood up and said we're fed up of their shit they'd have no choice but to fuck right off or stay there and be shunned. As it was most of us ignored them, despite the fact I am sure they count us all among their friends. It's not mutual, because once upon a time with no provocation they suddenly had a problem with me. I've never had anything against them, until the day they turned on me. They don't even know me, and have no reason to dislike me that I know of mainly because we've barely spoken. Since then further actions have affirmed my stance against them but like the good little doormat I am I just sit back and take it with a smile just to keep the peace.

I amaze myself for being so spineless to sit back when one of them in particular goes out of her way to be a complete and utter bitch. Am I exaggerating? Maybe, but judge for yourself. Dan and I were playing a long doubles game of pool against another couple, and for some reason "she" saw fit to interfere. It was a really tense and competitive but good humoured game, but she butted in and took a shot for them when not invited to do so and later decided to get up and pick up on of their balls dropping it in the pocket and moving several others when she did so. I should have relocated my cue somewhere uncomfortable but instead I grumbled and replaced the balls that I could for Dan to take his shot. Later in the night Dan and I were stood under the doorway to keep out of the pouring rain while we waited for the taxi he had called to take us home. They came to leave and "she", rather than asking, physically pushed him out of the way and into the rain. The one who had left a minute ahead of her had asked and he had stepped aside, but manners obviously mean nothing to the worst of the gang. I don't know what grudge she bears against Dan but she makes sure enough to show it when she can. I'm sick of it, so next time she or any of them do or say anything I'm biting back, in the full knowledge that pretty much everyone else will agree and nobody will back their corner.

Other things have been going equally dismally for me at the moment. I went back to the doctor after coming to the end of my first prescription for antidepressants and saw a different guy this time but spoke of the nightmares I've been having since a couple of weeks of starting treatment. He advised perservering with them, and prescribed double the dose. I've had 4 days of these and the nightmares are worse. Sometimes they aren't even nightmares just extremely vivid dreams, the kind where you can feel the pain of whatever happens in it. Some of the nightmares are fantasy, some are repetitions of reality, flashbacks forcing me to relive moments of my life I'd rather forget, some of them are simply twisted apparitions born of my own subconscious hopes and fears. When I was on the lower dose I would come to the point of waking sometimes as frequent as every 10minutes for a few hours, slipping in and out of terrifying dreams, but these few days on the higher dose seem to be enforcing a deeper sleep, the nightmares cycle on and yet I can't wake up and escape them. I wake up feeling like I've barely slept much at all and with the images of the night burned into my brain as real as if they'd happened mere hours ago in real life. Sometimes when waking it is hard to distinguish that it was a dream for those first few dozy minutes. And this is supposed to help? Yes, I have had less panic attacks, yes I am going to sleep easier, yes I have had *some* small improvement in mood, but I'm still getting some of the mood swings and am becoming more than a little paranoid about sleeping. I'll keep going for now, and eventually pluck up the stomach to call the number I was given to arrange counselling. The scars of the past are etched deep in my heart, sins that can never be forgiven remain unforgotten poisoning my mind, colouring my life black with unspoken pain.

~~~~~~~ Honesty, Brutal and Cold.~~~~~~~

Well now is the time to drop the candour from my words and give up on hiding the things that trouble me. I will not reveal my past but I will describe the present bluntly, how it is. You see, not everything is as it seems. Though I am happy with my relationship with Dan there are things around it that makeit particularly stressful. Reader, if you know us well please use discretion about reading on for what I speak is not truly mine to divulge but something I wish I could change.

Every time I stay at his house, it becomes ever more clear. He has spoken to me before of the problems certain people have with alcohol and it has now got to the stage where I can tell. When your family and those close to you can tell you have been drinking when you try to hide it from them you should not be surprised, but when a relative stranger notices it's a more serious problem. But then people under the spell of the addictive liquors never seem to realise the harm it does to those around them, even if it is as simple as serious concern for their own health and wellbeing, once before damaged by drink to the very brink of termination it's strange to us outside that all warnings would remain unheeded despite having seen first hand the true consequences in others. Every time I go there I can't relax, even when sober there is always somewhere a reason to disrupt, further put to detriment by Dan's own ways. I'm sure it's not intentional but he does have a way of making problems where there are none, or getting people involved when it is not needed which can cause further friction between them. It is difficult, and I am far happier here at home where I know my father does not feel the need to intrude and is also very pleasant to spend time with without feeling awkward.

There are a lot of times where I've wished for life to become like a fairytale, to be taken away by some handsome knight who would banish all my troubles for that happily ever after we used to hear about at bedtime. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Every knight I have come across has either been a dragon in disguise or simply had tarnished armour or a kingdom falling to ruin around them. There's no such thing as fairy godmothers and wishes turn to ashes before our eyes every day. The best I can dream of somehow is a tragedy, I actually secretly wish nothing more than a beautiful death and a lover to mourn my passing. But then, in dying, I wouldn't know - so what's the point?

There's no such thing as heroes, they're all too busy battling their own demons. There are no knights in shining armour, only liars, cheats and thieves waiting to sweep you off your feet and tear out your heart for sport. Maybe a part of me still believes in love, beautiful head over heels romance overcoming any obstacles in its way....but what's the point believing if I can't even say it to his face? I am a coward wishing for the easy way because I'm too tired to fight the currents any more. Ultimately I shall drown never seeing the shore, abandoning the life raft because I'm too scared of picking up the oar to row. I will sink knowing I only ever relied on myself, that my own fears became the lead in my limbs, my own cowardice drove me to leave dry land too afraid to face the beasts in the woods.

I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts like this. My mind is a prison, I am trapped in the cage shaped around me by the past, people and places that tore me down until I gave up fighting back. And now I see my cousin, starting to falter under depression, and there is little I can do to help him because he is a prisoner as much as I. I can but hope he is stronger than I am and have been, that he can push back his demons.

"I've seen angels fall from blinding heihts, but you yourself are nothing so divine, just next in line. Arm yourself because no one else here will save you."

I need to stop writing now, I fear I am actually losing my mind...

Until next time,
Jenivere out.

BrainVomit - Short Trips, Halloween, and Losing More Control

This'll be a long one I think so please bare with me. The last few days have been fairly busy, and the result is a colossal headache right now. Oh dear.

~~~~~~~ Thursday 29th - To Dover ~~~~~~~

We left fairly early in the morning for the drive to Dover. My half sister, Kaitlin, was in the back with a DVD player to keep her entertained with a stack of DVDs and was content to keep quiet and watch. I talked to dad for about the first half hour then it was mostly quiet driving down the motorways toward London. We stopped at the traditional and popular Fleet services for a quick leg stretch and toilet break then headed onward to Dover with a few snacks on board for lunch.

The journey in total was about 3 and a half hours, when we arrived I was grateful for the chance to sit on a comfy sofa and relax. The only one home when we arrived was my Nana, so we talked to her for a while and I caught up with her as I haven't seen her in the past 4 years. I feel very guilty for not seeing her in all this time, but it was nigh on impossible what with my ex boyfriend and lack of monies to get there on my own.

As I was talking to her it was becoming more clear how she is suffering dementia and very bad short term memory. Through the day she repeated herself on one thing about 6 times with no recollection of having said it before. I worry for her, I know she has had a couple of strokes a few years back and has a lot of difficulty in getting around, pretty much housebound now and relying on my aunts to care for her.

Still, we relaxed through the afternoon until my aunts and older cousin arrived home, and all had a nice meal together in the evening followed by an equally nice pudding. The rest of the evening was spent talking and laughing, catching up on what we'd all missed until dad went upstairs to put Kaitlin to bed. We waited a while for him to come down and decided to set up a table to play cards. Several games of "shithead" later and we realised he'd probably gone to sleep upstairs too as he was so tired from the drive. A few more hours passed with a good many laughs and endless rounds of cards, which I'm proud to say I didn't lose a single hand of until the very last round we played before bed at midnight.

