Jenivere's Rants, Raves, and Random Days

BrainVomit - Purging thoughts

2010-02-01T22:05:00.004Z

I haven't written in such a long time. I have been busy, with both work and Dan, there's one excuse, another is I just haven't felt like moaning like a preteen fucking emokid who has broken a nail and thinks that means the world is ending. But now I'm here, because I'm full to bursting point and have nowhere else to go. If I don't let it out now by sitting and writing then it is sure to force its way out, in a more destructive manner. I had thoughts of being creative but it's just not coming to me tonight. I'm in too much of a low, I need to be in a moderate high to write anything of creative substance.

So this is the new year, the second month of it too. What has it brought me so far? Well, I now have the diagnosis of Bipolar that I have suspected and indeed been suffering for the last 7+years. Finally a gp listened enough to hear the words mood swings rather than just low. I'm rocketing from sky high then plummeting to rock bottom lows, several times a day. As you can probably imagine this leaves me more than a little distressed and confused. Admittedly, it hasn't always been this bad, for several years the highs and lows were much longer and spaced apart, heck most of last summer was just one massive high before I got unstable again.

I have found people to talk to about it, there's a discussion forum for bipolar's that I've joined, though it has few active members those I have spoken to have helped a bit.

I guess I'm back on the up again right now, but I'm still questioning everything. Today I wonder if my friends even like me at all, I don't see them any more because I'm keeping myself busy with work and can't face going out to club or anything, and very few make an effort to talk to me now. I don't blame them, I honestly hate myself and can't see any reason anyone else would have to like me. Besides they all have plenty of other friends to have a good time with, without having the crazy fucking nutjob bringing the mood down. Ah, there's the downer again. I new the up was only brief, probably because I took a 10min break from writing to talk to my cousin on msn. I don't like starting conversations any more on there, I have nothing to say when I feel down, and when I'm up I make little to no sense at all. I can sit there and go through the motions, use those little smiley faces to cover up the fact that I'm crying behind this stupid screen and it makes no difference. I'm so distant from the conversation sometimes it might as well be computing automated responses. I really wouldn't be surprised if all contact with the outside world starts falling away, it's probably for the best anyway. There's no point me bringing anyone else down with me because nobody can help me, I'm a fucking lost cause and even the professionals know that much. Counselling evaluation resulted in them saying they'll have to call me about the next appointment because they need to go into a meeting with their superiors to discuss the best course of action for me. I'm that screwed up they can't even talk to me about it. Didn't help that I went up and down at least twice when I was in the 45 minute session and they seemed to have no real idea of how bipolar works. But back to the point, less contact means less having to lie through idle words about how I feel and less chance of bringing anyone down. I know people may say they care but at the end of the day I'd rather they were off having a good time than giving a shit about a worthless piece of crap like myself.

All this is running through my head, all the time, along with a thousand other thoughts all at 100mph. The only way I can deal with it is to try and surpress it all with logic, stupid little games like Spider Solitaire, absorbing into the pure logical rules because it makes a lot more sense than my head. Memories, words, thoughts, feelings, it's all a massive blur that I can't cope with. Work is just a series of tasks I can absorb into behind a mask I put on with that sickening fake smile that makes me want to tear my own face off. A face that half the time I don't even recognise. It's like having an out of body experience but being in your body, my reflection does not look like me, everything feels out of place, my voice sounds completely alien (and entirely annoying) and I hate every inch of it all head to toe. How or why anyone would want to be near this piteous wreck really is beyond me.

I'm so freaking low right now I'm probably just going to curl up and cry, then eat something in the hopes it will take my mind off it. It never does, it never comforts me, it only makes me feel sick with myself for the growing obesity but I can't help it, it's a compulsion. I hope I bounce back in the next hour or so. There's things I need to do before tomorrow.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Ups, Downs, Ups, and The Trouble with Dependency

2009-12-19T23:12:00.004Z

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a shambolic mess. I had a few days off after some pretty non-stop intense days of work while suffering from what it turns out is a chest infection. Hooray! So I went to the doc, was given antibiotics and a new inhaler - I'm asthmatic but as it doesn't normally affect me much I don't tend to keep one. The concoction of pills is having a mixed result, with the slight and entirely new side effect of the salbutamol inhaler being shaky hands (to the point where writing is difficult) and hot flushes. Top this off with a little dizziness and a slight high from the mixture of everything that shouldn't react badly with itself but might anyway just to annoy me. And still, I feel like crap.

But anyway, on to somthing a tad more positive. On my 3-days-off-in-a-row, which was much needed I might add, I was able to spend some quality time with Dan. We both had the Monday off so I headed to his house middayish. We spent some time in his room where I admired his 3 (yes, 3!!!) mini xmas trees - such a difference to my ex who was nothing but a grinch over the past few years, making me choose and buy my own present and not wanting any surprises himself either he had to be forced into allowing any meagre decorations...but enough about him because Dan's festive spirit is really uplifting to be around, he has restored my faith in the seasonal cheer and indeed in some parts of humanity also. Hats off to him there.

So back to the point, we had some time inside, and spent a lot of quality time together, ahem, and by the evening we were making plans to go out for the night. We ended up going to not the usual pub but to a different one much closer to the house - it was damn cold so I'm glad we didn't have so far to go! We met a few friends there and spent a really good couple of hours just talking and laughing over a pint or 2 with people who are simply a joy to spend time with. I've missed going out a lot since starting work but I'm glad that when we do now it's always worth it, especially when we can completely avoid certain other folk who seem to lower the tone in more ways than one.

So that was a good day. When I left on Tuesday morning I was still on a high, and went home to work on some music. I ended up writing some new material and recording a couple of pieces via PSEye and did the same again during Wednesday while also getting neccessary washing etc done. I was on a massive high, but with the downside that being on such a creative high made me completely neglect calling about counselling, again. I should have by now but I keep making the excuses, to be honest I think I'm just scared about bringing everything out into the open incase I break down like I did before when I was young. One can only hope that time has made one stronger.

The dizzying highs are always followed by the lows, and though with the pills the lows are less severe I still feel them. It's when I'm low that the usual normal if a little bizarre vivid dreams that the pills bring about turn into inescapable nightmares. Last night was another nightmare that burned itself into my memory, because it just repeated like it was on a loop all night, until finally I was able to wake up and end the horror. The memories I have from my nightmares now scar almost as deep as true memories, because in all honesty when I get hurt I really feel the pain, I feel everything in these dreams at the moment as lucid as if I was awake and it was all happening in the here and now, even the most surreal parts too.

I'm now also wondering if I am becoming dependant on these pills. Not because I crave them, or feel anxious if I'm late with a dose, or through withdrawal symptoms, nothing like that. I just simply realised that tonight I haven't had them yet and normally I could be fast asleep by now, but I don't feel like I can sleep. So I took it late about 10minutes ago and am waiting for sleep's choking embrace to drag me into another nightmare, when I awake I will be just as tired and in no way ready for a day of work, but at least it's only a 6hour sunday shift...it can't be that bad, right?

BrainVomit - Neverending Nightmares...

2009-12-09T22:32:00.003Z

Last night I had more nightmares, and try as I might I couldn't wake up. One part etched firmly in my tired and aching brain is where I had a cut on my lower leg, going all the way around. It looked like barely a scratch but then suddenly I couldn't walk and the whole thing was practically cut off and bleeding everywhere. I actually felt the pain and desperately in my sleep tried to push it back together and keep walking. That image and that fear hasn't left me all day. The weirder thing is that somewhere in the dream I was the one cutting my own flesh. Deeply disturbing when these dreams are so vivid, so real...oh well...

Most of work was spent handing out vouchers at the door, sounds simple and it is but in other ways it's completely soul destroying. Saying the same thing over and over makes you feel like a broken record player and for every person who thanks you and smiles there are three more who knock you down with ignorance, the disapproving headshake or the sad look that says "I know your smile is fake, and so is mine, we both know it but rather than making your job easier I'm going to walk as far away from you as possible and try to make it look natural". That being said I do still like my job when it's just the usual, and will plough through as much of tomorrow's 10hour shift of taking in stock from the delivery as best as I can while attempting to ignore the virus that is making me feel like there's someone constantly stood on my chest laughing in my face with halitosis.

Of course, I'd like to remain positive, but the only thing that got me through the hours standing in the cold repeating myself to people who either didn't care or insisted on getting far too close to popping my personal bubble, was the llama song playing on repeat in my head... "here's a llama there's a llama there's another little llama fuzzy llama funny llama, llama llama duck...."

Been listening randomly to Dream Theater more recently. Very impressed by the song Panic Attack which is scarily and yet brilliantly accurate. The rest of the week should go quickly, with Dan here friday on my day off then a weekend of work. Next week I have the first three days off but then I'm working solid until xmas eve. Ho hum. All my shopping will have to be done in that one day, but at least all the plans for the day are sorted. Start out with dan's family, go to my mum's for a while, then back to poole to see my dad in the evening. Covering all bases in one short day, I'm hoping to see all my friends in the pub xmas eve, huzzah! The only one's I won't see then I shall hopefully be seeing them all in January, which is most excellent because I miss them loads and love them dearly. This time I will make up for my previous...instabilities...in our last meetings. I no longer have to worry about a member of the group who was, in short and as polite as I can manage, a twat, and will be able to relax a lot more away from crowds of people. Which brings me neatly back to the beginning of this paragraph where I would like to advise anyone who hasn't heard the song to listen to it, because it holds a great insight into the feelings one goes through in a panic attack.

I'm off to go get some custard, fatty wants comfort food...I kid you not, I have put on weight unfortunately. Downside - favourite jeans now have muffintop syndrome. Upside - boobs got a tiny bit bigger. Downside - sodding bras don't fit right anymore and I seem to be having trouble with TMIS - too much information syndrome.
Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Red Bus Syndrome, and Honesty at its most Brutal...

2009-12-08T21:23:00.000Z

12/11/09

So another period of time has passed where I once again have failed to keep up. It's not surprising really, one has to be in the mood to write, and well I've never been great at sticking to things anyway. The fact my blog has continued thus far is a small miracle of its own. Anyway, on to the tedious mental excrement of the week...

The last time I wrote was before I went to the doctor. Well, I went. I talked, felt only half listened to, and was given anti-depressants and a phone number to book my own counselling. I've since lost the number but have been taking the pills. The main side effect is drowsiness. I felt the worst of it in the first few days, where after taking one at night as directed I slept for 11hours and woke up feeling tired, and spent a further 4-5hours drifting in and out of sleep. Not good. Thankfully I seem to be evening out a little on this but still feel (and apparently look) exhausted a lot of the time.

That night was planned as a gaming night for 3 of us, but Chrispy couldn't make it so it was just me and Dan again. Nevermind, we had a few fun games and I fell asleep early because the pills had made me so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Since then, Dan's had some time off work for a week so we've been spending most of that together, mostly here. I had an interview last Friday and got a call Monday morning when I was with Dan to say I got the job. Huzzah! I now have a job, about an hour and a half travel away from home, 20hours a week, minimum wage...well, it's a start. To celebrate, we went to town and Dan bought me lunch out in a lovely pub/restaurant. Good meals and in great portions, and the prices were pretty awesome too. £6.95 for 2 meals (we chose lasagne), £1 for tea or coffee, and buy one get one free on puddings at £3.95 each. Apple crumble and custard, absolutely brilliantly tasty, a real treat. We spent a bit of time in town and headed back to Blandford for the evening.

We planned to go to the pub for further celebration, and ended up there with just us 2 and Zack. It was nice when we arrived early, nobody was there and we could sit in the corner and chat, catching up and talking about the usual crap we do down pub. Then, an hour later, the regulars arrived. The reason most of our friends don't often go down there any more... Some of them are ok, when they're not with others, but some of the girls, and yes it's ALL women here surprise surprise, have been known to almost constantly bitch about people who aren't there behind their backs. I just don't take kindly to that. You have a problem with someone take it to their face. Surely you can think of something better to talk about?! Hmm, maybe not then....

8/12/09

Alright so I'm picking up this half finished blog nearly a month later. It has been busy, since securing my new job I've been spending most days working, and of those days I spend 3 hours on buses travelling just to get there and back. The jobcentre gave me a grant to cover the first month ticket though so it's not too bad for now, and only £60 per month after that for unlimited buses in Poole/Bournemouth, fabulous, and I might even consider paying another £40 to cover going to Blandford or other places too, not sure about that yet as it may be cheaper to just pay when I'm actually going there which at the moment doesn't look like it'll be too often. I'm working all weekends in December. Good, because I'm doing well over my contracted hours and will therefore earn more monies, but bad because I won't be able to go out as much and might miss out on seeing Dan a lot as our shift schedules won't always match.

It could be a blessing in disguise though given the escalating bitchiness at the pub. Yes, more, and unprovoked as always. See, the other night we went out for the first time in a while, we arranged to meet a good few friends up pub for a couple of drinks and a lot of laughs. It was great for a few hours, we were all talking, we played a couple games of pool and everyone was just relaxed and enjoying themselves. Then we got word that they were on their way, those known now as the trio, who when on their own can sometimes be quite likeable but when together only seem to cause aggro, piss people off, and talk about others behind their backs. This is not the sort of person that I like. They came in with their trophy boyfriends, and sat on a seat near to us as there wasn't room for them all to join at the corner table. Before they came everyone expressed dislike, and said how they wish they didn't go there any more, but nobody actually ever says anything to them. If we all stood up and said we're fed up of their shit they'd have no choice but to fuck right off or stay there and be shunned. As it was most of us ignored them, despite the fact I am sure they count us all among their friends. It's not mutual, because once upon a time with no provocation they suddenly had a problem with me. I've never had anything against them, until the day they turned on me. They don't even know me, and have no reason to dislike me that I know of mainly because we've barely spoken. Since then further actions have affirmed my stance against them but like the good little doormat I am I just sit back and take it with a smile just to keep the peace.

I amaze myself for being so spineless to sit back when one of them in particular goes out of her way to be a complete and utter bitch. Am I exaggerating? Maybe, but judge for yourself. Dan and I were playing a long doubles game of pool against another couple, and for some reason "she" saw fit to interfere. It was a really tense and competitive but good humoured game, but she butted in and took a shot for them when not invited to do so and later decided to get up and pick up on of their balls dropping it in the pocket and moving several others when she did so. I should have relocated my cue somewhere uncomfortable but instead I grumbled and replaced the balls that I could for Dan to take his shot. Later in the night Dan and I were stood under the doorway to keep out of the pouring rain while we waited for the taxi he had called to take us home. They came to leave and "she", rather than asking, physically pushed him out of the way and into the rain. The one who had left a minute ahead of her had asked and he had stepped aside, but manners obviously mean nothing to the worst of the gang. I don't know what grudge she bears against Dan but she makes sure enough to show it when she can. I'm sick of it, so next time she or any of them do or say anything I'm biting back, in the full knowledge that pretty much everyone else will agree and nobody will back their corner.

