Ahh another good few days to cover and a couple of free hours to do it in before my lil sis arrives for the evening. Maybe I'll have to stop halfway and finish when she goes to bed, though not entirely sure she's staying tonight. Well on with it anyway, a lot has happened since I last wrote!
~~~~~~~ The Good, The Bad and The Downright Irritating ~~~~~~~
I'm going to start with the negative just to get it out of the way. First off is yet more messages from the ex. It's starting to scare me now that he's becoming completely obsessive about this and I may need to get his family involved just to make him back off, but there are still some things of mine at his house that I cannot abandon - my cd player, a rug which was a gift, my pc which was also a gift, and the tv remote which is bugging me not having. Maybe even the HDMI cable for the PS3 but I was going to buy a new one asap anyway for £10.
So anyway the latest messages, after the one on thursday when I last wrote are as follows... Oh and in brackets are just things I'm tempted to reply with, but of course I haven't replied. Dear reader don't be afraid to chip in - is he completely obsessive now or am I imagining things?!
16/7 || 2:41pm (half an hour after last message)
jen.... i know weve been through hell.. i know we damaged each other but i miss you dearly. I'm sorry for the pain i caused and im sure you dont see the 4 years we were together as happy now. But for me they were the only thing in my life that went right. i was never one to believe in fate but i honestly believed you were my soulmate... im so sorry i let everything fall apart. without you my life has gone to hell... and i cant cope any more.
16/7 || 2:43pm
there was alot that i did wrong that i cant justify but i still want explain why it happened
(Fucking right you can't justify, jackass, and I know exactly why so save it for someone who gives one because I don't.)
16/7 || 2:54pm
you really are the only person that has given a damn about me enough to try to help me. i keep looking back on everything and i miss it so much...... even down to your 5 day insomnia where you told me id be your luitenent against the pineapples in the sky... things ended badly but i still remember you as the closest friend ive ever had
(That memory was years ago, and what did you do when I tried to help? Exactly. Dickhole.)
16/7 || 4:49pm
i love you so much jen
(Tough shit. It was months ago. You're obsessed.)
16/7 || 7:06pm
nothing or no one had meant anything close to what youve meant in my life. you mean everything to me and i hate myself for making so many horible mistakes. you are my entire world.
(I'm not yours!)
17/7 || 11pm
jen i think i saw your mum today at the doctors. She wasn't looking to well. Is she ok? it got me kind of worried.
(Don't think I'm replying just because you are acting all concerned about my mother. You think I don't know? She has a sinus infection and now has antibiotics. She's fine.)
18/7 || 6:24pm
I know I probably mean nothing to you anymore... but you still mean the world to me. since the day i met you youve only become more and more important to me.
(Since the day you met me you've only become more and more obsessed and reliant on me. But I'm gone. You treated me like shit and I left, months ago, now I'm living my life, enjoying it, and sharing it with someone a million times better than you were or ever will be.)
And for the other negative? Well it seems someone is so unwilling to accept their own flaws, of which we are all guilty myself included, that they are presumably taking what I previously wrote exceptionally badly and kicking back by deleting me from Facebook. Well, whatever, you carry on the childish games I'll carry on writing whatever the fuck I like right here because it's my blog, my thoughts, and if you want to read it and take it as a personal fucking assault then you just go ahead and do that. I must need to eat more fiber or take some ex lax because no matter how hard I try I just can't give a shit about what you think. Maybe that's my flaw, maybe it's my failing that I felt the need to rant about you and not hide that fact but I don't care, I accept my flaws and try to find ways to get past them and better myself in the process. Maybe you should do the same. If I wanted to insult you personally I would go ahead and do it to your face. I don't have a problem with you, I'd like to be your friend, but I'd really like to see you better yourself, or just accept the apology and swallow your pride enough to admit we were BOTH wrong.