I had a sofa and sleeping bag for the night, so ambled off to play about on the laptop until I could actually sleep. Unfortunately it took until about 1am before I could close my eyes, and I was awake at 4:30am needing to get up. When I got back to bed I slept in half hour intervals, waking up to shift around. The room was chilly, but the sleeping bag was a bit thick and thermal for indoor use above freezing temperatures, so I just couldn't seem to get it right. By the time I got up at 8am the next morning it felt like I'd hardly slept at all. Through the entire day I'd bounced a couple of times between the up moods and the down moods, though thankfully mostly stayed on the up so found it easier to hide the failing sanity there.

~~~~~~~Friday 30th October - Trip Cut Short~~~~~~~

The next day dad and Kaitlin made the second of her plaster of paris models from the kit she had brought with her. They made one the day before which she had now already painted. I had breakfast and afterwards when the model was dry I sat with Kaitin while she painted it. It was a nice little bonding experience, and good to see how well she was mixing the colours and how carefully she was painting the detail. Obviously at 5 years old she's not making masterpieces but she's trying really hard and showing a definate interest and aptitude in art. Runs in the family I guess, I take after my musical aunt who has a band and now a 4 track cd, while my sister takes after the artistic aunt who is currently going to university and spends most of her free time creating new pieces.

After lunch, dad, my older cousin Craig and myself all went to the shops for cards and presents for my Nan who was going to be 77 on Saturday. We all managed to find some good gifts in one place (good old WHSmiths) and picked up a few things in the local supermarket before heading back.

Kaitlin had spent the time baking cakes with my aunt, while my other aunt had gone to collect my younger cousin Mitchell from his father's house. When they got back, I sat with my cousin and caught up with him as I hadn't seen him in 4 years. When I last saw him he was a short 10 year old with a blonde crew cut and an encyclopedic knowledge of Monty Python quotes. Now he is 14, almost as tall as me (but only almost) and has a cross between a Beatles bowl cut and an emo mop of blonde hair, and he's obsessions are currently Star Wars and gaming. So he hasn't done too bad in my absence, except he has a 360...oh dear...

Anyway, it wasn't long before lunch was ready, and we enjoyed a good roast chicken dinner together with plenty more family banter. My mood stayed on the up so other than a little hyperactive I felt alright. After lunch, we gave presents and cards a day early. We'd decided to do this anyway as we were planning to leave on the morning of her birthday, simply so we could travel back in daylight when my dad was well rested to drive.

Unfortunately, during the course of the day Kaitlin's mother rang. Now, earlier in the morning, Kaitlin had turned to my aunt and asked "would it be ok if I sleep over another night?" which of course we were all delighted by because that's just what we wanted, her to be happy about staying again so we could leave as planned and wish a proper happy birthday to my Nana. Well, that all changed in the course of about a minute. I don't know what she said but after my sis came off the phone she was insistent on going home that night and was even impatient to leave. nothing we said could sway her and she wouldn't really explain why other than something about her wanting mummy to read her a story to go to sleep.

That fucking woman has done this before, she is making Kaitlin dependant on her, is completely ignorant of the child's actual wants and needs and the one who will suffer in all this is Kaitlin. It's easy to see it will affect her confidence, trust, and ability to stay away from home or spend time with her dad. I spoke to my aunts about this, basically everyone thinks she's being unreasonable and possessive over the child and not letting her lead a normal life visiting family and her other parent. I have a real mind to have serious words with her because it's not fair for Kaitlin to suffer just because her mother is so needy she can't go a night alone. It brought home the exact reason why it came about - when pulling up to her house Kaitlin pointed out that mummy's boyfriend's car wasn't there so he wouldn't be there.

The rest of the day felt rushed and irritated, everyone was unhappy about what had been said and Kaitlin's change of heart because of it. We had to pack our things together and try and explain to an elderly lady who may not see many more birthdays why her son and granddaughters were leaving before her actual birthday. Still, we had some birthday cake later and left around 8:40pm.

Kaitlin had her DVDs again, and amazingly stayed awake the whole journey, probably due in part to having a can of cola and cake in the evening. We stopped at Fleet again for a quick break but most of the drive was in the dark and intermittent rain. Nevertheless, the journey wasn't bad and after dropping Kaitlin home and picking up some milk we were home by midnight. My mood had sunk completely again and taken my energy levels with it so I just tried to get some sleep. It took a few hours of restless exhaustion but I did eventually manage to get a solid few hours.

~~~~~~~ Saturday 31st - Halloween ~~~~~~~

I wasted most of the morning on the internet, pissing about and checking emails etc. I had a late lunch with dad and eventually headed to town late afternoon. I had planned to wander down town and look for a couple extras for my costume for later, but I was feeling exceptionally low so just wanted to jump on the first bus to Blandford and get going. Halfway through the journey, the switch had flipped so by the time I got to Dan's I was pretty cheery and ready to see him.

He was in the bath when I arrived, so I went to wait for him. We spent a little while talking and watching tv before we decided it was time to start getting ready to go out. I had my purple and black prom dress from yr11, so I planned to create some bitewounds on my neck with a little makeup magic and borrow some fake blood when we got to the club to finish it off. Dan was going in his full "The Spirit" costume, which for those who haven't seen the movie or comics is a suit with long jacket, gloves, black shirt, red tie, black eyemask, smart hat and trainers. He looked really rather handsome, and I will freely admit I was very tempted to not let him leave the house and have him to myself!

Anyway, we were ready early so we sat around downstairs watching tv for a while waiting for his sister Claire to pick us up to go. When she arrived, it was obvious getting in to the car was going to be a squeeze. There's literally no legroom in the back normally, but squashing 3 fully grown adults in meant that even with Dan in the middle I had one of my knees crushed on the door up by my chin for most of the journey... When we got there it felt so good just to unfold limbs!

Dan's mask meant he couldn't see well in the distance because his glasses wouldn't fit over the top. We led him to the bar where we waited a good 10minutes or more to be served our first drink. We found a couple of friends and sat on some sofas and had a couple pics taken as we were there.





For the next hour we sat around mostly or wandered about talking to people. My mood took a sudden plummet and I found it difficult to stay in one place at a time without feeling the desperate need to leave. I went outside to the smoking area with them when they went, but it did no good because it made me feel claustrophobic with people lining the narrow walls both sides and more trying to walk down the tiny gap in the middle to find a space to smoke or to go back inside. It's weird, I've never really been claustrophobic but right now lots of people in small spaces make me nervous as hell and set off the start of panic attacks...

We went inside again, where it was boiling and packed full. The door to the pub next door was opened so people could come and go freely through there and sit in that bar too for the night if they wanted. I went to go outside the front for fresh air but was told that as the club was at full capacity we may not get back in. They were operating a one out one in policy on the doors, so the best we could do was stand in the corridor and catch the air from the big fans they have on the floor out there. I spent a bit more time inside sat on the chairs with people, catching up with those I hadn't seen and after a little while my mood bounced back up again. By then, Dan, Claire and Tristan had all gone into the bar next door to try and get served faster but it was so packed with so few staff they were there at least half an hour.

While they were gone, Wombat and co turned up late as they'd been to another party on the way here. Wombat was wasted but my sudden flip in mood bounced right off her and I got a bit hyper, insisting on giving her the promised piggy back immediately and going to find friends.

We went over to see one friend and found ourselves in front of the camera, and right next to a cage that had been set up for the night. I'd seen some people in there earlier so jokingly suggested as Wombat was dressed as a cat she should get in. She wouldn't get in there without me so the owner's partner who was taking pictures suggested we go in there together and she'd take some photos. It turned out to be a good laugh, and I was on a massive high to be having fun with my best mate again after not seeing her in a while. Here's the evidence of the little escapade anyway....









