Alright, I know what you're thinking, I said I wouldn't rant about the ex again but there's a few things still lurking that I just need to vent. I've just had breakfast so on a full stomach and with a clear head I shall attempt this in less than 2 hours today :) I may go on to something else after, so for those bored or uninterested, I will again mark out the ex with the *****'s so you know when it's safe to read again!
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So, I went over all the memories yesterday, looked at where it started right, looked at where it went wrong even before it began. So what is there left to rant about? Well, the things he said. Some things that he said so often or so many times I just can't get them out of my head, even if it's not the words themselves it's the insecurities because of them. I'm trying to get over it, but it's not exactly easy. I don't let it get to me often at all now, but there's times I just can't help it. I worry too much.
Firstly, there's the obvious. Jokes. Things said in jest, though said so many times that the joke became a paranoia based on fears I already had. I still think I need to lose a lot of weight despite the fact barely anything fits me any more and I know that my ass will never be any smaller because my hips were just made that way. I have a big problem with appetite too, one week I'll just be hungry all the time and eat far too much, and the next I might barely eat at all because I just don't feel like it. I used to binge on really crap food too, which when I was 16 and still doing sports was fine but when I stopped halfway through 6th (someone wanted more time with me, which meant giving up the wednesday afternoon hour and a half of basketball/watever) there was nothing burning off the extra so I did get a bit bigger. Right now I know there's still no balance, so my weight is constantly up and down like a freaking yoyo. The thing is, his method of reassurance was to tell me he was still with me. Ok, great, so you're with a fat ugly chick, and you have shit taste. How does that make it any better that you made me feel like this in the first place?
Secondly, there's the lies. "Don't worry it's fine, go ahead" but said in a reassuring way, with more and more convincing against all my better judgement I believed this a fair few times. Like being at a gig. It was a band he didn't like, when he doesn't like gigs, the only reason he went I think was to either not be alone or keep an eye on me. One night without me was impossible to ask. So in the queue, people were chatting, I'd met up with a mate who was talking to some random group of fun people just in front of me but noooo I couldn't join in because *he* was there and I couldn't possibly not be spending very second trying to start a conversation with him (and failing I might add) anyway back to the point. We went in, the venue had an upstairs with some sofas and a second bar, so I thought brill we can put our stuff down and chill up here. A group of my mates had turned up and bagged themselves a nice spot right in front of the stage to watch from downstairs, rght next to the bands. I asked if he minded me going down for a few songs, sure he says, go ahead. Down I go start having a bit of fun enjoying one of the bands, then I go back up feeling a little guilty he says no go back down have fun with your friends, so I go down for longer before going back up only to hear the same thing. I stayed up regardess for a song or 2 and bought him a few pints through the evening. Went down for longer, had fun with friends up at the front and sometimes hanging back so I could get up th stairs quicker again. So fine, what's wrong with that? As soon as we got back and forever bloody after it would be brought up as an example of how I "abandoned him for the whole night". Oh fuck off. But it leaves me worried about doing that to anyone else in the future. The amount he brought it up after I often just don't believe anyone when they say it's fine. Well, maybe there's someone I believe, but I still worry.
Thirdly, the way any mistake, like the one above, would come back to bite me on the ass so many goddamn times. Often in my insecurity I find mistakes very hard to live down so need to not be reminded of them, but he did it. All. The. Fucking. Time. Ok yes I was very unhappy when I was 16, maybe I did cry too much, but there was a damn good reason and he fucking knew it, but all he'd do was bring it up and use it against me when it suited him to. He even used the reason against me a few times, which really is as low as a person can go. He's one of the very few people in this world I entrusted that knowledge to. And he used it against me. Fucker. Despite now knowing there are other people that can be trusted to talk to about this stuff I doubt I will again, though not because of *him*, more because I realise now there are some things that can happily go unsaid. If I don't dwell on them any more, then maybe life can move on and leave them far behind where they belong.
Fourth, fourth is all the times I'd try and suggest something, or talk about something, or show an interest and all I'd get is something similar to "yeah sure whatever". "So do you want curry for dinner or razorblades and vinegar?" ..."whatever"...."razorblades it is then"...."yeah, sure"....it drove me up the freaking wall. And it was like anything that interested me was completely boring if I wanted to talk about it. But then, if he wanted to know, he could never accept any fucking answer no matter what. Like I'd be browsing a website or just looking at random stuff, and he'd ask what I'm looking at. I'd tell him I'm just browsing, truthfully, not really looking at much at all, so he'd insist on knowing what I'm browsing even though there was no bloody answer. Or talking to people. Oh that's one that really pissed me off. He had to keep asking who I was talking to, what I was talking to them about, and often why I wasn't talking to him about whatever it was if I gave him an answer and it was something that interested him even if we'd been over it a million fucking times, and if I was just talking random crap as was often the case that wouldn't be an acceptable answer. Sometimes I just got so pissed off with it I'd turn and snap telling him if he was that fucking interested he could come and read over my shoulder in every conversation I was in, as he often did that anyway when going past, I swear he made excuses to sometimes, and other times I'd sit there and recount the conversation history to him until he got the hint and continued whatever he was doing. And you know, any time I was slightly interested in him, like I noticed him talking to someone we both knew and I hadn't seen in a while from the msn pic on the screen, from a distance of course, I'd just ask how they were doing and be greeted with "fine" and rarely anything more.Oh and phone calls. He'd be on the phone for half an hour, I'd casually ask who it was, and it was such a fucking difficulty to say so even if it was actually something important he had to relay to me. So often he was given messages to pass on to me that never got through because he couldn't just say it. If my bike was being fixed, I'd come home and have to ask several times to find out that they had in fact called to say it was ready. Ridiculous.
