BrainVomit - Planning, or the Lack Thereof

Brief brainvomit rant about a couple of things. Firstly, living in a batchelor pad style is perfect except when I'm the only one doing any washing up! It's insane, I was away Tuesday and Wednesday, come back Thursday and there's a whole new pile to do including a pan which was used on Monday! There wasn't room for it to dry when I did the washing up before I left and it's still there now :| Guess I'll have to do it now though with the pile of mugs etc, dad's got a housewarming tonight and people are supposedly staying here after the club too.

I say supposedly, someone was *supposed* to find out and tell me last night what the plan is, so, you know, I know how I'm actually getting to the club tonight and if anyone's taking up space for staying over afterwards. Ho hum. I'm not too annoyed by it, I can't wait to see the silly devil to be honest but it'd be nice to know in advance. Just have to poke him again with a text and see what's up later.

On the plus side, Louise and Wombat are coming up to town today and are picking me up from my place, which is perfect, I can go pick up the comics for Dan (and have a sneaky read before him too of course) and then catch up with the TriForce of Awesome that is the 3 of us when we get together :) Lou sounds happier already and is going to the club tonight with us but this time for the first time as a single lady! Huzzah! Maybe she'll enjoy it a lot more not worrying about someone else, I'm happy for her and how happy she sounds now.

Anywho, off to go and shower. Bought some hair removal cream because I'm pissed off with legs being spikey 5mins after shaving, so I've got a delightful 10 minutes of sitting about cold in the bath waiting for it to work. Hope the bloody stuff doesn't cause a reaction :s might be tying my hair up to go puffy tonight, it's scene kid theme at the club for Chrissy T's birthday. God help us all I'm going to attempt the scene look for free entry and drink. Thinking of those ridiculous half leg tights in purple with red miniskirt and black and white striped top, something reasonably stupid in the hair and the worst makeup job since....well, worse than my normal. Huzzah.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Nothing quite like nougat pillows for breakfast, makes me feel so deliciously like a cliche unemployed loser. Damn shame it's true.

BrainVomit - Nostalgia and Confusion...

Currently listening to Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Disc 2 (Still) - acoustic and piano, melo with a melancholy vibe. Beautiful songs well worth searching up and definately matching my current mood.

~~~~~~~

So I've been sorting out stuff from the garage to make room. Dan's got an early start tomorrow so we agreed on a night in alone again which is fine by me with all this crap to go through and the possibility of everyone coming here Saturday after clubbing - it could do with some finishing touches to the moving I've been doing recently.

Well I'm not here to mention going through old boxes but more going through memories. I did find a couple boxes worth of Dean's stuff while sorting which have been put to one side. Well among all this has been some nostaligia, both good and bad. Some of it was in a book of poetry written when I was far younger and more foolish than now. For anyone with far too much time and an interest in the shoddy artistry of the written word by a total amateur, the entire works are here. I read through some of it, which brought up some confusing memories and some unhappy ones also. Even the happy memories now are tainted by the obvious denial behind desperate words. Ho hum.

Amongst other things I came across my old signature book from Yr11, more people signed it than I remember. One message in particular stood out, or more one particular line of it. "I hope you achieve everything you set out to do. When I look at you I see a great, lovely, funny, beautiful person just waiting to get out and I know that one day you'll have the confidence to let it out" - this isn't a bit of self-ego-stroking, it hit me hard. This was someone I didn't know too well, but she knew me better than I thought she might. Back in the day I was particularly unhappy, I had no confidence and absolutely no self belief, and now although skeptical of myself and my own worst critic have at least the confidence she knew I had the potential for. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Only almost though.

The other more confusing thing I found was the tail end of an A4 notebook. I don't know how it got there but it contained parts of a letter my mother wrote to her mum. I don't know what to make of it to be honest. I only met the woman a few times and haven't seen or heard from her in over 10years. From the letter it sounds like my grandmother was particularly slanderous about my mother to certain people, including her own sons. I'll give you the passage that really hit me a moment ago. Keep in mind this was written I guess a few years ago by the timing involved.

"My daughter & I have a good relationship I think. She is beautiful and clever, & studying to get to University. So, the wish you made to me by phone when she was born "I hope she treats you how you treated me so you'll know what it is like" - I remember those spiteful words so clearly as thay cut to my heart - has not come true because I have not treated her or spoken to her as you did to me when I was growing up."

There's more than that, and I know my mother didn't exactly have the best relationship with her as she left home the day she finished school and found a job and room to stay in...my family is so very twisted sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to actually be in a happy one. I have an uncle (apparently) who I've never met, a half brother who doesn't care at all if I'm even still alive, another who left home, wasn't heard from in years and then died in circumstances I still don't understand, yet another who I cannot even stand to think of let alone see again for reasons I keep to myself and only one more half brother who means so much to me for just being normal and caring that I want to see him more but he's so far away and we have so little in common it seems almost impossible.

Sometimes it's difficult to hear of other people complaining about their families when it seems so normal from the outside, but it's not about how it is it's about perspective. Sometimes it's much harder for someone who hasn't faced much adversity in their past to overcome things which to others would seem like nothing at all. We mustn't forget that everyone is individual and will invariably experience difficulties in a different way and to a different degree, we're unique in every way as people. Everything that came before shapes us in to who we are and helps us deal with the things around us.

It's impossible to even work out how I feel about all this, my own grandmother likely will never wish to hear from me or see me, I'll never know that side of my family, and the side I have left feel so distant it seems impossible to even visit them now. I guess it's just time to do as I always have, take a deep breath, accept that what is will always be, and concentrate on what's important - we cannot choose our family but we choose our friends. It reminds me of a saying I once had ... "My friends are my family, when my family are not my friends"

~~~~~~~

On a different note, it seems so many people are breaking up these days, for better and for worse. Bev has recently split with her boyfriend of 7 years, and Wombat has reason to believe the gentleman she is very much interested in is with another girl today. I don't know what to make of those really.