Shortly after that burst of energy my mood dropped as I started to panic again amongst the crowds. A few minutes in the hallway later I managed to control it and returned to the seats in the corner. Dan and co were back from getting drinks, finally, and we sat around talking for a while. Soon after they went for a cigarette, and I talked to Louise while I waited for them to get back. When they'd done smoking, the 5 of us travelling in Claire's car had a quick talk, and decided as it was so unbearably hot and full, with no chance of getting a drink at the bar within 30minutes we might as well leave. It was midnight and we thought we could easily go to the pub back in Blannie and at least have a shot at being served a couple of drinks. It turns out the problem at the club was, apart from it being the busiest club night of the year, that being Samhain, a Pagan holiday, half the bar staff were Pagan and so entitled to the night off work leaving them with nowhere near the amount of people needed to deal with so many customers at once. No surprise really, but as we were all fairly sober and not feeling the mood of the night it was just as well we went back.

I felt low most of the way back, and with Dan dropping in and out of sleep, being cramped up and nobody else really talking on the journey by the time we got to Claire's we decided to call it a night. We went in for a cuppa and relaxed with Claire and Tristan before we had a lift back to Dan's. By the time we got back there I just felt so low all of a sudden I couldn't help but get upset. It was worse because I can't explain why, so Dan feels like it's something he's said or done when it isn't at all, it's just so completely random...anyway, when I pulled myself together we decided we were shattered and just went to sleep. I didn't sleep for a while after he had dropped off, and had a disturbed night again. The depression was just too unbearable, and the nightmares are becoming fairly consistent now. Hooray.

~~~~~~~Sunday 1st Nov - Chiiiiiiilllllllllllll?....~~~~~~~

I woke up a few hours before Dan on Sunday. I spent an hour or so just laying there, then got up and read some of OPM which has finally arrived by subscription without incident this time. eventually he woke up and we went downstairs for coffee. When we went back up he felt like working on som more of his drawings so he set up DOA4 on his 360 for me. I spent a little while playing through before another wave of depression took away my will to keep playing. I took a break for a little while and waited for it to pass, then played a bit more until lunch was ready.

We had a roast dinner downstairs with Dan's mum and her boyfriend. I wasn't hungry at all, and was put off further by the mountain of cauliflower cheese and brussel sprouts on my portion. I had been asked before if I liked this and declined, but obviously that small detail had been forgotten which annoyed his mother who thought she should have been told my likes and dislikes. Well, it's difficult to speak up and say that I've actually told her before and she's just forgotten, so I apologised and decided to just eat what wasn't covered in vile cauliflower cheese sauce. Which wasn't much really. But then, my appetite was absolute zero, and I felt like I was really forcing myself to eat at all. What made it all worse was that I was sat opposite her and experiencing another crushing wave of depression which quickly grew into a panic attack as I wanted to leave but couldn't, and couldn't control my eyes from welling up. The whole thing was a nightmare, I ate a small amount of the meat and had to leave it at that, sitting at the table trying desperately to hold it together while Dan finished eating.

When we went back upstairs I felt so guilty for being upset and ruining the mood and day of everyone around me that I just couldn't hold it together any more. I felt like a total train wreck, and tried my best to explain to Dan just how my head keeps switching itself at random. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I do know that I'm not coping any more. He told me he will be here for me...it's difficult to believe, much as I want to, because I've been dumped because of mental instability before when I had these problems. They had subsided for a couple of years, or at least significantly lessened the frequency of mood flips, and the panic attacks really are something entirely new to me... I dearly hope that this time I have found a hero to rely on, but I'll just keep trying to save myeslf for now because I wouldn't blame him for a second if he walked away from the wreckage...

Anyway...after a while my mood lifted, and we curled up in the quilt to watch Tenacious D's Pick of Destiny on DVD. Everyone likes a good light hearted rock comedy now and then, and it is fairly awesome a film too. The rest of the day was ok, and later we were playing Super Smash Bros on the Wii using the old GC controllers for some co-op challenges. It was fairly fun and we had a laugh watching some of the extras you can get with Snake. Eventually we went to bed, and this time I found it easier to fall asleep. Unfortunately we both woke in the early hours, and I woke a few times after with more nightmares. We had an early start but I managed to get up around 6am to make him coffee. He left for work not long before 7am and I filled out my forms for the jobcentre and caught the bus in to town.

~~~~~~~ Monday 2nd Nov - Rejection, review and the week's plan...~~~~~~~

I got to town with half an hour to kill, so bought a hot chocolate and a cake for £1 (bargain!) from my favourite little shop at the bus station and sat inside the main shopping centre on a bench reading more OPM to kill time. The jobcentre went as usual, and I have been told it's been 6 months now that I've been looking for work, so I have to attend a group review thing for tips on jobhunting. It seems I'm seeing the same guy most times I go now, which is ok. He's not the same chap I saw at first, who seems to have left, but is an older guy. Talking to him about countless fruitless searches doesn't seem as bad, especially now he's said he was out of work himself once for about 8months. I felt a lot less like he would be as scornful as some other people I've seen there at my fortnightly appointments. A small consolation...

I printed out some jobs from the search point machine things, and resolved to apply for them all as soon as I got back. I caught a bus home and by the time I got back felt completely exhausted and drained of all energy, pysically and emotionally. I spent the morning sat with either cat or laptop on my knees searching jobs and applying to the fistful I had brought home with me. Unfortunately a mere couple of hours later I had a rejection email from one. It's more than I usually get but a negative response that quickly is really discouraging. I'm starting to wonder if I'm completely useless now, like all of my CV's and applications just get binned as soon as they arrive. Even the jobs I've been hopeful about have amounted to absolutely fuck all. I signed up with an agency, who literally only took my contact details and available working hours (any) and said that though I didn't have any training that was fine as they often preferred to train new staff their way anyway for the NVQ. They were supposed to call me with an interview date. That was about a month ago. I must admit it's feeling pretty hopeless and extremely unlikely I'll have a job by christmas. Won't even be able to afford to buy close friends and family any gifts, maybe not even Dan, and he keeps mentioning he's seen things that would be great to buy me for Christmas. I feel so intensely guilty for not being able to get anyone birthday presents this year that the very thought of December makes me feel even more depressed and hopeless about the whole situation. I had to borrow money from my boyfriend for a bus fare just to get home this morning. I think that says it all really :(

Well, before I get on too much of a downer again, I'll leave it at that. I've resolved to go to the doctor tomorrow morning for an appointment and start getting my head sorted out. I'll also spend a fair bit of time trying to sort things out here, as Wednesday night looks to be like a gaming night here with Chrispy and Dan coming down in the late afternoon and staying over as they're both off Thursday. I hope it perks me up, because if I keep breaking down I'll have no choice but to stay away from people completely rather than risk being the pathetic person I used to be.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - What's the Point Anyway?

These last couple of days have been particularly low. Don't ask me why I don't have a clue, but I woke up this morning disappointed to have woken up at all. Yesterday all I had to eat was some pancakes I forced myself to have for lunch, the rest of the time I wasn't bothered by food or hunger at all. Today, pretty much the same, I forced down some sausages and tried to cheer myself up with a couple of toasted waffles but it felt like it took a lot of effort to eat. I know I probably won't have anything else tonight, use the same lie that I had a large late lunch to pacify my father if he offers anything. I rather hope he'll be out with his sailing friends tonight, I don't want to face anyone in this state.

I've been lethargic to say the least, barely got off my ass all day unless I really had to. Didn't feel like gaming, didn't feel like doing anything really so have sat largely comatose in front of shite tv while playing round after round of spider solitaire on my laptop. It doesn't matter if I win or lose I just keep playing because it's automatic now, so simple and logical to just click through the game without caring about anything else. I should have gone to the library at least to take a book back, and booked an appointment at the doc's to sort my head out, but it all seemed just so pointless. It's been weeks since my last hope at getting a job and I've heard nothing back from them. The agency I signed up to, that offered free training and an almost assured position, they were meant to call with an interview date nearly a month ago. Why the fuck am I bothering? There's been nothing to even apply for in the last week, so by Monday when I have to go to the job centre that'll go tits up. Joy.