Other things have been going equally dismally for me at the moment. I went back to the doctor after coming to the end of my first prescription for antidepressants and saw a different guy this time but spoke of the nightmares I've been having since a couple of weeks of starting treatment. He advised perservering with them, and prescribed double the dose. I've had 4 days of these and the nightmares are worse. Sometimes they aren't even nightmares just extremely vivid dreams, the kind where you can feel the pain of whatever happens in it. Some of the nightmares are fantasy, some are repetitions of reality, flashbacks forcing me to relive moments of my life I'd rather forget, some of them are simply twisted apparitions born of my own subconscious hopes and fears. When I was on the lower dose I would come to the point of waking sometimes as frequent as every 10minutes for a few hours, slipping in and out of terrifying dreams, but these few days on the higher dose seem to be enforcing a deeper sleep, the nightmares cycle on and yet I can't wake up and escape them. I wake up feeling like I've barely slept much at all and with the images of the night burned into my brain as real as if they'd happened mere hours ago in real life. Sometimes when waking it is hard to distinguish that it was a dream for those first few dozy minutes. And this is supposed to help? Yes, I have had less panic attacks, yes I am going to sleep easier, yes I have had *some* small improvement in mood, but I'm still getting some of the mood swings and am becoming more than a little paranoid about sleeping. I'll keep going for now, and eventually pluck up the stomach to call the number I was given to arrange counselling. The scars of the past are etched deep in my heart, sins that can never be forgiven remain unforgotten poisoning my mind, colouring my life black with unspoken pain.

~~~~~~~ Honesty, Brutal and Cold.~~~~~~~

Well now is the time to drop the candour from my words and give up on hiding the things that trouble me. I will not reveal my past but I will describe the present bluntly, how it is. You see, not everything is as it seems. Though I am happy with my relationship with Dan there are things around it that makeit particularly stressful. Reader, if you know us well please use discretion about reading on for what I speak is not truly mine to divulge but something I wish I could change.

Every time I stay at his house, it becomes ever more clear. He has spoken to me before of the problems certain people have with alcohol and it has now got to the stage where I can tell. When your family and those close to you can tell you have been drinking when you try to hide it from them you should not be surprised, but when a relative stranger notices it's a more serious problem. But then people under the spell of the addictive liquors never seem to realise the harm it does to those around them, even if it is as simple as serious concern for their own health and wellbeing, once before damaged by drink to the very brink of termination it's strange to us outside that all warnings would remain unheeded despite having seen first hand the true consequences in others. Every time I go there I can't relax, even when sober there is always somewhere a reason to disrupt, further put to detriment by Dan's own ways. I'm sure it's not intentional but he does have a way of making problems where there are none, or getting people involved when it is not needed which can cause further friction between them. It is difficult, and I am far happier here at home where I know my father does not feel the need to intrude and is also very pleasant to spend time with without feeling awkward.

There are a lot of times where I've wished for life to become like a fairytale, to be taken away by some handsome knight who would banish all my troubles for that happily ever after we used to hear about at bedtime. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Every knight I have come across has either been a dragon in disguise or simply had tarnished armour or a kingdom falling to ruin around them. There's no such thing as fairy godmothers and wishes turn to ashes before our eyes every day. The best I can dream of somehow is a tragedy, I actually secretly wish nothing more than a beautiful death and a lover to mourn my passing. But then, in dying, I wouldn't know - so what's the point?

There's no such thing as heroes, they're all too busy battling their own demons. There are no knights in shining armour, only liars, cheats and thieves waiting to sweep you off your feet and tear out your heart for sport. Maybe a part of me still believes in love, beautiful head over heels romance overcoming any obstacles in its way....but what's the point believing if I can't even say it to his face? I am a coward wishing for the easy way because I'm too tired to fight the currents any more. Ultimately I shall drown never seeing the shore, abandoning the life raft because I'm too scared of picking up the oar to row. I will sink knowing I only ever relied on myself, that my own fears became the lead in my limbs, my own cowardice drove me to leave dry land too afraid to face the beasts in the woods.

I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts like this. My mind is a prison, I am trapped in the cage shaped around me by the past, people and places that tore me down until I gave up fighting back. And now I see my cousin, starting to falter under depression, and there is little I can do to help him because he is a prisoner as much as I. I can but hope he is stronger than I am and have been, that he can push back his demons.

"I've seen angels fall from blinding heihts, but you yourself are nothing so divine, just next in line. Arm yourself because no one else here will save you."

I need to stop writing now, I fear I am actually losing my mind...

Until next time,
Jenivere out.

BrainVomit - Short Trips, Halloween, and Losing More Control

2009-11-02T20:01:00.003Z

This'll be a long one I think so please bare with me. The last few days have been fairly busy, and the result is a colossal headache right now. Oh dear.

~~~~~~~ Thursday 29th - To Dover ~~~~~~~

We left fairly early in the morning for the drive to Dover. My half sister, Kaitlin, was in the back with a DVD player to keep her entertained with a stack of DVDs and was content to keep quiet and watch. I talked to dad for about the first half hour then it was mostly quiet driving down the motorways toward London. We stopped at the traditional and popular Fleet services for a quick leg stretch and toilet break then headed onward to Dover with a few snacks on board for lunch.

The journey in total was about 3 and a half hours, when we arrived I was grateful for the chance to sit on a comfy sofa and relax. The only one home when we arrived was my Nana, so we talked to her for a while and I caught up with her as I haven't seen her in the past 4 years. I feel very guilty for not seeing her in all this time, but it was nigh on impossible what with my ex boyfriend and lack of monies to get there on my own.

As I was talking to her it was becoming more clear how she is suffering dementia and very bad short term memory. Through the day she repeated herself on one thing about 6 times with no recollection of having said it before. I worry for her, I know she has had a couple of strokes a few years back and has a lot of difficulty in getting around, pretty much housebound now and relying on my aunts to care for her.

Still, we relaxed through the afternoon until my aunts and older cousin arrived home, and all had a nice meal together in the evening followed by an equally nice pudding. The rest of the evening was spent talking and laughing, catching up on what we'd all missed until dad went upstairs to put Kaitlin to bed. We waited a while for him to come down and decided to set up a table to play cards. Several games of "shithead" later and we realised he'd probably gone to sleep upstairs too as he was so tired from the drive. A few more hours passed with a good many laughs and endless rounds of cards, which I'm proud to say I didn't lose a single hand of until the very last round we played before bed at midnight.

I had a sofa and sleeping bag for the night, so ambled off to play about on the laptop until I could actually sleep. Unfortunately it took until about 1am before I could close my eyes, and I was awake at 4:30am needing to get up. When I got back to bed I slept in half hour intervals, waking up to shift around. The room was chilly, but the sleeping bag was a bit thick and thermal for indoor use above freezing temperatures, so I just couldn't seem to get it right. By the time I got up at 8am the next morning it felt like I'd hardly slept at all. Through the entire day I'd bounced a couple of times between the up moods and the down moods, though thankfully mostly stayed on the up so found it easier to hide the failing sanity there.

~~~~~~~Friday 30th October - Trip Cut Short~~~~~~~

The next day dad and Kaitlin made the second of her plaster of paris models from the kit she had brought with her. They made one the day before which she had now already painted. I had breakfast and afterwards when the model was dry I sat with Kaitin while she painted it. It was a nice little bonding experience, and good to see how well she was mixing the colours and how carefully she was painting the detail. Obviously at 5 years old she's not making masterpieces but she's trying really hard and showing a definate interest and aptitude in art. Runs in the family I guess, I take after my musical aunt who has a band and now a 4 track cd, while my sister takes after the artistic aunt who is currently going to university and spends most of her free time creating new pieces.

After lunch, dad, my older cousin Craig and myself all went to the shops for cards and presents for my Nan who was going to be 77 on Saturday. We all managed to find some good gifts in one place (good old WHSmiths) and picked up a few things in the local supermarket before heading back.

Kaitlin had spent the time baking cakes with my aunt, while my other aunt had gone to collect my younger cousin Mitchell from his father's house. When they got back, I sat with my cousin and caught up with him as I hadn't seen him in 4 years. When I last saw him he was a short 10 year old with a blonde crew cut and an encyclopedic knowledge of Monty Python quotes. Now he is 14, almost as tall as me (but only almost) and has a cross between a Beatles bowl cut and an emo mop of blonde hair, and he's obsessions are currently Star Wars and gaming. So he hasn't done too bad in my absence, except he has a 360...oh dear...

Anyway, it wasn't long before lunch was ready, and we enjoyed a good roast chicken dinner together with plenty more family banter. My mood stayed on the up so other than a little hyperactive I felt alright. After lunch, we gave presents and cards a day early. We'd decided to do this anyway as we were planning to leave on the morning of her birthday, simply so we could travel back in daylight when my dad was well rested to drive.

Unfortunately, during the course of the day Kaitlin's mother rang. Now, earlier in the morning, Kaitlin had turned to my aunt and asked "would it be ok if I sleep over another night?" which of course we were all delighted by because that's just what we wanted, her to be happy about staying again so we could leave as planned and wish a proper happy birthday to my Nana. Well, that all changed in the course of about a minute. I don't know what she said but after my sis came off the phone she was insistent on going home that night and was even impatient to leave. nothing we said could sway her and she wouldn't really explain why other than something about her wanting mummy to read her a story to go to sleep.

That fucking woman has done this before, she is making Kaitlin dependant on her, is completely ignorant of the child's actual wants and needs and the one who will suffer in all this is Kaitlin. It's easy to see it will affect her confidence, trust, and ability to stay away from home or spend time with her dad. I spoke to my aunts about this, basically everyone thinks she's being unreasonable and possessive over the child and not letting her lead a normal life visiting family and her other parent. I have a real mind to have serious words with her because it's not fair for Kaitlin to suffer just because her mother is so needy she can't go a night alone. It brought home the exact reason why it came about - when pulling up to her house Kaitlin pointed out that mummy's boyfriend's car wasn't there so he wouldn't be there.

The rest of the day felt rushed and irritated, everyone was unhappy about what had been said and Kaitlin's change of heart because of it. We had to pack our things together and try and explain to an elderly lady who may not see many more birthdays why her son and granddaughters were leaving before her actual birthday. Still, we had some birthday cake later and left around 8:40pm.

Kaitlin had her DVDs again, and amazingly stayed awake the whole journey, probably due in part to having a can of cola and cake in the evening. We stopped at Fleet again for a quick break but most of the drive was in the dark and intermittent rain. Nevertheless, the journey wasn't bad and after dropping Kaitlin home and picking up some milk we were home by midnight. My mood had sunk completely again and taken my energy levels with it so I just tried to get some sleep. It took a few hours of restless exhaustion but I did eventually manage to get a solid few hours.

~~~~~~~ Saturday 31st - Halloween ~~~~~~~

I wasted most of the morning on the internet, pissing about and checking emails etc. I had a late lunch with dad and eventually headed to town late afternoon. I had planned to wander down town and look for a couple extras for my costume for later, but I was feeling exceptionally low so just wanted to jump on the first bus to Blandford and get going. Halfway through the journey, the switch had flipped so by the time I got to Dan's I was pretty cheery and ready to see him.

He was in the bath when I arrived, so I went to wait for him. We spent a little while talking and watching tv before we decided it was time to start getting ready to go out. I had my purple and black prom dress from yr11, so I planned to create some bitewounds on my neck with a little makeup magic and borrow some fake blood when we got to the club to finish it off. Dan was going in his full "The Spirit" costume, which for those who haven't seen the movie or comics is a suit with long jacket, gloves, black shirt, red tie, black eyemask, smart hat and trainers. He looked really rather handsome, and I will freely admit I was very tempted to not let him leave the house and have him to myself!

Anyway, we were ready early so we sat around downstairs watching tv for a while waiting for his sister Claire to pick us up to go. When she arrived, it was obvious getting in to the car was going to be a squeeze. There's literally no legroom in the back normally, but squashing 3 fully grown adults in meant that even with Dan in the middle I had one of my knees crushed on the door up by my chin for most of the journey... When we got there it felt so good just to unfold limbs!

Dan's mask meant he couldn't see well in the distance because his glasses wouldn't fit over the top. We led him to the bar where we waited a good 10minutes or more to be served our first drink. We found a couple of friends and sat on some sofas and had a couple pics taken as we were there.

For the next hour we sat around mostly or wandered about talking to people. My mood took a sudden plummet and I found it difficult to stay in one place at a time without feeling the desperate need to leave. I went outside to the smoking area with them when they went, but it did no good because it made me feel claustrophobic with people lining the narrow walls both sides and more trying to walk down the tiny gap in the middle to find a space to smoke or to go back inside. It's weird, I've never really been claustrophobic but right now lots of people in small spaces make me nervous as hell and set off the start of panic attacks...

We went inside again, where it was boiling and packed full. The door to the pub next door was opened so people could come and go freely through there and sit in that bar too for the night if they wanted. I went to go outside the front for fresh air but was told that as the club was at full capacity we may not get back in. They were operating a one out one in policy on the doors, so the best we could do was stand in the corridor and catch the air from the big fans they have on the floor out there. I spent a bit more time inside sat on the chairs with people, catching up with those I hadn't seen and after a little while my mood bounced back up again. By then, Dan, Claire and Tristan had all gone into the bar next door to try and get served faster but it was so packed with so few staff they were there at least half an hour.

While they were gone, Wombat and co turned up late as they'd been to another party on the way here. Wombat was wasted but my sudden flip in mood bounced right off her and I got a bit hyper, insisting on giving her the promised piggy back immediately and going to find friends.

We went over to see one friend and found ourselves in front of the camera, and right next to a cage that had been set up for the night. I'd seen some people in there earlier so jokingly suggested as Wombat was dressed as a cat she should get in. She wouldn't get in there without me so the owner's partner who was taking pictures suggested we go in there together and she'd take some photos. It turned out to be a good laugh, and I was on a massive high to be having fun with my best mate again after not seeing her in a while. Here's the evidence of the little escapade anyway....

Shortly after that burst of energy my mood dropped as I started to panic again amongst the crowds. A few minutes in the hallway later I managed to control it and returned to the seats in the corner. Dan and co were back from getting drinks, finally, and we sat around talking for a while. Soon after they went for a cigarette, and I talked to Louise while I waited for them to get back. When they'd done smoking, the 5 of us travelling in Claire's car had a quick talk, and decided as it was so unbearably hot and full, with no chance of getting a drink at the bar within 30minutes we might as well leave. It was midnight and we thought we could easily go to the pub back in Blannie and at least have a shot at being served a couple of drinks. It turns out the problem at the club was, apart from it being the busiest club night of the year, that being Samhain, a Pagan holiday, half the bar staff were Pagan and so entitled to the night off work leaving them with nowhere near the amount of people needed to deal with so many customers at once. No surprise really, but as we were all fairly sober and not feeling the mood of the night it was just as well we went back.

I felt low most of the way back, and with Dan dropping in and out of sleep, being cramped up and nobody else really talking on the journey by the time we got to Claire's we decided to call it a night. We went in for a cuppa and relaxed with Claire and Tristan before we had a lift back to Dan's. By the time we got back there I just felt so low all of a sudden I couldn't help but get upset. It was worse because I can't explain why, so Dan feels like it's something he's said or done when it isn't at all, it's just so completely random...anyway, when I pulled myself together we decided we were shattered and just went to sleep. I didn't sleep for a while after he had dropped off, and had a disturbed night again. The depression was just too unbearable, and the nightmares are becoming fairly consistent now. Hooray.

~~~~~~~Sunday 1st Nov - Chiiiiiiilllllllllllll?....~~~~~~~

I woke up a few hours before Dan on Sunday. I spent an hour or so just laying there, then got up and read some of OPM which has finally arrived by subscription without incident this time. eventually he woke up and we went downstairs for coffee. When we went back up he felt like working on som more of his drawings so he set up DOA4 on his 360 for me. I spent a little while playing through before another wave of depression took away my will to keep playing. I took a break for a little while and waited for it to pass, then played a bit more until lunch was ready.

We had a roast dinner downstairs with Dan's mum and her boyfriend. I wasn't hungry at all, and was put off further by the mountain of cauliflower cheese and brussel sprouts on my portion. I had been asked before if I liked this and declined, but obviously that small detail had been forgotten which annoyed his mother who thought she should have been told my likes and dislikes. Well, it's difficult to speak up and say that I've actually told her before and she's just forgotten, so I apologised and decided to just eat what wasn't covered in vile cauliflower cheese sauce. Which wasn't much really. But then, my appetite was absolute zero, and I felt like I was really forcing myself to eat at all. What made it all worse was that I was sat opposite her and experiencing another crushing wave of depression which quickly grew into a panic attack as I wanted to leave but couldn't, and couldn't control my eyes from welling up. The whole thing was a nightmare, I ate a small amount of the meat and had to leave it at that, sitting at the table trying desperately to hold it together while Dan finished eating.

When we went back upstairs I felt so guilty for being upset and ruining the mood and day of everyone around me that I just couldn't hold it together any more. I felt like a total train wreck, and tried my best to explain to Dan just how my head keeps switching itself at random. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I do know that I'm not coping any more. He told me he will be here for me...it's difficult to believe, much as I want to, because I've been dumped because of mental instability before when I had these problems. They had subsided for a couple of years, or at least significantly lessened the frequency of mood flips, and the panic attacks really are something entirely new to me... I dearly hope that this time I have found a hero to rely on, but I'll just keep trying to save myeslf for now because I wouldn't blame him for a second if he walked away from the wreckage...

Anyway...after a while my mood lifted, and we curled up in the quilt to watch Tenacious D's Pick of Destiny on DVD. Everyone likes a good light hearted rock comedy now and then, and it is fairly awesome a film too. The rest of the day was ok, and later we were playing Super Smash Bros on the Wii using the old GC controllers for some co-op challenges. It was fairly fun and we had a laugh watching some of the extras you can get with Snake. Eventually we went to bed, and this time I found it easier to fall asleep. Unfortunately we both woke in the early hours, and I woke a few times after with more nightmares. We had an early start but I managed to get up around 6am to make him coffee. He left for work not long before 7am and I filled out my forms for the jobcentre and caught the bus in to town.

~~~~~~~ Monday 2nd Nov - Rejection, review and the week's plan...~~~~~~~

I got to town with half an hour to kill, so bought a hot chocolate and a cake for £1 (bargain!) from my favourite little shop at the bus station and sat inside the main shopping centre on a bench reading more OPM to kill time. The jobcentre went as usual, and I have been told it's been 6 months now that I've been looking for work, so I have to attend a group review thing for tips on jobhunting. It seems I'm seeing the same guy most times I go now, which is ok. He's not the same chap I saw at first, who seems to have left, but is an older guy. Talking to him about countless fruitless searches doesn't seem as bad, especially now he's said he was out of work himself once for about 8months. I felt a lot less like he would be as scornful as some other people I've seen there at my fortnightly appointments. A small consolation...