Well I just had a charming email to tell me my Uni application is now in clearing. I have failed to get in to either course when I'm 10 FUCKING POINTS SHORT on UCAS! Pissed off. Actually, no pissed off. Crushed, utterly crushed. I wanted this so badly, I wanted to actually be able to help people to use my life to make a difference in other people's lives. I might just get in through clearing if there's places after 20th August when they're released but if not the only option is to try and find then fund college to get some more A levels. I should really be spending time with my little sister right now but it's actually so hard to keep myself together I just can't cope with a hyperactive 5yr old.
Oh good. Lovely. Perfect. Dad came in with Kaitlin to sort out pizza, I really tried to hint I didn't care what was ordered and they shouldn't be there but on she picked up on my mood and started crying. Didn't help that dad mentioned it and told her I was sad and why I was. Couldn't he have left be? She doesn't need to know I'm unhappy when she's already half scared of me because she hasn't seen much of me when she was growing up and her mother is poisoning her against me. I'm not being paranoid, I think I ranted before she told Kaitlin not to listen to what I tell her to do or not to do. Good going genius, let's see how that works out when I have to tell her not to do something dangerous. Anyway. I have a few minutes now. Thank fuck they've gone to get the pizza. This is possibly my only chance to just let it out and belt it back up again and paint on a smile.
Enough of that, positive to follow later. As you can imagine, I'm not in the right frame of mind to blog about party, awesome as it was, and weekend, awesome as that was too. Later. Pictures too. Promise.
~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~
You never quite know how much you want something until it's pulled out of reach.
Jenivere Out.
~~~~~~~ The Good, The Bad and The Downright Irritating ~~~~~~~
I'm going to start with the negative just to get it out of the way. First off is yet more messages from the ex. It's starting to scare me now that he's becoming completely obsessive about this and I may need to get his family involved just to make him back off, but there are still some things of mine at his house that I cannot abandon - my cd player, a rug which was a gift, my pc which was also a gift, and the tv remote which is bugging me not having. Maybe even the HDMI cable for the PS3 but I was going to buy a new one asap anyway for £10.
So anyway the latest messages, after the one on thursday when I last wrote are as follows... Oh and in brackets are just things I'm tempted to reply with, but of course I haven't replied. Dear reader don't be afraid to chip in - is he completely obsessive now or am I imagining things?!
16/7 || 2:41pm (half an hour after last message)
jen.... i know weve been through hell.. i know we damaged each other but i miss you dearly. I'm sorry for the pain i caused and im sure you dont see the 4 years we were together as happy now. But for me they were the only thing in my life that went right. i was never one to believe in fate but i honestly believed you were my soulmate... im so sorry i let everything fall apart. without you my life has gone to hell... and i cant cope any more.
16/7 || 2:43pm
there was alot that i did wrong that i cant justify but i still want explain why it happened
(Fucking right you can't justify, jackass, and I know exactly why so save it for someone who gives one because I don't.)
16/7 || 2:54pm
you really are the only person that has given a damn about me enough to try to help me. i keep looking back on everything and i miss it so much...... even down to your 5 day insomnia where you told me id be your luitenent against the pineapples in the sky... things ended badly but i still remember you as the closest friend ive ever had
(That memory was years ago, and what did you do when I tried to help? Exactly. Dickhole.)
16/7 || 4:49pm
i love you so much jen
(Tough shit. It was months ago. You're obsessed.)
16/7 || 7:06pm
nothing or no one had meant anything close to what youve meant in my life. you mean everything to me and i hate myself for making so many horible mistakes. you are my entire world.
(I'm not yours!)
17/7 || 11pm
jen i think i saw your mum today at the doctors. She wasn't looking to well. Is she ok? it got me kind of worried.
(Don't think I'm replying just because you are acting all concerned about my mother. You think I don't know? She has a sinus infection and now has antibiotics. She's fine.)
18/7 || 6:24pm
I know I probably mean nothing to you anymore... but you still mean the world to me. since the day i met you youve only become more and more important to me.
(Since the day you met me you've only become more and more obsessed and reliant on me. But I'm gone. You treated me like shit and I left, months ago, now I'm living my life, enjoying it, and sharing it with someone a million times better than you were or ever will be.)