I am beginning to doubt I could even deal with a job in my current mental state, it's like a light turning on and off randomly in my head. When I feel good I feel great, like I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to, I feel energetic and determined to do things, I feel inspired and want to write......then it switches, with no trigger, no reason, and I feel like crying, I feel tired and either can't stay awake or can't fall asleep, I feel like the simplest things are virtually impossible and that there's no point to any of it anyway, I feel irritable even towards people who are only trying to be positive towards me and desperately want to get away from everyone and everything because I can't cope with the pressure of other people's emotions.....and then without warning it switches back again.

On top of this I'm worried about other people and their problems, which I can't really discuss here other than to say someone I care for deeply is so stressed right now it's making them seriously physically ill. I can't solve their problems for them and I'm finding it difficult convincing them to make the motions to help solve the problem for themselves. I hate myself for my own human limitations, I cannot control my own life let alone aid anyone else's.

And then there's this weekend. Tomorrow morning I leave for Dover with my dad and little sister to see family. If it wasn't for the fact I haven't been to see them for about 4years I would be backing out of it right now. I'm not looking forward to it, I doubt that I can cope with it and I'm wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do for 3days. The day I get back I'll be rushing to town to pick up some things then getting my ass to Blandford so we can go to Halloween night at the club. Fantastic, amazing, wonderful, if I panic again up there when I'm drinking it'll just end up making the whole thing worse for everyone.

I'm wondering how much longer I can keep going, half wishing every time I cross the road a car will come out of nowhere and strike me down, half hoping every time I board a bus it'll crash, still disappointed every time I wake up and see myself in the mirror and know I haven't changed...and the worst part is I don't know why I feel like that, and that the only possible cause is so deeply buried in my memory I'm terrified of bringing it all screaming out into the open because the last time I tried to face it I nearly lost myself forever to the insanity of my own mind. My past may have shaped me, but it left cracks that are tearing under the pressure of living each pointless day after the next. And I know how ridiculously over-dramatic whiny little emokid I sound, even to myself as I think these things but I'm powerless to take control of my own feelings, I am a slave to my emotions and they're working my knuckles to the bone.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Artful Vomiting

I've yet to write on the mcm expo, I'll get around to it soon enough. Right now I just felt like writing down a couple of my more recent inspirations. I've been writing again, up to 4 or 5 pieces in a day when I feel inspired, or I'll go weeks without writing. I've been writing for contests on AllPoetry (my personal page is here with my full back catalogue of shite), anyway I've been writing for contests for inspiration and challenge, and also written a couple of pieces out of the blue. Everything I have written recently has been of personal significance, so I thought a couple should make their way over here to this little corner while I sort my head out enough to write about more important and interesting things.

~~~

"SPEECHLESS"

When we first kissed,
It hung on the air like a distant piano's chord,
As beautiful and delicate as the northern lights.

When we first embraced,
It felt like a natural force pulling me in,
And the rest of the world was obscured from sight.

When we first spoke,
It seemed like an unstoppable fountain of words,
We could have talked for years in a night.

Now when we kiss,
It hangs on my lips like the sweetest taste,
The delightful addiction I don't want to fight.

Now when we embrace,
It feels like magnets holding each other in,
The warmth and affection when you hold me tight.

Now when we speak,
It seems I'm speechless and lost for words,
I feel so strongly, but I just can't say it right.

~~~

"FOOD"

I crave you, I hate you,
Tempting me, Taunting me,
Making my taste buds tingle Making my stomach churn
At the thought of you. At the sight of you.
I hunger for you I detest you
Even when I've eaten my fill. Even when I'm starving sick.

You're delicate, You're disgusting,
Beautiful lust, Saturated hate,
Laced with the finest tastes, Filled with slick oily fats,
My secret comfort. My hidden sin.

So hot and sweet, So warm and sickly,
Adorned with treacle lattice, Smothered in sticky sauces,
Served with smooth cream. Draped in liquid sin.
Teasing with a centre Oozing from your centre
Peeking from the side. The sickness that's inside.

~~~

This third piece is one I wrote for a contest, which was to create a dark story to a positive picture. Of the options there were, I chose this one.
"POSSESSION"

The sun shone down on golden fields
And burnt the maiden's skin.
She'd fallen into her prince's arms
As he had drawn her in.
Sweet and fair our maiden was,
Innocent and pure.
Darkened by the prince's touch,
And sickness beyond cure.

In the golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn.
Sweet lovers in the dawn,
By evening they were torn.

Pulling her towards him,
The prince, he stole her kiss.
Holding her too tightly,
She could not resist.
He'd woo'd her with his words
And brought her to this place,
Now the maiden was trapped,
Within love's tight embrace.

In golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn.
Sweet lovers in the dawn,
By evening she was torn.

All the maiden wanted
Was to free her loving heart,
But now this sweet possession
Was tearing her apart.
She reached up her slender hand
and grabbed him by the wrist.
She bit his lip and tasted blood
As she ended the unrelenting kiss.

In golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn.
Sweet lovers in the dawn,
By evening now forlorn.

The prince released the maiden,
And realised what he'd done.
Something so very precious,
Should never in haste be won.
He'd lost her now to darkness,
As night came closing in.
The maiden left him on his knees,
For what was, should not have been.

In golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn,
So naive at dawn,
The maiden was reborn.

~~~

Anyway, I'm off to work out if I'm feeling insomnia tonight or if I'm just that tired I can't tell anymore....
Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Stress, Panick and Food

I still haven't caught up with those few middling weeks but things are getting to me too much to have the time to sit here and write it all out. See, yesterday Dan had his hospital appointment in Dorchester because the leg he broke years ago hasn't healed properly and has been hurting for a while. His sister Claire and her boyfriend Tristan took us all up and after the appointment we went in to the local market.

I've never been a big fan of shopping, particularly when I have no money in places where there's nothing interesting anyway, but it was a nice-ish day and with good company so I didn't really mind. Then after a while I just started feeling low, and it kept getting lower and I wasn't able to control how I felt or hide it either. We were heading for lunch but by the time we got there a few minutes later my appetite had gone and my mood had sunk so quickly and intensely...I declined food until about the tenth time in a row when Dan practically ordered for me, by which time I was in tears with no idea why and couldn't stop it.

My instinct right there and then was the overpowering urge to leave, to run in the opposite direction and stop causing problems for the people I was with. Dan was distressed because he didn't know why and I can't tell him yet, he felt like people would think it was his fault I was upset which made me feel even worse for affecting him and not being able to control it. It took sitting down and breathing deeply to eventually let it pass.

Looking back at it later it was really more like a panic attack, I got low and then wanted to be alone so I wouldn't make anyone else feel bad, but I didn't have that choice, I had no way of hiding how I felt and it escalated into feeling trapped and panicking. Something similar happened when we were at the cinema getting snacks before going in. There's no trigger, nothing causing it, I can only assume it's the repressed memory and emotion getting too much and breaking out when I least expect it to. It doesn't seem to happen as much on my own, because I feel in control on my own and don't have to worry about anyone else. I'm worried now when it might happen again, because there's no warning, no reason, and it all happens so fast it's devastating and the more it happens around Dan the worse he'll feel. I am concerned it'll happen Saturday in London, but I'm hoping it'll be ok. I'll go to the gp soon, get a referral and sort my head out before it gets any worse.

The other thing I'm concerned about right now is appetite. One week I'll be hungry all the time, or eat even if I'm not hungry, and the next I'll have no want for food at all, barely eating only when it becomes extremely uncomfortable not to. There'll be days when I only have a sandwich and a glass of milk and barely even want that, others I'll get through double breakfast, a big lunch, cooked dinner, and be snacking every hour or even half hour sometimes and still not feel full or satisfied. Today I've had....a pint of milk and a hot chocolate. Oh. Woops. Another thing I'm just not in control of right now.