The other I in some ways feel guilty for but others happy. I've been worried about Louise for a long time. I've seen her unhappy about her boyfriend too many times and spoken to her occaisionally over many months about it. Today she told me she finally broke up with him and already feels better for it. I've also been speaking with Emski about her current boyfriend in London, Steve. I don't think she's happy either, they hadn't spoken in 3 weeks bar a couple of texts where she's been asking him to text her when he's free for her to call but has had nothing back. I feel like I'm breaking people up now by giving them honest advice, but there's nothing more I can say. If you're not happy with someone you need to talk to them about it, try and change things and make it better for both of you. If you're still spending more and more time unhappy than you are happy with them, and thinking about it stresses you out, you need to work out for yourself if it's worth it. Do the good times really outweigh the bad? It's not enough to stay with someone simply because you've been together for so long or because it's easier than breaking up. It may not be pleasant but when everything else fails, the truth has to be faced. I'm just sad to be the one to point this out to people....

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Our past shapes us and moulds us into what we are, but what we do now will in turn form what we will become.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Night Out, Night In, and In Darkness How Things Change

It's difficult sometimes to guess how things will go, how things will work out and whether it will be any good or not. I'm finding this when we go out now, just to the pub, but some nights are really fun and enjoyable but others are becoming tedious and questionable as to why we're there. Tuesday was one of those nights, we were wondering if we were going to go at all, and Dan sent out the usual texts to see who was there, when Zac turned up outside to give us a lift unannounced.

When we got to the pub as usual everyone was on one bench, and though there was room for one or maybe two more there wasn't room for all 3 of us to join. Space was made and Zac sat with them, leaving Dan and I to find a seat on the bench at a right angle to the end of the other bench. It felt a little out of place, but soon Jamesy got out a guitar from his car and asked us all to teach him a couple of chords to impress his new girlfriend. It ended up as Zac playing a lot of his tunes, and occaisionally Dan and I would pick up a tune of our own. By the end of the evening Jamesy had learnt a couple of tunes that myself and Dan taught him, simple little riffs that sound pretty and complicated.

All this was well and good but the others weren't so appreciative, often playing their own music on MP3's or phones or making comments or singing "Smelly Cat" over the top. We ended up leaving early, we didn't feel right and it wasn't a particularly interesting night to be there. The bad vibes at times were tangible and it was just not what we were looking for in an evening. I wish it was more predictable, that we'd know which nights were worth going for. Unfortunately it seems some certain people make it less pleasant to be around.

Wednesday was a different matter, we woke up and after (ahem) a nice wakeup, we played some Skate 2 before wandering up to the hospital for Dan's xray in the early afternoon. It was a beautiful sunny day and just felt so much happier and more relaxed than Tuesday eve. A while ago I had no real balance to me, I was all over the place, but the more I spend time with Dan the more I feel able to relax, chill, and take things in my stride.

One uncomfortably odd thing did happen though, Dan needed to tie his shoelace and we stopped at a bench. A bloke was on this bench on the phone and we accidentally overheard possibly the worst conversation for someone to be having in a public place. Heard the word "barrister" mentioned and "but at the time I didn't know she was 15". Serious moment of oh no, walk on as fast as possible. If unsure check for ID - and not just when serving alcohol! *shudder* oh dear...

Anyway, we wandered back through town and bumped into Marcus out of the blue! He actually ran up behind Dan and hugged him, it was really good to see him and he's really happy in his new place in Yeovil. He went back to finish his lunch in the cafe as we mished to the bookshop and record shop. He met us again in the record shop and we walked and talked for a while which was good, I miss him being around and hanging out with us, but it sounds like he's better off somewhere new and he'll be in college before long.

Eventually, we walked home. Marcus walked with us until he met up with the person he'd come in to Blandford to see and went on his way. We got back and went for some more Skate 2 where I proceeded to beat Dan at least 75% of the time, or more like 100% on the Hall of Meat challenges - win! I like beating him at his own games, especially when he's had more practice at them ;)

We went for some Star Wars Battlefront 2 later where we fought on bravely as a team through the Mos Eisley assault level where you play as heroes or villains, then through some of the more traditional campaigns like Jabba's Palace where we unfortunately lost, Dagobah where I led us to a glorious victory, and the Death Star in the time-paradox Clone Wars era where we secured another steady win. Naboo's hunt mode gave us a chance to fight against each other, Dan playing as the hapless Gungans being mown down by my Super Battle Droids. Round 2 however he worked out how to win, by repairing the turrets to take us down. It was a sad loss. It was made up for when we teamed up fighting the Empire with spears and stones on Endor. Woopah, yeeehah!

The night in was finished with film time, The Spirit was the choice today, a fantastic adaptation by Frank Miller (Sin City) of Will Eisner's comic series of the same name. Dan's costume now looks twice as awesome to me and very sexy indeed. Great film though, I highly recommend it to comic fans or just fans of good films, especially if you enjoyed Sin City you'll love this. Full of comedy, incredible visuals, great acting, it all comes together beautifully. After the film it was late and time for sleep, and we woke easily this morning and I drove home leaving him to go and work. No idea what plans are today, but my plan now is to check out the things stored in my garage.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Change happens whether we like it or not, people change whether we like them or not. Shadows still fall even when you shine no light their way, and sometimes you don't have to make a spark, the fire will start itself. Is there a way back? In time can darkness be lifted to reveal new light? It's difficult now to know.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - The Big Trip!

