BrainVomit - Change of Luck, Dependance, and Radio Silence

Today my luck took an odd lot of shifting. I woke up to the phone ringing, and shortly after got the message saying I could go in or the scan today if I called them back to confirm. So I did so and got it booked for 1:45pm. They asked me to get there for between 1:15 and 1:30 so I had a relaxed morning, a long bath, and planned the bus I'd need to catch.

I walked down in time for the bus, but after 5minutes it hadn't arrived. I guessed it had gone by early and figured I'd still have time to get the next one as they come at 10minute intervals anyway. The time for the next bus came, and went by again, when it was 5mins late for that one I was at panic stage - if I missed the scan appointment there'd be a long wait for the next one and I'd be wasting time someone else could have needed. Luckily, a different bus came by and I got to town centre just in time to hop on the next bus to the hospital. I wasoriginally going to walk to save money but I bought a return ticket because quite frankly walking is still rather uncomfortable.

I got there in time, and after checking in at the dest I was sat waiting for about 25minutes before I was wheeled down to the right department. I could have walked but I guess it was easier that way and I didn't have to figure out directions for myself. They dropped me off and I was shown to a cubicle to go for the old gown combo. Another 30mins of waiting and they had the paperwork they were waiting for and I went in for the scan. It was an ultrasound across the veins to locate any potential clots in there. Thankfully they found none and after changing back and another wait I was wheeled back upstairs. Another while of waiting and I was seen by the DVT doc who reaffirmed the scan showed all clear and that I was free to go but had no insight as to what was causing the continued pain. The only advice I was given was go home and if it continues go back to the GP again. Great. So it's probably another "stress related" thing, known as an act of god in some circles, or in others simply one of the world's more annoying mysteries.

So that's it, there's no big problem but it's still intensely painful to walk anywhere and by the end of the day I can't even wiggle my toes without pain shooting through the muscle. Fantastic. I would probably be more relaxed if they'd found a clot because at least then it could be treated, get better, and I wouldn't look/feel like a hypochondriac lunatic.

The other thing getting to me today is that I miss Dan. It's not just that I miss him so much as right now I really want to hear from him. It's crazy, I'm not normally this dependant, but there's been so much stress over the past couple of days...and though I now don't have to worry about any more painful jabs or trips to the hosp I'm feeling lower than ever. Sometimes I feel like I want nothing more than to talk to friends, be around them, stuf like that, but I don't want to be moaning about problems or focussing on them. I used to be that whiney depressed one in the corner and I feel like I'm going that way again which is not what I want. At least here it's easier to sit in the background without dragging anyone else down with me.

I wish I was tired enough to go to sleep so I could just wake up in a day or so time when I can see people again, I'm sick of being so lonely with nothing to do but fill in endless forms applying for soul-crushingly pointless jobs I'm overqualified for and looking at the empty space where not even rejection letters fall. It does have a funny way of making a person feel entirely useless when they don't even get a reply from a ridiculous shop job with training provided when they have a ton of experience in the role and plenty of good grades behind that too.

To pass the time I've been trying to make a level on LBP, building my own rocket powered rollercoaster. It's not as easy as I'd hoped, and the frustration is depressing me more. I'm tempted to just go for some Fallout 3 to kill time until I can sleep again but all I want is to hear from the person I care most about. He's probably run out of credit or gone to sleep after long day at work, so I'm not paranoid about it or anything silly like that, I just miss him now. I didn't realise how dependant I've become on his presence and words to lift my mood. Maybe it's not even so much dependance, as just how low I feel now I crave that which makes me happiest.

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~

When did it happen? When did missing you turn from a distant apathy to a longing for just one more kiss, one moment in your arms... I'm holding my breath waiting or just one word, because tonight any word will do as long as it comes from you.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Seriously? Anything Else Want to Fuck Up?!

So that leg cramp. I went to the doctors this morning and after a wait of about 40mins to be seen in "open surgery". One short appointment and long phone call later and he was sending me off to the hospital with a letter for a blood test for DVT. Dan was waiting outside for me, ready to catch the bus to town so he could get the next one to Blannie in time for his shift at work. He got me a return ticket and we parted at the station, leaving me a 15 minute slow shamble to the hospital.

I was there for about 45mins before I got the blood test, which was bad enough. I hate needles, never been good with them, and for the first time having this lot of blood taken made me hot, dizzy and sick. Not fun. After some further examination I was given some water and asked to come back in about an hour and a half for the results. Great, more walking with a painful leg. Fantastic.

Went slowly to town and wandered about, got lunch and sat for a while. Bumped into a couple of mates and talked a few mins before slowly ambling back to the hospital. Another 35 minute wit after the given time and I had results. The test was for the signs of possible deep vein thrombosis. Though they wouldn't give a full diagnosis, if negative it would rule out DVT as a possibility, meaning it is more likely a muscle pull or strain.

Well, tests came back positive. The next step is to confirm presence of a clot with a scan, which has been booked for Tuesday. Until then though, treatment starts immediately. They do this as a precaution, no clot no harm done but if there is one and it's left untreated there's a lot more risk if it moves to heart or lung. Not much choice really. Thing is the treatment at the start is daily injections at the hospital, just what a needle-phobic wants to hear.

Had the first one there and then. It has to go in the stomach for various reasons, and thankfully the jab itself I barely felt, but it was after it hurt like hell. See, the stuff they inject is fairly oily which causes a hot stinging burning sensation, like a nasty bee sting. Lasted a good couple hours, and I had to sit and drink water right after because I felt suddenly sick and dizzy again. Most likely stress but still not pleasant at all and I have this to look forward to daily until at least Tuesday, or longer if the scan shows a clot.

Of course all this is just adding to the stress and depression, along with news my stepdad's lung has reinflated but still leaking into his chest cavity. Hopefully should heal and be out by friday but it's still worrying. I'm just hitting a high on stress and a low on mood now, and dreading the next jab to the belly-flab. Maybe I'll just play lbp and fallout 3 until I fall asleep. :( not like this jobless loser has anything better to do with her time than waste it.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Bad Luck Becomes Ridiculous

When does luck stop becoming luck and turn in to a complete and utter joke? I'm wondering if I've inadvertantly pissed off a gypsy or accidentally done what Svetlana did in NightWatch and cursed myself. Woops. Goodness knows, but I'm getting a little sick of it now.

So not only have I lost 2 beloved pets in as many weeks, but I've had recurring and utterly splitting headaches that are just not affected by painkillers, sleep, drinking more or any of the traditional cures, I've had a cramp in my leg since yesterday which is making walking nigh on impossible because the pain gets so intense so quickly. Last night I had all the painkillers I could, rubbed some anti-inflammatory gel into it and still when I went to bed it was so painful I couldn't even literally pick my leg up and lift it without it hurting more. Because of that today has been largely wasted indoors on Little Big Planet because the idea of walking to and from the bus stop and sitting in a cinema for a couple of hours if it caused it to really flare up.

On top of this mum called this afternoon to say that my stepdad went in to hospital this morning with a collapsed lung from the lingering emphicema at the top of his chest. It's being drained and he should be out tomorrow all being well, but I'm still worried about mum knowing she's running to and from the hospital and trying to catch up on the work she's missed today at home. I've never really seen eye to eye with Dave either but I guess these days we get along well enough. It's just that one more bit of stress that I really don't need.

It seems like I should be happy with the other things around me but I'm continually becoming more and more dragged down by this re-occurence of depression . It's starting to make me moody and I don't like that at all. I don't even know what to write now, I'm sat next to Dan who's attempting to build a level on LBP. Maybe I should just help that effort instead. :s

BrainVomit - A Long Time, Relapse, and Staring Right In The Face Of It.

