BrainVomit - The Ambiguous "You"

Well this may seem like a bit of a random post, and ambiguous too, but it is directed at "you". If you recognise something of yourself here, then maybe you should take it as a lesson, but the reason it's so ambiguous is because it's not a personal thing, more directed at a kind of metaphorical "you" with aspects I have seen in more than one place.

~~~~~~~

You. You make idols of shadows, shadows that are so unclear they barely resemble the ones that cast them. You place them on pedestals you craft from a past you remember so badly it is like a rose tinted blanket over your mind. You are not the only one, you are neither the first nor the last to worship false gods, to pray at temples where you will never be answered. You are not the only one to ever suffer the indignities of loss, and you again are not the first to never let go of what is past.

You cannot seem to realise how to move forward, maybe you are scared of the future untold, but unless you stop looking backwards to a past you cannot have again you will never know what joy the future might hold.

There was a time when someone may have made you their world, but that time has passed you by while you looked over your shoulder trying to see into the distance. There was a time too when someone was your whole world, but that time is also gone and it's time you stepped back in to reality. It may seem cold, but you will only make it colder with the ice of your own words.

You believe you are inferior, yet you strive not to improve but stagnate. You cut yourself off, but then wonder why the island you made for yourself is deserted. You are angry when you think your feelings are being disregarded, but you fail to see how much it is a mirror of your own bitterness which if anything is only a dull picture of the image of you it reflects. Your own medicine was something you never could bear the taste of, and yet readily you still hand it around.

You expect your action to have no reaction, as if you are in a world of no consequence, and yet you are the first to react, or overly so, even to pure silence. You anger yourself too quickly, it is no surprise others anger you more, and yet you still do not realise that what you are angry about will only be made worse by your haste of expressing your distaste.

You hide your feelings so well you are shocked that anyone could hurt them, but how can they know your toes are under the rug when they are so disguised, you cannot be too surprised if they are stepped on. And yet, too, when the feelings of others lay in your path you are not hesitant in walking on your way, barely glancing back at who you have wiped your boots on and showing no regard that you have done so.

You keep reaching for clouds, dreams that look so solid to you but are made of nothing but air. You cannot catch them, you cannot control them, every time you leap you will only fall further down. If you keep daydreaming, you will not see the true path you could be taking on your way and instead will only make your journey more difficult. In fact, the greatest obstacles in your way are only the ones you have made for yourself.

You need to realise who you are, what you are, before you lose yourself in the wrong path. You are not the only one, you are not alone. You are many, you are scattered and duplicated more times than can be counted. Your aspects can be seen all over the world and you should be stopped. You are the only one accountable for your actions, and you need to step up and better yourself before you fall beyond repair.

~~~~~~~

I'm in a creative and pondering mood today, maybe I'll write more later before I go. :)

BrainVomit - Too Quiet

I had been wondering how long it would be before I got another message from "him". So here's the new ones...

~~~~~~~~~~~

29/7 00:42am

i finally found out why things went to pieces. im confused about it tbh. never thought itd be something so simple and clear cut. if you want to know just ask and ill explain. i wouldnt bother with this but i believe that if you deserve nothing else you deserve an explaination... also i hope that in some small part it will help you forgive me as the way i acted was not entirely my fault. i dont expect that though..... its your call.

29/7 00:48am

oh side note i wont be able to reply over the weekend if you do want to know as itll be taken up completely with sonisphere.

31/7 00:35am

if you dont want to know or care then fine. But I find it fucking disgusting that you have such little regard for a friend and confidant that would have done anything for you. the last piece of advice ill give you is this. neitzche once said "battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes also into you" i hope you understand the wisdom of those words...

~~~~~~~~~~~

No, I understand the sheer arrogance of those words. Keep them to yourself you don't even know what they mean, pseudo philosophical bullshit, you quote what you do not even know. you buy the books but they remain, as ever, unread. And for the record your actions are your own responsibility, I dont know if I can hold any forgiveness for someone who cannot admit their own flaws. I admit mine, I admit pushing you into doing some of what you did sometimes. Not intentionally of course but I played my part in making you what you were as you played your part in bringing me to my knees. I've rebuilt my life and have little interest in your endless explainations of why you did what you did, as always with you, you have already come up with several different conclusions.

You going to Sonisphere? A festival? Fucking hell, you do realise there are people there don't you jackass? I'm assuming Sam is dragging you, because he cares about you and knows you need to get out. I can't see you volunteering to go away to a music festival and camp, least of all Sonisphere. I mean, fucking hell. It's just beyond belief. You, you who won't walk to the shop sometimes because you'll see a few people on the treet and start having a panic attack, convinced the 14yr old kids asking you to buy them alcohol are going to knife you on the way home. Well, it's your life. If you are actually becoming a decent person and living normally, good for you but I honestly don't care enough to follow your mediochre exploits into socialising. I'm bitter, but only because you can't leave me alone.

As for the friend and confidant and doing anything for me, cut the bullshit fuckface you couldn't even give me ONE NIGHT of peace. Even when I went away in that last week, to a party in the middle of nowhere, with friends, where there's never any signal, you just kept calling. So I hardly think you'd do anything for me. Ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That of course was the reply in my head. What I actually sent was , truthfully:

31/7 18:25

i've been out, away, etc. not checking messages here often.

And that's all I sent. I'm being honest. Allowing one shred of contact but I will block him if he starts up again or tries tugging at my ankles. I've moved on, very happily so, and all I remember are the bad times with him. Given how they far outweigh the good it's not surprising really. I'll collect the last of my things asap, then shut the door for good. It won't help him to be in contact with me, it will probably be easier on him if he stays angry and hates me. I don't want to be hated but in some cases it's neccessary. I may even have to piss him off a bit. Not what I want to do but it will push him away like a kick in the crotch. Which is always a good Plan B.