Well it's now Tuesday afternoon and I'm still aching from the weekend, it was amazing fun! I was skeptical at first given the dropouts and the way organisation slowly fell apart but when it came to it all of that disappeared.

Martyn was the first to arrive. I'd prepared him for the route with a postcode for google and some extra directions, but the first call I had he read out the numberplate of the car in front of where he was parked and a vague approximation of a road name. It took a brief few questions to work out he was in the middle of town centre and had gone wrong on the roundabout. I directed him back and kept watch from the window. A few minutes later and another call, he was literally down the road so I directed him to drive up and turn left just after the sold signs. Well, I watched from the window as he drove right on past and waited for the next call. This time I left nothing to chance so when he about turned to come back I was ready at the gate waving him in to the drive. Bless.

After a big hug greeting we came inside to play a few games while we awaited the arrival of others. Worms was the simplest choice so we fired it up to play a couple of rounds. I won the first 2 round set, but was beaten on the second set. The third set was tense, one round each and on the final round the tension showed all too clearly as Martyn managed to kill off most of his team so I didn't have to. A closely fought win for me, 2 out of 3 games and a happy victory at the end!

After Worms it was time to head to town and start the shopping, so off we went in the car and parked up at the pool where I'd earlier said Holly and Iain should meet us. Wandering in to town slowly, Martyn stopped for a quick snack pickup when his phone rang, Iain had just arrived in town and parked at the appointed place! We walked quickly back where we met Holly for the first time. Thoroughly lovely lady she is too!

Next stop was back to town, I lead everyone through hoping to find a cashpoint, but went past 2 which were broken before eventually arriving at one that worked. Cash in hand we wandered into Game for a while before moving on to Iceland for the supplies. A fair few minutes and some giggles later we walked out with bags full of frozen meat, buns, and booze. A wander further up the road found us biscuits, napkins and plastic cups, lovely job! Unfortunately, nobody had considered the thought of utensils...woops... A brief wander back through town and we were heading on back to the cars to transport the supplies to my house. Bacon was put on for some rolls and more Worms was started when I had word that Emski was arriving at the train station. Bossman volunteered and we went on our merry way to find the good lady in pink and bring her back.

Leaving Martyn in charge of the bacon under the grill when I left turned out to be a bad idea, the bacon was a little, how shall I say, "crispy". Still, we made 4 rolls out of it which were distributed to all with a cuppa. Time was passed chatting and playing more Worms, and watching a few classic and hilarious YouTube vids. Eventually as time went on we decided it was going to be the best plan to go to Tesco for more rolls and energy drink then onwards to catch the ferry. We loaded up the cars with food and the groundsheet and before long we were on the road to success.

Emski went with Bossman and Holly, while Martyn and I lead the way. I knew Dan was on his way with Zac and was in text contact, though in the most epic timing I've ever known we ended up on the very same ferry across to Studland! I got out of the car to go and find them while Martyn and the others went to check out the view from the top as we went over. It's only a short journey across the bay so I stood at the window of Zac's car talking to him and Dan. We did some brief intros of people then got back in to park up for the beach. Zac and Iain were offloaded first so Martyn and I were a minute or so behind when we found them and parked up. Everyone loaded up with what they could carry and we were soon wandering on to the sands.

It was a beautiful evening, despite everyone's fears it would possibly rain or stay cloudy the weather held true to reports and the sky was perfectly clear. The first thing we did was to pick our spot and lay out the big tarpaulin groundsheet and drop our things. Shoes were offed and we did some more formal intros while cracking open the first drinks.

Emski, Zac and Dan on the groundsheet

Holly and I testing the water in a little paddle, we all got our feet wet and it was lovely!

Zac went for an early swim

Like a pro BBQ chef, I cooked the things on skewers first so we could use the sticks to flip the burgers. Pint was definately welcome sitting next to those smokey things!

The second course of munchies, double cheeseburgers, hot sausages and chicken legs that nobody wanted (they were nice)

Unfortunately, Martyn wasn't with us for long as his dear wife is not far off having their firstborn youngster. After some food and some giggles on the sand he headed back on the last ferry out at 11pm. He was missed, but I hope he had fun while he was with us anyway :)

Caption competition moment right there!

Martyn and Iain

Martyn performs magic trick on cheeseburger?...

Dan and Martyn, WAHEY!

Group photo! Everyone, look retarded and say "Charliiiieeeeee!"

With such a clear night, we saw the moon rising over the bay beautifully. It came up from behind the Bournemouth skyline, I'm quite disappointed that my camera couldn't catch the reflection it made on the water it was really quite stunning. We spent a while watching shooting stars too. It seems there had been a meteor shower the night or so before, and we saw the tail end of it as several streaked across the sky throughout the night. Really very beautiful, with that, the bright crescent of moon, and so many stars above us in a sky less polluted by artificial light.

Over the Bournemouth lights the moon rose slowly

As it got higher it got ever brighter, lighting the beach beautifully

Jammy dodger?...

Jammy dodger!

Emski and Zac playing around with a phone. They'd never met before but these 2 got on so well you wouldn't have thought it.