I've not written in a while. A lot of the reason for that is always being out, being away, spending time anywhere but at home in this small room with only a console and this small screen for company. I'm not even going to attempt to cover the entirety of the time missed out in the middle as I usually do but will attempt instead a brief (hah) summary of the important changes and events.

I've had a run of abysmal luck, and to be honest it has begun to affect me in odd moments of depressive relapse. See, depression isn't something you can ever truly get rid of, only stave it off for as long as you can before it comes back then try to fight it back again when it does. One of the worst things about it is when you have it you become intensely aware of how much of a whiney twat you must sound like to everyone else and how much it brings down the moods of those around you also. It's difficult also to often know why it occurs, whether it's just a build up of stress and minor annoyances swallowed back and bottled up so long it just boils over into a brief meltdown until enough pressure is released to put the lid back on, or whether it's the effect of repressing those bad times in life for so long that you almost forget them, then remember them all suddenly and find it difficult to forget. Sometimes, it's just like feeling bad when you have no real reason to. Either way the problem itself causes an almost complete psychological inability to feel happy despite all things that would normally make you happy or cheer you up. It's not because you don't want to feel happy, you just simply can't.

Sometimes, when this happens, you get the feeling like you want to be alone, like all the attentions and affections of friends are too overbearing, but then when you are alone all the bad feelings are intensified because there's nothing there to distract you from feeling that way. Personally, I often seek solace simply because I can't stand to bring down the people around me. Much as they may say it's ok, they don't mind, they'd rather help, and much as I may believe that also, it's just that bit more crushing to know how you feel is making others feel worse when you are so completely powerless to change it. But anyway, enough rambling on that, let's cover some lost time instead. But maybe this will help explain some of the things that follow, I'm not sure, I can't say I'm entirely thinking straight today so I apologise for any resulting sporadic subject changes.

I left off the day before I was to say the final goodbye to my most beloved pet of, well, all my life. I drove to Blandford almost automatically, but was running late by the time I got to the meeting place. Mum wasn't annoyed though, she understood and I had let her know the roads were a nightmare getting down so that was one bit I could relax about. We talked in the car nearly all the way to Gillingham.

When we arrived I just wanted to see Tosca, to know how bad she really was and if we were making the best decision. I'd seen her going downhill over the last year but from what I'd heard over the last 2 days the steady descent had hit a sudden sharp decline. I saw her wandering in to the kitchen, she was wobbling on her back legs, looking more untidy than ever (which is a big thing with cats, you always know they're seriously ill when they stop washing and get tangled fur) and though she happily tucked in to her dinner of raw liver which she'd been having all week there was something wrong, she kept looking a little confused. I sat down and had a cup of tea to talk to mum and my stepdad, Dave, and the cat wandered off upstairs to sleep. Her bed had been taken down as we didn't expect her to go back up but she was happy to lay on the carpet in her usual place under the radiator even without the soft comfort of the folded up old dog pillow.

I spent a good deal of time up there with her, talking to her, stroking her, listening to her sweet purr and thinking about all the times we'd spent together. Mum came upstairs after a while and we went to look at some old photos while she rested, the time ever counting down to the dreaded hour. She opened a box of jumbled photos and the first one we found was this one. It was like it was just meant to be.

Shortly after we found a few more lurking around. The first 2 were from when we'd just brought her home, I was 4 years old. She saw me through everything in my life, the good times and the bad, and was the only one who ever truly loved me for exactly who I was. Whenever I was ill she'd spend the whole day curled up with me, whenever I felt sad she'd come to me with a purr and her signature headbutting kiss to the nose. We understood each other on a level so pure I don't think I'll ever have a connection like that with anyone or anything else. It was something completely different.

Seeing her as she was though, it was difficult to think of her the same. She was confused, she would get up for a drink, have a few sips, then move to curl up again but then look baffled and turn around to drink more, then decide to lay down again. It was painful to watch just how bad she was but comforting to know it had only happened over the last 2 days and that she was still purring and able to be happy to see me still. I took some video of her, realising I didn't have any and knowing I'd want to keep some memory of her.

When the dreaded hour came we had our one final cuddle and I eased her into the box on a blanket. she was confused and unhappy and it was the hardest thing ever to take her in the car on my lap, hearing her meowing in protest to the movement and knowing where we had to go. Knowing it was the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier. I cried an awful lot that day, but she died looking at me with my hand stroking her as the injection too effect and she slowly eased down for that last sleep. I guess in some ways it was easier knowing that I'd done it before for another of my beloved pets many a year ago and had seen the process also while doing work experience in a vet. It was disappointing that the vet hadn't been briefed and happily asked us what he could do for her when we came in but I guess in a busy clinic not all notes are passed on. It would have been easier if he had seen her before too but I guess that's how it goes. I made one request, for a clipping of her fur, and agreed with mum that she would be cremated seperately so I could have her ashes when they came back. That night I went back to Dan's in Blandford, and he somehow manaed to console me and make me feel better.

There were other photos we came across in those boxes though, ones I havent uploaded. Again from when I was very young, there was one of myself and my half brother Ali, my dad's son, who died a few years ago in circumstances that were never made clear to me. Also we found a picture of my gramp, who died when I was about 7, holding me when I was just a baby. When I was alone again it brought home some more of those feelings of loss and confusion, and the bad feeling of never bein told what went on. I'd always been left to assume gramp died of kidney failure, because he'd already had one of them removed and nobody told me otherwise, but it wasn't so long ago that someone told me he actually had heart disease and died of a heart attack in his sleep. As for Ali, well if anyone knows what really happened they never told me. He was hit by a train, but it's the circumstances that are unclear. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years, not since he'd left dad's after many a row and gone to live with his mum instead. Turned out he was living in a tent in her garden and was involved in drugs somehow. No idea on specifics, like what it was or if he just used them or did more than that, because nobody thought it important to tell me. But it leaves open the question how did it happen, his friends seemed to think it sudden and there's always questions when drus are involved as to whether it was an accident or suicide or if it was just meant to look that way. His uncle, Ian, who I'd seen a fair few times in my childhood when he lived in Poole and we visited them, told my mum at the time he'd be in touch if he found any more details, but she never heard anything back from him. I'm assuming if dad knew anything it would quite probably be too hard for him to bring it up now. But there it is, the persistence of loss affecting my mind.

The few weeks between then and now have been relatively uneventful, so I'll try to be brief about the few occurences of mild interest. One Saturday, Wez was leaving for Uni and having one last night out at the club, and on the same night April was having a birthday do at the pub. We went to the pub first to wish her well and made arrangements to go to the club with Zac and Emski after. It was an anything goes fancy dress night with the annual awards going out at midnight (best theme attendance, best dancer, most loyal customer etc). I went in my bo peep outfit as I assumed Wez would use the excuse to go as a sheep. The others with me didn't bother really, Dan wasn't interested in it much and had to work the next day and the other 2 didn't care. It was a shame, it can be fun to go all out for these.
We got there, and Wez had gone all out as supersheep of Worms fame, but nobody else had really bothered much. Unfortunately the night didn't go well for me. I'd had one pint at the pub, but didn't have any money for more so had mostly sobered while getting to the club. The slow sobering while awake tends to make me feel a bit down anyway.

I'd hoped Dan would take the hint and remember his offer to buy me a couple while we were there but he returned from the bar with a pint for himself, and we all just sat in the corner. The music wasn't catching me that night, the mix was a bit rubbish, so we were talking. Dan fell asleep on me and I slowly realised I just wasn't talking to anyone and was staring at the ceiling instead. I got given a free drink ticket at one point so I went for a shot of chilled Jager hoping it would perk me up a little but it really didn't.