BrainVomit - Money, Trust, Honesty and The NeverEnding Past

I haven't written in a while. I started some blogging offline but haven't finished them, so I guess they'll have to wait. What's on my mind right now is a bit of a combination of things that are troubling me.


~~~~~~~Money~~~~~~~
The first and most obvious is my continued lack of employment. I have to rely on other people to pay for things if I want to do much at all, which although is nice when people offer I just don't like it because I feel a bit like my ex and the way that he used to make me feel obliged to buy him things, even when he didn't directly ask for them I felt it was expected of me to offer and he would get upset, disappointed, or angry if I didn't buy him things or pay for him to go places. This was to the extent that to protect him from a little bit of aggro at stopping going to the jobcentre I was paying his rent that was supposed to come out of his JSA even when I wasn't living there, at the time it was beyond my comprehension not to and to force him to go back to the jobcentre or actually look for one and apply. So now, I feel like by agreeing to go out to say the cinema or somewhere when I can't afford it I'm pushing someone else into paying, even if it was their idea and they offered to pay from the outset.

I'm also concerned about an upcoming trip to London. I desperately want to see the friends I adore but the costs are so high I fear if they go up again I won't be able to make it and will be letting them down and missing out. The train tickets I need were just £20 return the other week, but the day after I checked the prices, when i actually had the money to get them, the price had risen to £45. If these cheaper tickets sell too before I can afford to get them when my JSA comes through on Thursday there's no way it can be done. As it is, the £45 is nearly a week's worth of money gone as I only have £100 per fortnight, then it's another £15 for the ticket, and I'll probably need to take £5 for some food and drink at some point. It's all well and good taking my own but I'll be leaving at 6am and getting home around midnight, I can't really carry that much around all day. So that's £65. I then need another £20, per week, for bus fares just to be able to see Dan and get around town and to the job centre when I need to go, and for interviews if I ever get one of those. Which takes me up to £105. Bugger. But then even after that I need some essentials, like treatment for the headlice we caught from Dan's neices, another £12 at least to do all of my hair, then retaxing and MOT'ing my bike soon so I can stop using the buses and get that on the road which includes getting address changes on all the paperwork, at least another £100....so what I need for the next fortnight for the basics, not counting food or being able to go out anywhere other than Dan's house and my own is £152, and that's before adding the Expo into this. I can't afford anything, I'll have to leave the bike of the road, miss out on seeing Dan, who's the only one keeping me happy most of the time, for at least a week, and just get 7days of bus fares and treatment for my hair and go to London for that one day of enjoyment between stressing constantly about money. I hope I enjoy it and don't get depressed again or it'll be such a waste. I adore my friends and miss them dearly but if I'm miserable I might as well be miserable at home with a few pennies to keep me going.