Unfortunately, laying on the sand wasn't as comfy as it should have been even with the groundsheet flattened as much as possible. Dan and I shared a couple of blankets as the others got out sleeping bags to keep warm as night drew in and tempertures started to drop. The uneven ground however resulted in a painful trapped nerve in my lower back and hip, it was agony to move in any direction by even an inch. I took some painkillers but fear I was a bit of a killjoy for a while. Dan brought out different, erm, painkiller to try and help which was shared around by everyone except Iain. I'm no smoker so it wasn't easy but it did ese up a bit as it helped relax the muscles and stop them from the random spasms that were making it worse. Giggles were had all round, as well as biscuits and more drinks. I know some may disapprove but honestly it was only brought out for my back pain as a last ditch attempt to stop it from ruining my night, it just ended up passed in the spirit of sharing.

Eventually, most of us fell asleep for a short while and awoke at dawn to see a beautiful sunrise over the beach. Emski and Zac were soon off into the sea for an early morning (6am!) swim while we watched the sun come up over the bay. After a short while I got out the other BBQ's to get some breakfast on for everyone. Jumbo sausages and more burgers seemed to do the trick perfectly for all and we were soon on our way to change for a swim at 9am!

Sunrise over Studland. One of those times you see it appearing, visibly moving over the horizon.

If you look closely on the left you'll see Emski and Zac on their early morning swim.

The clouds left as soon as they gathered, it was a glorious day and for a while we almost had the whole beach to ourselves

Myself, Holly and Iain after our little swim

Holly drying off in the sun

After a while everyone was a bit tired and crashed out. I, on the other hand, sat and made sand models! I felt like a bit of a big kid but was semi-proud of the marginally retarded results. Come midday, Emski needed to leave and Zac offered to walk her to the bus stop. Soon after we had a call saying he was giving her a lift to Poole bus station. Dan predicted he wouldn't stop there and would instead take her all the way back to Dorchester, and his fears were realised when we called to see where he was an hour later. Luckily he agreed to come back for Dan who would have otherwise been stuck there with no way to get home despite needing to be back to do things in the afternoon. Dan stressed for a while that he might not come back, but we alleviated that with ice cream from our friend who turned up selling them from a little mobile stand. It was funny to see him there, we weren't expecting it at all! Still we stood and talked, cooling off in the breeze that we didn't get when sheltered by the dunes where our things were.

Myself, still cold and wet, and Dan, who didn't want to get cold or wet!

Emski looking prettyful

Everyone catching some relaxation time in the baking sun

My terrible approximtion of a PS3 controller

Ok, fine, I can't do faces!

I admit, I had a few ice creams, but it was hot!!!

We left in a bit of a hurry when it came to it, Zac was in town earlier than we thought and Dan was panicking he might get bored of waiting and go on home. Luckily, after a long wait for the ferry, we made it over to drop Dan off over the other side to be taken home with Zac and sort everything he needed in good time. Holly and Iain needed to get back to the North soon enough, so after a quick lunch and cuppa back at my place they went on their epic quest home.

Once everyone had left there wasn't much for me to do but pass a little time uploading photos and then playing some of the best quality games of MGO I've had in ages. There were a good few of us playing, and the team games were intense! The capture were the most so, both teams going for one target trying to get it to the goal for 30seconds. I was glad I had runner 2 enbled as it helped a little with getting it there but the game ran on a good 20minutes after the finish time with the tide of battle constantly swinging like a GaKo shaped pendulum! It took unspoken teamwork and a good deal of ballsy moves to finally finish one particular round in a stunning victory for our team. It was so closely fought I was almost shaking to put the controller down!

Well I guess the other thing to mention from the weekend is the unmistakable "thing" between Emski and Zac. Now, Emski has a bloke in London but he's not been very attentive to her in a while, going on and off interested in her then bored of her, so she's going to talk to him soon if she hasn't already and as she said to me yesterday she expects the answer will be he's not too bothered with her any more. Zac is more intersted in her than I've seen him be toward anyone. Sure he's bit of an opportunist ladies man but he said it himself there's something a bit different here. Dan reckons we've done some matchmaking, I'm unsure as yet but then they seem to get on so well and apparently on a deeper conversational level than would be expected from 2people who'd only met that night. I hope all works out for them, one way or the other, they're both great people and I'm not put off by the idea of some crazy fun double dates sometime!

Well, it's time I'm off now. I had hoped to play some MGO tonight but then Dan was called in to an earlier shift today and it makes sense for me to go over tonight and stay because his day off is tomorrow which I'm looking forward to spending with him. He has an xray on his leg booked at the hospital to see how the bone is or isn't healing right and figure out why he's suddenly got pain there again.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we realise our warnings were right, we wonder maybe if they hadn't been given that they might not have been lashed out against. We also suddenly see that sometimes all some people are seeking is conflict. They can't cope with calm apologies, and seek to start fires whether they know it themselves or not. They do not feel right if they are not battling some adversity, and seem to cause it when there is none. I wish the world was free of such people, that we could all live in harmony, but the very diversity that makes us beautiful and unique is the same which tears us apart. Sometimes, all you can do is turn your face away from the fire and let it burn the bridges behind you. Only the one that started them can ever put them out, bridges won't burn forever and soon they will be gone.

BrainVomit - The Date Arrives, Dropouts and Dropins.

Well last night signified the final night in the pub before the big trip today. The big trip though has turned in to now just 6 of us going to the beach. Zac is back in after unsurprisingly being pissed off with the others who were trying to get lifts from him, I think they're now being driven to Swanage by Jamesy who told me yesterday he couldn't afford to come with us. It's bullshit but I'll let it slide, I'm getting fast used to being lied to and backstabbed at every turn. This is why I avoided big social groups, it always gets complicated somehow.