The whole time we were there I knew Dan just wanted to be home sleeping but had come along for my sake so I could say goodbye to Wez before he left for Uni land. Zac and Emski kept dropping not to subtle hints too - "we're fine to leave whenever, if you want to go early just let us know". I was interested in seeing who won the awards, because I figured one of my mates had to get one for something, so I wanted to wait until midnight when they said they'd do them. Instead I felt so pressured by everyone and with then sobering up from the Jager the depression really started to set in. It wasn't helped by the fact I still felt guilty for accidentally elbowing Dan in the nose a few days previous which had made it a bit uncomfortable for him, but then while he was sleeping on me Chrispy thought it funny to shove a strip of cigarette filters up his nose waking him up annoyed and in pain. At that point I just wanted out so I went outside and stood out there until I felt too cold and had to come back in.

I didn't want to be stuck around feeling bad about bringing everyone down, and not even having fun, while constantly being reminded that everyone I was with wanted to leave and were pushing me towards it further and further. By 11:50pm I got pissed off, I'd had enough of the unsubtle hinting and constant feeling like crap, it was obvious there was no longer any point me being there even as a token gesture so I just said fine fuck it you all want to leave so badly let's just go there's no point staying any more anyway. I'd been in and outside anyway trying to be alone but a couple of times people just happened to find me there and said they wouldn't leave until I told them what's wrong so I just walked away from them. I feel bad for that, it was not the kindest choice, but I couldn't take their company and didn't want to lash out at them. I'd asked them nicely to go, and it seemed the better option to just leave myself and get away.

I made arrangements to see Wez on the Thursday before he left in Blannie, and we ended up spending the day together there just wandering about, hanging out, talking and the like, and playing hangman in the pub over a couple pints of coke. That was a much better way to say farewell, and I apologised for being that way on the saturday but I realise now I was just trying to do too much when it would have been good enough to just say no and stay home.

Another week I've missed in this blog was when Dan's mum went on holiday for a week, leaving us to look after the house and cat. I brought over my PS3 and we set it up downstairs so I'd have something to do while he was at work in the day some days. It seemed pointless me going home in the day when there was a free house and I would only be doing the same thing there. one night I cooked us both lamb steak with veg and mash, which was nice because I hadn't cooked for him before and he liked it.

Another day that week he made plans to go to "camera club". I had no idea what this was only that he'd been before a long time ago (when he still had long hair) and had one of his photos in a book, I think it was this one or something similar.

Anywho, he'd arranged to go there, I was feeling a bit out of sorts and he didn't really explain what it was or what to expect, just that it doesn't happen often and that he'd been asked to go there by the one whose book he was in. His sister was supposed to be there with the kids too, but that's all I knew. We had to get a taxi to some local village town hall, and we turned up to see a line of people with cameras sitting down, and someone taking photos of Dan's sister while her boyfriend and the kids were sat over in the corner. We went to join them and I ended up with one of the kids sat on my lap while they waited. The kids went up for photos next, together and individually, and it seemed that photographers were choosing who they wanted to get pictures of and taking a few different shots of them. One thing I forgot to mention was I didn't have anything smart to wear, and wasn't expecting it, so was ready to go in denim skirt and a tshirt when Dan suggested I change. I ended up in my jeans and one of his smart shirts. I didn't feel myself and was already feeling down and more than a bit self conscious but he was insistent we had a nice photo together so I thought well what's the harm in that.

When the kids had had a load of photos we were the only ones left really so Dan went over and they sat us down together. It seemed like nobody was interested in taking any photos and I was exceptionally uncomfortable faking a smile in an uncomfortable chair feeling so intensely self conscious. I'm not confident, and I don't like the way I look, it wasn't the way I'd normally plan an evening but I was there for him. When a few snaps had been taken of us together I got up and Dan had a lot of solo shots taken by several photographers requesting him. I was stood at the side watching, holding his glasses or coat when needed, and all the while feeling so insignificant next to him. I'm not complaining really, it's something I've come to accept that when I'm with him I'll always be standin in the shadow of his confidence, his charm, and his popularity. I'm just not that person, and trying to be would be lying to myself. Of course, I try to be confident, I strive to improve myself and make more friends and the like but I'll never be at his level. It's just not who I am. I'm a doormat, submissive and happy letting people make the decisions most of the time. I get walked over a lot...

Anyway, not much else exciting has happened other than the aforementioned. I finally got an interview for a job, and didn't get it. The unemployment factor is starting to really get to me now. I am penniless and feel useless, always having to rely on someone else to pay if I want to do anything interesting with them. At first, it seemed ok, I didn't think it would be for long so it was like a holiday from the constant working previous and with the rest of my life upside down it was do-able. Then I had the enthusiastic prospects of university, which fell through like most of my other dreams. Then came the prospect of the job I went for the interview for. Youth work in Bournemouth, finally doing something useful, starting on the right path, but there were 9 jobs going and 35 of us in interview. Everyone else was either working in youth work already or had a degree, it's amazing I got that far really from the 80 people that applied but I was still bitterly disappointed by the rejection letter. Now I'm back to applying for shitty unfulfilling jobs in retail because I have all my experience there, and still despite the many years experience, good qualifications, etc etc, I still don't even get any rejection letters let alone interviews. It's ridiculous and depressing. It's no wonder I'm feeling dragged back down in to it now.

The only thing that makes me feel better really is being with Dan, knowing I have that one bit of security and certainty in my life. I care about my friends dearly and they do cheer me up sometimes but most of them feel so far away now, I miss them. But you know even though there is that best part of my life I am still constantly terrified I'll fuck up somehow, in fact I was convinced I had in those 2 days, the camera club thing and that night at Sound Circus, I felt like I'd really messed up. I keep thinking I mess up all the time over stupid little things, maybe I'm just that scared of losing something so good and precious to me, but I can't even bring myself to tell him how I really feel because of the fear of rejection and humiliation recently instilled into me by certain events. I know it's completely illogical to be like that but since when have emotions had any kind of logic to them?

Anyway, there is one more thing to mention before I go. Staring right in the face of death, that ever persistant loss strikes once more. I came home the other morning to find Dad pulling at the arm of the sofa the way he does when he's stressed about something, and soon after he told me Carrie, one of our cats, had been run over by a car some time in the late night or early morning. He'd had the knock on the door in the morning and had just finished burying her in the corner of the garden not long before I came in. He'd had her for about 12 or more years, and was very close to her. I was too of course though probably not as much as he was. We got a little upset together and I made us both a cup of tea. He later went out sailing, sometimes you just have to carry on as usual. The cat, Carrie, we'd had from a kitten with her brother Barry. The 2 of them always used to sleep together, curled up paws wrapped around each other all snuggled up. They were incredibly close. The other cat, Zoe, wasn't as bothered because we'd got her later (and her brother Jerry who had to be rehomed a few years ago because he was too antisocial with the other cats) . But then, when we first moved here, when she came out of the box Zoe was a bit scared, and mewed a bit. When she went to Carrie, she washed her head in a very motherly way which nobody very expected from those 2. Zoe pined a bit that morning, sitting by the window mewing. Barry spent the whole day laying next to me on the bed, and for once not being a complete nuisance clawing at the keyboard or sitting on things I was using. You can say animals are stupid but you're wrong, they're far too intelligent, they just want you to keep thinking they don't know anything so they can bend you to what they want. When I went to Dan's that night, his cat Tigger mewed at his door at night and spent the entire night asleep on my chest. She kept waking me up by kissing and rubbing around my face then settling down again but I think it was her way of letting me know she was still there. Dan tried to put his arm around me while half asleep too but Tigger bit it as if to say "no, not tonight, that's where I'm laying". She was with us all last night too, which was the second night since it happened. Now I'm at home and it feels that bit emptier, haven't seen Barry all day but I'm in tonight so hopefully will cuddle him more then. He'll be lonely as he realises she's gone.