Oh fifth. This is probably the one that gets to me most sometimes even though I know in my head it's not true I can't shake that feeling because it was hammered in to me. I was constantly told how nobody else would be there for me but him, that if it wasn't for him I'd be all alone because my friends didn't care about me. He reminded me all too often how I was when I was 16 (I had issues, issues long since gone) and told me I was still crazy and that anyone else would have left me because of it. This gets to me more because I was actually left over it, and neglected because of it, by 2 of the 3 relationships I'd been in before him. And I hardly count the first, cheating wanker because that just didn't last long. So I guess that's something I'm always worried about, that people will leave if I'm sad, I've taken to just walking out when I feel bad, it seems to help. Nobody has to put up with me being a killjoy, and there's no way anyone can ditch me if I'm on my own. It's even a little easier to pull myself back together, I guess, just letting it out alone and simmering down to normal or pulling on a face if I can't do that. I had enough practice of that pretending things were good with him when we were falling apart.
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Ok, that's enough of that. I'm sure I still haven't quite said all I will, but I'll try and stay off the topic of him now :) once it's all out, it's out, then I can get on with life again. I guess the things in my head right now are the insecurities. Brainvomiting is seeming rather effective at dealing with this, so I'll give it a little more.
There seems to be a bit of a difference between what I want to be like and how I feel a lot of the time. I want to be confident, relaxed, approachable, friendly, happy and care free. On the other hand I'm actually really quite nervous, shy and introverted by nature. The best way to overcome it is to face it head on, so I am making efforts to relax, smile, talk to random strangers and make new friends. Still not good at taking compliments, but I'm not used to them so I tend to not take them very seriously.
But you know what, saying that, I am finding it easier to just relax now. Sometimes just talking to someone makes it all fade away into the background, even when I'm not talking to them I feel somehow calmer right now. Being so relaxed really isn't helping me get anything done though! I need to get a few things sorted tonight :)
And on that note, I'll get something done, maybe even have something vaguely nutritious after :)
Jenivere Out
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So, I went over all the memories yesterday, looked at where it started right, looked at where it went wrong even before it began. So what is there left to rant about? Well, the things he said. Some things that he said so often or so many times I just can't get them out of my head, even if it's not the words themselves it's the insecurities because of them. I'm trying to get over it, but it's not exactly easy. I don't let it get to me often at all now, but there's times I just can't help it. I worry too much.
Firstly, there's the obvious. Jokes. Things said in jest, though said so many times that the joke became a paranoia based on fears I already had. I still think I need to lose a lot of weight despite the fact barely anything fits me any more and I know that my ass will never be any smaller because my hips were just made that way. I have a big problem with appetite too, one week I'll just be hungry all the time and eat far too much, and the next I might barely eat at all because I just don't feel like it. I used to binge on really crap food too, which when I was 16 and still doing sports was fine but when I stopped halfway through 6th (someone wanted more time with me, which meant giving up the wednesday afternoon hour and a half of basketball/watever) there was nothing burning off the extra so I did get a bit bigger. Right now I know there's still no balance, so my weight is constantly up and down like a freaking yoyo. The thing is, his method of reassurance was to tell me he was still with me. Ok, great, so you're with a fat ugly chick, and you have shit taste. How does that make it any better that you made me feel like this in the first place?
Secondly, there's the lies. "Don't worry it's fine, go ahead" but said in a reassuring way, with more and more convincing against all my better judgement I believed this a fair few times. Like being at a gig. It was a band he didn't like, when he doesn't like gigs, the only reason he went I think was to either not be alone or keep an eye on me. One night without me was impossible to ask. So in the queue, people were chatting, I'd met up with a mate who was talking to some random group of fun people just in front of me but noooo I couldn't join in because *he* was there and I couldn't possibly not be spending very second trying to start a conversation with him (and failing I might add) anyway back to the point. We went in, the venue had an upstairs with some sofas and a second bar, so I thought brill we can put our stuff down and chill up here. A group of my mates had turned up and bagged themselves a nice spot right in front of the stage to watch from downstairs, rght next to the bands. I asked if he minded me going down for a few songs, sure he says, go ahead. Down I go start having a bit of fun enjoying one of the bands, then I go back up feeling a little guilty he says no go back down have fun with your friends, so I go down for longer before going back up only to hear the same thing. I stayed up regardess for a song or 2 and bought him a few pints through the evening. Went down for longer, had fun with friends up at the front and sometimes hanging back so I could get up th stairs quicker again. So fine, what's wrong with that? As soon as we got back and forever bloody after it would be brought up as an example of how I "abandoned him for the whole night". Oh fuck off. But it leaves me worried about doing that to anyone else in the future. The amount he brought it up after I often just don't believe anyone when they say it's fine. Well, maybe there's someone I believe, but I still worry.