I had hoped for 30+ people today, everyone I know and care about coming to one place as a belated birthday celbration, but as I've said before it's all fallen through. It's now going to be me, Dan, Zac, Iain, Holly and Martyn who may well leave early to go home and look after the wife. Understandable, and I'm grateful he's even coming at all considering she's 5weeks until due with their firstborn. Wishing the best of luck to them both, I know that kid will have a great start in life. I'm so disappointed so many dropped out that I feel quite down about the whole thing, and to be honest if people weren't travelling so far and hadn't already made the plans then I'd call the whole thing off and stay home alone with a few pints to drown my sorrow....but that's not me any more so I'm going to have as much fun as I can with the few that are coming, it'll be nice I'm sure everyone will get along and we can all have some BBQ's and some drinks and a good time all round.

Last night at least was nice at the pub. Charlie and Emma were there again, and as it's a Friday Louise came up as well. She'd bought me a late birthday present, bless her, which cheered me up immensely - she got me the lightsaber umbrella I'd seen in OPM and mentioned on facebook that I really wanted. She is already going to a birthday thing tonight so I don't mind at all about her not being there. I'm disappointed Charlie and Emma dropped out, as did Sue and co, I guess I'm not as well liked as I had hoped. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but it really doesn't help anything with the recent happenings. Ho hum. Nothing I can do to change things, I'm already starting to get annoyed with the intricacies of this large social group anyway, breakups, breakdowns, too many things going on that I don't entirely understand because I don't know everyone and it's too hard to piece together all the little bits...*sigh* I'm not used to all this. Maybe someday I will be but that day isn't today unfortunately. Still, it was alright last night, and it was nice talking to the people I'm closer to. I care about them greatly.

Well I guess it's time to sign out and start getting more positive. Little tidy up before Martyn gets here and I'll probably do us lunch or something while we wait for Iain and Holly to arrive then possibly meet up with Allan for a while in town before Zac and Dan turn up to go on the ferry to Studland.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we just have to accept there may be no reason why we are not liked, and not worry about pleasing everyone all the time because that is an impossible feat. We should focus instead on just being the best we can be, and where we are not we should seek to improve. The ones who are worth it will follow us soon enough.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - My Dark Night with my Dark Knight, and Even the Best Laid Plans...

Tuesday night came in fast, and the plan was to go to the pub for a bit then head on to Dan's after he'd had a bath and stuff after work at around 10pm. Well on the way to the pub as I left so late I saw Dan walking home and pulled over for a hug. I was in a top mood and happy, looking forward to the weekend and a day to spend with Dan on Wednesday. We spoke for a minute and agreed I'd meet him at his place at 10 or he'd text me when he was out of the bath. He later didn't remember me saying 10pm but that's a story I'll get to in a minute.

So I got to the pub, and everyone was outside on one bench. Nobody made a hint of an effort at making room so I stood at the end of the table. Barely as I'd got there a couple of people made some comments about Dan I wasn't happy with, and my mood slipped. It was brought crashing to the ground when the subject of the weekend came up. April made a snide comment about how the message I'd sent on Facebook with all the details on was too long and "could have been submitted to English as a fucking essay, nobody's going to bother to read it". Well, if you're going to get bitchy about it then fine, you're obviously don't have the inteligence to skimread or the attention span to give a damn what anyone else thinks but yourself. Maybe it was too long but you didn't have to read it to get the gist. Don't worry though I'll rewrite a new one later in length and language you might be able to cope with. I don't mean to sound spiteful but there was acid in her words and voice that I find hard to ignore.

Anyway, back to the point, it then came out that some people were offended at not getting said message and the invites, but to be fair I'd completely forgotten, I'd only just added them on facebook and hadn't invited them to the group trip event that I'd been planning since about April/May, long before I even met them! So they got uppity about that one too. Then I asked Zac if he was still cool with the plan at which point the same people again interjected that he was in fact now going with them to Swanage, and tried to make out that Dan and I were just using him for the lift in his car. We enjoy his company, Dan considers him a good close friend, and I know for a fact that since I invited him to this trip he has been asking me about details practically ever time we meet. We'd been looking forward to this, and the plan was Zac would take Dan after work and meet us in Poole and we'd all go over together, but now things were said like "oh he wants to do his own thing, you're just using him for the car because Dan can't get there otherwise" and all that crap. Bullshit! Plus after talking to Dan yesterday the same people saying all that are using Zac for a lift to Swanage.

Two faced bitching and purposeful ruining of other peoples plans is going on here and I don't like it one bit. They tried to do it last time when we were saying it would be cool if Zac came with us to Sound Circus for the night, but they had plans for Swanage. Well, in the end they left him behind because they obviously had enough cars for themselves and we were both saying it was a shame he wasn't with us, he could have come on the bus and been able to drink and enjoy himself, not having to drive anyone anywhere.

I mentioned again about Saturday that I thought Jamesy (who I'd spoken to the day before about it) was coming along to Studland, but they instantly said no he's with us. So it felt at this point with everyone else I'd invited dropping out one by one that the whole thing was just going to shit. Thankfully Sue who had been staying out of it said she'd like to come, and bring along her boyfriend and maybe a couple of other friends too. We swapped numbers and I thanked her for being nice when everyone else has obviously decided they don't like me now. It was only 9:25pm though and I was fed up of standing and feeling completely shunned by everyone, so I said bye to Sue and went to find something to do until 10pm.