So where are we today? I'm sat here wondering when I should get up and get lunch, Dan's coming here tonight to stay because he has tomorrow off and finishes early enough today to get the bus here. I'm probably going to just play Fallout 3 for a while, tidy up a bit and wait for him to arrive. Dad's home because he was ill yesterday, though he seems to be feeling a bit better as he just swapped over the broken dishwasher for the on in the garage and is presumably fixing it up now before doing some other job around the house. I guess I should just carry on as usual, wasting my life with no other option but to sit here and try to stay entertained.

~~~~~~~ Thoughts of the weeks... ~~~~~~~

With the persistance of loss forcing me to stare in the face of death, I begin to see the frailty of my own life and the futility of perservering weighs heavily on my mind with only one who can help ease the burden with something as simple as a smile. But then, sometimes, my worst enemy is the return of my memories. If only I could forget all that came before, all that shaped me into this disfigured fool staring into a carnival mirror trying to make sense of the world.

BrainVomit - The End of an Era and The Persistance of Loss

I had an odd sense in my dream last night, despite disturbed sleep, like a thought or feeling that the form I requested would never arrive. See, last week I went twice to this place to ask for an application form but they didn't have one either time so I left my details for them to send one on. I was losing hope of it arriving but for once an employer actually responded and I got the form in the post this morning. I spent most of the day filling it out, and drafting and redrafting answers to some more complex questions (like "what have you done to develop yourself personally in the last 12 months") while I waited for time to pass to find out the night's plan.

Sometime about 2pm Dan called and said we would probably go to the pub tonight because Josh had told him he was going. I thought, great, I'll finish the app, shower, then be on my way to meet him for 6ish. Unfortunately, he called later to say Josh wasn't going now and it seemed like nobody else who we'd really want to see would be there either. We talked for over half an hour though, about nothing in particular, but when we finally hung up I felt happy. We agreed it'd probably be better if I just go over tomorrow instead and we'd have more of a weekend of fun instead. I'm still a bit groggy ill so it was probably good I didn't go driving to Blandford when the weather was still unsettled.

Anyway, a bit more time went by and mum rang. I thought at first it was a bit random but we had a little bit of a catch up, which we haven't in a while. Unfortunately she had some bad news about my beloved cat who now lives with her. I know I sound crazy and I know it's just an animal but I chose my cat from the litter when I was 4 years old. It was a litter from a rescued cat, a bad tempered tabby, and most of the kittens were black and white with a couple of gingers and they were all running around playing. But not this one. She was tortoiseshell (see picture below) and she was sat in the back corner. She looked at me, I looked at her and she wandered over. That was it, she was the one. We took her home and I grew up with her.

Aged about 12, this is a very old photo. Her eyes don't usually glow and the bow isn't a common feature either!

I named her after a book I had, as I was still very young of course, because it was a cute story and the cat in there looked just like her. Tosca. She took to the name well and got on with the other cat at the time just fine. We played, and when she was a kitten we somehow figured this little game where she'd run away a little, turn around, then charge at me and headbutt me in the nose full speed then rub around my face like a cat "kiss" as catlovers call it. Glasgow kiss from a cat. Who'd've thought!

As she got older she kept the same habits, developing new ones too like jumping to kiss my had if I clicked my fingers above her, or jumping from floor height over the top of my cabin bed (like a bunk bed but with wardrobe etc underneath instead of a second bed) and she'd always somehow land on my stomach or bladder, pinpoint, all four paws! Sod! Still, we grew closer. Any time I was ill she'd spend the whole day asleep with me, curled up and purring or rubbing around me when I kept coughing and sneezing. She seemed to know when I felt bad too and came to me and somehow made me feel a little better.

One day, in her youth, she was hit by a car after following a neighbour's cat's trick of sitting in the middle of the road until they stopped. Only, this one didn't. We thought we were going to lose her, her insides were damaged and she couldn't move her back legs. In one last try she came home with us from the vets, and because she couldn't drink I had to constantly dip my finger in water and let her lick the drip off. Slowly but surely, she got better. I was so happy when she started walking properly again and soon enough she was as fit as ever!

Unfortunately though those injuries are back to haunt her. She's been drinking an unusual amount more water for a while and has suddenly started having even more than that. This is normally a sign of kidneys failing. She's also losing the use of her back legs. Mum noticed her wobble the other day but thought it may be because she'd just got up and was sleepy, but it doesn't seem that way now. She also peed in the dog's bed in the house because she obviously couldn't get out in time. She's a happy cat, but she wouldn't be if she stayed like this.

Tomorrow I go to say my final farewell. She has had a great 18 and a half years of life and her body just can't take it any more. I have been expecting this a while but when I got the news I was still inconsolably upset for a while. I pulled myself together though, and after an evening of playing cards with my dad and cousin Craig who's visiting this week I felt a bit better. After we'd finished annihilating Craig at endless rounds of Shithead, we all talked about a few cats we've had passed and about Tosca.

I'm going to miss her so much, and will probably get incredibly upset again tomorrow, but thankfully I have a supportive family, a lot of amazing memories, and a boyfriend who completely understands and will be there to comfort me when I get back to his after it's all over. I'm going to drive to Blandford and leave my bike at his place, then mum's picking me up at 2pm so I can spend the last few hours with Tosca before it's time. I'll go with her, like I went with my old cat Gilby when it was his time (he had internal injuries after being shot with an air rifle by my bastard neighbour, but he was very old too when that happened, already completely blind).... I remember stroking him as they gave the injection and he just shuddered a little and laid down. It feels like a betrayal but I know if we let her go on she will only suffer, she's too old and too far gone for any hope of treatment now.

She's had a good, long happy life, I just don't know how to go on with mine without her. I don't remember her not being there, life before her is before my memory began. Sadly enough I'm closer to her than some of my own family. She's the friend that could comfort me without saying a word, the companion who'd listen to me no matter what I could say, the one who always somehow understood and accepted me even when I felt all alone in the world. We grew up together, I knew we could never grow old together but still, I wish she could live forever.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

It's an old oriental proverb that once taught me, "the beauty of a flower is in its nature to die", but still we cannot help but mourn the falling of the petal, the wilting of the perfect bloom.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Catching Up, Illness and Finding the Opportune Moment

Well I guess I have a lot to catch up on now, it has been over a week since I last wrote and there's plenty of ground to cover! It's going to be more difficult now to remember how things played out but I'll do my best, I should have updated sooner but last week was Dan's week off work so we spent the whole week together. I wasn't expecting it, I thought you know he might want a day to himself or something but no, in the end we spent all the time together and still not a bad word between us. I actually think he's perfect now, we've not even disagreed majorly on anything and we just work so well.... *sigh* why did I not meet him sooner? I guess things this good are more than worth the wait. Anyway, on with the tales...

~~~~~~~ Saturday 22nd August - Ladies Days and How to Scene It Up ~~~~~~~

The girlies came and picked me up as planned and we went in to town to do the neccessary. First stop was Burger King because they were all hungry, I'd had breakfast recently so went for a milkshake instead which is marginally better than more junk food... After some brief silliness we moved on down through town looking for some red shorts Louise wanted and presents for Chrissy T. On the way we stopped and took photos of Bev trying on silly glasses and later hats, which was all good fun!

Bev in BK being silly!