BrainVomit - The Video Evidence

DHIBBS - Durdle Door
Uploaded by Jenivere - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.

DHIBBS 2 Part 1
Uploaded by Jenivere - See more comedy videos.

DHIBBS 2 Part 2
Uploaded by Jenivere - Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

DHIBBS 2 Part 3
Uploaded by Jenivere - Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

DHIBBS 3 Part 1
Uploaded by Jenivere - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.

BrainVomit - Change, Duty, Failure and Paranoia

~~~~~~~Saturday Night - Paradise Lost~~~~~~~

Well I guess it's about time I blogged last weekend before this new one starts! After a week away from being together, the 4 of us in the DHIBBS crew banded back again to roll out. The evening started with me going to Dan's for a little while before we left for the pub. We walked up in the sunshine and I took a couple of shots for the opening of the next video episode. I guess it was a while we were at the pub, talking to people and chilling out with a pint or 2. By the time we left it was gone 9pm and we had to make the first pickup stop at Dan's. Something felt a bit different already though, I don't know how to describe it but it was like the atmosphere between us had changed a little. I brushed it off and went in to help pick up the snacks and booze we'd left there ready for the night.

Setting out on the road, music went on and spirits raised as we headed towards Poole and my house where the rest of the supplies and survival kit was waiting. We did a fairly quick pickup, throwing several sleeping bags and a tent into the boot and picking up a cd of classical music. Now, this may not seem like a fun thing but the music is a selection of famous pieces that have been used in popular films, so the first thing I did in the car was to demand that it be put on track 10 then started filming as it began to play. This made for one of my favourite clips from the whole weekend videos, which was Dan talking pirate to the sound of Ride of the Valkyries!

We were driving in what was now darkness, though it wasn't as late as it felt. The journey was going well with a vague plan to head to Durdle Door again and camp on the cliffs. We got a little lost like before but had a better idea of where we were going now. Marcus spotted a shape in the distance at one point, which turned out to be part of "Camp Bestival" - some kind of music festival like Glastonbury or Download only this one was at Lulworth Castle, just up from the cove and fairly close to our destination. We had a little look at the signs as we went through Lulworth Village and enquired about the camping, but were told the ticket office was closed and wouldn't be open until morning. Zac and Dan were very keen to go back the next day and check it out, but Marcus and I really weren't too bothered especially as we're both so short of money at the moment. Anyway, it was somehow agreed we'd check it out in the morning and drove onwards.

We got to Durdle Door feeling a little tired and more than ready to crack out a few pints and snacks and set up for the night just having fun. Dan and Zac went to get the parking ticket, because last time he had a warning notice for not having one. It wasn't a fine, more a slap on the wrist don't do it again type thing. We had seen you could pay for overnight parking, but it wasn't until we got there that we saw it was £20! Slightly miffed we headed off to Lulworth Cove for some reason, where we literally drove into the carpark and out again after Zac complained about his tyres being shredded on the gravel. I think he was already tired from the driving at this point as we'd been going almost 2hours by my reckoning. We drove off again down a dark road not really knowing where we were going until it was eventually decided to go and find Studland again and just go there. It had been great the weekend before and we just wanted somewhere safe and nice where we knew we could enjoy ourselves.

The rest of the journey got a lot quieter, for once there was no music on and the atmosphere had got a lot more tense since leaving Durdle Door. To be fair, Zac did apologise to all of us saying he was just tired from driving and really wanted to find somewhere and stay put for the night, he was also getting frustrated at having no mobile phone signal to text back some woman or another he was in contact with.

We eventually reached Studland without much further incident, and Zac decided to stay in the car. We left him to it, taking a couple of tents and our sleeping bags out towards the beach along with our supplies. By this time, it sounds a bit bad, but I was desperate to get a drink. It's a horrible feeling of starting out a night, getting a bit tipsy then sobering up again especially when there's a lingering feeling of unease, lost in the dark and desperate to park up and relax.

We had torches this time so the path wasn't as dark, I passed the camera to the guys for some filming as we went up but quickly got very paranoid on the dark paths especially when I was walking slightly ahead then realising they'd dropped right back. I asked them several times, just to stay closer to me and not let me go on so far alone because I was feeling really edgy and sketching out a bit but unfortunately right after I asked and turned around to walk on they just stood there and thought it hilarious when I turned around to see them in the distance behind me.

The laughter stopped when we reached the beach and turned right to see a strange light on the beach. I stupidly turned my torch on it to see if it was a fire or people. I didn't see anything but we hear it was people and as we were all a little uneasy about that we headed left instead. There isn't much beach to the left, but we weren't in any mood or state to find out if the other people were just friendly like us or likely to cause us trouble. We kept quiet until we found somewhere and crashed out on the sand hidden from wherever the others were. It was generally decided that tents were a no right then, but soon after we ended up taking them out and just laying them flat on the sand as groundsheets.

I had bought some rose champagne earlier, not posh stuff but something to celebrate the friendship between us all and the amount of time we'd been doing this. I handed around the plastic wine glasses and poured, thankful to finally be able to enjoy the night even if we were keeping our heads down and cautiously listening for the sounds of the drunks further down the beach. We had some drinks, the champagne and some red wine I'd brought with me as well, and we had some of the snacks too and got warm in our sleeping bags. Eventually, after much relaxed talking and a bit of laughter, we were all so shattered we fell asleep.

When I realised I was falling asleep I thought quickly that at least one of us should stay awake and be on guard in case anyone came down our way, so I asked Marcus to pass over the energy drink. It was in a litre bottle, full, which I'm sure you can imagine is rather a heavy thing. Dan in the middle reached over towards Marcus to take the bottle and pass it over but instead Marcus decided to throw it to an unprepared me. It hit me square in the face, cracking my nose which I then had to clench my teeth and snap back in to place. It was exceptionally uncomfortable, and not how I'd planned my day to be honest. I was worried for a bit that I hadn't cracked it right back straight but we were all so tired and to be fair a tad drunk so I fell asleep again, having not even bothered with the energy drink at all!