My first call was to park up behind Morrisons and sit on the bench under the trees for a while and try to get rid of the upset that was threatening to overtake me, but within a few minutes a car full of chavs pulled up and I made a hasty decision to leave immediately. I headed around to Tesco, knowing they were open late, and went in to mill about and pass the time. I'd sent Dan a message before leaving asking if it was ok if I turned up early because I didn't want to stay any longer but had no reply so I thought it best to wait until 10. I got wispas, cookies and galaxy hot chocolate to make myself feel better, and some microwave paninis for the morning. The last 15 minutes I spent sat in the carpark next to my bike, texting Marcus to see how he is settling in to his new flat. After being kicked out of his house (he's only 16) he had spent a week in a tent in the woods before they gave him somewhere to live. Thankfully it sounds as if he's settled in well, if a little lonely now being so far away from everyone he knows.

10pm rolled in, and still feeling not much happier I drove over the road to Dan's. His mum let me in and I went upstairs to wait as he wasn't out of the bath yet, so I sat on his bed and read a few more pages of book. I was instantly cheered up by the look on his face and the cry of shock he let out when he saw me there, he was at the doorway without even a towel on to cover his modesty! It's not like I haven't seen anything before but he was surprised and said he hoped he had time to sort himself out before I came over. Still in fits of giggles I laid back and looked at the ceiling while he got some clothes on.

Once he was presentable (vaguely) he checked his phone and got my message. He asked why I'd wanted to leave early so I explained while trying not to get upset about it. It's awkward because I feel more upset when I'm angry because I quite simply hate being angry but that's how I felt towards some of them and the way they'd been speaking to me and so inconsiderate that evening. Well, Dan caught on and told me he didn't want me to be sad especially not with him, and that he'd hug and kiss me until I was happy again. It didn't take long, there's something about him that just makes me want to smile, he knows exactly how to make me giggle and forget stresses.

After that we went downstairs to make hot chocolate, we added coffee in for a bit more energy as we'd decided to watch The Dark Knight together. It was late but the day after was his day off so we settled down with mocha, cookies and cuddles to watch it. I absolutely loved the film, as I hadn't seen it before - it was awesome in many ways. By the time we'd got to the end though it was almost 3am! We decided to stay up longer and watch tv as we were so comfy laying on the sofa together. We ended up falling asleep there to be woken at 7am by his mum coming down and demanding we get up. Woops.

We went upstairs and dozed off for another few hours before getting up for coffee and breakfast. We quickly dropped the plan of going to Poole for the day, because time had gone on a bit and Dan needed to go to the doctor in the afternoon about his leg. He'd broken it a couple of years ago and had some pain in there which was now getting worse so it was definately time to get it checked up. We spent the morning relaxing and watching music channels, which was welcome because I've now got whatever it is that Dan had. Headaches and a painful chesty cough, total feeling of being run down by a bus, not good!

We eventually left when it was time to get him to the doc, and after the appointment we slowly wandered back through town. We stopped in the book shop, where he found some comics for his collection and I found a book called "Psychology and Psychiatry for Nurses" - it was 75p and though written in the 60's I thought it'd be good background reading for some more info. Dan bought it for me and I got us each ice cream from the shop nearby. We wandered back slowly because I was feeling the heat, despite it being cloudy and Dan assuring me it was slightly chilly.

When we got back I laid back and relaxed as I was feeling a bit rough for gaming and watched Dan playing MGS3. He'd just completed it so was running around on a second playthrough in a tuxedo with the Patriot gun not taking it all too seriously like his first time through. It was funny watching him run and gun through the forest, and talking to Sigint on the codec about the patriot was even more giggles!

His mum made us some hotdogs with onions for dinner, bless her, and afterwards we headed up to the pub. After the night before a big part of me didn't want to go and I felt awkward about it to be honest, bad vibes and all that. Still, we met his ex Emma on the way up and convinced her to come along with Charlie when she'd got changed from work.

We arrived and everyone was again sat on one bench but there was just enough room to squeeze a seat on one end each. There was a little grey cat, fairly young and fluffy, wandering around everyone so we picked it up for a cuddle, and when Dan went for drinks I sat down with it and it settled happily on my lap purring and clawing at my knee. Bless. I chatted a bit to Sue who was next to me but it seemed like when Dan came back too our end of the table was being kept a bit seperate to their conversations. When Emma and Charlie turned up, I suggested we move on to the benches behind us which were pushed together into a long table so we could all sit down. Well, Dan, Sue and myself moved over and the others stayed put. Chrispy ended up sat on the table down from us mostly talking to another Emma about things so we mostly left them to it. I'm just guessing it's about Emma's now fiance who is still in hospital, and Chrispy saw him when he went there about his eyes earlier in the day. We're all hoping he comes out soon, he's been in over 2months but hopefully he's making more progress to recovery now.

So anyway, after Sue left fairly early, the rest of the eve was mainly spent with me and Dan talking to Emma and Charlie. We had a good laugh, and I finally relaxed a bit although there were outbursts of laughter from the other table and I did hear us being mentioned at times. At one point, Dan went to talk to Zac privately about the weekend, so I spent some time convincing the other 2 to join us. I really hope they do, the more the merrier, and I'm sure they'll get on with people. It would be good to actually have someone turn up. I understand some people have dropped out with good reason, I have nothing against them at all, but it's the ones that won't even tell me if they want to go or not or the whole fiasco about conflicting plans...they're basically just copying us anyway, we started the trend for overnight beaching and they were jealous because they weren't having as much fun, obviously, so now they feel the need to ruin our plans by making someone feel that we are using them when in fact it's the other way around!

Back on track though, we left about 11:30pm ish and walked back with Emma and Charlie having a laugh all the way, we parted halfway through town and said farewell. There's not much I'll say about the night after that point but it was a good one and I fell asleep very happy knowing I have the best boyfriend around.