Thirdly, the way any mistake, like the one above, would come back to bite me on the ass so many goddamn times. Often in my insecurity I find mistakes very hard to live down so need to not be reminded of them, but he did it. All. The. Fucking. Time. Ok yes I was very unhappy when I was 16, maybe I did cry too much, but there was a damn good reason and he fucking knew it, but all he'd do was bring it up and use it against me when it suited him to. He even used the reason against me a few times, which really is as low as a person can go. He's one of the very few people in this world I entrusted that knowledge to. And he used it against me. Fucker. Despite now knowing there are other people that can be trusted to talk to about this stuff I doubt I will again, though not because of *him*, more because I realise now there are some things that can happily go unsaid. If I don't dwell on them any more, then maybe life can move on and leave them far behind where they belong.
Fourth, fourth is all the times I'd try and suggest something, or talk about something, or show an interest and all I'd get is something similar to "yeah sure whatever". "So do you want curry for dinner or razorblades and vinegar?" ..."whatever"...."razorblades it is then"...."yeah, sure"....it drove me up the freaking wall. And it was like anything that interested me was completely boring if I wanted to talk about it. But then, if he wanted to know, he could never accept any fucking answer no matter what. Like I'd be browsing a website or just looking at random stuff, and he'd ask what I'm looking at. I'd tell him I'm just browsing, truthfully, not really looking at much at all, so he'd insist on knowing what I'm browsing even though there was no bloody answer. Or talking to people. Oh that's one that really pissed me off. He had to keep asking who I was talking to, what I was talking to them about, and often why I wasn't talking to him about whatever it was if I gave him an answer and it was something that interested him even if we'd been over it a million fucking times, and if I was just talking random crap as was often the case that wouldn't be an acceptable answer. Sometimes I just got so pissed off with it I'd turn and snap telling him if he was that fucking interested he could come and read over my shoulder in every conversation I was in, as he often did that anyway when going past, I swear he made excuses to sometimes, and other times I'd sit there and recount the conversation history to him until he got the hint and continued whatever he was doing. And you know, any time I was slightly interested in him, like I noticed him talking to someone we both knew and I hadn't seen in a while from the msn pic on the screen, from a distance of course, I'd just ask how they were doing and be greeted with "fine" and rarely anything more.Oh and phone calls. He'd be on the phone for half an hour, I'd casually ask who it was, and it was such a fucking difficulty to say so even if it was actually something important he had to relay to me. So often he was given messages to pass on to me that never got through because he couldn't just say it. If my bike was being fixed, I'd come home and have to ask several times to find out that they had in fact called to say it was ready. Ridiculous.
Oh fifth. This is probably the one that gets to me most sometimes even though I know in my head it's not true I can't shake that feeling because it was hammered in to me. I was constantly told how nobody else would be there for me but him, that if it wasn't for him I'd be all alone because my friends didn't care about me. He reminded me all too often how I was when I was 16 (I had issues, issues long since gone) and told me I was still crazy and that anyone else would have left me because of it. This gets to me more because I was actually left over it, and neglected because of it, by 2 of the 3 relationships I'd been in before him. And I hardly count the first, cheating wanker because that just didn't last long. So I guess that's something I'm always worried about, that people will leave if I'm sad, I've taken to just walking out when I feel bad, it seems to help. Nobody has to put up with me being a killjoy, and there's no way anyone can ditch me if I'm on my own. It's even a little easier to pull myself back together, I guess, just letting it out alone and simmering down to normal or pulling on a face if I can't do that. I had enough practice of that pretending things were good with him when we were falling apart.
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Ok, that's enough of that. I'm sure I still haven't quite said all I will, but I'll try and stay off the topic of him now :) once it's all out, it's out, then I can get on with life again. I guess the things in my head right now are the insecurities. Brainvomiting is seeming rather effective at dealing with this, so I'll give it a little more.
There seems to be a bit of a difference between what I want to be like and how I feel a lot of the time. I want to be confident, relaxed, approachable, friendly, happy and care free. On the other hand I'm actually really quite nervous, shy and introverted by nature. The best way to overcome it is to face it head on, so I am making efforts to relax, smile, talk to random strangers and make new friends. Still not good at taking compliments, but I'm not used to them so I tend to not take them very seriously.
But you know what, saying that, I am finding it easier to just relax now. Sometimes just talking to someone makes it all fade away into the background, even when I'm not talking to them I feel somehow calmer right now. Being so relaxed really isn't helping me get anything done though! I need to get a few things sorted tonight :)
And on that note, I'll get something done, maybe even have something vaguely nutritious after :)
Jenivere Out
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