Wombat

Wombat and Bev

Me and Louise

Bev and the Owl

...we couldn't figure out why anyone would seriously wear these...

Big hat!

Little hat!

Lou hat!

Car park antics

We ended up in Primark, which always scares and worries me because I get those "you don't belong here" scowls from everyone in there... Still, we figured it might be a place to pick up some cheap accessories to go Scene. I went for some neon laces, and eventually we ended up in the lingerie section picking thongs for Chris. It's not always easy shopping for other people but then he's a rather camp gentleman at times so I found the perfect gift - a grey and white stripey thong with pink writing on the front that said "If you can read this you're a lucky guy". We figured he'd find it amusing at least, and it later turned out to be some funny timing! Louise found a pair of skinny pink leopard jeans for him too and eventually we paid up and moved on. Before we left though I had a call from Dan who'd been having a shit and busy day at work. I wanted to give him a hug there and then but sadly we were far too far away for that so I settled for just talking to him for a few minutes. Bless. He sounded happy he didn't have much of his shift left anyway and was finally getting a proper lunchbreak when he rang.

Anyhow, after we'd done in the bottom of town, we split up briefly so I could get the comics from the top of town for Dan. After getting them I popped in to the fancy dress shop next door to look for spray in hair colour that Lou and I had been looking for and not only found the perfect stuff for us but also another little gift. Everyone likes humourously iced and decorated marshmallow penises on sticks, right?! Shame I didn't take a photo of it first thinking about it, would've been a good one to pop on here!

We hadn't yet found shorts for Lou, so we decided to head for Boscombe (just past Bournemouth) in the hopes there'd be something at the alternative indoor market we'd heard of. It turned out when we eventually found it there was nothing there suitable and after a rush around the last places we could think of while running out of time I remembered a pair of red skinny jeans I'd put in the garage "for sale" pile that might just be her size. As they were due to drop me back home anyway I ran in and fetched them before they left. Turns out they were just perfect, if only I'd remembered them sooner!!

The evening came around fairly quickly from then on. I had a bath and helped clean up with dad ready for his guests to arrive for the housewarming. I sent Dan a couple of messages asking him to let me know when they were on their way from Blandford so I could be ready. Well I was almost done washing up when my phone started ringing. I quickly throw off the gloves and dry my hands to answer and it turns out they're at the sodding door! I mock berated him a little bit for now giving me much warning and let them in. I finished washing up and got changed into my gear for going out. The others were pretty much ready but we wanted to do our scene kid hair and makeup. I put my hair back and went to the bathroom to spray the colour in to it, which I did in stripes and t showed up rather well. After I'd don mine, I had plenty left and ended up doing stripes for Emski and Dan and the tips of Zac's hair too. We all looked fairly cool, and used up all of one can but it was well worth it for 4 hairdo's!

Dan did his eyeliner, as he used to a few years ago when he was more "goth" like I used to be, and then he did mine for me too - first time I've ever let a guy do my makeup but he did a fairly good job! The others were sat talking to my dad and some of the guests as they arrived, and eventually we were all ready to leave. When we got to the club we parked next to Louise and we were all going to go in together, but unfortunately Louise managed to lock her keys in the car, in the ignition! Woops! We stayed to try and help, and there was a big queue to get in so we didn't rush over, but time was closing in so I tried to press the matter that we wanted to go over, get our free entry and hand stamp to get back in then come back out to sort the issue. Unfortunately when we got there the bloody woman in the window insisted it was 1minute past the deadline for free entry so after a short bit of being pissed off we paid and went off grumbling.

A couple of people had stayed with Lou for a minute while she worked out what to do so I went to find Chrissy T and give him the gift (which was wrapped by Dan and from both of us on the label) which was perfect timing because he was with the same gentleman we'd seen him with the last few weeks, they looked happy and both found the presents amusing which was good! I went back outside shortly after to help Louise. Bev was with her and they'd got hold of the insurance people who had called out a rescue company, but had told Lou they could turn up any time before 11pm! Louise was getting worried so she gave her parents a call just in case they'd be able to make the 40minute drive with her spare key to sort the problem. Luckily 5minutes later the rescue guy turned up to sort her out. I left them to sort it as Bev was still there and it wouldn't be long before it was all done and dusted. I had a few drinks and dances with Dan and others, we got our free drink tickets and plenty of photos too.

Dan looking goth/scene

Zac and Emski chilling on the sofa before we left

Birthday boy, scene as always!

Wombat, looking very un-Wombat-like

Zac and Emski chilling at the club

Charlie and I doing the worst fake smiles known to mankind!

Myself and Louise - seperated at birth?!

Chrissy T having fun

Emski and I with our striped hair :D

Left to right - Lucy, BoyLove starring Chrissy T, and Scott with Wombat's arm. Poor Lucy stuck in kissy corner! Good job Dan and I aren't like that eh :)

The night was spent as a usual Sound Circus night, getting pissed, requesting songs, taking shedloads of pictures, having a laugh and dancing/rocking out to good music. There were a couple of blips in the night, in that Emski and Zac had a bit of a thing, and we talked to them seperately, and some idiot puked all over the floor in the ladies making it impossible to stand in the queue for the remaining 2 loos.....ew...doesn't usually happen but it's pretty vile when it does. Also at the end of the night Wombat got quite upset in the car park. Something had been troubling her and the booze had just broken down that last barrier and let it out. She was more drunk than I've seen her and there was nothing we could say to make it better, so myself and her closest friends just hugged her and did the best we could. I left before them but they were only a few minutes behind and I knew she was with people who cared about her and would look after her.

~~~~~~~ Sunday 23rd and Monday 24th - MGO, Go Go Go! ~~~~~~~

We got back to my place and Zac and Emski went to share the upstairs room while Dan and I set down in my room for the night. Come morning Zac and Emski left to go home and Dan stayed with me. We spent the afternoon gaming and having fun together, then later it was time for some MGO with the Minions. I decided to let him play a few games with my character, but the silly sod lost me 2 levels in the process! Still, he enjoyed it and I found it fun tutoring him in the finer arts of MGO combat. I found, however, that it was virtually impossible now for me to play with a certain person without them rubbing me up the wrong way. Ho hum. I let Dan carry on for me instead.

The next day we spent just as relaxed, taking it at our own pace. I bought Dan his own MGO character so he could spend the day in training for another hopeful game in the evening with whichever Minions could make it. I just about broke him away from it for half an hour to have a gourmet lunch made mostly with leftover party food. Worked well enough for my standards!

~~~~~~~ The Week from There - Holiday Relaxation ~~~~~~~

We went back to Dan's sometime Tuesday and spent the afternoon and evening relaxing. If I remember rightly this was the day we bumped in to Dan's mate Will and he came back with us for a while to chill out. Dan got a bit ill that night but thankfully it passed by morning. Really odd, he had fever, coughing, headache, the works, but by the morn he woke up almost perfectly fine again. Maybe I'll explain that a little in my other blog ;)

Wednesday we went to Weymouth with Lay and a group of others to see Inglorious Basterds. It was a damn good film if a little long and oddly put together. More focus could've been given to the Basterds really but I guess despite being the films title they were really just the setup for something bigger. I shan't go in to any more detail than that for those that haven't seen it, but it was certainly Tarantino's work. And a hundred times better than Death Proof. But then, anything is better than Death Proof. We actually fast forwarded big sections of that film and missed out on nothing.