~~~~~~~ Sunday - Sleepy Screw Ups ~~~~~~~

Come morning, Marcus and I went through phases of slightly waking up, sitting up, looking over, then going back to sleep again. Dan was out cold, which wasn't surprising since we'd been up since 6am the previous day and he'd done a full day of work. When we woke up properly we left him to sleep on longer and did a little bit of filming until Zac joined us. Zac was on and off asleep through the early part of the morning too so Marcus and I did yet more filming from where we were sat while intermittently talking to Zac. Dan slept through it all, and I even filmed him snoring which will be good for him to see because he keeps denying it!

Eventually, Dan awoke as well, and after a little more filming we all headed back to the car to continue the day. Marcus and I really didn't want to bother with this whole Bestival thing, but Zac and Dan were fairly insistent on going that way so the long drive began again. We got there and made our way in to the car park, only to find that a day ticket alone would be £45, each. With the resounding opinion of "sod that" from all directions we headed back to Poole once more.

We were all on and off asleep in the car, while Zac had radio 1 on for goodness knows what reason but it was utter shite. Nothing the rest of us like. Shame we couldn't have just had one of the many cd's we all enjoy but his car his choice I guess. So anyway, apparently while I was asleep plans were made to go to a shopping type place near Bournemouth called Castlepoint. I had no idea of this so when I woke up assuming we were going to mine for coffee like usual I asked if we could stop at a supermarket so I could get ingredients and cook everyone a big fryup breakfast. Dan was asleep and when we got there he was confused, and turns out he really wanted to stay out at Castlepoint rather than going to a house where he'd most likely just fall asleep again. I felt so utterly crushed at getting it wrong I couldn't stop apologising, but Zac wasn't willing to drive further any more and was insistent on this new plan. I knew this had caused more tension and bad feeling and really could not shake the feeling of just having completely ruined the day in my sleepy desire for bacon.

Dan kept reassuring me it was ok, which is kind of sweet because I know it really wasn't ok at all, but still I got the ingredients to do enough for all of us and went back to the car with it. We got in to my house around 1pm, so I left them to play the PS3 while I cooked. It was a little lonely to be stood in the kitchen alone for half an hour just cooking and trying to do everything that everyone wanted right, but I didn't mind too much because I knew it would be appreciated when it was done and at least they were all having fun and relaxing again. We ate, and had coffee, watching the videos we'd shot and playing a couple of games before it was time to leave. I had to get to the jobcentre the next morning and look after my little sister, so slept exceptionally well.

~~~~~~~ Monday - Manic Morning ~~~~~~~

I went in to the jobcentre just about on time, waited a few minutes before the usual interview. Went over what I've been doing to get a job, changed my address, but they really aren't interested in you as a person just ticking the boxes, they don't even care much for what you've done to seek work as long as they can sign the bit of paper and click your money through then that's that. I went on to meet dad and Kaitlin round the corner, and took her down to the children's place up in the Dolphin shopping centre. I spent a good deal of time being dragged up ramps, through tunnels, down slides and into ballpits before I earned a cup of tea and sat her down with some juice. 5yr olds have such energy! I was texting a good friend and fellow Rocket Minion Alex during this time, sympathising with his work with children - he pointed out it was probably an awful lot easier having one with me than 5! He must have the patience of a saint to deal with 5...

Some more ball games and various adventures later, some of which I managed to let her go on without me and do (she agreed that I could stay out and wait for her rather than being dragged in again) her mum turned up to take her away again. It was nice spending the time with my little sister as I missed a lot of her early years, but it was equally nice to be able to just chill and wander through town on my own for a bit. I went to a few shops, and even tried looking around for some "naughty nightwear". I was texting Laura through the day because it was a little lonely to be shopping alone, and I thought she'd appreciate the Fallout 3 gaming humour with quips about finding naughty nightwear and gaining EXP. I text Dan a couple of times too, and while in the middle of a lingerie store (certainly not somewhere I'm used to going!) he called. This would have been fine if I wasn't half in half out of a corset in the changing room! I think I answered with something along the lines of "you pick a good time to call, I'm in a bit of a...erm...compromising situation in a changing room trying something on right now". A short conversation later and I managed to come out with a little dignity, and a great fitting item which was reduced from £50 to £10! I usually hate spending on clothes but it made me feel good about myself which is rare so I walked out with a smile and just a few odd looks from the cashier. By the time I went home I felt quite satisfied at a good day well spent in the sun.

~~~~~~~ Monday Night - Travels and Tribulations ~~~~~~~

I had plans to go and drop off the rent to my ex landlady that night, which meant a 50 odd mile drive to my old house. After that I went to see Dan with the new Watchmen DVD in hand. I bought it for him while I was in town, I knew he was going to get it from work but when I saw the special edition with the Rorschach face case I had to tell him not to and that I'd get that one instead! I was a little later than I intended to be, but I dropped off the cash and got to Dan's for our movie night, popcorn in hand! I hadn't seen Watchmen yet so I really didn't know what to expect but when I did see it I was more than satisfied with the result. Brilliant film! In return for getting that, he'd bought me Robot Chicken Star Wars 2, which we actually watched first. I was very thankful and happy because I really loved the first one and am quite the Star Wars geek at times!