~~~~~~~Trust~~~~~~~
The second thing that worries me is that although I adore Dan, I'm just speechless to even begin telling him. I can tell him he's appreciated, show him affection, but when it comes to the words...I can't do it. I trust him, he means that much to me and that I know for sure, but it's the self doubt and lack of self confidence piled upon me by all my past relationships with men. I mean, realistically, my first boyfriend (at the admittedly late age of 16) cheated on me. My second was unintentionally neglectful, and was unable to cope with my troubled feelings at the time (the worst point in my depression mostly). My third I'm fairly sure cheated too, and dumped me because of my own personal problems which I was trying to overcome. Moreover, he ditched when he was drunk and I was so ill I could barely stand and had the nerve to ask me for "one last time"< AFTER dumping me, when I was just too ill, upset and confused to say "no, go fuck yourself" and instead rolled over to satisfy his needs like an obedient dog while neglecting my own as usual. This then lead on to my longest relationship which was, although good at first, soon filled with arguments, mistrust, paranoia, posessiveness, isolation, depression, alcoholism, and whether intentionally or not a whole coctail of emotional, psychological and physical abuse. Getting free of that relationship left me free and liberated with renewed confidence, and for some reason still willing to trust. I then stupidly misplaced that trust in the first thing that looked good and ended up being lied to, rejected, and scorned, by a person who was adamant I had admitted feelings to them which I did not have and would never have spoken for that very reason. So now I can't say it, I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Whether it'll be something I say or do, which with my eternal guilt complex is more than likely (I have to try and stop mysel apologising every 2 minutes, I often think or feel most things are my fault even if I had nothing to do with them), or if he ends up hurting me in some way whether intentionally or not. I'm terrified of being clingy, I'm petrified of letting go, I'm just trying to keep some sort of balance to the insanity of the whole thing.

~~~~~~~Honesty and the NeverEnding Past~~~~~~~
This final stress is the one causing me most worry, the thing that keeps me laying there awake an hour after Dan's gone to sleep, giving me nightmares and waking me up throughout the night leaving me drained in the morning and feeling like I may as well not have bothered going to sleep in the first place for all the good it did. To put it simply and bluntly, without going in to much detail, I didn't have a very good time growing up. I've been reading a book over the last week (which I finished today) that has helped to put certain things into perspective for me, and has made me realise for all my trying to believe the past is behind me it really isn't. It's the cause, whether conscious or not, for the random outbursts of depression. I could be in a perfectly normal happy situation, no triggers at all to make me feel bad, but suddenly I feel completely crushed, very unhappy, tearful sometimes too which makes me feel worse because I know that it brings down the mood of those around me. What's more difficualt is not being able to explain why I feel that way. It usually doesn't make sense to me either. It's just all of a sudden I feel bad, nothing is enjoyable and I don't know what I want or what would make me feel better, and a lot of the time I feel like just running away and being alone just so I'm not making others feel worse.

Even right now typing this, the fingertips on my left hand have gone stone cold, my palm and the base of my fingers are warm but the tips are like ice and painful to boot. It's one of the ways I notice when I'm stressed, it's a common medical phenomenon that causes the blood vessels in the extremities (nose, fingertips, toes) to constrict, which makes them feel cold and often change colour to brighter red or even a more bluey purpley hue. I'm wearing 2 pairs of warm socks and my toes are absolutely frozen numb. It's not cold in here, so there's no other reason for it. Just realised my nose too has followed suit to a chilled temperature. Oh dear.

Anyway, physical symptoms aside, it's these emotional problems that I'm still struggling with. Admittedly, I have nothing like the problems I used to when I was in my late teens (amnesic dissociation, depression, extreme mood swings bordering on manic depression, flashbacks) but the lower level issues (chronic fatigue, periods of depression, problems with food and appetite, general anxiety, low level paranoia) are returning and I fear the rest may follow if I'm not able to deal with the root of the problem soon. Through reading the book I've realised that all of this can be attributed to the same things, and that without accepting, acknowledging and properly recovering I won't really be able to lead the life that I want. Bottling things up, keeping them hidden, putting a face on, none of these things really work and it's about time I stopped doing them, because at the end of the day they'll only do more harm than good.

So in comes honesty, and to a large extent trust also. Do I need to tell the man I care about everything that's going on? I've been left for it before, and don't want him to leave but then wouldn't want him to stay just because I'm considering going back to therapy. Does he need to know? Would he want to know? In knowing the darker parts of my past would he think less of me, or in keeping them from him would he distrust my lack of openness with him? A rather irrational thought that has crossed my mind is should I leave him now and save him the burden if I get worse and save myself the pain if he can't help me or be there when I need him? Would telling him make him feel bad about his own life or would the burden of my own problems push him down as it has me? Even if I decide to tell him how on earth am I supposed to introduce the subject?

Either way, I've decided to somehow persue a solution to my past. It can't be changed but it can be overcome, by facing it head on and kicking it in the nuts. The difference between now and the last time I sought professional help is that now I'm old enough to deal with it, when before I was young, afraid, and having panic attacks every time I stepped foot in the building to see the psychiatrist. This time, I'm prepared, hopefully all will go well, even if it has to get worse before it gets better.

BrainVomit - Change of Luck, Dependance, and Radio Silence

Today my luck took an odd lot of shifting. I woke up to the phone ringing, and shortly after got the message saying I could go in or the scan today if I called them back to confirm. So I did so and got it booked for 1:45pm. They asked me to get there for between 1:15 and 1:30 so I had a relaxed morning, a long bath, and planned the bus I'd need to catch.

I walked down in time for the bus, but after 5minutes it hadn't arrived. I guessed it had gone by early and figured I'd still have time to get the next one as they come at 10minute intervals anyway. The time for the next bus came, and went by again, when it was 5mins late for that one I was at panic stage - if I missed the scan appointment there'd be a long wait for the next one and I'd be wasting time someone else could have needed. Luckily, a different bus came by and I got to town centre just in time to hop on the next bus to the hospital. I wasoriginally going to walk to save money but I bought a return ticket because quite frankly walking is still rather uncomfortable.

I got there in time, and after checking in at the dest I was sat waiting for about 25minutes before I was wheeled down to the right department. I could have walked but I guess it was easier that way and I didn't have to figure out directions for myself. They dropped me off and I was shown to a cubicle to go for the old gown combo. Another 30mins of waiting and they had the paperwork they were waiting for and I went in for the scan. It was an ultrasound across the veins to locate any potential clots in there. Thankfully they found none and after changing back and another wait I was wheeled back upstairs. Another while of waiting and I was seen by the DVT doc who reaffirmed the scan showed all clear and that I was free to go but had no insight as to what was causing the continued pain. The only advice I was given was go home and if it continues go back to the GP again. Great. So it's probably another "stress related" thing, known as an act of god in some circles, or in others simply one of the world's more annoying mysteries.

So that's it, there's no big problem but it's still intensely painful to walk anywhere and by the end of the day I can't even wiggle my toes without pain shooting through the muscle. Fantastic. I would probably be more relaxed if they'd found a clot because at least then it could be treated, get better, and I wouldn't look/feel like a hypochondriac lunatic.

The other thing getting to me today is that I miss Dan. It's not just that I miss him so much as right now I really want to hear from him. It's crazy, I'm not normally this dependant, but there's been so much stress over the past couple of days...and though I now don't have to worry about any more painful jabs or trips to the hosp I'm feeling lower than ever. Sometimes I feel like I want nothing more than to talk to friends, be around them, stuf like that, but I don't want to be moaning about problems or focussing on them. I used to be that whiney depressed one in the corner and I feel like I'm going that way again which is not what I want. At least here it's easier to sit in the background without dragging anyone else down with me.

I wish I was tired enough to go to sleep so I could just wake up in a day or so time when I can see people again, I'm sick of being so lonely with nothing to do but fill in endless forms applying for soul-crushingly pointless jobs I'm overqualified for and looking at the empty space where not even rejection letters fall. It does have a funny way of making a person feel entirely useless when they don't even get a reply from a ridiculous shop job with training provided when they have a ton of experience in the role and plenty of good grades behind that too.

To pass the time I've been trying to make a level on LBP, building my own rocket powered rollercoaster. It's not as easy as I'd hoped, and the frustration is depressing me more. I'm tempted to just go for some Fallout 3 to kill time until I can sleep again but all I want is to hear from the person I care most about. He's probably run out of credit or gone to sleep after long day at work, so I'm not paranoid about it or anything silly like that, I just miss him now. I didn't realise how dependant I've become on his presence and words to lift my mood. Maybe it's not even so much dependance, as just how low I feel now I crave that which makes me happiest.

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~

When did it happen? When did missing you turn from a distant apathy to a longing for just one more kiss, one moment in your arms... I'm holding my breath waiting or just one word, because tonight any word will do as long as it comes from you.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Seriously? Anything Else Want to Fuck Up?!

So that leg cramp. I went to the doctors this morning and after a wait of about 40mins to be seen in "open surgery". One short appointment and long phone call later and he was sending me off to the hospital with a letter for a blood test for DVT. Dan was waiting outside for me, ready to catch the bus to town so he could get the next one to Blannie in time for his shift at work. He got me a return ticket and we parted at the station, leaving me a 15 minute slow shamble to the hospital.

I was there for about 45mins before I got the blood test, which was bad enough. I hate needles, never been good with them, and for the first time having this lot of blood taken made me hot, dizzy and sick. Not fun. After some further examination I was given some water and asked to come back in about an hour and a half for the results. Great, more walking with a painful leg. Fantastic.

Went slowly to town and wandered about, got lunch and sat for a while. Bumped into a couple of mates and talked a few mins before slowly ambling back to the hospital. Another 35 minute wit after the given time and I had results. The test was for the signs of possible deep vein thrombosis. Though they wouldn't give a full diagnosis, if negative it would rule out DVT as a possibility, meaning it is more likely a muscle pull or strain.

