BrainVomit - Stress, Panick and Food

I still haven't caught up with those few middling weeks but things are getting to me too much to have the time to sit here and write it all out. See, yesterday Dan had his hospital appointment in Dorchester because the leg he broke years ago hasn't healed properly and has been hurting for a while. His sister Claire and her boyfriend Tristan took us all up and after the appointment we went in to the local market.

I've never been a big fan of shopping, particularly when I have no money in places where there's nothing interesting anyway, but it was a nice-ish day and with good company so I didn't really mind. Then after a while I just started feeling low, and it kept getting lower and I wasn't able to control how I felt or hide it either. We were heading for lunch but by the time we got there a few minutes later my appetite had gone and my mood had sunk so quickly and intensely...I declined food until about the tenth time in a row when Dan practically ordered for me, by which time I was in tears with no idea why and couldn't stop it.

My instinct right there and then was the overpowering urge to leave, to run in the opposite direction and stop causing problems for the people I was with. Dan was distressed because he didn't know why and I can't tell him yet, he felt like people would think it was his fault I was upset which made me feel even worse for affecting him and not being able to control it. It took sitting down and breathing deeply to eventually let it pass.

Looking back at it later it was really more like a panic attack, I got low and then wanted to be alone so I wouldn't make anyone else feel bad, but I didn't have that choice, I had no way of hiding how I felt and it escalated into feeling trapped and panicking. Something similar happened when we were at the cinema getting snacks before going in. There's no trigger, nothing causing it, I can only assume it's the repressed memory and emotion getting too much and breaking out when I least expect it to. It doesn't seem to happen as much on my own, because I feel in control on my own and don't have to worry about anyone else. I'm worried now when it might happen again, because there's no warning, no reason, and it all happens so fast it's devastating and the more it happens around Dan the worse he'll feel. I am concerned it'll happen Saturday in London, but I'm hoping it'll be ok. I'll go to the gp soon, get a referral and sort my head out before it gets any worse.

The other thing I'm concerned about right now is appetite. One week I'll be hungry all the time, or eat even if I'm not hungry, and the next I'll have no want for food at all, barely eating only when it becomes extremely uncomfortable not to. There'll be days when I only have a sandwich and a glass of milk and barely even want that, others I'll get through double breakfast, a big lunch, cooked dinner, and be snacking every hour or even half hour sometimes and still not feel full or satisfied. Today I've had....a pint of milk and a hot chocolate. Oh. Woops. Another thing I'm just not in control of right now.