So, 2 movies later we were tired and had to get up in the morning, but he was insitent on watching a bit of the moving graphic novel DVD he had of Watchmen too. By the time he was done I was already intermittently dozing off, and it wasn't long before we were both fast asleep. Good job really it was so late we needed the rest.

~~~~~~~ Tuesday and Wednesday - Time Flies?... ~~~~~~~

I don't even remember much of what I did Tuesday, I think it was fairly uneventful and not wanting to be clingy I told Dan I was going to pub but didn't make it seem like I was asking to go over or for him to go out or anything. So I ended up going pub anyway just to see the others, only stayed a few hours and then went on home again. Dan had talked about coming to Poole Wednesday so I asked but didn't want to push it because I'm paranoid about being too clingy or annoying. Turns out he didn't end up going and instead had a lazy day at home. I did eventually arrange to go and see him in the evening but felt awkward and paranoid about asking or inviting myself over. We went to the pub together and I stayed over, and it was generally a good evening spent together. I was a bit late though due to rain and putting on 2 sets of waterproofs only for it to stop raining 5mins after I left. Sod's law! We got to pub late but it was still nice to spend a shorter amount of time there. I did get more than a tad tipsy though, no food since lunch plus then a pint of cider and 2 large glasses of red wine, the last of which I had to drink in a rush to catch a lift home with Jamesy who kindly offered us the ride. It was a damn good night and we should have slept more than we did given the early start but oh well!

~~~~~~~ Thursday - Relaxation and Bliss ~~~~~~~

Well, Thursday didn't start relaxed. When I got home I had an hour and a bit before my sister was due to be dropped off for a while to be looked after while her mother went to do some work phone calls. Well it all screwed up when the kid didn't want her to leave, and acted up quite fantastically and ended up having to get back in the car and go home. I tried but I honestly don't know how to handle kids that young very well and there was no reasoning with her. She used her normal trick of lying and insisting on it "mummy said she's going to come in and stay here for 15minutes" then pretending she agreed with something before twisting it, "So you're going to stay here with me then Kaitlin so mummy can do some work?"...."Ok...(pause)....but mummy's staying here too" then she started crying and I just didn't know what to do with her - I'd tried distraction, reasoning, but the truth is she's not used to the seperation yet. She's only young and starting to deal with the anxieties of having parents split up. I can only hope the process won't damage her too much and that she won't remember when she's older. Dad later told me not to take it personally, that it really is just her not dealing with it and it seems to always be difficult for her mum to leave her here, somehow it's different to her if she comes here alone with dad and not to be dropped off. Oh well. At least I haven't heard any more slanderous undertones passed through her from her mother. I'm sure I've ranted about that one before though. Grr.

Anyway, the morning went by with a fair bit of rain and not much else, and I eventually went in to town. I was looking for a hairdressed and did find a few and pick up price lists, then collected a couple of comics for Dan (he's a collector, they're fairly good too, I've started reading over his shoulder sometimes hehe) and headed home. On the walk back I spotted a hairdresser I hadn't seen on the way up and found out their prices were better than any of the others so booked myself in for this very afternoon (in a couple of hours in fact, so I should hurry up with this blog!). It needs a trim and I'll be glad to have it neater.

I went to Dan's last night again, and again we went to the pub together. It was nice, another relaxed one, though we did walk home at intense speeds because we passed a bit of chav related trouble. They were more interested fighting with themselves but we weren't about to take any chances. When we got home, we were on the sofa for a while munching strawberries I'd bought in town and cudling up watching south park. I fell asleep a couple of times because I was so tire,d having walked a good 7 or 8 miles total that day, so he eventually woke me up to go to bed. I was wide awake by the time we got upstairs, and after some...uh...activities, we were just laying cuddled up and I just had the sudden realisation that I was in one of those moments. You know those moments where the world stands still, where everything is silent apart from the sound of the person next to you? It was just sheer bliss, I felt so happy and so utterly relaxed there wasn't even a vague hint of paranoia left. I went to sleep so content I didn't want to get up in the morning but just lay there and never let the moment end.

Unfortunately though this morning we had to get up again, he had to work and I had to go home again, but it just felt so perfect and happy even when parting that I'm still smiling now, several hours later.

Sadly, there won't be any DHIBBS this weekend, or the one after, and the one after that is the big trip when everyone will hopefully be down to spend the night on the beach, and then it's pretty much going to be too cold to carry one. It's a shame, but there's birthdays this month with events to attend, we're doing this saturday alone, and my trip has been long in the planning so I'm looking forward to it. I know the crew will all be there but it won't be the same as just the 4 of us, it'll be so much bigger. In a lot of ways I feel this crazy summer is over, but I'm not too upset about it really. Through the weeks together we've become firm friends, and I don't think we'll lose that. I've found somebody who I actually feel relaxed around, and have no cares in the world, someone who I care about deeply and who cares about me and likes me for who I am in every sense of who I am, even when I'm silly and make mistakes. I talked to him about being paranoid about being clingy and he said not to worry he'll always let me know if he wants space, and I believe him, because tonight he's having a chill night in to himself with some gaming and I think I'll probably do the same. May head to the pub but then I will be out all weekend so not sure if I can be bothered to spend the fuel on it tonight. But still, all my former worries dissolve in the incredible combination of his warm, comforting arms, his gorgeous green eyes and the smile that gives me butterflies.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we are blind, looking in to the sun trying to find our dreams we end up stepping over the edge. Before we know it we're in the clouds, not sure if we're flying or falling but realising we just don't care any more.

BrainVomit - Block, Unblock, Gravity and Art

I haven't done any creative writing in a while, call it extended writer's block if you will but that's the general idea. I should be writing something of the weekend but I feel like popping this one in first before I launch into the account of our latest adventure. See, last night, Dan spent some time working on his drawings, graphic artists, they do need time to perfect their work...but anyway, I had left the laptop at home so I couldn't start on blogging or anything, so instead I asked for paper and pen with the idea of writing again. I came up with 2 pieces, the first of which is utter crap and may end up just being a few ideas that carry on into something better, the second plays on a few ideas I've had recently and is structured to be a song if ever I find a singer or a band to play it, or even just write the music...Anyway, both of these were fairly rushed, ish, and quite honestly rubbish so feel free to skip to the end, dear reader, and I will not blame you.

~~~~~~~ Art ~~~~~~~

Pain I once thought my only muse,
The greatest inspiration from the tortured mind,
A tired cliche of the troubled poet,
Writing in perfect form, verse and rhyme.

I am no artist,
Paint or clay,
Try as I might,
They will not obey.

Form I once thought was all I need
But music lends such weight to my words.
A sweet melody to echo around,
Colouring the chorus, painting the verse.

I am the writer,
Paper and pen,
The block is broken,
So they meet again.