Well, tests came back positive. The next step is to confirm presence of a clot with a scan, which has been booked for Tuesday. Until then though, treatment starts immediately. They do this as a precaution, no clot no harm done but if there is one and it's left untreated there's a lot more risk if it moves to heart or lung. Not much choice really. Thing is the treatment at the start is daily injections at the hospital, just what a needle-phobic wants to hear.

Had the first one there and then. It has to go in the stomach for various reasons, and thankfully the jab itself I barely felt, but it was after it hurt like hell. See, the stuff they inject is fairly oily which causes a hot stinging burning sensation, like a nasty bee sting. Lasted a good couple hours, and I had to sit and drink water right after because I felt suddenly sick and dizzy again. Most likely stress but still not pleasant at all and I have this to look forward to daily until at least Tuesday, or longer if the scan shows a clot.

Of course all this is just adding to the stress and depression, along with news my stepdad's lung has reinflated but still leaking into his chest cavity. Hopefully should heal and be out by friday but it's still worrying. I'm just hitting a high on stress and a low on mood now, and dreading the next jab to the belly-flab. Maybe I'll just play lbp and fallout 3 until I fall asleep. :( not like this jobless loser has anything better to do with her time than waste it.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Bad Luck Becomes Ridiculous

When does luck stop becoming luck and turn in to a complete and utter joke? I'm wondering if I've inadvertantly pissed off a gypsy or accidentally done what Svetlana did in NightWatch and cursed myself. Woops. Goodness knows, but I'm getting a little sick of it now.

So not only have I lost 2 beloved pets in as many weeks, but I've had recurring and utterly splitting headaches that are just not affected by painkillers, sleep, drinking more or any of the traditional cures, I've had a cramp in my leg since yesterday which is making walking nigh on impossible because the pain gets so intense so quickly. Last night I had all the painkillers I could, rubbed some anti-inflammatory gel into it and still when I went to bed it was so painful I couldn't even literally pick my leg up and lift it without it hurting more. Because of that today has been largely wasted indoors on Little Big Planet because the idea of walking to and from the bus stop and sitting in a cinema for a couple of hours if it caused it to really flare up.

On top of this mum called this afternoon to say that my stepdad went in to hospital this morning with a collapsed lung from the lingering emphicema at the top of his chest. It's being drained and he should be out tomorrow all being well, but I'm still worried about mum knowing she's running to and from the hospital and trying to catch up on the work she's missed today at home. I've never really seen eye to eye with Dave either but I guess these days we get along well enough. It's just that one more bit of stress that I really don't need.

It seems like I should be happy with the other things around me but I'm continually becoming more and more dragged down by this re-occurence of depression . It's starting to make me moody and I don't like that at all. I don't even know what to write now, I'm sat next to Dan who's attempting to build a level on LBP. Maybe I should just help that effort instead. :s

BrainVomit - A Long Time, Relapse, and Staring Right In The Face Of It.

I've not written in a while. A lot of the reason for that is always being out, being away, spending time anywhere but at home in this small room with only a console and this small screen for company. I'm not even going to attempt to cover the entirety of the time missed out in the middle as I usually do but will attempt instead a brief (hah) summary of the important changes and events.

I've had a run of abysmal luck, and to be honest it has begun to affect me in odd moments of depressive relapse. See, depression isn't something you can ever truly get rid of, only stave it off for as long as you can before it comes back then try to fight it back again when it does. One of the worst things about it is when you have it you become intensely aware of how much of a whiney twat you must sound like to everyone else and how much it brings down the moods of those around you also. It's difficult also to often know why it occurs, whether it's just a build up of stress and minor annoyances swallowed back and bottled up so long it just boils over into a brief meltdown until enough pressure is released to put the lid back on, or whether it's the effect of repressing those bad times in life for so long that you almost forget them, then remember them all suddenly and find it difficult to forget. Sometimes, it's just like feeling bad when you have no real reason to. Either way the problem itself causes an almost complete psychological inability to feel happy despite all things that would normally make you happy or cheer you up. It's not because you don't want to feel happy, you just simply can't.

Sometimes, when this happens, you get the feeling like you want to be alone, like all the attentions and affections of friends are too overbearing, but then when you are alone all the bad feelings are intensified because there's nothing there to distract you from feeling that way. Personally, I often seek solace simply because I can't stand to bring down the people around me. Much as they may say it's ok, they don't mind, they'd rather help, and much as I may believe that also, it's just that bit more crushing to know how you feel is making others feel worse when you are so completely powerless to change it. But anyway, enough rambling on that, let's cover some lost time instead. But maybe this will help explain some of the things that follow, I'm not sure, I can't say I'm entirely thinking straight today so I apologise for any resulting sporadic subject changes.

I left off the day before I was to say the final goodbye to my most beloved pet of, well, all my life. I drove to Blandford almost automatically, but was running late by the time I got to the meeting place. Mum wasn't annoyed though, she understood and I had let her know the roads were a nightmare getting down so that was one bit I could relax about. We talked in the car nearly all the way to Gillingham.

When we arrived I just wanted to see Tosca, to know how bad she really was and if we were making the best decision. I'd seen her going downhill over the last year but from what I'd heard over the last 2 days the steady descent had hit a sudden sharp decline. I saw her wandering in to the kitchen, she was wobbling on her back legs, looking more untidy than ever (which is a big thing with cats, you always know they're seriously ill when they stop washing and get tangled fur) and though she happily tucked in to her dinner of raw liver which she'd been having all week there was something wrong, she kept looking a little confused. I sat down and had a cup of tea to talk to mum and my stepdad, Dave, and the cat wandered off upstairs to sleep. Her bed had been taken down as we didn't expect her to go back up but she was happy to lay on the carpet in her usual place under the radiator even without the soft comfort of the folded up old dog pillow.

I spent a good deal of time up there with her, talking to her, stroking her, listening to her sweet purr and thinking about all the times we'd spent together. Mum came upstairs after a while and we went to look at some old photos while she rested, the time ever counting down to the dreaded hour. She opened a box of jumbled photos and the first one we found was this one. It was like it was just meant to be.

Shortly after we found a few more lurking around. The first 2 were from when we'd just brought her home, I was 4 years old. She saw me through everything in my life, the good times and the bad, and was the only one who ever truly loved me for exactly who I was. Whenever I was ill she'd spend the whole day curled up with me, whenever I felt sad she'd come to me with a purr and her signature headbutting kiss to the nose. We understood each other on a level so pure I don't think I'll ever have a connection like that with anyone or anything else. It was something completely different.

Seeing her as she was though, it was difficult to think of her the same. She was confused, she would get up for a drink, have a few sips, then move to curl up again but then look baffled and turn around to drink more, then decide to lay down again. It was painful to watch just how bad she was but comforting to know it had only happened over the last 2 days and that she was still purring and able to be happy to see me still. I took some video of her, realising I didn't have any and knowing I'd want to keep some memory of her.

When the dreaded hour came we had our one final cuddle and I eased her into the box on a blanket. she was confused and unhappy and it was the hardest thing ever to take her in the car on my lap, hearing her meowing in protest to the movement and knowing where we had to go. Knowing it was the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier. I cried an awful lot that day, but she died looking at me with my hand stroking her as the injection too effect and she slowly eased down for that last sleep. I guess in some ways it was easier knowing that I'd done it before for another of my beloved pets many a year ago and had seen the process also while doing work experience in a vet. It was disappointing that the vet hadn't been briefed and happily asked us what he could do for her when we came in but I guess in a busy clinic not all notes are passed on. It would have been easier if he had seen her before too but I guess that's how it goes. I made one request, for a clipping of her fur, and agreed with mum that she would be cremated seperately so I could have her ashes when they came back. That night I went back to Dan's in Blandford, and he somehow manaed to console me and make me feel better.

There were other photos we came across in those boxes though, ones I havent uploaded. Again from when I was very young, there was one of myself and my half brother Ali, my dad's son, who died a few years ago in circumstances that were never made clear to me. Also we found a picture of my gramp, who died when I was about 7, holding me when I was just a baby. When I was alone again it brought home some more of those feelings of loss and confusion, and the bad feeling of never bein told what went on. I'd always been left to assume gramp died of kidney failure, because he'd already had one of them removed and nobody told me otherwise, but it wasn't so long ago that someone told me he actually had heart disease and died of a heart attack in his sleep. As for Ali, well if anyone knows what really happened they never told me. He was hit by a train, but it's the circumstances that are unclear. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years, not since he'd left dad's after many a row and gone to live with his mum instead. Turned out he was living in a tent in her garden and was involved in drugs somehow. No idea on specifics, like what it was or if he just used them or did more than that, because nobody thought it important to tell me. But it leaves open the question how did it happen, his friends seemed to think it sudden and there's always questions when drus are involved as to whether it was an accident or suicide or if it was just meant to look that way. His uncle, Ian, who I'd seen a fair few times in my childhood when he lived in Poole and we visited them, told my mum at the time he'd be in touch if he found any more details, but she never heard anything back from him. I'm assuming if dad knew anything it would quite probably be too hard for him to bring it up now. But there it is, the persistence of loss affecting my mind.

The few weeks between then and now have been relatively uneventful, so I'll try to be brief about the few occurences of mild interest. One Saturday, Wez was leaving for Uni and having one last night out at the club, and on the same night April was having a birthday do at the pub. We went to the pub first to wish her well and made arrangements to go to the club with Zac and Emski after. It was an anything goes fancy dress night with the annual awards going out at midnight (best theme attendance, best dancer, most loyal customer etc). I went in my bo peep outfit as I assumed Wez would use the excuse to go as a sheep. The others with me didn't bother really, Dan wasn't interested in it much and had to work the next day and the other 2 didn't care. It was a shame, it can be fun to go all out for these.