I printed out some jobs from the search point machine things, and resolved to apply for them all as soon as I got back. I caught a bus home and by the time I got back felt completely exhausted and drained of all energy, pysically and emotionally. I spent the morning sat with either cat or laptop on my knees searching jobs and applying to the fistful I had brought home with me. Unfortunately a mere couple of hours later I had a rejection email from one. It's more than I usually get but a negative response that quickly is really discouraging. I'm starting to wonder if I'm completely useless now, like all of my CV's and applications just get binned as soon as they arrive. Even the jobs I've been hopeful about have amounted to absolutely fuck all. I signed up with an agency, who literally only took my contact details and available working hours (any) and said that though I didn't have any training that was fine as they often preferred to train new staff their way anyway for the NVQ. They were supposed to call me with an interview date. That was about a month ago. I must admit it's feeling pretty hopeless and extremely unlikely I'll have a job by christmas. Won't even be able to afford to buy close friends and family any gifts, maybe not even Dan, and he keeps mentioning he's seen things that would be great to buy me for Christmas. I feel so intensely guilty for not being able to get anyone birthday presents this year that the very thought of December makes me feel even more depressed and hopeless about the whole situation. I had to borrow money from my boyfriend for a bus fare just to get home this morning. I think that says it all really :(

Well, before I get on too much of a downer again, I'll leave it at that. I've resolved to go to the doctor tomorrow morning for an appointment and start getting my head sorted out. I'll also spend a fair bit of time trying to sort things out here, as Wednesday night looks to be like a gaming night here with Chrispy and Dan coming down in the late afternoon and staying over as they're both off Thursday. I hope it perks me up, because if I keep breaking down I'll have no choice but to stay away from people completely rather than risk being the pathetic person I used to be.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - What's the Point Anyway?

2009-10-28T17:47:00.003Z

These last couple of days have been particularly low. Don't ask me why I don't have a clue, but I woke up this morning disappointed to have woken up at all. Yesterday all I had to eat was some pancakes I forced myself to have for lunch, the rest of the time I wasn't bothered by food or hunger at all. Today, pretty much the same, I forced down some sausages and tried to cheer myself up with a couple of toasted waffles but it felt like it took a lot of effort to eat. I know I probably won't have anything else tonight, use the same lie that I had a large late lunch to pacify my father if he offers anything. I rather hope he'll be out with his sailing friends tonight, I don't want to face anyone in this state.

I've been lethargic to say the least, barely got off my ass all day unless I really had to. Didn't feel like gaming, didn't feel like doing anything really so have sat largely comatose in front of shite tv while playing round after round of spider solitaire on my laptop. It doesn't matter if I win or lose I just keep playing because it's automatic now, so simple and logical to just click through the game without caring about anything else. I should have gone to the library at least to take a book back, and booked an appointment at the doc's to sort my head out, but it all seemed just so pointless. It's been weeks since my last hope at getting a job and I've heard nothing back from them. The agency I signed up to, that offered free training and an almost assured position, they were meant to call with an interview date nearly a month ago. Why the fuck am I bothering? There's been nothing to even apply for in the last week, so by Monday when I have to go to the job centre that'll go tits up. Joy.

I am beginning to doubt I could even deal with a job in my current mental state, it's like a light turning on and off randomly in my head. When I feel good I feel great, like I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to, I feel energetic and determined to do things, I feel inspired and want to write......then it switches, with no trigger, no reason, and I feel like crying, I feel tired and either can't stay awake or can't fall asleep, I feel like the simplest things are virtually impossible and that there's no point to any of it anyway, I feel irritable even towards people who are only trying to be positive towards me and desperately want to get away from everyone and everything because I can't cope with the pressure of other people's emotions.....and then without warning it switches back again.

On top of this I'm worried about other people and their problems, which I can't really discuss here other than to say someone I care for deeply is so stressed right now it's making them seriously physically ill. I can't solve their problems for them and I'm finding it difficult convincing them to make the motions to help solve the problem for themselves. I hate myself for my own human limitations, I cannot control my own life let alone aid anyone else's.

And then there's this weekend. Tomorrow morning I leave for Dover with my dad and little sister to see family. If it wasn't for the fact I haven't been to see them for about 4years I would be backing out of it right now. I'm not looking forward to it, I doubt that I can cope with it and I'm wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do for 3days. The day I get back I'll be rushing to town to pick up some things then getting my ass to Blandford so we can go to Halloween night at the club. Fantastic, amazing, wonderful, if I panic again up there when I'm drinking it'll just end up making the whole thing worse for everyone.

I'm wondering how much longer I can keep going, half wishing every time I cross the road a car will come out of nowhere and strike me down, half hoping every time I board a bus it'll crash, still disappointed every time I wake up and see myself in the mirror and know I haven't changed...and the worst part is I don't know why I feel like that, and that the only possible cause is so deeply buried in my memory I'm terrified of bringing it all screaming out into the open because the last time I tried to face it I nearly lost myself forever to the insanity of my own mind. My past may have shaped me, but it left cracks that are tearing under the pressure of living each pointless day after the next. And I know how ridiculously over-dramatic whiny little emokid I sound, even to myself as I think these things but I'm powerless to take control of my own feelings, I am a slave to my emotions and they're working my knuckles to the bone.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Artful Vomiting

2009-10-27T22:27:00.003Z

I've yet to write on the mcm expo, I'll get around to it soon enough. Right now I just felt like writing down a couple of my more recent inspirations. I've been writing again, up to 4 or 5 pieces in a day when I feel inspired, or I'll go weeks without writing. I've been writing for contests on AllPoetry (my personal page is here with my full back catalogue of shite), anyway I've been writing for contests for inspiration and challenge, and also written a couple of pieces out of the blue. Everything I have written recently has been of personal significance, so I thought a couple should make their way over here to this little corner while I sort my head out enough to write about more important and interesting things.

~~~

"SPEECHLESS"

When we first kissed,
It hung on the air like a distant piano's chord,
As beautiful and delicate as the northern lights.

When we first embraced,
It felt like a natural force pulling me in,
And the rest of the world was obscured from sight.

When we first spoke,
It seemed like an unstoppable fountain of words,
We could have talked for years in a night.

Now when we kiss,
It hangs on my lips like the sweetest taste,
The delightful addiction I don't want to fight.

Now when we embrace,
It feels like magnets holding each other in,
The warmth and affection when you hold me tight.

Now when we speak,
It seems I'm speechless and lost for words,
I feel so strongly, but I just can't say it right.

~~~

"FOOD"

I crave you, I hate you,
Tempting me, Taunting me,
Making my taste buds tingle Making my stomach churn
At the thought of you. At the sight of you.
I hunger for you I detest you
Even when I've eaten my fill. Even when I'm starving sick.

You're delicate, You're disgusting,
Beautiful lust, Saturated hate,
Laced with the finest tastes, Filled with slick oily fats,
My secret comfort. My hidden sin.

So hot and sweet, So warm and sickly,
Adorned with treacle lattice, Smothered in sticky sauces,
Served with smooth cream. Draped in liquid sin.
Teasing with a centre Oozing from your centre
Peeking from the side. The sickness that's inside.

~~~

This third piece is one I wrote for a contest, which was to create a dark story to a positive picture. Of the options there were, I chose this one.
"POSSESSION"

The sun shone down on golden fields
And burnt the maiden's skin.
She'd fallen into her prince's arms
As he had drawn her in.
Sweet and fair our maiden was,
Innocent and pure.
Darkened by the prince's touch,
And sickness beyond cure.

In the golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn.
Sweet lovers in the dawn,
By evening they were torn.

Pulling her towards him,
The prince, he stole her kiss.
Holding her too tightly,
She could not resist.
He'd woo'd her with his words
And brought her to this place,
Now the maiden was trapped,
Within love's tight embrace.

In golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn.
Sweet lovers in the dawn,
By evening she was torn.

All the maiden wanted
Was to free her loving heart,
But now this sweet possession
Was tearing her apart.
She reached up her slender hand
and grabbed him by the wrist.
She bit his lip and tasted blood
As she ended the unrelenting kiss.

In golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn.
Sweet lovers in the dawn,
By evening now forlorn.

The prince released the maiden,
And realised what he'd done.
Something so very precious,
Should never in haste be won.
He'd lost her now to darkness,
As night came closing in.
The maiden left him on his knees,
For what was, should not have been.

In golden fields of corn,
Upon a summer morn,
So naive at dawn,
The maiden was reborn.

~~~

Anyway, I'm off to work out if I'm feeling insomnia tonight or if I'm just that tired I can't tell anymore....
Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Stress, Panick and Food

2009-10-22T14:24:00.001+01:00

I still haven't caught up with those few middling weeks but things are getting to me too much to have the time to sit here and write it all out. See, yesterday Dan had his hospital appointment in Dorchester because the leg he broke years ago hasn't healed properly and has been hurting for a while. His sister Claire and her boyfriend Tristan took us all up and after the appointment we went in to the local market.

I've never been a big fan of shopping, particularly when I have no money in places where there's nothing interesting anyway, but it was a nice-ish day and with good company so I didn't really mind. Then after a while I just started feeling low, and it kept getting lower and I wasn't able to control how I felt or hide it either. We were heading for lunch but by the time we got there a few minutes later my appetite had gone and my mood had sunk so quickly and intensely...I declined food until about the tenth time in a row when Dan practically ordered for me, by which time I was in tears with no idea why and couldn't stop it.

My instinct right there and then was the overpowering urge to leave, to run in the opposite direction and stop causing problems for the people I was with. Dan was distressed because he didn't know why and I can't tell him yet, he felt like people would think it was his fault I was upset which made me feel even worse for affecting him and not being able to control it. It took sitting down and breathing deeply to eventually let it pass.

Looking back at it later it was really more like a panic attack, I got low and then wanted to be alone so I wouldn't make anyone else feel bad, but I didn't have that choice, I had no way of hiding how I felt and it escalated into feeling trapped and panicking. Something similar happened when we were at the cinema getting snacks before going in. There's no trigger, nothing causing it, I can only assume it's the repressed memory and emotion getting too much and breaking out when I least expect it to. It doesn't seem to happen as much on my own, because I feel in control on my own and don't have to worry about anyone else. I'm worried now when it might happen again, because there's no warning, no reason, and it all happens so fast it's devastating and the more it happens around Dan the worse he'll feel. I am concerned it'll happen Saturday in London, but I'm hoping it'll be ok. I'll go to the gp soon, get a referral and sort my head out before it gets any worse.

The other thing I'm concerned about right now is appetite. One week I'll be hungry all the time, or eat even if I'm not hungry, and the next I'll have no want for food at all, barely eating only when it becomes extremely uncomfortable not to. There'll be days when I only have a sandwich and a glass of milk and barely even want that, others I'll get through double breakfast, a big lunch, cooked dinner, and be snacking every hour or even half hour sometimes and still not feel full or satisfied. Today I've had....a pint of milk and a hot chocolate. Oh. Woops. Another thing I'm just not in control of right now.

BrainVomit - Money, Trust, Honesty and The NeverEnding Past

2009-10-19T10:46:00.004+01:00

I haven't written in a while. I started some blogging offline but haven't finished them, so I guess they'll have to wait. What's on my mind right now is a bit of a combination of things that are troubling me.

~~~~~~~Money~~~~~~~
The first and most obvious is my continued lack of employment. I have to rely on other people to pay for things if I want to do much at all, which although is nice when people offer I just don't like it because I feel a bit like my ex and the way that he used to make me feel obliged to buy him things, even when he didn't directly ask for them I felt it was expected of me to offer and he would get upset, disappointed, or angry if I didn't buy him things or pay for him to go places. This was to the extent that to protect him from a little bit of aggro at stopping going to the jobcentre I was paying his rent that was supposed to come out of his JSA even when I wasn't living there, at the time it was beyond my comprehension not to and to force him to go back to the jobcentre or actually look for one and apply. So now, I feel like by agreeing to go out to say the cinema or somewhere when I can't afford it I'm pushing someone else into paying, even if it was their idea and they offered to pay from the outset.

I'm also concerned about an upcoming trip to London. I desperately want to see the friends I adore but the costs are so high I fear if they go up again I won't be able to make it and will be letting them down and missing out. The train tickets I need were just £20 return the other week, but the day after I checked the prices, when i actually had the money to get them, the price had risen to £45. If these cheaper tickets sell too before I can afford to get them when my JSA comes through on Thursday there's no way it can be done. As it is, the £45 is nearly a week's worth of money gone as I only have £100 per fortnight, then it's another £15 for the ticket, and I'll probably need to take £5 for some food and drink at some point. It's all well and good taking my own but I'll be leaving at 6am and getting home around midnight, I can't really carry that much around all day. So that's £65. I then need another £20, per week, for bus fares just to be able to see Dan and get around town and to the job centre when I need to go, and for interviews if I ever get one of those. Which takes me up to £105. Bugger. But then even after that I need some essentials, like treatment for the headlice we caught from Dan's neices, another £12 at least to do all of my hair, then retaxing and MOT'ing my bike soon so I can stop using the buses and get that on the road which includes getting address changes on all the paperwork, at least another £100....so what I need for the next fortnight for the basics, not counting food or being able to go out anywhere other than Dan's house and my own is £152, and that's before adding the Expo into this. I can't afford anything, I'll have to leave the bike of the road, miss out on seeing Dan, who's the only one keeping me happy most of the time, for at least a week, and just get 7days of bus fares and treatment for my hair and go to London for that one day of enjoyment between stressing constantly about money. I hope I enjoy it and don't get depressed again or it'll be such a waste. I adore my friends and miss them dearly but if I'm miserable I might as well be miserable at home with a few pennies to keep me going.