This morning I woke up tired and run down, couldn't face a coffee so just had water before leaving at quarter to 9 and drove straight home. I'm now trying to chill and get some energy back before my sister gets here at 2pm. She's been promised I'll be more awake than I was this morning but I feel really rough, cant seem to clear my head unfortunately but at least writing about the first half of this cleared a little stress and the rest made me smile to remember.

~~~~~~~ Though of the Day ~~~~~~~

Maybe this is what he meant when he said I couldn't trust anyone, perhaps I should have been more cautious. I feel betrayed by people I barely know and ask myself why their knives would bury themselves in my spine when I wish them no harm?

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Part 2 of the Party Weekend, Big Busloads of Fun and Finding Bliss

I'll start this one with a little hiccup I forgot to mention about the other night. It just makes me giggle despite the loss of dignity! When we were leaving Bryanston after Wombat and Amy's party, a few of us were saying goodbye inside. Chrispy decided to go around and hug everyone, picking them up as he went. He got to me last and rather than picking my up by the waist/arse like he did the guys he decided to grab my legs just above the knee. All very well while everyone's laughing while I'm stuck midair but when he tried putting me down he forgot the problem with drunkenness, high heels, and bent knees and we collapsed on the floor. Right after I got up Dan was laughing and reciting that stupid primary school rhyme "I see London I see France I can see your underpants!" If I wasn't giggling too I could've nutted him for that one!

Anyway, I'm now back home again and it's time to recount the second night of the weekend, and then a little bit more, to get up to date.

~~~~~~~ Saturday Night - Buses of Blandfordians for Bournemouth ~~~~~~~

Saturday night...where do I begin? Well I got to Dan's only a little late after a complete indecision on outfit arose. Oh dear...I'm turning more female by the day dear reader, it's all this actually caring about what people, or rather one person thinks though it's completely silly because looks are but superficial. Our physical forms are just vessels for the more important internal self...but it does feel good when you feel that you look good, no?

So Wombat had been organising the trip for a while, getting a bus to take everyone up to the club to celebrate her birthday so the people who usually drive didn't have to and could have a few pints too. Unfortunately, with people not paying and dropping out last minute, it was a bit worrying until we had confirmation they had allowed the size to drop from 24 seats to 16. We only had to pay an extra £2.50 each as all the spaces were then filled, and Louise had printed out the flyers for us to get in free saving the £3 entry fee - perfect!

We hopped on the bus outside Wombat's about 8.20pm in plenty of time to get to the club. The mood was quiet, partly because we were all blind stinking sober and partly because it's hard for us at the front to turn to those at the back. We took a few photos, some film, and everyone was talking but it wasn't until we started getting closer that the mood rose. We got out in the cold and queued up outside the club. It's advertised opening is 9pm and we were 5mins early but we were still there before the DJ! I guess they opened about 5-10mins late but we were the only ones there. We all went straight to the bar and got our first drinks in and stood by the bar talking more as a few people arrived, some we knew some we didn't.

A couple of us got in the mood to request some songs, and 3 of the guys got up to rock out on the empty dancefloor. I joined them as soon as I heard Metallica's "I Disappear" not long after I requested it and stayed a couple more songs before finding the rest again. I needed a few pennies for the night so I told Dan I'd pop over the shop, but instead he said he'd come with me after his pint so we mingled a bit before we went. It was nice to have him come with, I mean the whole night it was pretty much like we weren't joined at the hip but at the same time we spent time together and apart. If I wasn't with him I generally knew where he'd be if I wanted to and vice versa. It makes such a big change from being with someone who would be constantly watching or needing to be with me the whole time, or guilt tripping me if I went away. I can't get over how good it all is sometimes.

I got some good photos, and so did Dan the times when I handed him the camera and said just take a few pics of whatever and look after this for me. There were other times when I was sat and looked after his glasses and shirt in return when tunes he liked but I'm not so keen on were playing. Some songs we were both up and enjoying the music and rocking out together with the rest of the group in a big circle, and a random dude joined in the middle sometimes which was hilarious! Bless, he was wasted but having a lot of fun. Anyway, enough talk I'll let the pictures say sometime now!

Bus Ride

Louise and Me
Nick and Lay
Wombat and Chrispy, BEFORE they were drunk!
Dan and James

Wombat, Anna and Marie chilling on one of the leather sofas
Claire and Tristan
Lay and Wez
Luke and Dan
Tristan and Dan
Chrissy T and Chrispy - Fabulous, boys!
I did a great job looking after Dan's glasses ;)
I like to surprise Wombat....Wahey!
Carrie, on the left, Dan's more recent ex. I wonder why he took a photo of her but I don't particularly care, he didn't give a damn when she dumped him and he's an honest guy - I trust him completely.
Haze looking cute on the side of the dancefloor
Chrissy T Raving it up!
Lucy and girlfriend
Anna letting her hair down on her 2nd trip out to SC
Bev the Dancing Bunnygirl
Claire and Tristan in a bit of a classic moment, so glad I had the camera out!
Colleen....words can't describe this photo!
Haze and Luke - Ok, so I am a tiny bit jealous of her incredible hair...
Dan with one of his best mates Steph and the random drunk guy who was dancing in the middle of our circle
Dan and Steph, apparently she's just like me - in his words "you're both crazy!"
Dan, the Emo Pimp...Oh dear...we have to do something with that hair! To be fair though it was being blown by the fan there.
This one was taken by the owner, from left to right, Me, Claire, Colleen, Rich, and Chrissy T draped over us, bless!
Chrispy and I did a really REALLY good job looking after Dan's glasses...well he never said not to wear them!
It was giggles, Louise thought so too because she was taking these on her camera.
I almost look intelligent, scary!
Steph took this when we were sat in the hallway by the giant fan. "Look windswept" - I think we did ok on that one!