~~~~~~~ Gravity ~~~~~~~

Freefall, like Newton's apple,
The one thing we cannot control.
Leaning over the edge I wonder,
What waits for me below?

Vertigo kept me back from the top,
But curiosity beats back the fear.
Now I wonder if I'll slip,
And who would catch me if I fall.

Take me back to where I found peace,
Somewhere between the moon and the sea.

Gravity tugging at my sleeve,
Can I stay or should I leave?
Stars are falling to the sand,
Midnight weighs heavy upon this land.

White cliffs I build for myself,
Carving steps into the stone.
The higher you are, they say,
The further you will fall.

Take me back to where I found peace,
Somewhere between the moon and the sea.

Gravity pulling stronger now,
Daring to drag me down.
Rain falls to cleanse the stain,
To drain away my mistakes.

What goes up must come down,
But now I feel so perfectly high.
If I let go, stop holding on,
Will I only hit rocks again?

Take me back to where I found peace,
Somewhere between the moon and the sea.
Take me back to where I found me,
Somewhere I am finally free.

Gravity gripping at my heart,
Did it stop or will it start?
Open arms into freefall,
The gamble to fly or lose it all.

~~~~~~~

The artistic temperament is a funny thing, dear reader, for after writing I do not mind it being read, hence it finds a home here, but then I cannot bear to sit still while someone reads in my presence. I can't sit still and get so horrifyingly self conscious it's almost stupid. I let Dan read when he asked, and I don't think I've ever felt more uncomfortable in the space of one minute. I am an open person, and often pride myself on that mark, but now I feel so terrified of rejection or messing up that I almost just want to close off completely. Ho hum. I also did a small drawing on the bottom of the page, an idea that always fascinates me and the one thing I can actually draw purely because I've doodled it so many times. Apologies for poor quality biro version, and sideways-ness, I will try and get it the right way up later.


Anyway, now I should be off. I need to go to the job centre this morning then look after my little sister for a couple of hours. 15 minutes to smarten myself up into something vaguely resembling presentable and write out the little JSA agreement booklet....sure, it'll be fine. Weekend blog later or tomorrow, that's a promise.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Balance, Happiness and Changed Plans

Ok, right, I promise to finish this one now and catch right up before the weekend, because it's looking to be another awesome DHIBBS night with all the trimmings. We have an abundance of sleeping bags and tents, I'll get some booze and snacks later and we'll be ready to roll wherever the night takes us! Anyway, back to where I left off. The house party on Thursday was great, then we move on to Friday...

~~~~~~~ Friday 17th - Ducks, Doughnuts and Drizzle ~~~~~~~

Friday, well the first part of it was taken up by catching up on a little sleep. We both needed a bit more and Dan didn't have to work until 2pm so it seemed like the best plan even if it wasn't the most exciting option. So we had a snooze, got up, had coffee and I walked with him to his work then headed up towards Nelson's to meet Wez. I'd suggested we hang out for a day sometime because we were both bored at home a lot of the time and it just seemed to make sense that I go to town on Friday when Dan went to work.

We spent a short while in pub chatting then went down to get some food, because that half a fryup had worn off already and I had some major munchies. I suggested Morrison's, so I could stalk Dan while he was working, but sadly he was nowhere to be seen. I bought some nice cheap croissants and doughnuts as a sort of unhealthy alternative to brunch and we wandered off through the carpark to sit on a bench by the river.

Silly as it seems we had a good laugh just feeding the ducks and gulls that were gathered there, so when we ran out we went back to Morrison's for some more. Dan was there this time so we stayed a short while to talk to him while he didn't have much work to do, and arranged to meet him during his lunchbreak later. Wez bought doughnuts, cookies and bread so we went back down to the river for a while.