~~~~~~~Trust~~~~~~~
The second thing that worries me is that although I adore Dan, I'm just speechless to even begin telling him. I can tell him he's appreciated, show him affection, but when it comes to the words...I can't do it. I trust him, he means that much to me and that I know for sure, but it's the self doubt and lack of self confidence piled upon me by all my past relationships with men. I mean, realistically, my first boyfriend (at the admittedly late age of 16) cheated on me. My second was unintentionally neglectful, and was unable to cope with my troubled feelings at the time (the worst point in my depression mostly). My third I'm fairly sure cheated too, and dumped me because of my own personal problems which I was trying to overcome. Moreover, he ditched when he was drunk and I was so ill I could barely stand and had the nerve to ask me for "one last time"< AFTER dumping me, when I was just too ill, upset and confused to say "no, go fuck yourself" and instead rolled over to satisfy his needs like an obedient dog while neglecting my own as usual. This then lead on to my longest relationship which was, although good at first, soon filled with arguments, mistrust, paranoia, posessiveness, isolation, depression, alcoholism, and whether intentionally or not a whole coctail of emotional, psychological and physical abuse. Getting free of that relationship left me free and liberated with renewed confidence, and for some reason still willing to trust. I then stupidly misplaced that trust in the first thing that looked good and ended up being lied to, rejected, and scorned, by a person who was adamant I had admitted feelings to them which I did not have and would never have spoken for that very reason. So now I can't say it, I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Whether it'll be something I say or do, which with my eternal guilt complex is more than likely (I have to try and stop mysel apologising every 2 minutes, I often think or feel most things are my fault even if I had nothing to do with them), or if he ends up hurting me in some way whether intentionally or not. I'm terrified of being clingy, I'm petrified of letting go, I'm just trying to keep some sort of balance to the insanity of the whole thing.

~~~~~~~Honesty and the NeverEnding Past~~~~~~~
This final stress is the one causing me most worry, the thing that keeps me laying there awake an hour after Dan's gone to sleep, giving me nightmares and waking me up throughout the night leaving me drained in the morning and feeling like I may as well not have bothered going to sleep in the first place for all the good it did. To put it simply and bluntly, without going in to much detail, I didn't have a very good time growing up. I've been reading a book over the last week (which I finished today) that has helped to put certain things into perspective for me, and has made me realise for all my trying to believe the past is behind me it really isn't. It's the cause, whether conscious or not, for the random outbursts of depression. I could be in a perfectly normal happy situation, no triggers at all to make me feel bad, but suddenly I feel completely crushed, very unhappy, tearful sometimes too which makes me feel worse because I know that it brings down the mood of those around me. What's more difficualt is not being able to explain why I feel that way. It usually doesn't make sense to me either. It's just all of a sudden I feel bad, nothing is enjoyable and I don't know what I want or what would make me feel better, and a lot of the time I feel like just running away and being alone just so I'm not making others feel worse.

Even right now typing this, the fingertips on my left hand have gone stone cold, my palm and the base of my fingers are warm but the tips are like ice and painful to boot. It's one of the ways I notice when I'm stressed, it's a common medical phenomenon that causes the blood vessels in the extremities (nose, fingertips, toes) to constrict, which makes them feel cold and often change colour to brighter red or even a more bluey purpley hue. I'm wearing 2 pairs of warm socks and my toes are absolutely frozen numb. It's not cold in here, so there's no other reason for it. Just realised my nose too has followed suit to a chilled temperature. Oh dear.

Anyway, physical symptoms aside, it's these emotional problems that I'm still struggling with. Admittedly, I have nothing like the problems I used to when I was in my late teens (amnesic dissociation, depression, extreme mood swings bordering on manic depression, flashbacks) but the lower level issues (chronic fatigue, periods of depression, problems with food and appetite, general anxiety, low level paranoia) are returning and I fear the rest may follow if I'm not able to deal with the root of the problem soon. Through reading the book I've realised that all of this can be attributed to the same things, and that without accepting, acknowledging and properly recovering I won't really be able to lead the life that I want. Bottling things up, keeping them hidden, putting a face on, none of these things really work and it's about time I stopped doing them, because at the end of the day they'll only do more harm than good.

So in comes honesty, and to a large extent trust also. Do I need to tell the man I care about everything that's going on? I've been left for it before, and don't want him to leave but then wouldn't want him to stay just because I'm considering going back to therapy. Does he need to know? Would he want to know? In knowing the darker parts of my past would he think less of me, or in keeping them from him would he distrust my lack of openness with him? A rather irrational thought that has crossed my mind is should I leave him now and save him the burden if I get worse and save myself the pain if he can't help me or be there when I need him? Would telling him make him feel bad about his own life or would the burden of my own problems push him down as it has me? Even if I decide to tell him how on earth am I supposed to introduce the subject?

Either way, I've decided to somehow persue a solution to my past. It can't be changed but it can be overcome, by facing it head on and kicking it in the nuts. The difference between now and the last time I sought professional help is that now I'm old enough to deal with it, when before I was young, afraid, and having panic attacks every time I stepped foot in the building to see the psychiatrist. This time, I'm prepared, hopefully all will go well, even if it has to get worse before it gets better.

BrainVomit - Change of Luck, Dependance, and Radio Silence

2009-10-01T19:34:00.002+01:00

Today my luck took an odd lot of shifting. I woke up to the phone ringing, and shortly after got the message saying I could go in or the scan today if I called them back to confirm. So I did so and got it booked for 1:45pm. They asked me to get there for between 1:15 and 1:30 so I had a relaxed morning, a long bath, and planned the bus I'd need to catch.

I walked down in time for the bus, but after 5minutes it hadn't arrived. I guessed it had gone by early and figured I'd still have time to get the next one as they come at 10minute intervals anyway. The time for the next bus came, and went by again, when it was 5mins late for that one I was at panic stage - if I missed the scan appointment there'd be a long wait for the next one and I'd be wasting time someone else could have needed. Luckily, a different bus came by and I got to town centre just in time to hop on the next bus to the hospital. I wasoriginally going to walk to save money but I bought a return ticket because quite frankly walking is still rather uncomfortable.

I got there in time, and after checking in at the dest I was sat waiting for about 25minutes before I was wheeled down to the right department. I could have walked but I guess it was easier that way and I didn't have to figure out directions for myself. They dropped me off and I was shown to a cubicle to go for the old gown combo. Another 30mins of waiting and they had the paperwork they were waiting for and I went in for the scan. It was an ultrasound across the veins to locate any potential clots in there. Thankfully they found none and after changing back and another wait I was wheeled back upstairs. Another while of waiting and I was seen by the DVT doc who reaffirmed the scan showed all clear and that I was free to go but had no insight as to what was causing the continued pain. The only advice I was given was go home and if it continues go back to the GP again. Great. So it's probably another "stress related" thing, known as an act of god in some circles, or in others simply one of the world's more annoying mysteries.

So that's it, there's no big problem but it's still intensely painful to walk anywhere and by the end of the day I can't even wiggle my toes without pain shooting through the muscle. Fantastic. I would probably be more relaxed if they'd found a clot because at least then it could be treated, get better, and I wouldn't look/feel like a hypochondriac lunatic.

The other thing getting to me today is that I miss Dan. It's not just that I miss him so much as right now I really want to hear from him. It's crazy, I'm not normally this dependant, but there's been so much stress over the past couple of days...and though I now don't have to worry about any more painful jabs or trips to the hosp I'm feeling lower than ever. Sometimes I feel like I want nothing more than to talk to friends, be around them, stuf like that, but I don't want to be moaning about problems or focussing on them. I used to be that whiney depressed one in the corner and I feel like I'm going that way again which is not what I want. At least here it's easier to sit in the background without dragging anyone else down with me.

I wish I was tired enough to go to sleep so I could just wake up in a day or so time when I can see people again, I'm sick of being so lonely with nothing to do but fill in endless forms applying for soul-crushingly pointless jobs I'm overqualified for and looking at the empty space where not even rejection letters fall. It does have a funny way of making a person feel entirely useless when they don't even get a reply from a ridiculous shop job with training provided when they have a ton of experience in the role and plenty of good grades behind that too.

To pass the time I've been trying to make a level on LBP, building my own rocket powered rollercoaster. It's not as easy as I'd hoped, and the frustration is depressing me more. I'm tempted to just go for some Fallout 3 to kill time until I can sleep again but all I want is to hear from the person I care most about. He's probably run out of credit or gone to sleep after long day at work, so I'm not paranoid about it or anything silly like that, I just miss him now. I didn't realise how dependant I've become on his presence and words to lift my mood. Maybe it's not even so much dependance, as just how low I feel now I crave that which makes me happiest.

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~

When did it happen? When did missing you turn from a distant apathy to a longing for just one more kiss, one moment in your arms... I'm holding my breath waiting or just one word, because tonight any word will do as long as it comes from you.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Seriously? Anything Else Want to Fuck Up?!

2009-09-30T15:56:00.003+01:00

So that leg cramp. I went to the doctors this morning and after a wait of about 40mins to be seen in "open surgery". One short appointment and long phone call later and he was sending me off to the hospital with a letter for a blood test for DVT. Dan was waiting outside for me, ready to catch the bus to town so he could get the next one to Blannie in time for his shift at work. He got me a return ticket and we parted at the station, leaving me a 15 minute slow shamble to the hospital.

I was there for about 45mins before I got the blood test, which was bad enough. I hate needles, never been good with them, and for the first time having this lot of blood taken made me hot, dizzy and sick. Not fun. After some further examination I was given some water and asked to come back in about an hour and a half for the results. Great, more walking with a painful leg. Fantastic.

Went slowly to town and wandered about, got lunch and sat for a while. Bumped into a couple of mates and talked a few mins before slowly ambling back to the hospital. Another 35 minute wit after the given time and I had results. The test was for the signs of possible deep vein thrombosis. Though they wouldn't give a full diagnosis, if negative it would rule out DVT as a possibility, meaning it is more likely a muscle pull or strain.

Well, tests came back positive. The next step is to confirm presence of a clot with a scan, which has been booked for Tuesday. Until then though, treatment starts immediately. They do this as a precaution, no clot no harm done but if there is one and it's left untreated there's a lot more risk if it moves to heart or lung. Not much choice really. Thing is the treatment at the start is daily injections at the hospital, just what a needle-phobic wants to hear.

Had the first one there and then. It has to go in the stomach for various reasons, and thankfully the jab itself I barely felt, but it was after it hurt like hell. See, the stuff they inject is fairly oily which causes a hot stinging burning sensation, like a nasty bee sting. Lasted a good couple hours, and I had to sit and drink water right after because I felt suddenly sick and dizzy again. Most likely stress but still not pleasant at all and I have this to look forward to daily until at least Tuesday, or longer if the scan shows a clot.

Of course all this is just adding to the stress and depression, along with news my stepdad's lung has reinflated but still leaking into his chest cavity. Hopefully should heal and be out by friday but it's still worrying. I'm just hitting a high on stress and a low on mood now, and dreading the next jab to the belly-flab. Maybe I'll just play lbp and fallout 3 until I fall asleep. :( not like this jobless loser has anything better to do with her time than waste it.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Bad Luck Becomes Ridiculous

2009-09-29T20:40:00.002+01:00

When does luck stop becoming luck and turn in to a complete and utter joke? I'm wondering if I've inadvertantly pissed off a gypsy or accidentally done what Svetlana did in NightWatch and cursed myself. Woops. Goodness knows, but I'm getting a little sick of it now.

So not only have I lost 2 beloved pets in as many weeks, but I've had recurring and utterly splitting headaches that are just not affected by painkillers, sleep, drinking more or any of the traditional cures, I've had a cramp in my leg since yesterday which is making walking nigh on impossible because the pain gets so intense so quickly. Last night I had all the painkillers I could, rubbed some anti-inflammatory gel into it and still when I went to bed it was so painful I couldn't even literally pick my leg up and lift it without it hurting more. Because of that today has been largely wasted indoors on Little Big Planet because the idea of walking to and from the bus stop and sitting in a cinema for a couple of hours if it caused it to really flare up.

On top of this mum called this afternoon to say that my stepdad went in to hospital this morning with a collapsed lung from the lingering emphicema at the top of his chest. It's being drained and he should be out tomorrow all being well, but I'm still worried about mum knowing she's running to and from the hospital and trying to catch up on the work she's missed today at home. I've never really seen eye to eye with Dave either but I guess these days we get along well enough. It's just that one more bit of stress that I really don't need.

It seems like I should be happy with the other things around me but I'm continually becoming more and more dragged down by this re-occurence of depression . It's starting to make me moody and I don't like that at all. I don't even know what to write now, I'm sat next to Dan who's attempting to build a level on LBP. Maybe I should just help that effort instead. :s

BrainVomit - A Long Time, Relapse, and Staring Right In The Face Of It.

2009-09-28T13:27:00.001+01:00

I've not written in a while. A lot of the reason for that is always being out, being away, spending time anywhere but at home in this small room with only a console and this small screen for company. I'm not even going to attempt to cover the entirety of the time missed out in the middle as I usually do but will attempt instead a brief (hah) summary of the important changes and events.

I've had a run of abysmal luck, and to be honest it has begun to affect me in odd moments of depressive relapse. See, depression isn't something you can ever truly get rid of, only stave it off for as long as you can before it comes back then try to fight it back again when it does. One of the worst things about it is when you have it you become intensely aware of how much of a whiney twat you must sound like to everyone else and how much it brings down the moods of those around you also. It's difficult also to often know why it occurs, whether it's just a build up of stress and minor annoyances swallowed back and bottled up so long it just boils over into a brief meltdown until enough pressure is released to put the lid back on, or whether it's the effect of repressing those bad times in life for so long that you almost forget them, then remember them all suddenly and find it difficult to forget. Sometimes, it's just like feeling bad when you have no real reason to. Either way the problem itself causes an almost complete psychological inability to feel happy despite all things that would normally make you happy or cheer you up. It's not because you don't want to feel happy, you just simply can't.

Sometimes, when this happens, you get the feeling like you want to be alone, like all the attentions and affections of friends are too overbearing, but then when you are alone all the bad feelings are intensified because there's nothing there to distract you from feeling that way. Personally, I often seek solace simply because I can't stand to bring down the people around me. Much as they may say it's ok, they don't mind, they'd rather help, and much as I may believe that also, it's just that bit more crushing to know how you feel is making others feel worse when you are so completely powerless to change it. But anyway, enough rambling on that, let's cover some lost time instead. But maybe this will help explain some of the things that follow, I'm not sure, I can't say I'm entirely thinking straight today so I apologise for any resulting sporadic subject changes.

I left off the day before I was to say the final goodbye to my most beloved pet of, well, all my life. I drove to Blandford almost automatically, but was running late by the time I got to the meeting place. Mum wasn't annoyed though, she understood and I had let her know the roads were a nightmare getting down so that was one bit I could relax about. We talked in the car nearly all the way to Gillingham.

When we arrived I just wanted to see Tosca, to know how bad she really was and if we were making the best decision. I'd seen her going downhill over the last year but from what I'd heard over the last 2 days the steady descent had hit a sudden sharp decline. I saw her wandering in to the kitchen, she was wobbling on her back legs, looking more untidy than ever (which is a big thing with cats, you always know they're seriously ill when they stop washing and get tangled fur) and though she happily tucked in to her dinner of raw liver which she'd been having all week there was something wrong, she kept looking a little confused. I sat down and had a cup of tea to talk to mum and my stepdad, Dave, and the cat wandered off upstairs to sleep. Her bed had been taken down as we didn't expect her to go back up but she was happy to lay on the carpet in her usual place under the radiator even without the soft comfort of the folded up old dog pillow.

I spent a good deal of time up there with her, talking to her, stroking her, listening to her sweet purr and thinking about all the times we'd spent together. Mum came upstairs after a while and we went to look at some old photos while she rested, the time ever counting down to the dreaded hour. She opened a box of jumbled photos and the first one we found was this one. It was like it was just meant to be.

Shortly after we found a few more lurking around. The first 2 were from when we'd just brought her home, I was 4 years old. She saw me through everything in my life, the good times and the bad, and was the only one who ever truly loved me for exactly who I was. Whenever I was ill she'd spend the whole day curled up with me, whenever I felt sad she'd come to me with a purr and her signature headbutting kiss to the nose. We understood each other on a level so pure I don't think I'll ever have a connection like that with anyone or anything else. It was something completely different.

Seeing her as she was though, it was difficult to think of her the same. She was confused, she would get up for a drink, have a few sips, then move to curl up again but then look baffled and turn around to drink more, then decide to lay down again. It was painful to watch just how bad she was but comforting to know it had only happened over the last 2 days and that she was still purring and able to be happy to see me still. I took some video of her, realising I didn't have any and knowing I'd want to keep some memory of her.

When the dreaded hour came we had our one final cuddle and I eased her into the box on a blanket. she was confused and unhappy and it was the hardest thing ever to take her in the car on my lap, hearing her meowing in protest to the movement and knowing where we had to go. Knowing it was the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier. I cried an awful lot that day, but she died looking at me with my hand stroking her as the injection too effect and she slowly eased down for that last sleep. I guess in some ways it was easier knowing that I'd done it before for another of my beloved pets many a year ago and had seen the process also while doing work experience in a vet. It was disappointing that the vet hadn't been briefed and happily asked us what he could do for her when we came in but I guess in a busy clinic not all notes are passed on. It would have been easier if he had seen her before too but I guess that's how it goes. I made one request, for a clipping of her fur, and agreed with mum that she would be cremated seperately so I could have her ashes when they came back. That night I went back to Dan's in Blandford, and he somehow manaed to console me and make me feel better.

There were other photos we came across in those boxes though, ones I havent uploaded. Again from when I was very young, there was one of myself and my half brother Ali, my dad's son, who died a few years ago in circumstances that were never made clear to me. Also we found a picture of my gramp, who died when I was about 7, holding me when I was just a baby. When I was alone again it brought home some more of those feelings of loss and confusion, and the bad feeling of never bein told what went on. I'd always been left to assume gramp died of kidney failure, because he'd already had one of them removed and nobody told me otherwise, but it wasn't so long ago that someone told me he actually had heart disease and died of a heart attack in his sleep. As for Ali, well if anyone knows what really happened they never told me. He was hit by a train, but it's the circumstances that are unclear. I hadn't seen or heard from him in years, not since he'd left dad's after many a row and gone to live with his mum instead. Turned out he was living in a tent in her garden and was involved in drugs somehow. No idea on specifics, like what it was or if he just used them or did more than that, because nobody thought it important to tell me. But it leaves open the question how did it happen, his friends seemed to think it sudden and there's always questions when drus are involved as to whether it was an accident or suicide or if it was just meant to look that way. His uncle, Ian, who I'd seen a fair few times in my childhood when he lived in Poole and we visited them, told my mum at the time he'd be in touch if he found any more details, but she never heard anything back from him. I'm assuming if dad knew anything it would quite probably be too hard for him to bring it up now. But there it is, the persistence of loss affecting my mind.

The few weeks between then and now have been relatively uneventful, so I'll try to be brief about the few occurences of mild interest. One Saturday, Wez was leaving for Uni and having one last night out at the club, and on the same night April was having a birthday do at the pub. We went to the pub first to wish her well and made arrangements to go to the club with Zac and Emski after. It was an anything goes fancy dress night with the annual awards going out at midnight (best theme attendance, best dancer, most loyal customer etc). I went in my bo peep outfit as I assumed Wez would use the excuse to go as a sheep. The others with me didn't bother really, Dan wasn't interested in it much and had to work the next day and the other 2 didn't care. It was a shame, it can be fun to go all out for these.
We got there, and Wez had gone all out as supersheep of Worms fame, but nobody else had really bothered much. Unfortunately the night didn't go well for me. I'd had one pint at the pub, but didn't have any money for more so had mostly sobered while getting to the club. The slow sobering while awake tends to make me feel a bit down anyway.

I'd hoped Dan would take the hint and remember his offer to buy me a couple while we were there but he returned from the bar with a pint for himself, and we all just sat in the corner. The music wasn't catching me that night, the mix was a bit rubbish, so we were talking. Dan fell asleep on me and I slowly realised I just wasn't talking to anyone and was staring at the ceiling instead. I got given a free drink ticket at one point so I went for a shot of chilled Jager hoping it would perk me up a little but it really didn't.

The whole time we were there I knew Dan just wanted to be home sleeping but had come along for my sake so I could say goodbye to Wez before he left for Uni land. Zac and Emski kept dropping not to subtle hints too - "we're fine to leave whenever, if you want to go early just let us know". I was interested in seeing who won the awards, because I figured one of my mates had to get one for something, so I wanted to wait until midnight when they said they'd do them. Instead I felt so pressured by everyone and with then sobering up from the Jager the depression really started to set in. It wasn't helped by the fact I still felt guilty for accidentally elbowing Dan in the nose a few days previous which had made it a bit uncomfortable for him, but then while he was sleeping on me Chrispy thought it funny to shove a strip of cigarette filters up his nose waking him up annoyed and in pain. At that point I just wanted out so I went outside and stood out there until I felt too cold and had to come back in.

I didn't want to be stuck around feeling bad about bringing everyone down, and not even having fun, while constantly being reminded that everyone I was with wanted to leave and were pushing me towards it further and further. By 11:50pm I got pissed off, I'd had enough of the unsubtle hinting and constant feeling like crap, it was obvious there was no longer any point me being there even as a token gesture so I just said fine fuck it you all want to leave so badly let's just go there's no point staying any more anyway. I'd been in and outside anyway trying to be alone but a couple of times people just happened to find me there and said they wouldn't leave until I told them what's wrong so I just walked away from them. I feel bad for that, it was not the kindest choice, but I couldn't take their company and didn't want to lash out at them. I'd asked them nicely to go, and it seemed the better option to just leave myself and get away.

I made arrangements to see Wez on the Thursday before he left in Blannie, and we ended up spending the day together there just wandering about, hanging out, talking and the like, and playing hangman in the pub over a couple pints of coke. That was a much better way to say farewell, and I apologised for being that way on the saturday but I realise now I was just trying to do too much when it would have been good enough to just say no and stay home.

Another week I've missed in this blog was when Dan's mum went on holiday for a week, leaving us to look after the house and cat. I brought over my PS3 and we set it up downstairs so I'd have something to do while he was at work in the day some days. It seemed pointless me going home in the day when there was a free house and I would only be doing the same thing there. one night I cooked us both lamb steak with veg and mash, which was nice because I hadn't cooked for him before and he liked it.

Another day that week he made plans to go to "camera club". I had no idea what this was only that he'd been before a long time ago (when he still had long hair) and had one of his photos in a book, I think it was this one or something similar.

Anywho, he'd arranged to go there, I was feeling a bit out of sorts and he didn't really explain what it was or what to expect, just that it doesn't happen often and that he'd been asked to go there by the one whose book he was in. His sister was supposed to be there with the kids too, but that's all I knew. We had to get a taxi to some local village town hall, and we turned up to see a line of people with cameras sitting down, and someone taking photos of Dan's sister while her boyfriend and the kids were sat over in the corner. We went to join them and I ended up with one of the kids sat on my lap while they waited. The kids went up for photos next, together and individually, and it seemed that photographers were choosing who they wanted to get pictures of and taking a few different shots of them. One thing I forgot to mention was I didn't have anything smart to wear, and wasn't expecting it, so was ready to go in denim skirt and a tshirt when Dan suggested I change. I ended up in my jeans and one of his smart shirts. I didn't feel myself and was already feeling down and more than a bit self conscious but he was insistent we had a nice photo together so I thought well what's the harm in that.

When the kids had had a load of photos we were the only ones left really so Dan went over and they sat us down together. It seemed like nobody was interested in taking any photos and I was exceptionally uncomfortable faking a smile in an uncomfortable chair feeling so intensely self conscious. I'm not confident, and I don't like the way I look, it wasn't the way I'd normally plan an evening but I was there for him. When a few snaps had been taken of us together I got up and Dan had a lot of solo shots taken by several photographers requesting him. I was stood at the side watching, holding his glasses or coat when needed, and all the while feeling so insignificant next to him. I'm not complaining really, it's something I've come to accept that when I'm with him I'll always be standin in the shadow of his confidence, his charm, and his popularity. I'm just not that person, and trying to be would be lying to myself. Of course, I try to be confident, I strive to improve myself and make more friends and the like but I'll never be at his level. It's just not who I am. I'm a doormat, submissive and happy letting people make the decisions most of the time. I get walked over a lot...

Anyway, not much else exciting has happened other than the aforementioned. I finally got an interview for a job, and didn't get it. The unemployment factor is starting to really get to me now. I am penniless and feel useless, always having to rely on someone else to pay if I want to do anything interesting with them. At first, it seemed ok, I didn't think it would be for long so it was like a holiday from the constant working previous and with the rest of my life upside down it was do-able. Then I had the enthusiastic prospects of university, which fell through like most of my other dreams. Then came the prospect of the job I went for the interview for. Youth work in Bournemouth, finally doing something useful, starting on the right path, but there were 9 jobs going and 35 of us in interview. Everyone else was either working in youth work already or had a degree, it's amazing I got that far really from the 80 people that applied but I was still bitterly disappointed by the rejection letter. Now I'm back to applying for shitty unfulfilling jobs in retail because I have all my experience there, and still despite the many years experience, good qualifications, etc etc, I still don't even get any rejection letters let alone interviews. It's ridiculous and depressing. It's no wonder I'm feeling dragged back down in to it now.

The only thing that makes me feel better really is being with Dan, knowing I have that one bit of security and certainty in my life. I care about my friends dearly and they do cheer me up sometimes but most of them feel so far away now, I miss them. But you know even though there is that best part of my life I am still constantly terrified I'll fuck up somehow, in fact I was convinced I had in those 2 days, the camera club thing and that night at Sound Circus, I felt like I'd really messed up. I keep thinking I mess up all the time over stupid little things, maybe I'm just that scared of losing something so good and precious to me, but I can't even bring myself to tell him how I really feel because of the fear of rejection and humiliation recently instilled into me by certain events. I know it's completely illogical to be like that but since when have emotions had any kind of logic to them?

Anyway, there is one more thing to mention before I go. Staring right in the face of death, that ever persistant loss strikes once more. I came home the other morning to find Dad pulling at the arm of the sofa the way he does when he's stressed about something, and soon after he told me Carrie, one of our cats, had been run over by a car some time in the late night or early morning. He'd had the knock on the door in the morning and had just finished burying her in the corner of the garden not long before I came in. He'd had her for about 12 or more years, and was very close to her. I was too of course though probably not as much as he was. We got a little upset together and I made us both a cup of tea. He later went out sailing, sometimes you just have to carry on as usual. The cat, Carrie, we'd had from a kitten with her brother Barry. The 2 of them always used to sleep together, curled up paws wrapped around each other all snuggled up. They were incredibly close. The other cat, Zoe, wasn't as bothered because we'd got her later (and her brother Jerry who had to be rehomed a few years ago because he was too antisocial with the other cats) . But then, when we first moved here, when she came out of the box Zoe was a bit scared, and mewed a bit. When she went to Carrie, she washed her head in a very motherly way which nobody very expected from those 2. Zoe pined a bit that morning, sitting by the window mewing. Barry spent the whole day laying next to me on the bed, and for once not being a complete nuisance clawing at the keyboard or sitting on things I was using. You can say animals are stupid but you're wrong, they're far too intelligent, they just want you to keep thinking they don't know anything so they can bend you to what they want. When I went to Dan's that night, his cat Tigger mewed at his door at night and spent the entire night asleep on my chest. She kept waking me up by kissing and rubbing around my face then settling down again but I think it was her way of letting me know she was still there. Dan tried to put his arm around me while half asleep too but Tigger bit it as if to say "no, not tonight, that's where I'm laying". She was with us all last night too, which was the second night since it happened. Now I'm at home and it feels that bit emptier, haven't seen Barry all day but I'm in tonight so hopefully will cuddle him more then. He'll be lonely as he realises she's gone.

So where are we today? I'm sat here wondering when I should get up and get lunch, Dan's coming here tonight to stay because he has tomorrow off and finishes early enough today to get the bus here. I'm probably going to just play Fallout 3 for a while, tidy up a bit and wait for him to arrive. Dad's home because he was ill yesterday, though he seems to be feeling a bit better as he just swapped over the broken dishwasher for the on in the garage and is presumably fixing it up now before doing some other job around the house. I guess I should just carry on as usual, wasting my life with no other option but to sit here and try to stay entertained.