Well that covers the photos, or thereabouts. Some of Dan's favourite songs had him running over and draggin me to the dancefloor with him a couple of times which was just amazing fun. When I'm drunk I don't mind headbanging to D&B. So anyways, by the end of the night Chrispy had pulled (as usual, but a few of us thought he had a girlfriend? We were mistaken, she's just another that likes him so it seems) but we weren't too sure on his choice of lady. He said he was invited back to hers but didn't because he had to be on the bus with us. I don't know, dear reader, judge for yourself.


Wombat pulled as well, same guy for the second week in a row. Bless, I think she really quite likes him. Unfortunately though nobody caught him on camera, at least not that I've found yet! I do hope she'll be alright, she could do with a nice guy to take care of her.

The end of the night saw me on the dancefloor rocking out to Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer, for once I hadn't requested any cheesy 80's stuff but everyone loved it and was singing along, then the last track for the night was......Europe's Final Countdown! I was absolutely loving it when some arms slipped around my waist from behind. For half a second I did wonder what the hell was going on but leaned my head back to see Dan grinning at me! We danced out the rest of that tune together, almost having our own little slow dance to the solo - epic and indeed win! That really was the high point and I felt absolutely amazing and so glad to share such an incredible moment with him.

We took a while leaving when it came to 2am kickout time, mainly because Wombat was rather attached to Scott and didn't want to leave. Good job we'd booked the bus for 2:15, it wasn't waiting for long. Most of us got on and waited, and while we were waiting a random dude got in and asked where it was going! Private minibus, we were all a bit confused at his appearance at first but when we told him it was going back to Blandford he departed with the line "Blandford? Why would anyone want to go there?!" We all laughed and eventually everyone was on board.

We got dropped off next to Dan's as it was on the way, so thankfully didn't have to walk back through town. We were both drunk and hungry so Dan picked some snacks and we sat down to some tv to munch. A couple of cereal bar, crisps and some uncooked poptarts later I felt much better but absolutely shattered. We went upstairs and as it was somewhere between 3 and 4 in the morning by this point we went to bed and weren't awake more than a few minutes before being fast asleep.

As usual come morning I was awake first, and after an hour of reading decided to get up and fetch snacks and energy drink from Tesco. Predictably he woke up just as I was getting dressed, so we agreed I'd hop off but make him a coffee first and leave it downstairs so he could wake up slowly. I came back with quiche, sushi and a couple of microwavable paninis. Cheese and bacon, lovely job! I had the sushi then shared the quiche with Dan, saving the paninis for later.

The morning and early afternoon were spent easily, Dan played more of Prototype, I watched a bit but spent some time improving the quality of the night's photos as well. Zac got in contact and there was talk of going out shopping somewhere, but it was a hot day and I didn't feel like it too much. We were talking of maybe just doing Wimborne market, but when Zac arrived we sat in the garden with the paninis and ended up looking at photos and videos instead. Much preferable, as it was a bit late when he arrived to do anything like shopping anyway. It was a hot day, and Zac only stayed a short while before going on.

We went upstairs to play Star Wars Battlefront 2 together. Mos Eisley's Assault level provided us the brilliant chance to play as heroes vs villains, Jedi and Sith, all of the major characters, great fun! Dan started off playing as the evil side while I used the forces of good to crush him. I was just on the brink of winning when we were called down for the first roast meal I'd had in ages. We returned afterwards and I dealt a swift killing blow to secure my victory. The second round we switched sides, and after a close fought battle Dan maintained his lead throughout and won bringing us even. The third match and we both chose to play dark side together and crush the Jedi heroes. It was brilliant teamwork that defeated the surprisingly adaptive foes. In all matches I topped my team's leaderboard with over 60 kills, Dan however was halfway down with 30 or less but to be fair he was using some of the characters like Jango and Han who only have blasters and he got a good number of headshots.

When we were done with that, I coached him through finally completing Metal Gear Solid 2. He only had the last boss fight with Solidus to go, but when you're out of practice and indeed stuck on that bit it's hardly a walk in the park. He then started on the Tanker section, which he hadn't done yet. Apparently if you select not having played MGS1 at the start you go straight on to the Plant part of the game, madness! It's like starting over from nothing. After the fight with Olga it was getting late, so I turned off the laptop (I'd been half editing more photos while he was playing) and ended up reading as he went through OPM cover to cover. He started on the Batman review but got in to some of the other reviews and articles. He skimmed a few but went all the way to the end and back through to Batman again!

Sleep again, and an early start on Monday saw me making the coffee at 6:20am as usual and getting ready to go. Today I had the ominous interview at the Jobcentre to look forward to. I was a bit apprehensive, not having had one before. Turns out it was more just a review of the agreement, and he printed out a couple of job opportunities and changed a few things on the system. All over and done with. Phew.

So that takes us up to now. I'm staying in tonight, gaming night, and besides Dad's away with Kaitlin seeing some family in Dover and the cat needs half a pill twice a day for diabetes so if I went to Dan's this evening I wouldn't be able to stay. They're back tomorrow though so I'll see if any plans are happening. Would be good to sleep in tomorrow morning though, little bit run down at the moment. So I bid thee farewell, dear reader, until next time I have something interesting to catalogue here!

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

The slower the descent, the deeper the fall.

Jenivere Out.