Anywho, Wednesday night we decided to head out pubwards seeing as it was a nice evening and midweek tends to be good for people being there, but despite arriving at just gone 9pm we were the only ones there! Chrispy turned up 10mins later, followed by some of the girls, but they didn't stay long as nobody was feeling too perky so we ended up wandering with Chrispy back to his to pick up an extra controller and headed back home with him for a few hours of gaming on Dan's 360. We went for all time fave CoD4, where I gave the boys a damn good beating. Chrispy did beat me on one or 2 matches but overall I came out top. Our last match was a knife only battle on Shipment. It was hilarious, the tiny map kept it quick and brutal, though we kept going in and out of the fabled "zone" so scores were even right to the end! It was a 150 point game, and I won with Chrispy just one kill behind me and Dan one kill behind him. tense, but hilarious all the way. We bid farewell at 12:30pm and got some rest before the next day.

We got up in fairly good time and bought explorer tickets for the bus, this meant we could get on any bus for the day so we could go on to Bournemouth cheaper after we'd been in Poole and done what we wanted there. So off we went, and before long in Poole we were sat on a bench with some ice cold drinks in the sunshine when lo and behold Will's standing in front of us! I noticed him first, grinned and nudged Dan telling him to "look up and slightly to the right" at which point he was happy to see his good friend again. We agreed to spend more of the day together again, and set off to a couple more places in Poole before going on to Bournemouth. We didn't do as much as I might have liked in Bournemouth but the guitar hero machine was switched off in Game, so we headed back a little earlier instead so I could pop to my house for a shower and change of clothes.

While we were out though Dan bought me some awesome gifts. He got me a new poster for my door, a Star Wars X-wing t-shirt, a Darth Vader backpack and another tshirt with a green grenade on the front! It's supposed to be CoD but the logo on the back is tiny...bit of a shame but I love it anyway! We got to mine with an hour to spare, so I leapt for the shower and got changed, picking up some clean clothes on route for the next day. We got back in time for the last bus home with a few minutes to spare. We hadn't had lunch though so I popped in to the fish and chip shop while Dan went to buy cigarettes in the shop next door and got us chops to share with onion rings and a couple of pineapple fritters. Tasty! Stashed in the top of a carrier bag, they were munched between us on the way home.

If I remember rightly Will left earlier so we chilled for a while before Zac turned up to take us up to the pub. For a nice change James (not to be confused with Jamesy, damn these same named people!) was there, he hasn't been around for a while but we always enjoy talking to him, usually about games and music but it's all good fun. We ended up having a doubles game of Poole, me and Dan vs Zac and James. Dan and I lost terribly but it was still good fun.

Unfortunately during this time Emily decided to take the piss. I don't know what her problem is but she's forever picking on Dan and that in itself has been winding me up immensely to the point where next time she does it I'm tempted to turn it back in her face. This time though, and I've done absolutely nothing to ever be mean to her or said anything against her, and in fact earlier that evening was joining in with the guys when someone was harassing her by phone saying I'd help kick their ass if they tried anything, but anyway back to the point....I've never had anything against her, apart from the fact she likes to annoy my boyfriend but we largely ignore that, but she turns around to me out of the blue and says something about the dark pink of my star wars shirt (the logo was white and pink on a black tshirt) clashing with my red skirt. I'm sorry lady but when the hell did I care about fashion, least of all what you have to say about it?! When we'd finished the game I went back outside, and sure enough the guys came out with me. Dan, James and Chrispy all had a complete "what the fuck" reaction at it, and told me she was out of order. I don't care, I honestly don't, I just would like to know why suddenly she feels the need to have a problem with me.

I get the feeling that it may well not just be the guys being a little fed up with her attitude, but I'm leaving alone unless she says anything to Dan or I again. If she does I'll let myself get angry and tear her down. She thinks she's untouchable because it's some kind of unwritten insensitive taboo to have a go at someone who is that overweight, but I'm sorry if she has that much of a problem that I'm happy with who I am and how I am that she feels the need to try and bring me down she can go fuck herself. Dan has also since told me, as when he moves departments at work and she will be his supervisor, that she has threatened to give him disciplinaries and says she has the power to fire him. She has some issues right there with control and abuse of power, she doesn't have anything on him to fire him and if she tries to bullshit a disciplinary against him I'll come down on her like a ton of bricks. I've already suggested to him that he speaks to management quietly and say she has made this threat outside of work and he's not sure how serious she was or if she's just joking, then at least they are aware that she may single him out for no good reason and to perhaps give him more of the benefit of the doubt, or better turn the disciplinary on her instead. I shouldn't get so frustrated about it, I know, but I don't understand people who feel the need to make other people unhappy, and I can see Dan stressing about it because he desperately wants to move department but will hate working under her thumb. She works out the shift rotas too. I'm not having her give him shitty shifts so we can't see each other either. Any hint of unfairness and I'll take her on myself. But enough of that.

We left earlier than we might usually that night because of Emily and being a little fed up, we weren't getting in to the mood as much as we could have so home it was with the plan of seeing Marcus in Yeovil the next day.

Unfortunately, though we were up fairly early we didn't bank on how early the bus left to Yeovil, there was one just before 10am from town centre and that was it until 2pm by which time it'd be too late. Slightly disappointed we decided not to waste a nice day and instead went through town, going in to a couple of shops and spending a good long time in the book shop as always. I looked for some more info on psychology but decided instead it would be best to go for modern study guides than another book from the 60's or earlier where treatment was more experimental and less understood.

The afternoon we spent having pizza and garlic bread which we bought from Tesco over the road and watching a bit of tv before some more gaming. We toyed with the idea of going to Poole that evening as we had plans for Saturday but preferred the plan of going to the pub. Seeing as it was a Friday night there'd be more likely to be more people around who we wanted to spend time around, and despite those we were not so keen on, they could be avoided easily enough.

The pub was good, we had a few drinks and saw Josh and his mate Tarry there on a pub crawl. As it was their first stop we convinced them to stay with us there longer seeing as there's not many pubs worth going to in Blannie. Most of the night there was spent outside, James, Chrispy, Dan, Matt (who I don't really know), Josh, Tarry and myself all having a good laugh and a great deal of crude jokes and the like. The girls stayed inside mostly, April was offended by the slightly insensitive but mostly hilarious jokes like the following - "what's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage." Ok so it's clearly insensitive but blatantly funny all the same! I don't agree with people keeping dead babies in their garages but come on, it's called a sense of humour lady you should try it some day. She also got a bit funny with me ever since the other week. It's a hobby of mine to jokingly hit on my straight women friends, but I also like to hug everyone, and since I jokingly hit on April using terrible chatup lines she has been really funny about getting anywhere near me. Silly homophobe really, I'm harmless, I have a boyfriend and I'm not a rapist so....you know...wtf lady?! Ho hum. Still had great fun with the guys anyway.

Coming closer to closing time, rather than going home we decided to go with Josh, Tarry Matt and Chrispy to The Railway which stays open all night on a Friday. They don't let anyone in after a certain time but they don't kick you out if you stay in. Unfortunately as the others ran on ahead I couldn't keep up, my knee had been playing up badly that night and we needed to stop at Dan's sister's and let the cat in anyway. We sat down a short while as we decided what to do, and it wasn't long after all that we went down to The Railway to catch up with the others.

Inside, I spent a lot of time talking to a rather drunk Josh. He told me something somebody had said to him, that made me quite angry. I have since confronted this person but have now blocked all forms of contact, even setting their email address as junk. I just don't want to hear it. They are dead to me now. I made every effort once to apologise, even for things that I hadn't done wrong, but not one apology was even acknowledged let alone accepted. I even offered them a short message of goodwill and get well soon once and yet again was ignored. I tried to make repairs from my own side by accepting that I'd never get an apology from the times they had wronged me, but this one last straw, the final betrayal has left me with no interest in knowing them at all. This person is so dead to me I'm not even going to mention their name, their grave in my mind shall remain an unmarked headstone.