~~~~~~~ Thoughts of the weeks... ~~~~~~~

With the persistance of loss forcing me to stare in the face of death, I begin to see the frailty of my own life and the futility of perservering weighs heavily on my mind with only one who can help ease the burden with something as simple as a smile. But then, sometimes, my worst enemy is the return of my memories. If only I could forget all that came before, all that shaped me into this disfigured fool staring into a carnival mirror trying to make sense of the world.

BrainVomit - The End of an Era and The Persistance of Loss

2009-09-04T01:19:00.003+01:00

I had an odd sense in my dream last night, despite disturbed sleep, like a thought or feeling that the form I requested would never arrive. See, last week I went twice to this place to ask for an application form but they didn't have one either time so I left my details for them to send one on. I was losing hope of it arriving but for once an employer actually responded and I got the form in the post this morning. I spent most of the day filling it out, and drafting and redrafting answers to some more complex questions (like "what have you done to develop yourself personally in the last 12 months") while I waited for time to pass to find out the night's plan.

Sometime about 2pm Dan called and said we would probably go to the pub tonight because Josh had told him he was going. I thought, great, I'll finish the app, shower, then be on my way to meet him for 6ish. Unfortunately, he called later to say Josh wasn't going now and it seemed like nobody else who we'd really want to see would be there either. We talked for over half an hour though, about nothing in particular, but when we finally hung up I felt happy. We agreed it'd probably be better if I just go over tomorrow instead and we'd have more of a weekend of fun instead. I'm still a bit groggy ill so it was probably good I didn't go driving to Blandford when the weather was still unsettled.

Anyway, a bit more time went by and mum rang. I thought at first it was a bit random but we had a little bit of a catch up, which we haven't in a while. Unfortunately she had some bad news about my beloved cat who now lives with her. I know I sound crazy and I know it's just an animal but I chose my cat from the litter when I was 4 years old. It was a litter from a rescued cat, a bad tempered tabby, and most of the kittens were black and white with a couple of gingers and they were all running around playing. But not this one. She was tortoiseshell (see picture below) and she was sat in the back corner. She looked at me, I looked at her and she wandered over. That was it, she was the one. We took her home and I grew up with her.

Aged about 12, this is a very old photo. Her eyes don't usually glow and the bow isn't a common feature either!

I named her after a book I had, as I was still very young of course, because it was a cute story and the cat in there looked just like her. Tosca. She took to the name well and got on with the other cat at the time just fine. We played, and when she was a kitten we somehow figured this little game where she'd run away a little, turn around, then charge at me and headbutt me in the nose full speed then rub around my face like a cat "kiss" as catlovers call it. Glasgow kiss from a cat. Who'd've thought!

As she got older she kept the same habits, developing new ones too like jumping to kiss my had if I clicked my fingers above her, or jumping from floor height over the top of my cabin bed (like a bunk bed but with wardrobe etc underneath instead of a second bed) and she'd always somehow land on my stomach or bladder, pinpoint, all four paws! Sod! Still, we grew closer. Any time I was ill she'd spend the whole day asleep with me, curled up and purring or rubbing around me when I kept coughing and sneezing. She seemed to know when I felt bad too and came to me and somehow made me feel a little better.

One day, in her youth, she was hit by a car after following a neighbour's cat's trick of sitting in the middle of the road until they stopped. Only, this one didn't. We thought we were going to lose her, her insides were damaged and she couldn't move her back legs. In one last try she came home with us from the vets, and because she couldn't drink I had to constantly dip my finger in water and let her lick the drip off. Slowly but surely, she got better. I was so happy when she started walking properly again and soon enough she was as fit as ever!

Unfortunately though those injuries are back to haunt her. She's been drinking an unusual amount more water for a while and has suddenly started having even more than that. This is normally a sign of kidneys failing. She's also losing the use of her back legs. Mum noticed her wobble the other day but thought it may be because she'd just got up and was sleepy, but it doesn't seem that way now. She also peed in the dog's bed in the house because she obviously couldn't get out in time. She's a happy cat, but she wouldn't be if she stayed like this.

Tomorrow I go to say my final farewell. She has had a great 18 and a half years of life and her body just can't take it any more. I have been expecting this a while but when I got the news I was still inconsolably upset for a while. I pulled myself together though, and after an evening of playing cards with my dad and cousin Craig who's visiting this week I felt a bit better. After we'd finished annihilating Craig at endless rounds of Shithead, we all talked about a few cats we've had passed and about Tosca.

I'm going to miss her so much, and will probably get incredibly upset again tomorrow, but thankfully I have a supportive family, a lot of amazing memories, and a boyfriend who completely understands and will be there to comfort me when I get back to his after it's all over. I'm going to drive to Blandford and leave my bike at his place, then mum's picking me up at 2pm so I can spend the last few hours with Tosca before it's time. I'll go with her, like I went with my old cat Gilby when it was his time (he had internal injuries after being shot with an air rifle by my bastard neighbour, but he was very old too when that happened, already completely blind).... I remember stroking him as they gave the injection and he just shuddered a little and laid down. It feels like a betrayal but I know if we let her go on she will only suffer, she's too old and too far gone for any hope of treatment now.

She's had a good, long happy life, I just don't know how to go on with mine without her. I don't remember her not being there, life before her is before my memory began. Sadly enough I'm closer to her than some of my own family. She's the friend that could comfort me without saying a word, the companion who'd listen to me no matter what I could say, the one who always somehow understood and accepted me even when I felt all alone in the world. We grew up together, I knew we could never grow old together but still, I wish she could live forever.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

It's an old oriental proverb that once taught me, "the beauty of a flower is in its nature to die", but still we cannot help but mourn the falling of the petal, the wilting of the perfect bloom.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Catching Up, Illness and Finding the Opportune Moment