After all that we did go for a fairly long wandering through town, looking in every charity shop for a shirt I really wanted, but alas no luck. Instead we went all the way over to Tesco and back across the fields to meet Dan at 6pm. It was a nice day, walking and talking, it did rain a little but not for long which was good. When we were going to meet Dan, Wez called home for his lift back. I think he felt like he'd be a third wheel which is a shame it would've been nice to hang out with both of them for a while. It is a difficult balance to work out, especially when you're in a fairly new relationship it is so hard to enjoy each others company and not distance yourselves from the others there or make anyone awkward. Oh well... I spent a while with Dan then when he went back to work I headed home to chill out before going back to Blannie pub. I didn't stay long because I was meeting Dan from work at 10pm so we could go back and get some rest before the next day, but it was still nice to see everyone and catch up a little.

~~~~~~~ Saturday 18th - Changed Plans and a Perfect Man ~~~~~~~

Saturday was a family do at mum's. My stepdad's 60th and everyone was invited. Dan had the day off work so we'd arranged for him to come with, amazing as we'd only been going out a week and a half by that day but it's just another reason why he's so perfect. We had arranged to be picked up at about 12:30 at Tesco, which is literally out the door and through a gate, but my stepbrother was running a little late. This wasn't too bad a thing when you consider how long it can take Dan to get ready. Hard to believe a guy could spend so much time!

We met Paul and his long term boyfriend Andy in the carpark when they eventually called to say they were there, then had to make a stop at Andy's brother's so he could get his hair done by his sister in law. When we arrived we found we were some of the first to get there, and mum was in the kitchen working her usual magic with a spread of food. Various step-family arrived, and to be honest I didn't know them well, in fact some of them I'd only met once or twice at christmas gatherings so I felt a little awkward at times. Pint of cider helped there I think!

It was a nice day, though on and off raining, and we had barbecue burgers and a few drinks, then my stepdad went to walk the dogs in the evening and mum did the cake for when he got back. It was insane to try and do but she had 60 candles in a huge flat carrot cake and tried to light them all - by the time we got 2/3 done the long lighter had run out and we were frantically using matches, trying not to burn ourselves and watching as the first candle lit burnt down halfway. I was tasked with handing out the champagne when birthday boy got back, then the cake when it was cut. It was brilliant carrot and walnut cake, and the rose bubbly was rather delicious too, but after all that and the food earlier I felt completely stuffed!

We spent a lot of the day sat in the garden talking to who I think are step-cousins or something like that, and it was just so nice. Dan was doing more talking than me, and everyone liked him and approved of him. In fact, when we walked through the door, mum took one look at him and said to me "you've got the wrong one, this chap looks normal!" - a funny joke but with the slight undertone there of approval because at family gatherings my ex would either not attend or sit there and say nothing. He had a bit of an extreme fear of people, social getherings and anywhere outside his house really. Agoraphobia is nothing to be laughed at. Anyway enough about him, Dan was the opposite, confident but not cocky and just generally nice and friendly with everyone. Perfect!

Mum and my half brother David

My stepdad, Dave, blowing out 60 candles on a huge cake.

Dan and I outside at the drinks table.

Watching the candles being lit, wondering if it's contributing to global warming...

Dan and I in the kitchen, looking "normal"

So Saturday night then, well we had planned on the usual DHIBBS night, but we got a message from Zac that he had other plans involving a girl he met in Salisbury. We had already arranged to be dropped off at the pub when we got our lift back so we chilled out there for a while. After a bit, everyone else there decided they wanted to go to the Milldown to carry the night on. We were a bit tired from the day, and as we'd been drinking earlier hadn't had anything at the pub and subsequently sobered up. I was also still in a dress and heeled boots which lead to me having a slight slip in a pothole in the road. I twisted my ankle a little but jarred my left hip and shoulder painfully and we ended up using it as an excuse to leave. I didn't want to ruin the night for Dan but he was more insistent than I was about getting a lift and leaving not long after we got to the Milldown. Being sober isn't as fun when you're around tipsy people who are still drinking and hanging out in a dark park. I think we both felt a bit let down by the lack of DHIBBS too so weren't really in the mood for much.

Dan called his sister to give us a lift home, and I stayed another night with him to the Sunday. It was nice to be able to relax when we got in, I was very grateful to be able to sit down comfy and take off boots - I'm not used to wearing them too often so they can have a habit of rubbing and making my feet rather sore.

~~~~~~~ Sunday 19th - Blissful Balance ~~~~~~~

Sunday we slept in a bit, went in to town to find out when Dan was working Monday and spent the day relaxing. He bought another XBOX360 controller and CoD4 in town and went up to his sister's for a cuppa. He had intended to play some games with her but she had other things to do, so we had tea and coffee with some conversation then got a lift back to leave her to it. Before we left, Dan borrowed a few of her games for us to play when we got in, so we had an evening of gaming and chilling which was just perfect. We pondered going out but we both agreed we'd been out the night before and it's just as nice to be in some nights as it is to go out - a perfect balance.

First of all, we played Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, fantastic! He's a comic fan, and I'm more of a MK girl so we chose the characters correspondingly. I wasn't too good at first and got my ass handed to me but after a short while I was picking up the moves and controls easily and getting in some good wins with Raiden and Kitana. After that we moved on to CoD4. I had great fun, being the more experienced player here, and even switched from my usual run and gun tactics to outsniping the sniper on his favourite maps.

When he got a bit bored of being beaten, we went on to Left4Dead. I have been in love with this game since I first played it on the top of a bus on a PC at the Leipzig Games Convention last year, but hadn't played it since. We played through co-op on the story where you are trying to find the airport. So many amazing moments! The first time I saw a tank I ended up screaming a quiet warcry and unloading an entire clip or 2 of assault rifle rounds into its head before it died. The first witch we came across got disturbed by one of the 2 AI controlled characters and killed Dan, leaving me with little health when it was dead to go and find him. Boomers puked and hordes piled in on top of us, but together we beat them back.

The AI were incredibly irritating though. One time, we saw a witch in the distance and had a plan. I stood next to Dan and trained my sights on her ready to shoot at a second's notice, he had the plan to throw a bomb to damage and wake her then we'd fire and hopefully take her down before she reached us. Well, that was a great plan until just after he threw the pipe bomb, one of the AI ran right in to my line of fire so I couldn't get a shot off at her. Stupid artificial "intelligence".

The other classic moment was in the baggage handling room of the airport. We could hear a tank but couldn't see where it was until Dan poked his head through a small hole in the wall and saw the bastard. It ran towards this really small hole in the wall, and we were shooting thinking it'd be fine, it could never make it through a hole that small...well, we were wrong. I ended up running backwards facing forwards with the tank coming straight after me unloading clip after clip into its mangled head, desperately reloading until it went down at my feet. Epic.