On the other side though I talked to Josh an awful lot, some of it about my ex, and he got riled up at remembering how things were and he gave me a few big drunken rib-crushing cuddles and a kiss on the cheek going on about how happy he was I've finally got someone who isn't going to be an ass to me and who makes me happy. He does like to keep saying how it made no sense til he saw us together, bless him he's a good friend to have, it's nice to know there's a few people out there looking out for me.

The other person I spent a good deal of time talking to was Chrispy. I trust him, and count him as a good friend who I would like to know better and hang out more with because , well I just think we get on well. He reminds me sometimes of how I used to be and think at his age. Bless youth, ahh to be 18 again... We talked a good hour or so outside I think, I wasn't keeping track of time. I don't mind being a person to listen, it's nice to be trusted enough to be talked to and I will always try and be there when anyone needs to vent. Anyhow, when we went back in we discovered a very drunk Dan arguing with some more old friends he'd met up with about Gary Barlow. Far from questioning I just laughed, argued a little bit against the theory every girl likes him and shortly after watched Dan wander off to be a little bit sick, bless. He said later he has a 3 pint limit normally but had at least doubled that. Oh dear. He called us a taxi and when it turned up the landlord gave us a nod and unlocked the door so we could leave. Bless.

It was gone 3am and it was hilarious trying to get him inside! He kept doing the typical thing of loudly going "SHHHHHHH!!" and took his trainers off then put them outside saying something about he hoped the rain would wash them off in the night because there was a bit of sick on there. I called him "honey" at one point, while rying to coax him towards bed, but hilariously he turned around and said "I'm not honey, I don't have any bees!" - I cracked up at that one! It took a fair bit to get him upstairs, he insisted on sitting on the sofa then laying down asking for my shirt to keep him warm. I gave it to him after he got up on the condition we'd go right upstairs, so that he did, all the while going "SHHHHHHHH!" which was doubly difficult knowing his young neices were upstairs asleep! I got him in to bed, at which point he declared "LOOK! I found MY shirt you can have yours back now." I think he must've undressed overnight, he certainly didn't then because we went to sleep fairly quickly, drunken tiredness ftl!

~~~~~~~ Saturday 29th August - Sailing Seven Seas and Clubbing Fail~~~~~~~

I was awake early Saturday morning ready to go sailing with Dan and Dad in Poole, but hungover Dan was harder to wake then usual. Woops! Eventually got him up and breakfasted, then we hopped on the bus to Poole. He stopped to collect his preorder of the new Batman game and we got a lift back to my house to get ready. We were hungry already after a long and delayed bus journey so we had a quick sandwich before squeezing into our wetsuits to go. It was fun seeing Dan put one on for the first time, they can be a very snug fit and difficult to get right when you're not used to them. I still have the one I had in my late teens which still fits perfectly (if a teeny bit tighter around the middle) and was ready in no time.

We left together with all our gear on, so we left towels and spares in the car and went straight to rig up the boat. Dad worked on the sails while I got Dan kitted up in lifejacket and a harness for using the trapeze later. We took a few photos of him getting ready with Dad's new waterproof camera, which worked perfectly later too for getting action shots on the water!

Dan having a pre-sail smoke

Trying on the lifejacket, safety first!

Sexy!

It was fairly choppy, despite the glorious sunshine, so I was out on the trapeze at first. It was like being on a trampoline, the wind was strong and propelling us at a tremendous speed but this does mean there are plenty of waves. They're not very big at all but get a boat skimming through them that fast and it'll bounce along. Fun times, though not what we'd've normally gone out for a friendly sailabout in with an inexperienced crewmember. Still, after a little while we came in close to the shore of Brownsea Island and pulled sails in on the wrong side so we could stop. The boys had a smoke and I went overboard for a quick swim, which given the sunshine was rather refreshing.

Dan, before the ciggy got wet and wasted the last bit....giggles!

Soon after it was time for Dan to try the trapeze. I took loads of photos hoping some would come out ok because water kept getting on the lens. Funny thing is most of the photos make it look fairly calm and it was far from it! Dan unfortunaely lost his footing the first time he got right up and slipped into the side of the boat. He sat back down after that and let me take over, he wasn't keen on trying again in those conditions, I admit I fell then as well when we hit a big wave. It's perfectly safe because the harness holds you but I've had some massive bruises from hitting the side of the boat before.

Dad at the back, steering and holding the mains'l

Dan hooking on to the harness

Leaning back slowly...

Learning the ropes...

Easing out back further....

Almost.....

Wahey! He's out!

..and back in. "How was it?" ...."Wet!"

When you hit a wave, it hits you. In the face mostly.

Awesome action shot!

How it's done!

It gets wet and strong out there...

....and when you slip, you slip. Bang, ouch!

Of course, when you get it right you can look cool in an action shot when you tighten the sail in.

It's cold and wet when you get in though, brr!

Dad covering the boat. I just realised I didn't get a shot of it with sails up in action, woops!

We went back in after a good afternoon sailing which everyone enjoyed and after hosing down the boat (and them hosing me down while I held it steady too, sods) we went in for a shower. I swear there's no shower quite as satisfying as after a sail, strong jets and nice and warm, gets the blood back to the extremities and warms me up lovely. We met outside the club after and went back home for dinner soon after, we had worked up an appetite and Dan and I were planning on going out with Zac and James to the club for Cocktail of the Month night.

We chilled and had dinner until Zac and James arrived to go on to the club. We went in when we got there to find it was fairly empty which was a little disappointing. Still, we found our friends and greeted them, I carried a drunken Wombat around for a little while until she found Scott who then ignored her, so we went and danced instead. The music was really hit and miss that night, and we weren't feeling the vibe that much. I hit up on a couple of the cheaper cocktails that were vying for the cocktail of the month prize, but wasn't in too much of a heavy drinking mood. Zac left after a couple hours to go for a walk, and about 1230 Chrispy and James found him asleep in his car in the carpark. He was just too tired for it bless him and wasn't feeling the vibe either. Dan, James and I agreed we'd be happy to call it a night there and went on our way.

Rather than going straight home, our drunken hunger lead us as usual to Maccy D's all night Drive Thru. Dan opted for mozzerella dippers while I went for a cheap double cheeseburger. The others went for big meals and we drove around the car park to munch and talk. We had a good laugh again, the 4 of us, and then went back for more as Zac was still hungry. I had a Mcflurry, too tempting not to, and Dan had been craving burger after a bite of mine so went for one of those to fill up on.

We went home and Zac and Dan made plans to go out on the Sunday. I wasn't too bothered as it was Wimborne market and I'm skint, so suggested they go together and have a boys day out like they've been talking about for a while. I was due to have family arriving anyway so it worked out fine.

~~~~~~~ Sunday Lazy Sunday ~~~~~~~

I spent Sunday morning talking to my Aunt and Cousin who'd arrived, Dan did too until Zac came to collect him. We parted with hugs and kisses, and my family indicated approval when he'd gone on. My aunt was off to Devon so left after lunch, and Dad took my little sister who'd been dropped off out to the chinese circus in Bournemouth. Craig, my cousin, chilled with tv in the afternoon while I did some gaming. Later I invited him to join me for some games or Worms, which was fairly good fun. We won a game each but the 3rd I beat him perfectly! Dad was home by then and food was made, so we quit there and ate.

Later there was a bit of MGO going on so I joined, it was only 6 of us, core Minions. One of whom I had no interest in playing with but I'm not going to sacrifice my potential enjoyment. Unfortunately, though, I found myself just getting too stressed about things and not enjoying it so I left early. I spent the evening feeling a bit out of sorts and missing Dan more than a little. I'd spoken to him about the things on my mind previously and he had the strange way of not overlooking the issue but somehow helping me to accept it and look at the positives, that and he told me he'd just hug and kiss me until it was better anyway.