2009-09-02T16:02:00.000+01:00

Well I guess I have a lot to catch up on now, it has been over a week since I last wrote and there's plenty of ground to cover! It's going to be more difficult now to remember how things played out but I'll do my best, I should have updated sooner but last week was Dan's week off work so we spent the whole week together. I wasn't expecting it, I thought you know he might want a day to himself or something but no, in the end we spent all the time together and still not a bad word between us. I actually think he's perfect now, we've not even disagreed majorly on anything and we just work so well.... *sigh* why did I not meet him sooner? I guess things this good are more than worth the wait. Anyway, on with the tales...

~~~~~~~ Saturday 22nd August - Ladies Days and How to Scene It Up ~~~~~~~

The girlies came and picked me up as planned and we went in to town to do the neccessary. First stop was Burger King because they were all hungry, I'd had breakfast recently so went for a milkshake instead which is marginally better than more junk food... After some brief silliness we moved on down through town looking for some red shorts Louise wanted and presents for Chrissy T. On the way we stopped and took photos of Bev trying on silly glasses and later hats, which was all good fun!

Bev in BK being silly!

Wombat

Wombat and Bev

Me and Louise

Bev and the Owl

...we couldn't figure out why anyone would seriously wear these...

Big hat!

Little hat!

Lou hat!

Car park antics

We ended up in Primark, which always scares and worries me because I get those "you don't belong here" scowls from everyone in there... Still, we figured it might be a place to pick up some cheap accessories to go Scene. I went for some neon laces, and eventually we ended up in the lingerie section picking thongs for Chris. It's not always easy shopping for other people but then he's a rather camp gentleman at times so I found the perfect gift - a grey and white stripey thong with pink writing on the front that said "If you can read this you're a lucky guy". We figured he'd find it amusing at least, and it later turned out to be some funny timing! Louise found a pair of skinny pink leopard jeans for him too and eventually we paid up and moved on. Before we left though I had a call from Dan who'd been having a shit and busy day at work. I wanted to give him a hug there and then but sadly we were far too far away for that so I settled for just talking to him for a few minutes. Bless. He sounded happy he didn't have much of his shift left anyway and was finally getting a proper lunchbreak when he rang.

Anyhow, after we'd done in the bottom of town, we split up briefly so I could get the comics from the top of town for Dan. After getting them I popped in to the fancy dress shop next door to look for spray in hair colour that Lou and I had been looking for and not only found the perfect stuff for us but also another little gift. Everyone likes humourously iced and decorated marshmallow penises on sticks, right?! Shame I didn't take a photo of it first thinking about it, would've been a good one to pop on here!

We hadn't yet found shorts for Lou, so we decided to head for Boscombe (just past Bournemouth) in the hopes there'd be something at the alternative indoor market we'd heard of. It turned out when we eventually found it there was nothing there suitable and after a rush around the last places we could think of while running out of time I remembered a pair of red skinny jeans I'd put in the garage "for sale" pile that might just be her size. As they were due to drop me back home anyway I ran in and fetched them before they left. Turns out they were just perfect, if only I'd remembered them sooner!!

The evening came around fairly quickly from then on. I had a bath and helped clean up with dad ready for his guests to arrive for the housewarming. I sent Dan a couple of messages asking him to let me know when they were on their way from Blandford so I could be ready. Well I was almost done washing up when my phone started ringing. I quickly throw off the gloves and dry my hands to answer and it turns out they're at the sodding door! I mock berated him a little bit for now giving me much warning and let them in. I finished washing up and got changed into my gear for going out. The others were pretty much ready but we wanted to do our scene kid hair and makeup. I put my hair back and went to the bathroom to spray the colour in to it, which I did in stripes and t showed up rather well. After I'd don mine, I had plenty left and ended up doing stripes for Emski and Dan and the tips of Zac's hair too. We all looked fairly cool, and used up all of one can but it was well worth it for 4 hairdo's!

Dan did his eyeliner, as he used to a few years ago when he was more "goth" like I used to be, and then he did mine for me too - first time I've ever let a guy do my makeup but he did a fairly good job! The others were sat talking to my dad and some of the guests as they arrived, and eventually we were all ready to leave. When we got to the club we parked next to Louise and we were all going to go in together, but unfortunately Louise managed to lock her keys in the car, in the ignition! Woops! We stayed to try and help, and there was a big queue to get in so we didn't rush over, but time was closing in so I tried to press the matter that we wanted to go over, get our free entry and hand stamp to get back in then come back out to sort the issue. Unfortunately when we got there the bloody woman in the window insisted it was 1minute past the deadline for free entry so after a short bit of being pissed off we paid and went off grumbling.

A couple of people had stayed with Lou for a minute while she worked out what to do so I went to find Chrissy T and give him the gift (which was wrapped by Dan and from both of us on the label) which was perfect timing because he was with the same gentleman we'd seen him with the last few weeks, they looked happy and both found the presents amusing which was good! I went back outside shortly after to help Louise. Bev was with her and they'd got hold of the insurance people who had called out a rescue company, but had told Lou they could turn up any time before 11pm! Louise was getting worried so she gave her parents a call just in case they'd be able to make the 40minute drive with her spare key to sort the problem. Luckily 5minutes later the rescue guy turned up to sort her out. I left them to sort it as Bev was still there and it wouldn't be long before it was all done and dusted. I had a few drinks and dances with Dan and others, we got our free drink tickets and plenty of photos too.

Dan looking goth/scene

Zac and Emski chilling on the sofa before we left

Birthday boy, scene as always!

Wombat, looking very un-Wombat-like

Zac and Emski chilling at the club

Charlie and I doing the worst fake smiles known to mankind!

Myself and Louise - seperated at birth?!

Chrissy T having fun

Emski and I with our striped hair :D

Left to right - Lucy, BoyLove starring Chrissy T, and Scott with Wombat's arm. Poor Lucy stuck in kissy corner! Good job Dan and I aren't like that eh :)

The night was spent as a usual Sound Circus night, getting pissed, requesting songs, taking shedloads of pictures, having a laugh and dancing/rocking out to good music. There were a couple of blips in the night, in that Emski and Zac had a bit of a thing, and we talked to them seperately, and some idiot puked all over the floor in the ladies making it impossible to stand in the queue for the remaining 2 loos.....ew...doesn't usually happen but it's pretty vile when it does. Also at the end of the night Wombat got quite upset in the car park. Something had been troubling her and the booze had just broken down that last barrier and let it out. She was more drunk than I've seen her and there was nothing we could say to make it better, so myself and her closest friends just hugged her and did the best we could. I left before them but they were only a few minutes behind and I knew she was with people who cared about her and would look after her.

~~~~~~~ Sunday 23rd and Monday 24th - MGO, Go Go Go! ~~~~~~~

We got back to my place and Zac and Emski went to share the upstairs room while Dan and I set down in my room for the night. Come morning Zac and Emski left to go home and Dan stayed with me. We spent the afternoon gaming and having fun together, then later it was time for some MGO with the Minions. I decided to let him play a few games with my character, but the silly sod lost me 2 levels in the process! Still, he enjoyed it and I found it fun tutoring him in the finer arts of MGO combat. I found, however, that it was virtually impossible now for me to play with a certain person without them rubbing me up the wrong way. Ho hum. I let Dan carry on for me instead.

The next day we spent just as relaxed, taking it at our own pace. I bought Dan his own MGO character so he could spend the day in training for another hopeful game in the evening with whichever Minions could make it. I just about broke him away from it for half an hour to have a gourmet lunch made mostly with leftover party food. Worked well enough for my standards!

~~~~~~~ The Week from There - Holiday Relaxation ~~~~~~~

We went back to Dan's sometime Tuesday and spent the afternoon and evening relaxing. If I remember rightly this was the day we bumped in to Dan's mate Will and he came back with us for a while to chill out. Dan got a bit ill that night but thankfully it passed by morning. Really odd, he had fever, coughing, headache, the works, but by the morn he woke up almost perfectly fine again. Maybe I'll explain that a little in my other blog ;)

Wednesday we went to Weymouth with Lay and a group of others to see Inglorious Basterds. It was a damn good film if a little long and oddly put together. More focus could've been given to the Basterds really but I guess despite being the films title they were really just the setup for something bigger. I shan't go in to any more detail than that for those that haven't seen it, but it was certainly Tarantino's work. And a hundred times better than Death Proof. But then, anything is better than Death Proof. We actually fast forwarded big sections of that film and missed out on nothing.

Anywho, Wednesday night we decided to head out pubwards seeing as it was a nice evening and midweek tends to be good for people being there, but despite arriving at just gone 9pm we were the only ones there! Chrispy turned up 10mins later, followed by some of the girls, but they didn't stay long as nobody was feeling too perky so we ended up wandering with Chrispy back to his to pick up an extra controller and headed back home with him for a few hours of gaming on Dan's 360. We went for all time fave CoD4, where I gave the boys a damn good beating. Chrispy did beat me on one or 2 matches but overall I came out top. Our last match was a knife only battle on Shipment. It was hilarious, the tiny map kept it quick and brutal, though we kept going in and out of the fabled "zone" so scores were even right to the end! It was a 150 point game, and I won with Chrispy just one kill behind me and Dan one kill behind him. tense, but hilarious all the way. We bid farewell at 12:30pm and got some rest before the next day.

We got up in fairly good time and bought explorer tickets for the bus, this meant we could get on any bus for the day so we could go on to Bournemouth cheaper after we'd been in Poole and done what we wanted there. So off we went, and before long in Poole we were sat on a bench with some ice cold drinks in the sunshine when lo and behold Will's standing in front of us! I noticed him first, grinned and nudged Dan telling him to "look up and slightly to the right" at which point he was happy to see his good friend again. We agreed to spend more of the day together again, and set off to a couple more places in Poole before going on to Bournemouth. We didn't do as much as I might have liked in Bournemouth but the guitar hero machine was switched off in Game, so we headed back a little earlier instead so I could pop to my house for a shower and change of clothes.

While we were out though Dan bought me some awesome gifts. He got me a new poster for my door, a Star Wars X-wing t-shirt, a Darth Vader backpack and another tshirt with a green grenade on the front! It's supposed to be CoD but the logo on the back is tiny...bit of a shame but I love it anyway! We got to mine with an hour to spare, so I leapt for the shower and got changed, picking up some clean clothes on route for the next day. We got back in time for the last bus home with a few minutes to spare. We hadn't had lunch though so I popped in to the fish and chip shop while Dan went to buy cigarettes in the shop next door and got us chops to share with onion rings and a couple of pineapple fritters. Tasty! Stashed in the top of a carrier bag, they were munched between us on the way home.

If I remember rightly Will left earlier so we chilled for a while before Zac turned up to take us up to the pub. For a nice change James (not to be confused with Jamesy, damn these same named people!) was there, he hasn't been around for a while but we always enjoy talking to him, usually about games and music but it's all good fun. We ended up having a doubles game of Poole, me and Dan vs Zac and James. Dan and I lost terribly but it was still good fun.

Unfortunately during this time Emily decided to take the piss. I don't know what her problem is but she's forever picking on Dan and that in itself has been winding me up immensely to the point where next time she does it I'm tempted to turn it back in her face. This time though, and I've done absolutely nothing to ever be mean to her or said anything against her, and in fact earlier that evening was joining in with the guys when someone was harassing her by phone saying I'd help kick their ass if they tried anything, but anyway back to the point....I've never had anything against her, apart from the fact she likes to annoy my boyfriend but we largely ignore that, but she turns around to me out of the blue and says something about the dark pink of my star wars shirt (the logo was white and pink on a black tshirt) clashing with my red skirt. I'm sorry lady but when the hell did I care about fashion, least of all what you have to say about it?! When we'd finished the game I went back outside, and sure enough the guys came out with me. Dan, James and Chrispy all had a complete "what the fuck" reaction at it, and told me she was out of order. I don't care, I honestly don't, I just would like to know why suddenly she feels the need to have a problem with me.

I get the feeling that it may well not just be the guys being a little fed up with her attitude, but I'm leaving alone unless she says anything to Dan or I again. If she does I'll let myself get angry and tear her down. She thinks she's untouchable because it's some kind of unwritten insensitive taboo to have a go at someone who is that overweight, but I'm sorry if she has that much of a problem that I'm happy with who I am and how I am that she feels the need to try and bring me down she can go fuck herself. Dan has also since told me, as when he moves departments at work and she will be his supervisor, that she has threatened to give him disciplinaries and says she has the power to fire him. She has some issues right there with control and abuse of power, she doesn't have anything on him to fire him and if she tries to bullshit a disciplinary against him I'll come down on her like a ton of bricks. I've already suggested to him that he speaks to management quietly and say she has made this threat outside of work and he's not sure how serious she was or if she's just joking, then at least they are aware that she may single him out for no good reason and to perhaps give him more of the benefit of the doubt, or better turn the disciplinary on her instead. I shouldn't get so frustrated about it, I know, but I don't understand people who feel the need to make other people unhappy, and I can see Dan stressing about it because he desperately wants to move department but will hate working under her thumb. She works out the shift rotas too. I'm not having her give him shitty shifts so we can't see each other either. Any hint of unfairness and I'll take her on myself. But enough of that.

We left earlier than we might usually that night because of Emily and being a little fed up, we weren't getting in to the mood as much as we could have so home it was with the plan of seeing Marcus in Yeovil the next day.

Unfortunately, though we were up fairly early we didn't bank on how early the bus left to Yeovil, there was one just before 10am from town centre and that was it until 2pm by which time it'd be too late. Slightly disappointed we decided not to waste a nice day and instead went through town, going in to a couple of shops and spending a good long time in the book shop as always. I looked for some more info on psychology but decided instead it would be best to go for modern study guides than another book from the 60's or earlier where treatment was more experimental and less understood.

The afternoon we spent having pizza and garlic bread which we bought from Tesco over the road and watching a bit of tv before some more gaming. We toyed with the idea of going to Poole that evening as we had plans for Saturday but preferred the plan of going to the pub. Seeing as it was a Friday night there'd be more likely to be more people around who we wanted to spend time around, and despite those we were not so keen on, they could be avoided easily enough.

The pub was good, we had a few drinks and saw Josh and his mate Tarry there on a pub crawl. As it was their first stop we convinced them to stay with us there longer seeing as there's not many pubs worth going to in Blannie. Most of the night there was spent outside, James, Chrispy, Dan, Matt (who I don't really know), Josh, Tarry and myself all having a good laugh and a great deal of crude jokes and the like. The girls stayed inside mostly, April was offended by the slightly insensitive but mostly hilarious jokes like the following - "what's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage." Ok so it's clearly insensitive but blatantly funny all the same! I don't agree with people keeping dead babies in their garages but come on, it's called a sense of humour lady you should try it some day. She also got a bit funny with me ever since the other week. It's a hobby of mine to jokingly hit on my straight women friends, but I also like to hug everyone, and since I jokingly hit on April using terrible chatup lines she has been really funny about getting anywhere near me. Silly homophobe really, I'm harmless, I have a boyfriend and I'm not a rapist so....you know...wtf lady?! Ho hum. Still had great fun with the guys anyway.

Coming closer to closing time, rather than going home we decided to go with Josh, Tarry Matt and Chrispy to The Railway which stays open all night on a Friday. They don't let anyone in after a certain time but they don't kick you out if you stay in. Unfortunately as the others ran on ahead I couldn't keep up, my knee had been playing up badly that night and we needed to stop at Dan's sister's and let the cat in anyway. We sat down a short while as we decided what to do, and it wasn't long after all that we went down to The Railway to catch up with the others.

Inside, I spent a lot of time talking to a rather drunk Josh. He told me something somebody had said to him, that made me quite angry. I have since confronted this person but have now blocked all forms of contact, even setting their email address as junk. I just don't want to hear it. They are dead to me now. I made every effort once to apologise, even for things that I hadn't done wrong, but not one apology was even acknowledged let alone accepted. I even offered them a short message of goodwill and get well soon once and yet again was ignored. I tried to make repairs from my own side by accepting that I'd never get an apology from the times they had wronged me, but this one last straw, the final betrayal has left me with no interest in knowing them at all. This person is so dead to me I'm not even going to mention their name, their grave in my mind shall remain an unmarked headstone.

On the other side though I talked to Josh an awful lot, some of it about my ex, and he got riled up at remembering how things were and he gave me a few big drunken rib-crushing cuddles and a kiss on the cheek going on about how happy he was I've finally got someone who isn't going to be an ass to me and who makes me happy. He does like to keep saying how it made no sense til he saw us together, bless him he's a good friend to have, it's nice to know there's a few people out there looking out for me.

The other person I spent a good deal of time talking to was Chrispy. I trust him, and count him as a good friend who I would like to know better and hang out more with because , well I just think we get on well. He reminds me sometimes of how I used to be and think at his age. Bless youth, ahh to be 18 again... We talked a good hour or so outside I think, I wasn't keeping track of time. I don't mind being a person to listen, it's nice to be trusted enough to be talked to and I will always try and be there when anyone needs to vent. Anyhow, when we went back in we discovered a very drunk Dan arguing with some more old friends he'd met up with about Gary Barlow. Far from questioning I just laughed, argued a little bit against the theory every girl likes him and shortly after watched Dan wander off to be a little bit sick, bless. He said later he has a 3 pint limit normally but had at least doubled that. Oh dear. He called us a taxi and when it turned up the landlord gave us a nod and unlocked the door so we could leave. Bless.

It was gone 3am and it was hilarious trying to get him inside! He kept doing the typical thing of loudly going "SHHHHHHH!!" and took his trainers off then put them outside saying something about he hoped the rain would wash them off in the night because there was a bit of sick on there. I called him "honey" at one point, while rying to coax him towards bed, but hilariously he turned around and said "I'm not honey, I don't have any bees!" - I cracked up at that one! It took a fair bit to get him upstairs, he insisted on sitting on the sofa then laying down asking for my shirt to keep him warm. I gave it to him after he got up on the condition we'd go right upstairs, so that he did, all the while going "SHHHHHHHH!" which was doubly difficult knowing his young neices were upstairs asleep! I got him in to bed, at which point he declared "LOOK! I found MY shirt you can have yours back now." I think he must've undressed overnight, he certainly didn't then because we went to sleep fairly quickly, drunken tiredness ftl!

~~~~~~~ Saturday 29th August - Sailing Seven Seas and Clubbing Fail~~~~~~~

I was awake early Saturday morning ready to go sailing with Dan and Dad in Poole, but hungover Dan was harder to wake then usual. Woops! Eventually got him up and breakfasted, then we hopped on the bus to Poole. He stopped to collect his preorder of the new Batman game and we got a lift back to my house to get ready. We were hungry already after a long and delayed bus journey so we had a quick sandwich before squeezing into our wetsuits to go. It was fun seeing Dan put one on for the first time, they can be a very snug fit and difficult to get right when you're not used to them. I still have the one I had in my late teens which still fits perfectly (if a teeny bit tighter around the middle) and was ready in no time.

We left together with all our gear on, so we left towels and spares in the car and went straight to rig up the boat. Dad worked on the sails while I got Dan kitted up in lifejacket and a harness for using the trapeze later. We took a few photos of him getting ready with Dad's new waterproof camera, which worked perfectly later too for getting action shots on the water!

Dan having a pre-sail smoke

Trying on the lifejacket, safety first!

Sexy!

