These last couple of days have been particularly low. Don't ask me why I don't have a clue, but I woke up this morning disappointed to have woken up at all. Yesterday all I had to eat was some pancakes I forced myself to have for lunch, the rest of the time I wasn't bothered by food or hunger at all. Today, pretty much the same, I forced down some sausages and tried to cheer myself up with a couple of toasted waffles but it felt like it took a lot of effort to eat. I know I probably won't have anything else tonight, use the same lie that I had a large late lunch to pacify my father if he offers anything. I rather hope he'll be out with his sailing friends tonight, I don't want to face anyone in this state.
I've been lethargic to say the least, barely got off my ass all day unless I really had to. Didn't feel like gaming, didn't feel like doing anything really so have sat largely comatose in front of shite tv while playing round after round of spider solitaire on my laptop. It doesn't matter if I win or lose I just keep playing because it's automatic now, so simple and logical to just click through the game without caring about anything else. I should have gone to the library at least to take a book back, and booked an appointment at the doc's to sort my head out, but it all seemed just so pointless. It's been weeks since my last hope at getting a job and I've heard nothing back from them. The agency I signed up to, that offered free training and an almost assured position, they were meant to call with an interview date nearly a month ago. Why the fuck am I bothering? There's been nothing to even apply for in the last week, so by Monday when I have to go to the job centre that'll go tits up. Joy.
I am beginning to doubt I could even deal with a job in my current mental state, it's like a light turning on and off randomly in my head. When I feel good I feel great, like I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to, I feel energetic and determined to do things, I feel inspired and want to write......then it switches, with no trigger, no reason, and I feel like crying, I feel tired and either can't stay awake or can't fall asleep, I feel like the simplest things are virtually impossible and that there's no point to any of it anyway, I feel irritable even towards people who are only trying to be positive towards me and desperately want to get away from everyone and everything because I can't cope with the pressure of other people's emotions.....and then without warning it switches back again.
On top of this I'm worried about other people and their problems, which I can't really discuss here other than to say someone I care for deeply is so stressed right now it's making them seriously physically ill. I can't solve their problems for them and I'm finding it difficult convincing them to make the motions to help solve the problem for themselves. I hate myself for my own human limitations, I cannot control my own life let alone aid anyone else's.
And then there's this weekend. Tomorrow morning I leave for Dover with my dad and little sister to see family. If it wasn't for the fact I haven't been to see them for about 4years I would be backing out of it right now. I'm not looking forward to it, I doubt that I can cope with it and I'm wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do for 3days. The day I get back I'll be rushing to town to pick up some things then getting my ass to Blandford so we can go to Halloween night at the club. Fantastic, amazing, wonderful, if I panic again up there when I'm drinking it'll just end up making the whole thing worse for everyone.
I'm wondering how much longer I can keep going, half wishing every time I cross the road a car will come out of nowhere and strike me down, half hoping every time I board a bus it'll crash, still disappointed every time I wake up and see myself in the mirror and know I haven't changed...and the worst part is I don't know why I feel like that, and that the only possible cause is so deeply buried in my memory I'm terrified of bringing it all screaming out into the open because the last time I tried to face it I nearly lost myself forever to the insanity of my own mind. My past may have shaped me, but it left cracks that are tearing under the pressure of living each pointless day after the next. And I know how ridiculously over-dramatic whiny little emokid I sound, even to myself as I think these things but I'm powerless to take control of my own feelings, I am a slave to my emotions and they're working my knuckles to the bone.
Jenivere Out.
I've been lethargic to say the least, barely got off my ass all day unless I really had to. Didn't feel like gaming, didn't feel like doing anything really so have sat largely comatose in front of shite tv while playing round after round of spider solitaire on my laptop. It doesn't matter if I win or lose I just keep playing because it's automatic now, so simple and logical to just click through the game without caring about anything else. I should have gone to the library at least to take a book back, and booked an appointment at the doc's to sort my head out, but it all seemed just so pointless. It's been weeks since my last hope at getting a job and I've heard nothing back from them. The agency I signed up to, that offered free training and an almost assured position, they were meant to call with an interview date nearly a month ago. Why the fuck am I bothering? There's been nothing to even apply for in the last week, so by Monday when I have to go to the job centre that'll go tits up. Joy.
I am beginning to doubt I could even deal with a job in my current mental state, it's like a light turning on and off randomly in my head. When I feel good I feel great, like I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to, I feel energetic and determined to do things, I feel inspired and want to write......then it switches, with no trigger, no reason, and I feel like crying, I feel tired and either can't stay awake or can't fall asleep, I feel like the simplest things are virtually impossible and that there's no point to any of it anyway, I feel irritable even towards people who are only trying to be positive towards me and desperately want to get away from everyone and everything because I can't cope with the pressure of other people's emotions.....and then without warning it switches back again.
On top of this I'm worried about other people and their problems, which I can't really discuss here other than to say someone I care for deeply is so stressed right now it's making them seriously physically ill. I can't solve their problems for them and I'm finding it difficult convincing them to make the motions to help solve the problem for themselves. I hate myself for my own human limitations, I cannot control my own life let alone aid anyone else's.
And then there's this weekend. Tomorrow morning I leave for Dover with my dad and little sister to see family. If it wasn't for the fact I haven't been to see them for about 4years I would be backing out of it right now. I'm not looking forward to it, I doubt that I can cope with it and I'm wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do for 3days. The day I get back I'll be rushing to town to pick up some things then getting my ass to Blandford so we can go to Halloween night at the club. Fantastic, amazing, wonderful, if I panic again up there when I'm drinking it'll just end up making the whole thing worse for everyone.
I'm wondering how much longer I can keep going, half wishing every time I cross the road a car will come out of nowhere and strike me down, half hoping every time I board a bus it'll crash, still disappointed every time I wake up and see myself in the mirror and know I haven't changed...and the worst part is I don't know why I feel like that, and that the only possible cause is so deeply buried in my memory I'm terrified of bringing it all screaming out into the open because the last time I tried to face it I nearly lost myself forever to the insanity of my own mind. My past may have shaped me, but it left cracks that are tearing under the pressure of living each pointless day after the next. And I know how ridiculously over-dramatic whiny little emokid I sound, even to myself as I think these things but I'm powerless to take control of my own feelings, I am a slave to my emotions and they're working my knuckles to the bone.
Jenivere Out.
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