On that note there's things on my mind about that too. Not in a bad way though, no. Just trying to find the opportune moment to tell him something I've realised. It's been almost 2 months now, and it's awkward people mentioning a certain word because I don't think either of us use it lightly. But now I know it is indeed that, but people keep saying it before I find the perfect moment. It's not something you ever forget, the first time you say it to someone, and of course you have to mean it which is why I never say it prematurely. I want to be somewhere beautiful and alone with him, somewhere meaningful. If I could I'd get us back on the cliffs over Durdle Door where we first *almost* kissed and wait for the timing to be just right....but it's not that simple. *sigh*. I'm also almost scared it won't be mutual but then all the time we've spent together and the way we are does make me more hopeful it's reciprocated. I guess I'll wait, it can't hurt to let the feeling grow even stronger before I show him my true colours. The longer I wait the less afraid I'll be. I mean, I don't think I'm scared of falling any more. It's not gravity pulling me down, but a new wind beneath my wings making my heart fly. Anyway enough of that quasi-romantic bullcrap. On with the last leg.

~~~~~~~ Monday - Ill again ~~~~~~~

First cold of the season I think. I was drained on Sunday night and felt like crap when I woke up Monday. I spent the day relaxing hoping it would pass, and went on to Dan's for 6pm. I got there to find him snoozing as usual, which made me giggle, but soon enough he was setting up the film while I popped to the garage shop for snacks. He's in a Batman mood after the game's release so we watched Batman Begins and the Dark Knight anime collection that bridges the gap between that and The Dark Knight which we watched a few weeks ago. After that, I played a couple of the challenges he'd unlocked on the game to beat his score and then he played some singleplayer while I fell asleep from ill exhaustion. I felt a little guilty but I also felt like crap and the pills weren't helping much so I cuddled up next to him and felt a little better for doing so. It was 3am by the time the silly bugger got in to bed. Silly boy! Bless. He's addicted to Batman, I'll forgive him for now.

~~~~~~~ Tuesday - Marcus and Yeovil ~~~~~~~

Tuesday we made sure we were up early enough to get the one morning bus to Yeovil to see Marcus. It's been a while since we've seen him, it's a long way to go though, the bus was nearly and hour and a half! I felt ill but stayed awake because some guy kept giving me weird looks and it was making me edgy, Dan however was still shattered and was soon asleep on my shoulder. Cute.

We arrived about 1130am and wandered up through town to find Marcus. A short wander around GameStation later we were heading back down the high street to Chips, a little game shop that's the last mecca for ancient consoles and trade-ins. They still have a small selection of preowned PS1 games, and even had a Mega Drive 1 for sale and a good collection of N64 games too.

I've always found the staff in there to be great. Dan got a Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 poster from the wall after chatting to one of the guys working there about comics, and we ended up all standing chatting about Deadpool and the Disney buyout of Marvel for a while. We searched around for a couple of old classics we've been after a while but unfortunately no luck, shame as they often seem to have the ones we're missing. Still, after a long while chatting to them about games and comics, and trying to convince them to give me a Modern Warfare 2 poster (they said they don't have any left but to come back nearer release) we moved on. We went to a couple of other places and wandered down to the cinema hoping to see Funny People. Unfortunately, the next showing finished at the time our bus was meant to leave so we had no choice but to leave it, shame because that's the best cinema I've ever been to. We went next door to the bowling alley arcades where my ill-slowed-down reactions failed me at Time Crisis 3, but that didn't seem to stop me winning (and brutally so) a game of Air Hockey of the guys vs me. Bless, they tried but I shot them down so fast it was almost painful.

After that it was nearing the bus home. There was another, 3hours later, but it was on and off raining and we weren't too sure about what we could do for that long. We'd already been successful in HMV where I'd bought Dan a tshirt and myself a couple of great foreign films dirt cheap (Nightwatch for £3 and Pan's Labyrinth for £5) so we decided to catch the early instead. On the way we popped in to a shop we'd seen on the way through selling posters and suchlike. Dan found a few brilliant ones for himself and bought me an awesome Star Wars one and a mug with Star Wars AND Thundercats on - so much win in one mug!

After that last brief expenditure we were back on the bus after a farewell to Marcus. We hadn't been there long as it was only 2pm and thought over the decision but in the end decided it was the right thing. Anything we would have done form there would've cost more money, and as Marcus is as skint as me it wouldn't be fair to sit and eat lunch somewhere for example while he had nothing.

We got back to Blandford around 3.30pm and had a little wander in town before stopping at a coffee shop for lunch. Dan had a toastie and I went for quiche with salad, and we enjoyed just relaxing in the afternoon with that before wandering home. We played a couple of games together then he went on to the PC to check out the details of the Disney/Marvel buyout and feeling rubbish still I fell asleep on his bed.

Zac rang a little later to suggest going to the cinema in Poole. I admit when it was suggested I really didn't feel like it but by the time he turned up and we were on the road I felt a little better about it. We listened to some Nine Inch Nails on the way which was good, heard a few songs I've not listened to in a while and Dan enjoyed singing along to his favourite band. Bless his little cotton socks! We got there in good time and Dan bought my ticket as well as a drink each. He offered me food but I felt too rubbish to face eating, so he just got nachos instead. The cheese dip never looks that appetising in those...yikes.

So we did see Funny People after all. We were expecting it to be a funnier film though, it turned out to be a lot less of a comedy than we thought it would be. It did make us laugh, quite hard in places, but there was a lot of seriousness in there too. All in all it was good but damn was it long for what it was! We came out around midnight, Dan and I doing our usual weird-credit-spotting though Zac went straight out so we didn't have time to see if "man with bread in supermarket" got the credit he deserved for that superb role. We caught up with him no problem though and decided we were hungry but couldn't be bothered to do McD this time. Instead we went to the petrol station we'd been to a few times on our DHIBBS adventures and got some lovely cheese and ham croissants freshly toasted in their machine. Nice!

We sat in the car to eat them before going but ended up staying and talking for ages. Zac has been worried about Emski so Dan and I talked to him about it and how he should probably play it a little bit cooler and more relaxed, he's getting a bit too concerned about not getting texts. They're not together, but Zac is more interested in her and to a deeper level than I've ever seen him interested in anyone, and I think he's worried about losing the chance there. Dan and I talked to him for a while and hopefully he should relax a bit. It's not so easy though because as Zac said himself he sees Dan and I so happy together and really wants that kind of thing himself. The thing it's hard to convince him is you just have to let these things happen at their own pace. We've never been overly concerned if the other hasn't text back, or if we don't see each other for a day or 2, but that's not to say we don't care, we're just not over stressing about the little things. I guess it's the trust, I trust him to spend time with any of his female friends on his own if he wants though I'd be a tiny bit disappointed if not invited and vice versa. For once it seems easier to sort out my own relationship than other peoples'! Never thought I'd say that one :) but then there's nothing to sort out with Dan, it's all just right.

~~~~~~~

So anyway, now it's Wednesday and I've spent all day in bed feeling ill and writing to catch up. I might see Dan tomorrow, maybe just Friday now. He has to work Sunday but has Saturday off and mentioned maybe going to the Great Dorset Steam Fair (which is based in Blandford) that day, and I don't think I've been so it could be interesting, providing I get over this damn virus of course!

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Week ~~~~~~~

Some things are too broken, they are best buried. Do not weep for the past, it's past for a reason and the future can only be brighter when you leave the darkness behind.

Jenivere Out.