It was fairly choppy, despite the glorious sunshine, so I was out on the trapeze at first. It was like being on a trampoline, the wind was strong and propelling us at a tremendous speed but this does mean there are plenty of waves. They're not very big at all but get a boat skimming through them that fast and it'll bounce along. Fun times, though not what we'd've normally gone out for a friendly sailabout in with an inexperienced crewmember. Still, after a little while we came in close to the shore of Brownsea Island and pulled sails in on the wrong side so we could stop. The boys had a smoke and I went overboard for a quick swim, which given the sunshine was rather refreshing.

Dan, before the ciggy got wet and wasted the last bit....giggles!

Soon after it was time for Dan to try the trapeze. I took loads of photos hoping some would come out ok because water kept getting on the lens. Funny thing is most of the photos make it look fairly calm and it was far from it! Dan unfortunaely lost his footing the first time he got right up and slipped into the side of the boat. He sat back down after that and let me take over, he wasn't keen on trying again in those conditions, I admit I fell then as well when we hit a big wave. It's perfectly safe because the harness holds you but I've had some massive bruises from hitting the side of the boat before.

Dad at the back, steering and holding the mains'l

Dan hooking on to the harness

Leaning back slowly...

Learning the ropes...

Easing out back further....

Almost.....

Wahey! He's out!

..and back in. "How was it?" ...."Wet!"

When you hit a wave, it hits you. In the face mostly.

Awesome action shot!

How it's done!

It gets wet and strong out there...

....and when you slip, you slip. Bang, ouch!

Of course, when you get it right you can look cool in an action shot when you tighten the sail in.

It's cold and wet when you get in though, brr!

Dad covering the boat. I just realised I didn't get a shot of it with sails up in action, woops!

We went back in after a good afternoon sailing which everyone enjoyed and after hosing down the boat (and them hosing me down while I held it steady too, sods) we went in for a shower. I swear there's no shower quite as satisfying as after a sail, strong jets and nice and warm, gets the blood back to the extremities and warms me up lovely. We met outside the club after and went back home for dinner soon after, we had worked up an appetite and Dan and I were planning on going out with Zac and James to the club for Cocktail of the Month night.

We chilled and had dinner until Zac and James arrived to go on to the club. We went in when we got there to find it was fairly empty which was a little disappointing. Still, we found our friends and greeted them, I carried a drunken Wombat around for a little while until she found Scott who then ignored her, so we went and danced instead. The music was really hit and miss that night, and we weren't feeling the vibe that much. I hit up on a couple of the cheaper cocktails that were vying for the cocktail of the month prize, but wasn't in too much of a heavy drinking mood. Zac left after a couple hours to go for a walk, and about 1230 Chrispy and James found him asleep in his car in the carpark. He was just too tired for it bless him and wasn't feeling the vibe either. Dan, James and I agreed we'd be happy to call it a night there and went on our way.

Rather than going straight home, our drunken hunger lead us as usual to Maccy D's all night Drive Thru. Dan opted for mozzerella dippers while I went for a cheap double cheeseburger. The others went for big meals and we drove around the car park to munch and talk. We had a good laugh again, the 4 of us, and then went back for more as Zac was still hungry. I had a Mcflurry, too tempting not to, and Dan had been craving burger after a bite of mine so went for one of those to fill up on.

We went home and Zac and Dan made plans to go out on the Sunday. I wasn't too bothered as it was Wimborne market and I'm skint, so suggested they go together and have a boys day out like they've been talking about for a while. I was due to have family arriving anyway so it worked out fine.

~~~~~~~ Sunday Lazy Sunday ~~~~~~~

I spent Sunday morning talking to my Aunt and Cousin who'd arrived, Dan did too until Zac came to collect him. We parted with hugs and kisses, and my family indicated approval when he'd gone on. My aunt was off to Devon so left after lunch, and Dad took my little sister who'd been dropped off out to the chinese circus in Bournemouth. Craig, my cousin, chilled with tv in the afternoon while I did some gaming. Later I invited him to join me for some games or Worms, which was fairly good fun. We won a game each but the 3rd I beat him perfectly! Dad was home by then and food was made, so we quit there and ate.

Later there was a bit of MGO going on so I joined, it was only 6 of us, core Minions. One of whom I had no interest in playing with but I'm not going to sacrifice my potential enjoyment. Unfortunately, though, I found myself just getting too stressed about things and not enjoying it so I left early. I spent the evening feeling a bit out of sorts and missing Dan more than a little. I'd spoken to him about the things on my mind previously and he had the strange way of not overlooking the issue but somehow helping me to accept it and look at the positives, that and he told me he'd just hug and kiss me until it was better anyway.

On that note there's things on my mind about that too. Not in a bad way though, no. Just trying to find the opportune moment to tell him something I've realised. It's been almost 2 months now, and it's awkward people mentioning a certain word because I don't think either of us use it lightly. But now I know it is indeed that, but people keep saying it before I find the perfect moment. It's not something you ever forget, the first time you say it to someone, and of course you have to mean it which is why I never say it prematurely. I want to be somewhere beautiful and alone with him, somewhere meaningful. If I could I'd get us back on the cliffs over Durdle Door where we first *almost* kissed and wait for the timing to be just right....but it's not that simple. *sigh*. I'm also almost scared it won't be mutual but then all the time we've spent together and the way we are does make me more hopeful it's reciprocated. I guess I'll wait, it can't hurt to let the feeling grow even stronger before I show him my true colours. The longer I wait the less afraid I'll be. I mean, I don't think I'm scared of falling any more. It's not gravity pulling me down, but a new wind beneath my wings making my heart fly. Anyway enough of that quasi-romantic bullcrap. On with the last leg.

~~~~~~~ Monday - Ill again ~~~~~~~

First cold of the season I think. I was drained on Sunday night and felt like crap when I woke up Monday. I spent the day relaxing hoping it would pass, and went on to Dan's for 6pm. I got there to find him snoozing as usual, which made me giggle, but soon enough he was setting up the film while I popped to the garage shop for snacks. He's in a Batman mood after the game's release so we watched Batman Begins and the Dark Knight anime collection that bridges the gap between that and The Dark Knight which we watched a few weeks ago. After that, I played a couple of the challenges he'd unlocked on the game to beat his score and then he played some singleplayer while I fell asleep from ill exhaustion. I felt a little guilty but I also felt like crap and the pills weren't helping much so I cuddled up next to him and felt a little better for doing so. It was 3am by the time the silly bugger got in to bed. Silly boy! Bless. He's addicted to Batman, I'll forgive him for now.

~~~~~~~ Tuesday - Marcus and Yeovil ~~~~~~~

Tuesday we made sure we were up early enough to get the one morning bus to Yeovil to see Marcus. It's been a while since we've seen him, it's a long way to go though, the bus was nearly and hour and a half! I felt ill but stayed awake because some guy kept giving me weird looks and it was making me edgy, Dan however was still shattered and was soon asleep on my shoulder. Cute.

We arrived about 1130am and wandered up through town to find Marcus. A short wander around GameStation later we were heading back down the high street to Chips, a little game shop that's the last mecca for ancient consoles and trade-ins. They still have a small selection of preowned PS1 games, and even had a Mega Drive 1 for sale and a good collection of N64 games too.

I've always found the staff in there to be great. Dan got a Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 poster from the wall after chatting to one of the guys working there about comics, and we ended up all standing chatting about Deadpool and the Disney buyout of Marvel for a while. We searched around for a couple of old classics we've been after a while but unfortunately no luck, shame as they often seem to have the ones we're missing. Still, after a long while chatting to them about games and comics, and trying to convince them to give me a Modern Warfare 2 poster (they said they don't have any left but to come back nearer release) we moved on. We went to a couple of other places and wandered down to the cinema hoping to see Funny People. Unfortunately, the next showing finished at the time our bus was meant to leave so we had no choice but to leave it, shame because that's the best cinema I've ever been to. We went next door to the bowling alley arcades where my ill-slowed-down reactions failed me at Time Crisis 3, but that didn't seem to stop me winning (and brutally so) a game of Air Hockey of the guys vs me. Bless, they tried but I shot them down so fast it was almost painful.

After that it was nearing the bus home. There was another, 3hours later, but it was on and off raining and we weren't too sure about what we could do for that long. We'd already been successful in HMV where I'd bought Dan a tshirt and myself a couple of great foreign films dirt cheap (Nightwatch for £3 and Pan's Labyrinth for £5) so we decided to catch the early instead. On the way we popped in to a shop we'd seen on the way through selling posters and suchlike. Dan found a few brilliant ones for himself and bought me an awesome Star Wars one and a mug with Star Wars AND Thundercats on - so much win in one mug!

After that last brief expenditure we were back on the bus after a farewell to Marcus. We hadn't been there long as it was only 2pm and thought over the decision but in the end decided it was the right thing. Anything we would have done form there would've cost more money, and as Marcus is as skint as me it wouldn't be fair to sit and eat lunch somewhere for example while he had nothing.

We got back to Blandford around 3.30pm and had a little wander in town before stopping at a coffee shop for lunch. Dan had a toastie and I went for quiche with salad, and we enjoyed just relaxing in the afternoon with that before wandering home. We played a couple of games together then he went on to the PC to check out the details of the Disney/Marvel buyout and feeling rubbish still I fell asleep on his bed.

Zac rang a little later to suggest going to the cinema in Poole. I admit when it was suggested I really didn't feel like it but by the time he turned up and we were on the road I felt a little better about it. We listened to some Nine Inch Nails on the way which was good, heard a few songs I've not listened to in a while and Dan enjoyed singing along to his favourite band. Bless his little cotton socks! We got there in good time and Dan bought my ticket as well as a drink each. He offered me food but I felt too rubbish to face eating, so he just got nachos instead. The cheese dip never looks that appetising in those...yikes.

So we did see Funny People after all. We were expecting it to be a funnier film though, it turned out to be a lot less of a comedy than we thought it would be. It did make us laugh, quite hard in places, but there was a lot of seriousness in there too. All in all it was good but damn was it long for what it was! We came out around midnight, Dan and I doing our usual weird-credit-spotting though Zac went straight out so we didn't have time to see if "man with bread in supermarket" got the credit he deserved for that superb role. We caught up with him no problem though and decided we were hungry but couldn't be bothered to do McD this time. Instead we went to the petrol station we'd been to a few times on our DHIBBS adventures and got some lovely cheese and ham croissants freshly toasted in their machine. Nice!

We sat in the car to eat them before going but ended up staying and talking for ages. Zac has been worried about Emski so Dan and I talked to him about it and how he should probably play it a little bit cooler and more relaxed, he's getting a bit too concerned about not getting texts. They're not together, but Zac is more interested in her and to a deeper level than I've ever seen him interested in anyone, and I think he's worried about losing the chance there. Dan and I talked to him for a while and hopefully he should relax a bit. It's not so easy though because as Zac said himself he sees Dan and I so happy together and really wants that kind of thing himself. The thing it's hard to convince him is you just have to let these things happen at their own pace. We've never been overly concerned if the other hasn't text back, or if we don't see each other for a day or 2, but that's not to say we don't care, we're just not over stressing about the little things. I guess it's the trust, I trust him to spend time with any of his female friends on his own if he wants though I'd be a tiny bit disappointed if not invited and vice versa. For once it seems easier to sort out my own relationship than other peoples'! Never thought I'd say that one :) but then there's nothing to sort out with Dan, it's all just right.

~~~~~~~

So anyway, now it's Wednesday and I've spent all day in bed feeling ill and writing to catch up. I might see Dan tomorrow, maybe just Friday now. He has to work Sunday but has Saturday off and mentioned maybe going to the Great Dorset Steam Fair (which is based in Blandford) that day, and I don't think I've been so it could be interesting, providing I get over this damn virus of course!

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Week ~~~~~~~

Some things are too broken, they are best buried. Do not weep for the past, it's past for a reason and the future can only be brighter when you leave the darkness behind.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Planning, or the Lack Thereof

2009-08-22T10:03:00.002+01:00

Brief brainvomit rant about a couple of things. Firstly, living in a batchelor pad style is perfect except when I'm the only one doing any washing up! It's insane, I was away Tuesday and Wednesday, come back Thursday and there's a whole new pile to do including a pan which was used on Monday! There wasn't room for it to dry when I did the washing up before I left and it's still there now :| Guess I'll have to do it now though with the pile of mugs etc, dad's got a housewarming tonight and people are supposedly staying here after the club too.

I say supposedly, someone was *supposed* to find out and tell me last night what the plan is, so, you know, I know how I'm actually getting to the club tonight and if anyone's taking up space for staying over afterwards. Ho hum. I'm not too annoyed by it, I can't wait to see the silly devil to be honest but it'd be nice to know in advance. Just have to poke him again with a text and see what's up later.

On the plus side, Louise and Wombat are coming up to town today and are picking me up from my place, which is perfect, I can go pick up the comics for Dan (and have a sneaky read before him too of course) and then catch up with the TriForce of Awesome that is the 3 of us when we get together :) Lou sounds happier already and is going to the club tonight with us but this time for the first time as a single lady! Huzzah! Maybe she'll enjoy it a lot more not worrying about someone else, I'm happy for her and how happy she sounds now.

Anywho, off to go and shower. Bought some hair removal cream because I'm pissed off with legs being spikey 5mins after shaving, so I've got a delightful 10 minutes of sitting about cold in the bath waiting for it to work. Hope the bloody stuff doesn't cause a reaction :s might be tying my hair up to go puffy tonight, it's scene kid theme at the club for Chrissy T's birthday. God help us all I'm going to attempt the scene look for free entry and drink. Thinking of those ridiculous half leg tights in purple with red miniskirt and black and white striped top, something reasonably stupid in the hair and the worst makeup job since....well, worse than my normal. Huzzah.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Nothing quite like nougat pillows for breakfast, makes me feel so deliciously like a cliche unemployed loser. Damn shame it's true.

BrainVomit - Nostalgia and Confusion...

2009-08-21T18:41:00.003+01:00

Currently listening to Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Disc 2 (Still) - acoustic and piano, melo with a melancholy vibe. Beautiful songs well worth searching up and definately matching my current mood.

~~~~~~~

So I've been sorting out stuff from the garage to make room. Dan's got an early start tomorrow so we agreed on a night in alone again which is fine by me with all this crap to go through and the possibility of everyone coming here Saturday after clubbing - it could do with some finishing touches to the moving I've been doing recently.

Well I'm not here to mention going through old boxes but more going through memories. I did find a couple boxes worth of Dean's stuff while sorting which have been put to one side. Well among all this has been some nostaligia, both good and bad. Some of it was in a book of poetry written when I was far younger and more foolish than now. For anyone with far too much time and an interest in the shoddy artistry of the written word by a total amateur, the entire works are here. I read through some of it, which brought up some confusing memories and some unhappy ones also. Even the happy memories now are tainted by the obvious denial behind desperate words. Ho hum.

Amongst other things I came across my old signature book from Yr11, more people signed it than I remember. One message in particular stood out, or more one particular line of it. "I hope you achieve everything you set out to do. When I look at you I see a great, lovely, funny, beautiful person just waiting to get out and I know that one day you'll have the confidence to let it out" - this isn't a bit of self-ego-stroking, it hit me hard. This was someone I didn't know too well, but she knew me better than I thought she might. Back in the day I was particularly unhappy, I had no confidence and absolutely no self belief, and now although skeptical of myself and my own worst critic have at least the confidence she knew I had the potential for. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Only almost though.

The other more confusing thing I found was the tail end of an A4 notebook. I don't know how it got there but it contained parts of a letter my mother wrote to her mum. I don't know what to make of it to be honest. I only met the woman a few times and haven't seen or heard from her in over 10years. From the letter it sounds like my grandmother was particularly slanderous about my mother to certain people, including her own sons. I'll give you the passage that really hit me a moment ago. Keep in mind this was written I guess a few years ago by the timing involved.

"My daughter & I have a good relationship I think. She is beautiful and clever, & studying to get to University. So, the wish you made to me by phone when she was born "I hope she treats you how you treated me so you'll know what it is like" - I remember those spiteful words so clearly as thay cut to my heart - has not come true because I have not treated her or spoken to her as you did to me when I was growing up."

There's more than that, and I know my mother didn't exactly have the best relationship with her as she left home the day she finished school and found a job and room to stay in...my family is so very twisted sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to actually be in a happy one. I have an uncle (apparently) who I've never met, a half brother who doesn't care at all if I'm even still alive, another who left home, wasn't heard from in years and then died in circumstances I still don't understand, yet another who I cannot even stand to think of let alone see again for reasons I keep to myself and only one more half brother who means so much to me for just being normal and caring that I want to see him more but he's so far away and we have so little in common it seems almost impossible.

Sometimes it's difficult to hear of other people complaining about their families when it seems so normal from the outside, but it's not about how it is it's about perspective. Sometimes it's much harder for someone who hasn't faced much adversity in their past to overcome things which to others would seem like nothing at all. We mustn't forget that everyone is individual and will invariably experience difficulties in a different way and to a different degree, we're unique in every way as people. Everything that came before shapes us in to who we are and helps us deal with the things around us.

It's impossible to even work out how I feel about all this, my own grandmother likely will never wish to hear from me or see me, I'll never know that side of my family, and the side I have left feel so distant it seems impossible to even visit them now. I guess it's just time to do as I always have, take a deep breath, accept that what is will always be, and concentrate on what's important - we cannot choose our family but we choose our friends. It reminds me of a saying I once had ... "My friends are my family, when my family are not my friends"

~~~~~~~

On a different note, it seems so many people are breaking up these days, for better and for worse. Bev has recently split with her boyfriend of 7 years, and Wombat has reason to believe the gentleman she is very much interested in is with another girl today. I don't know what to make of those really.