And for the other negative? Well it seems someone is so unwilling to accept their own flaws, of which we are all guilty myself included, that they are presumably taking what I previously wrote exceptionally badly and kicking back by deleting me from Facebook. Well, whatever, you carry on the childish games I'll carry on writing whatever the fuck I like right here because it's my blog, my thoughts, and if you want to read it and take it as a personal fucking assault then you just go ahead and do that. I must need to eat more fiber or take some ex lax because no matter how hard I try I just can't give a shit about what you think. Maybe that's my flaw, maybe it's my failing that I felt the need to rant about you and not hide that fact but I don't care, I accept my flaws and try to find ways to get past them and better myself in the process. Maybe you should do the same. If I wanted to insult you personally I would go ahead and do it to your face. I don't have a problem with you, I'd like to be your friend, but I'd really like to see you better yourself, or just accept the apology and swallow your pride enough to admit we were BOTH wrong.
Well I just had a charming email to tell me my Uni application is now in clearing. I have failed to get in to either course when I'm 10 FUCKING POINTS SHORT on UCAS! Pissed off. Actually, no pissed off. Crushed, utterly crushed. I wanted this so badly, I wanted to actually be able to help people to use my life to make a difference in other people's lives. I might just get in through clearing if there's places after 20th August when they're released but if not the only option is to try and find then fund college to get some more A levels. I should really be spending time with my little sister right now but it's actually so hard to keep myself together I just can't cope with a hyperactive 5yr old.
Oh good. Lovely. Perfect. Dad came in with Kaitlin to sort out pizza, I really tried to hint I didn't care what was ordered and they shouldn't be there but on she picked up on my mood and started crying. Didn't help that dad mentioned it and told her I was sad and why I was. Couldn't he have left be? She doesn't need to know I'm unhappy when she's already half scared of me because she hasn't seen much of me when she was growing up and her mother is poisoning her against me. I'm not being paranoid, I think I ranted before she told Kaitlin not to listen to what I tell her to do or not to do. Good going genius, let's see how that works out when I have to tell her not to do something dangerous. Anyway. I have a few minutes now. Thank fuck they've gone to get the pizza. This is possibly my only chance to just let it out and belt it back up again and paint on a smile.
Enough of that, positive to follow later. As you can imagine, I'm not in the right frame of mind to blog about party, awesome as it was, and weekend, awesome as that was too. Later. Pictures too. Promise.
~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~
You never quite know how much you want something until it's pulled out of reach.
Jenivere Out.
Posts
Jen, he's causing you unnecessary pain, just block him. It's not doing you any good otherwise.
ReplyDeleteAww sweetie, I am sending you the biggest hugs ever. The uni thing totally sucks. I have a friend who was a carer in Bournemouth in a private home for people with Aspergus (sp???), she did that with no qualifications apart from GCSE's I think, now she is an NVQ assesser for other trainee carers in the same place. I can ask her advice about getting into mental health work without a degree if you like. I would definately try and do some volunteer work too, that always looks good on application forms etc. Ring the charity Mind - they are always looking for people so I hear. I know it must seem like a massive blow at the moment, but it will sort itself out. You have done the hardest bit - deciding what you actually want to do (I still have no idea at all, ad I'm a good few years older than you, and have a degree!). Everything will work out, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteAs for the ex thing, I think it's time you said enough is enough. You need to arrange getting your stuff ASAP, then block him. Seriously, if you need a lift to his house (and any moral support) just ask, I have a car and can spare an evening for a friend in need.
Hugs xxxxx
Thanks both of you, his best mate I have been talking to said he told him to stop it now and I have had nothing since then, and dad is offering to send him an email or something on my behalf and say back off if needed and will help me pick up the stuff soon so I can break all ties once and for all.
ReplyDeleteAs for Uni this should be resolved hopefully with either getting in through Clearing or I will be contacting Blandford hospital about Mental Health Nursing because a friend mentioned they need people there and are taking them on internally because NHS aren't allowed to use agency staff any more. Score.