We got there, and Wez had gone all out as supersheep of Worms fame, but nobody else had really bothered much. Unfortunately the night didn't go well for me. I'd had one pint at the pub, but didn't have any money for more so had mostly sobered while getting to the club. The slow sobering while awake tends to make me feel a bit down anyway.

I'd hoped Dan would take the hint and remember his offer to buy me a couple while we were there but he returned from the bar with a pint for himself, and we all just sat in the corner. The music wasn't catching me that night, the mix was a bit rubbish, so we were talking. Dan fell asleep on me and I slowly realised I just wasn't talking to anyone and was staring at the ceiling instead. I got given a free drink ticket at one point so I went for a shot of chilled Jager hoping it would perk me up a little but it really didn't.

The whole time we were there I knew Dan just wanted to be home sleeping but had come along for my sake so I could say goodbye to Wez before he left for Uni land. Zac and Emski kept dropping not to subtle hints too - "we're fine to leave whenever, if you want to go early just let us know". I was interested in seeing who won the awards, because I figured one of my mates had to get one for something, so I wanted to wait until midnight when they said they'd do them. Instead I felt so pressured by everyone and with then sobering up from the Jager the depression really started to set in. It wasn't helped by the fact I still felt guilty for accidentally elbowing Dan in the nose a few days previous which had made it a bit uncomfortable for him, but then while he was sleeping on me Chrispy thought it funny to shove a strip of cigarette filters up his nose waking him up annoyed and in pain. At that point I just wanted out so I went outside and stood out there until I felt too cold and had to come back in.

I didn't want to be stuck around feeling bad about bringing everyone down, and not even having fun, while constantly being reminded that everyone I was with wanted to leave and were pushing me towards it further and further. By 11:50pm I got pissed off, I'd had enough of the unsubtle hinting and constant feeling like crap, it was obvious there was no longer any point me being there even as a token gesture so I just said fine fuck it you all want to leave so badly let's just go there's no point staying any more anyway. I'd been in and outside anyway trying to be alone but a couple of times people just happened to find me there and said they wouldn't leave until I told them what's wrong so I just walked away from them. I feel bad for that, it was not the kindest choice, but I couldn't take their company and didn't want to lash out at them. I'd asked them nicely to go, and it seemed the better option to just leave myself and get away.

I made arrangements to see Wez on the Thursday before he left in Blannie, and we ended up spending the day together there just wandering about, hanging out, talking and the like, and playing hangman in the pub over a couple pints of coke. That was a much better way to say farewell, and I apologised for being that way on the saturday but I realise now I was just trying to do too much when it would have been good enough to just say no and stay home.

Another week I've missed in this blog was when Dan's mum went on holiday for a week, leaving us to look after the house and cat. I brought over my PS3 and we set it up downstairs so I'd have something to do while he was at work in the day some days. It seemed pointless me going home in the day when there was a free house and I would only be doing the same thing there. one night I cooked us both lamb steak with veg and mash, which was nice because I hadn't cooked for him before and he liked it.

Another day that week he made plans to go to "camera club". I had no idea what this was only that he'd been before a long time ago (when he still had long hair) and had one of his photos in a book, I think it was this one or something similar.

Anywho, he'd arranged to go there, I was feeling a bit out of sorts and he didn't really explain what it was or what to expect, just that it doesn't happen often and that he'd been asked to go there by the one whose book he was in. His sister was supposed to be there with the kids too, but that's all I knew. We had to get a taxi to some local village town hall, and we turned up to see a line of people with cameras sitting down, and someone taking photos of Dan's sister while her boyfriend and the kids were sat over in the corner. We went to join them and I ended up with one of the kids sat on my lap while they waited. The kids went up for photos next, together and individually, and it seemed that photographers were choosing who they wanted to get pictures of and taking a few different shots of them. One thing I forgot to mention was I didn't have anything smart to wear, and wasn't expecting it, so was ready to go in denim skirt and a tshirt when Dan suggested I change. I ended up in my jeans and one of his smart shirts. I didn't feel myself and was already feeling down and more than a bit self conscious but he was insistent we had a nice photo together so I thought well what's the harm in that.

When the kids had had a load of photos we were the only ones left really so Dan went over and they sat us down together. It seemed like nobody was interested in taking any photos and I was exceptionally uncomfortable faking a smile in an uncomfortable chair feeling so intensely self conscious. I'm not confident, and I don't like the way I look, it wasn't the way I'd normally plan an evening but I was there for him. When a few snaps had been taken of us together I got up and Dan had a lot of solo shots taken by several photographers requesting him. I was stood at the side watching, holding his glasses or coat when needed, and all the while feeling so insignificant next to him. I'm not complaining really, it's something I've come to accept that when I'm with him I'll always be standin in the shadow of his confidence, his charm, and his popularity. I'm just not that person, and trying to be would be lying to myself. Of course, I try to be confident, I strive to improve myself and make more friends and the like but I'll never be at his level. It's just not who I am. I'm a doormat, submissive and happy letting people make the decisions most of the time. I get walked over a lot...

Anyway, not much else exciting has happened other than the aforementioned. I finally got an interview for a job, and didn't get it. The unemployment factor is starting to really get to me now. I am penniless and feel useless, always having to rely on someone else to pay if I want to do anything interesting with them. At first, it seemed ok, I didn't think it would be for long so it was like a holiday from the constant working previous and with the rest of my life upside down it was do-able. Then I had the enthusiastic prospects of university, which fell through like most of my other dreams. Then came the prospect of the job I went for the interview for. Youth work in Bournemouth, finally doing something useful, starting on the right path, but there were 9 jobs going and 35 of us in interview. Everyone else was either working in youth work already or had a degree, it's amazing I got that far really from the 80 people that applied but I was still bitterly disappointed by the rejection letter. Now I'm back to applying for shitty unfulfilling jobs in retail because I have all my experience there, and still despite the many years experience, good qualifications, etc etc, I still don't even get any rejection letters let alone interviews. It's ridiculous and depressing. It's no wonder I'm feeling dragged back down in to it now.

The only thing that makes me feel better really is being with Dan, knowing I have that one bit of security and certainty in my life. I care about my friends dearly and they do cheer me up sometimes but most of them feel so far away now, I miss them. But you know even though there is that best part of my life I am still constantly terrified I'll fuck up somehow, in fact I was convinced I had in those 2 days, the camera club thing and that night at Sound Circus, I felt like I'd really messed up. I keep thinking I mess up all the time over stupid little things, maybe I'm just that scared of losing something so good and precious to me, but I can't even bring myself to tell him how I really feel because of the fear of rejection and humiliation recently instilled into me by certain events. I know it's completely illogical to be like that but since when have emotions had any kind of logic to them?

Anyway, there is one more thing to mention before I go. Staring right in the face of death, that ever persistant loss strikes once more. I came home the other morning to find Dad pulling at the arm of the sofa the way he does when he's stressed about something, and soon after he told me Carrie, one of our cats, had been run over by a car some time in the late night or early morning. He'd had the knock on the door in the morning and had just finished burying her in the corner of the garden not long before I came in. He'd had her for about 12 or more years, and was very close to her. I was too of course though probably not as much as he was. We got a little upset together and I made us both a cup of tea. He later went out sailing, sometimes you just have to carry on as usual. The cat, Carrie, we'd had from a kitten with her brother Barry. The 2 of them always used to sleep together, curled up paws wrapped around each other all snuggled up. They were incredibly close. The other cat, Zoe, wasn't as bothered because we'd got her later (and her brother Jerry who had to be rehomed a few years ago because he was too antisocial with the other cats) . But then, when we first moved here, when she came out of the box Zoe was a bit scared, and mewed a bit. When she went to Carrie, she washed her head in a very motherly way which nobody very expected from those 2. Zoe pined a bit that morning, sitting by the window mewing. Barry spent the whole day laying next to me on the bed, and for once not being a complete nuisance clawing at the keyboard or sitting on things I was using. You can say animals are stupid but you're wrong, they're far too intelligent, they just want you to keep thinking they don't know anything so they can bend you to what they want. When I went to Dan's that night, his cat Tigger mewed at his door at night and spent the entire night asleep on my chest. She kept waking me up by kissing and rubbing around my face then settling down again but I think it was her way of letting me know she was still there. Dan tried to put his arm around me while half asleep too but Tigger bit it as if to say "no, not tonight, that's where I'm laying". She was with us all last night too, which was the second night since it happened. Now I'm at home and it feels that bit emptier, haven't seen Barry all day but I'm in tonight so hopefully will cuddle him more then. He'll be lonely as he realises she's gone.

So where are we today? I'm sat here wondering when I should get up and get lunch, Dan's coming here tonight to stay because he has tomorrow off and finishes early enough today to get the bus here. I'm probably going to just play Fallout 3 for a while, tidy up a bit and wait for him to arrive. Dad's home because he was ill yesterday, though he seems to be feeling a bit better as he just swapped over the broken dishwasher for the on in the garage and is presumably fixing it up now before doing some other job around the house. I guess I should just carry on as usual, wasting my life with no other option but to sit here and try to stay entertained.

~~~~~~~ Thoughts of the weeks... ~~~~~~~

With the persistance of loss forcing me to stare in the face of death, I begin to see the frailty of my own life and the futility of perservering weighs heavily on my mind with only one who can help ease the burden with something as simple as a smile. But then, sometimes, my worst enemy is the return of my memories. If only I could forget all that came before, all that shaped me into this disfigured fool staring into a carnival mirror trying to make sense of the world.