We completed the level and moved on to some Army of Two, which wasn't bad but it washardly special. We didn't have enough memory to save though, so when the system rebooted itself we just couldn't be bothered to do the whole tutorial all over again. By this time, it was getting fairly late into the night so we decided to get some sleep as Dan had to work the next day. Admittedly not until later but still needed some rest and I was fairly tired too. Such a good night though, finding that balance between going out and staying in and knowing we could have as much fun together either way. Perfect!

~~~~~~~ The Week ~~~~~~~

There really wasn't much interesting in the early part of the week. Dan was working and I was staying home making videos from DHIBBS and getting them online. We had a good few games of Metal Gear Online with some of the minions one evening, which was meant to be a special game for Alex but it turns out he was going out or something and I was tired so only played for an hour - sorry guys!

Wednesday night I went sailing with Dad, not much worth mentioning, it was a fairly breezy day so I was out on the trapeze while the boat leaned further and further out of the water in the strong gusts, but no injuries this time! We came 5th out of 15 in the race which was fairly good, and I had fun with Dad which is the most important thing really. After that I had decided to go down to pub see what was happening, I had no idea that Dan would be there in fact I thought he'd probably be at home, but then he didn't have work Thursday so went out instead.

He was surprised to see me, despite the fact I'd sent a message to tell him I was going pub if he was around, but I think it was a nice surprise. We went to his sister's that night and stayed there instead. We were up fairly late though with her and Tristan playing Rock Band. I played drums for the first time on medium and got 89%! I kept forgetting which thing I was hitting sometimes and the pedal, but didn't do too bad apparently. We played some CoD4 as well with all 4 controllers, and I can safely report I wiped the floor with the lot of them :) sniping, knifing, running and gunning, I won all matches apart from 1 where Dan only just beat me by a couple of kills. Incredible fun but I think I win a prize for being most hated!

Thursday morning we woke early to Dan's nieces, bless them. One's 8 the other's 5, both girls and both full of energy in the summer holidays. After a few hours keeping them amused while Dan's sister slept in, we left to go to Poole/Bournemouth with Zac. I didn't know they'd made plans beforehand to do this but they were happy enough for me to join anyway. We started by going in to Poole to go to the comic store for Dan and a few other places. We had a quick pasty from Greggs too which served as a fair enough breakfast!

When we were done in Poole we moved on to Bournemouth and sat in the sunshine in the park with ice cream. Zac left for a while and went his own way, we both felt a bit bad because he was being more of a 3rd wheel again despite driving us down there and us both enjoying his company as well. It's even more difficult to juggle the 3rd wheel effect when the 3rd person also has completely different interests and would rather go clothes shopping when all you want to do is go to Game, bookshops and the odd music shop.

The good thing was though that we did meet up again, and though we briefly seperated after that we generally stuck together all having a giggle and ending up in a couple of shops to suit everyone's taste. Dan and I went in to Game as well, because I saw a sign for staff wanted, but then we got distracted by Guitar Hero Metallica. I wanted to try out some more drumming, but standing up didn't help. I lost concentration a couple of times and accidentally hit the stand instead of the kit! When we turned around though there was a cute little kid watching us in awe. We did try to get Zac there to play the bass, but sadly it seemed like the connection on it was broken, so we turned around and handed the plastic axe to our little fan who looked like he'd just been given a real guitar by his heroes, bless his little cotton socks we were only playing on medium!

Still, Thursday night came around and we were invited to Dan's friend's housewarming, a small gathering in their new flat. We went over a bit late, and didn't stay long, but again had some fun gaming there. They had a PS3, and were playing MotorStorm. I'm not usually that good at racing games but after watching 2 of the guys fail one ticket badly (it was a bike race, and they were dreadful) I took up the controller and won an easy 2nd place to earn him the next race. We didn't play for long, because after the Wii went on with MarioKart and a couple of the guys enjoyed some old school balloon matches on there. We went straight back after that, Dan had agreed to let me stay over if I could make sure he was going to get up and be at work by 7am. Early shifts are a bitch.

Friday morning I went on home, and caught up with the blog I posted yesterday as well as spending a good portion of time watching the entire first series of Spaced on DVD. Time well spent, but spent all the same! I did go over to Dan's in the evening, as I mentioned then, and we played some more games. I was a fairly even match for him now on MK vs DCU, but still mopped the floor with him on CoD4. He was tired after a while and we went downstairs for a coffee. We agreed I'd go pub for a couple of hours while he got some rest there, then he was going to let me back in if I sent him a message when I was outside. Worked out fairly well, except his coffee kicked in while I was out and he was still awake and reading when I got there. We planned on sleep again with an early start for him, but ended up not sleeping until nearly 1am!

For once, this morning, I was the one who found it hard to wake up. We were warm and cuddled and it made no sense to leave that...but, well, I had to get up and he had to work so I'm now back home, finally caught up on blog and ready to finish videos and prepare for DHIBBS tonight.

Oh and one thing I forgot to mention, when I turned up yesterday I was led upstairs then told to put my hands out and close my eyes. Bless him, he'd been to town and bought me one of the Star Wars comic compilations. The Sith War, the 3rd in the compilation series following the stories of Exar Kun, Ulic Qel Droma and Nomi Sunrider, was one I'd already read but greatly loved. I will have to get the others so he can read them. As he said to me, it's where our 2 passions meet in the middle. His love of graphic novels and comics and my love of Star Wars. Not that I don't like graphic novels and he doesn't like Star Wars, that's far from true, but we each have our area of expertise and geekdom which in these we can share. If he gets any more perfect I'm sure I'll wake up and realise this isn't real because nothing so good could be true, right?

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Balance, trust and communication are the 3 most important things in a relationship. Without one the whole thing falls apart, but keep all three and you're on a road to heaven paved with gold.

BrainVomit - House Party of Awesomes

Well fine, I admit, I've been rubbish at keeping up with this. While friends like RocketMinx over there manage to write almost daily I'm lucky if I remember to keep up weekly! This is well overdue and I apologise, dear reader, because that means as usual it'll be a long one to cover a huge amount of ground. I don't want to forget anything, because this will still hopefully be here in years time so I can look back and laugh at my mistakes, remembering all the lessons life teaches me day to day.

So where to start? Well I left off last with some negative so this will be 99.99% positive - promise! I'm going to go right back now to last Thursday, to Steve's partay.

~~~~~~~ Thursday 16th - Party Time! ~~~~~~~

This story begins in the afternoon of Thursday. I'd completely forgotten when Dan finished work and had been busy doing...well bugger all. So when he rang asking what time I'd be at his suggesting he finished at 4pm, I realised just how little time I had left and did everything in a rush! I told him I'd aim to be there between 5pm and 7pm, but it took me longer than I thought because of a stack of washing up and some cleaning that needed doing before I could leave. Dad was expecting company so I offered and had to make good on that once I had promised to help. So I left at about 6:20pm with the intention of quickly getting cash out, topping up on fuel and getting some fresh oil in too. This buggered up immensely when there was a lack of 2-stroke (motorbike) oil in the first 2 garages I looked in. The 3rd had some and I got topped up, which was much needed I was almost out, and got back on the road.

It was a particularly damp evening. I say damp....I was wearing waterproof overtrousers and my leather jacket. By the time I got most of the way there the jacket was soaked through, a lot of the water had run off the overtrousers and on to my boots which were feeling cold and decidedly soggy too, and puddles were forming inside my sleeves. When I arrived at Dan's, late and freezing, I straightened my arms and water literally ran out of the sleeves. His mum met me at the door so I hung up my wet things in the porch so they could drip dry. She had made dinner for everyone, including me, so I quickly changed top because my shirt too was soaking and put on some clean dry jeans and thankfully sat down to a hot meal.

In the meantime, poor Dan had got worried about my lateness and called my dad to see if I was ok and find out when I left. Bless him, dad gave him a bit of a joking guilt trip for dragging me out in that weather! They both know a bit of rain won't stop me, it's only water after all.

So anyway, by the time we eventually left Dan decided to take a taxi, probably a good idea seeing as he had no clue of the place we were going! We gave the guy the address and turned up a little late to be greeted by Steve, his dog, and a rather drunk Marcus. We went around and saw who was there, saw the genius that was a gazebo type tent thing just outside the door for the smokers and the BBQ, and after a while sat down inside on a chair together.

The whole night was pretty fantastic, there was music and I think somewhere BBQ food - but it's a good job we were fed previously because we didn't see any of that! We had a few drinks but nothing much, some people were getting a fair bit trashed but nobody was causing issues at all. Marcus and Lexy were wandering around with a clear bucket full of "shitmix" - I'm fairly certain this cocktail contained some of the 85% proof Absinthe (which earlier had been passed around in the form of flaming shots), beer, lager, cider, orange juice and whatever else they found as they went around handing out cupfuls of it to unsuspecting drunkards.

I think in the whole night only 2 people got ill, which as amazing considering, and everyone was happy to come inside and keep noise down at 1am. By 1:30am, Dan had fallen asleep. We were on a particularly comfy chair, and Steve came over and reclined it for us, so bless after working the early shift that morning the poor boy was tired, cuddled up to me and went to sleep. The only problem with this is how hard he is to wake up! When it came to 2am Steve was asking people to leave apart from whoever had arranged to stay. Dan had mumbled about getting a taxi back but as he was so tired and, well, unconscious, Steve said we could stay too.

Surprisingly, a lot of people had to be at work early so alarms were set for 6am. I think most of us went to sleep around 3am eventually, so 6 came around far too quickly. I went back to sleep until around 7:30am, then woke up and was talking to Steve and Marcus as they gathered cans and glasses. I would have been more help but unfortunately I was fairly trapped on the chair, it didn't seem to take long for them to get straightened up anyway, because everyone had been so good about the whole night and nobody had been a twat. Only one or 2 people had been sick, and they'd managed to do it in the toilet so that was not too bad, though it did absolutely reek of it still in the morning.

As we were the only ones left alongside Marcus who'd brought his own, Steve offered us a fried breakfast. Well, it was one of those microwave ones from Tesco, and he only had 2 left so we shared it between us and had a coffee. It took waving bacon in his face and un-reclining the chair to get Dan up but we woke him eventually. We looked at some of the pictures I'd taken and by 9am we left to go home and back to bed. Dan went to sleep again for an hour or so before getting up for work, bless, he was so tired! I didn't mind the extra too before going in to town to meet Wez.

Well I guess I should post some of the pictures, and explain as well! Steve had said it was a naked party, but, well, nobody really felt like getting naked especially not the girls! Most of the guys at some point got topless, and April swapped shirts with Ed at one point too which made for a fantastic photo. Steve wore some of Sue's shirts too which just made for some of the best pictures of the night! Well, see for yourself. Oh and there's also a brilliant reaction shot of Wombat trying "Wine in a Can" - my catchphrase of the night and a truly terrible beverage!

Ok confession time. I've been half watching the entire first series of Spaced today. I thought, you know, I'll make bacon and egg sarnie for breakfast and watch one episode, but I sort of a little bit accendentally pressed play all... Was planning on finishing blog and going to Bournemouth, but now looking at potential of quick shower then in to town to pick a couple things up, and on to Blandford. Was planning on pubbing but then got the tiniest of hints... "hey hope you made it home ok, im still tired lol, want to go back to bed with you, if you get the comics, you could always come to mine first for a gaming sesh before going to the pub, up to you Xxx" then 5mins later "ps i finish at 3 today" - well it looks like I'll go for some gaming but fear not I'll be posting the inevitable record of my win as soon as I catch up here :D Ahh irony, as I write I get a call - "so do you fancy coming down this afternoon then?" Oh alright, if you're going to twist my arm :) would have suggested it myself but, you know, I'm paranoid and don't want to be a pain in the ass girlfriend who keeps wanting to see him when he has other things to do :) away with me! To town!

Nobody was harmed in the making of this blog, except this guy.

Jenivere Out