The other I in some ways feel guilty for but others happy. I've been worried about Louise for a long time. I've seen her unhappy about her boyfriend too many times and spoken to her occaisionally over many months about it. Today she told me she finally broke up with him and already feels better for it. I've also been speaking with Emski about her current boyfriend in London, Steve. I don't think she's happy either, they hadn't spoken in 3 weeks bar a couple of texts where she's been asking him to text her when he's free for her to call but has had nothing back. I feel like I'm breaking people up now by giving them honest advice, but there's nothing more I can say. If you're not happy with someone you need to talk to them about it, try and change things and make it better for both of you. If you're still spending more and more time unhappy than you are happy with them, and thinking about it stresses you out, you need to work out for yourself if it's worth it. Do the good times really outweigh the bad? It's not enough to stay with someone simply because you've been together for so long or because it's easier than breaking up. It may not be pleasant but when everything else fails, the truth has to be faced. I'm just sad to be the one to point this out to people....

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Our past shapes us and moulds us into what we are, but what we do now will in turn form what we will become.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Night Out, Night In, and In Darkness How Things Change

2009-08-20T10:35:00.002+01:00

It's difficult sometimes to guess how things will go, how things will work out and whether it will be any good or not. I'm finding this when we go out now, just to the pub, but some nights are really fun and enjoyable but others are becoming tedious and questionable as to why we're there. Tuesday was one of those nights, we were wondering if we were going to go at all, and Dan sent out the usual texts to see who was there, when Zac turned up outside to give us a lift unannounced.

When we got to the pub as usual everyone was on one bench, and though there was room for one or maybe two more there wasn't room for all 3 of us to join. Space was made and Zac sat with them, leaving Dan and I to find a seat on the bench at a right angle to the end of the other bench. It felt a little out of place, but soon Jamesy got out a guitar from his car and asked us all to teach him a couple of chords to impress his new girlfriend. It ended up as Zac playing a lot of his tunes, and occaisionally Dan and I would pick up a tune of our own. By the end of the evening Jamesy had learnt a couple of tunes that myself and Dan taught him, simple little riffs that sound pretty and complicated.

All this was well and good but the others weren't so appreciative, often playing their own music on MP3's or phones or making comments or singing "Smelly Cat" over the top. We ended up leaving early, we didn't feel right and it wasn't a particularly interesting night to be there. The bad vibes at times were tangible and it was just not what we were looking for in an evening. I wish it was more predictable, that we'd know which nights were worth going for. Unfortunately it seems some certain people make it less pleasant to be around.

Wednesday was a different matter, we woke up and after (ahem) a nice wakeup, we played some Skate 2 before wandering up to the hospital for Dan's xray in the early afternoon. It was a beautiful sunny day and just felt so much happier and more relaxed than Tuesday eve. A while ago I had no real balance to me, I was all over the place, but the more I spend time with Dan the more I feel able to relax, chill, and take things in my stride.

One uncomfortably odd thing did happen though, Dan needed to tie his shoelace and we stopped at a bench. A bloke was on this bench on the phone and we accidentally overheard possibly the worst conversation for someone to be having in a public place. Heard the word "barrister" mentioned and "but at the time I didn't know she was 15". Serious moment of oh no, walk on as fast as possible. If unsure check for ID - and not just when serving alcohol! *shudder* oh dear...

Anyway, we wandered back through town and bumped into Marcus out of the blue! He actually ran up behind Dan and hugged him, it was really good to see him and he's really happy in his new place in Yeovil. He went back to finish his lunch in the cafe as we mished to the bookshop and record shop. He met us again in the record shop and we walked and talked for a while which was good, I miss him being around and hanging out with us, but it sounds like he's better off somewhere new and he'll be in college before long.

Eventually, we walked home. Marcus walked with us until he met up with the person he'd come in to Blandford to see and went on his way. We got back and went for some more Skate 2 where I proceeded to beat Dan at least 75% of the time, or more like 100% on the Hall of Meat challenges - win! I like beating him at his own games, especially when he's had more practice at them ;)

We went for some Star Wars Battlefront 2 later where we fought on bravely as a team through the Mos Eisley assault level where you play as heroes or villains, then through some of the more traditional campaigns like Jabba's Palace where we unfortunately lost, Dagobah where I led us to a glorious victory, and the Death Star in the time-paradox Clone Wars era where we secured another steady win. Naboo's hunt mode gave us a chance to fight against each other, Dan playing as the hapless Gungans being mown down by my Super Battle Droids. Round 2 however he worked out how to win, by repairing the turrets to take us down. It was a sad loss. It was made up for when we teamed up fighting the Empire with spears and stones on Endor. Woopah, yeeehah!

The night in was finished with film time, The Spirit was the choice today, a fantastic adaptation by Frank Miller (Sin City) of Will Eisner's comic series of the same name. Dan's costume now looks twice as awesome to me and very sexy indeed. Great film though, I highly recommend it to comic fans or just fans of good films, especially if you enjoyed Sin City you'll love this. Full of comedy, incredible visuals, great acting, it all comes together beautifully. After the film it was late and time for sleep, and we woke easily this morning and I drove home leaving him to go and work. No idea what plans are today, but my plan now is to check out the things stored in my garage.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Change happens whether we like it or not, people change whether we like them or not. Shadows still fall even when you shine no light their way, and sometimes you don't have to make a spark, the fire will start itself. Is there a way back? In time can darkness be lifted to reveal new light? It's difficult now to know.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - The Big Trip!

2009-08-18T17:50:00.000+01:00

Well it's now Tuesday afternoon and I'm still aching from the weekend, it was amazing fun! I was skeptical at first given the dropouts and the way organisation slowly fell apart but when it came to it all of that disappeared.

Martyn was the first to arrive. I'd prepared him for the route with a postcode for google and some extra directions, but the first call I had he read out the numberplate of the car in front of where he was parked and a vague approximation of a road name. It took a brief few questions to work out he was in the middle of town centre and had gone wrong on the roundabout. I directed him back and kept watch from the window. A few minutes later and another call, he was literally down the road so I directed him to drive up and turn left just after the sold signs. Well, I watched from the window as he drove right on past and waited for the next call. This time I left nothing to chance so when he about turned to come back I was ready at the gate waving him in to the drive. Bless.

After a big hug greeting we came inside to play a few games while we awaited the arrival of others. Worms was the simplest choice so we fired it up to play a couple of rounds. I won the first 2 round set, but was beaten on the second set. The third set was tense, one round each and on the final round the tension showed all too clearly as Martyn managed to kill off most of his team so I didn't have to. A closely fought win for me, 2 out of 3 games and a happy victory at the end!

After Worms it was time to head to town and start the shopping, so off we went in the car and parked up at the pool where I'd earlier said Holly and Iain should meet us. Wandering in to town slowly, Martyn stopped for a quick snack pickup when his phone rang, Iain had just arrived in town and parked at the appointed place! We walked quickly back where we met Holly for the first time. Thoroughly lovely lady she is too!

Next stop was back to town, I lead everyone through hoping to find a cashpoint, but went past 2 which were broken before eventually arriving at one that worked. Cash in hand we wandered into Game for a while before moving on to Iceland for the supplies. A fair few minutes and some giggles later we walked out with bags full of frozen meat, buns, and booze. A wander further up the road found us biscuits, napkins and plastic cups, lovely job! Unfortunately, nobody had considered the thought of utensils...woops... A brief wander back through town and we were heading on back to the cars to transport the supplies to my house. Bacon was put on for some rolls and more Worms was started when I had word that Emski was arriving at the train station. Bossman volunteered and we went on our merry way to find the good lady in pink and bring her back.

Leaving Martyn in charge of the bacon under the grill when I left turned out to be a bad idea, the bacon was a little, how shall I say, "crispy". Still, we made 4 rolls out of it which were distributed to all with a cuppa. Time was passed chatting and playing more Worms, and watching a few classic and hilarious YouTube vids. Eventually as time went on we decided it was going to be the best plan to go to Tesco for more rolls and energy drink then onwards to catch the ferry. We loaded up the cars with food and the groundsheet and before long we were on the road to success.

Emski went with Bossman and Holly, while Martyn and I lead the way. I knew Dan was on his way with Zac and was in text contact, though in the most epic timing I've ever known we ended up on the very same ferry across to Studland! I got out of the car to go and find them while Martyn and the others went to check out the view from the top as we went over. It's only a short journey across the bay so I stood at the window of Zac's car talking to him and Dan. We did some brief intros of people then got back in to park up for the beach. Zac and Iain were offloaded first so Martyn and I were a minute or so behind when we found them and parked up. Everyone loaded up with what they could carry and we were soon wandering on to the sands.

It was a beautiful evening, despite everyone's fears it would possibly rain or stay cloudy the weather held true to reports and the sky was perfectly clear. The first thing we did was to pick our spot and lay out the big tarpaulin groundsheet and drop our things. Shoes were offed and we did some more formal intros while cracking open the first drinks.

Emski, Zac and Dan on the groundsheet

Holly and I testing the water in a little paddle, we all got our feet wet and it was lovely!

Zac went for an early swim

Like a pro BBQ chef, I cooked the things on skewers first so we could use the sticks to flip the burgers. Pint was definately welcome sitting next to those smokey things!

The second course of munchies, double cheeseburgers, hot sausages and chicken legs that nobody wanted (they were nice)

Unfortunately, Martyn wasn't with us for long as his dear wife is not far off having their firstborn youngster. After some food and some giggles on the sand he headed back on the last ferry out at 11pm. He was missed, but I hope he had fun while he was with us anyway :)

Caption competition moment right there!

Martyn and Iain

Martyn performs magic trick on cheeseburger?...

Dan and Martyn, WAHEY!

Group photo! Everyone, look retarded and say "Charliiiieeeeee!"

With such a clear night, we saw the moon rising over the bay beautifully. It came up from behind the Bournemouth skyline, I'm quite disappointed that my camera couldn't catch the reflection it made on the water it was really quite stunning. We spent a while watching shooting stars too. It seems there had been a meteor shower the night or so before, and we saw the tail end of it as several streaked across the sky throughout the night. Really very beautiful, with that, the bright crescent of moon, and so many stars above us in a sky less polluted by artificial light.

Over the Bournemouth lights the moon rose slowly

As it got higher it got ever brighter, lighting the beach beautifully

Jammy dodger?...

Jammy dodger!

Emski and Zac playing around with a phone. They'd never met before but these 2 got on so well you wouldn't have thought it.

Unfortunately, laying on the sand wasn't as comfy as it should have been even with the groundsheet flattened as much as possible. Dan and I shared a couple of blankets as the others got out sleeping bags to keep warm as night drew in and tempertures started to drop. The uneven ground however resulted in a painful trapped nerve in my lower back and hip, it was agony to move in any direction by even an inch. I took some painkillers but fear I was a bit of a killjoy for a while. Dan brought out different, erm, painkiller to try and help which was shared around by everyone except Iain. I'm no smoker so it wasn't easy but it did ese up a bit as it helped relax the muscles and stop them from the random spasms that were making it worse. Giggles were had all round, as well as biscuits and more drinks. I know some may disapprove but honestly it was only brought out for my back pain as a last ditch attempt to stop it from ruining my night, it just ended up passed in the spirit of sharing.

Eventually, most of us fell asleep for a short while and awoke at dawn to see a beautiful sunrise over the beach. Emski and Zac were soon off into the sea for an early morning (6am!) swim while we watched the sun come up over the bay. After a short while I got out the other BBQ's to get some breakfast on for everyone. Jumbo sausages and more burgers seemed to do the trick perfectly for all and we were soon on our way to change for a swim at 9am!

Sunrise over Studland. One of those times you see it appearing, visibly moving over the horizon.

If you look closely on the left you'll see Emski and Zac on their early morning swim.

The clouds left as soon as they gathered, it was a glorious day and for a while we almost had the whole beach to ourselves

Myself, Holly and Iain after our little swim

Holly drying off in the sun

After a while everyone was a bit tired and crashed out. I, on the other hand, sat and made sand models! I felt like a bit of a big kid but was semi-proud of the marginally retarded results. Come midday, Emski needed to leave and Zac offered to walk her to the bus stop. Soon after we had a call saying he was giving her a lift to Poole bus station. Dan predicted he wouldn't stop there and would instead take her all the way back to Dorchester, and his fears were realised when we called to see where he was an hour later. Luckily he agreed to come back for Dan who would have otherwise been stuck there with no way to get home despite needing to be back to do things in the afternoon. Dan stressed for a while that he might not come back, but we alleviated that with ice cream from our friend who turned up selling them from a little mobile stand. It was funny to see him there, we weren't expecting it at all! Still we stood and talked, cooling off in the breeze that we didn't get when sheltered by the dunes where our things were.

Myself, still cold and wet, and Dan, who didn't want to get cold or wet!

Emski looking prettyful

Everyone catching some relaxation time in the baking sun

My terrible approximtion of a PS3 controller

Ok, fine, I can't do faces!

I admit, I had a few ice creams, but it was hot!!!

We left in a bit of a hurry when it came to it, Zac was in town earlier than we thought and Dan was panicking he might get bored of waiting and go on home. Luckily, after a long wait for the ferry, we made it over to drop Dan off over the other side to be taken home with Zac and sort everything he needed in good time. Holly and Iain needed to get back to the North soon enough, so after a quick lunch and cuppa back at my place they went on their epic quest home.

Once everyone had left there wasn't much for me to do but pass a little time uploading photos and then playing some of the best quality games of MGO I've had in ages. There were a good few of us playing, and the team games were intense! The capture were the most so, both teams going for one target trying to get it to the goal for 30seconds. I was glad I had runner 2 enbled as it helped a little with getting it there but the game ran on a good 20minutes after the finish time with the tide of battle constantly swinging like a GaKo shaped pendulum! It took unspoken teamwork and a good deal of ballsy moves to finally finish one particular round in a stunning victory for our team. It was so closely fought I was almost shaking to put the controller down!

Well I guess the other thing to mention from the weekend is the unmistakable "thing" between Emski and Zac. Now, Emski has a bloke in London but he's not been very attentive to her in a while, going on and off interested in her then bored of her, so she's going to talk to him soon if she hasn't already and as she said to me yesterday she expects the answer will be he's not too bothered with her any more. Zac is more intersted in her than I've seen him be toward anyone. Sure he's bit of an opportunist ladies man but he said it himself there's something a bit different here. Dan reckons we've done some matchmaking, I'm unsure as yet but then they seem to get on so well and apparently on a deeper conversational level than would be expected from 2people who'd only met that night. I hope all works out for them, one way or the other, they're both great people and I'm not put off by the idea of some crazy fun double dates sometime!

Well, it's time I'm off now. I had hoped to play some MGO tonight but then Dan was called in to an earlier shift today and it makes sense for me to go over tonight and stay because his day off is tomorrow which I'm looking forward to spending with him. He has an xray on his leg booked at the hospital to see how the bone is or isn't healing right and figure out why he's suddenly got pain there again.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we realise our warnings were right, we wonder maybe if they hadn't been given that they might not have been lashed out against. We also suddenly see that sometimes all some people are seeking is conflict. They can't cope with calm apologies, and seek to start fires whether they know it themselves or not. They do not feel right if they are not battling some adversity, and seem to cause it when there is none. I wish the world was free of such people, that we could all live in harmony, but the very diversity that makes us beautiful and unique is the same which tears us apart. Sometimes, all you can do is turn your face away from the fire and let it burn the bridges behind you. Only the one that started them can ever put them out, bridges won't burn forever and soon they will be gone.

BrainVomit - The Date Arrives, Dropouts and Dropins.

2009-08-15T10:02:00.002+01:00

Well last night signified the final night in the pub before the big trip today. The big trip though has turned in to now just 6 of us going to the beach. Zac is back in after unsurprisingly being pissed off with the others who were trying to get lifts from him, I think they're now being driven to Swanage by Jamesy who told me yesterday he couldn't afford to come with us. It's bullshit but I'll let it slide, I'm getting fast used to being lied to and backstabbed at every turn. This is why I avoided big social groups, it always gets complicated somehow.

I had hoped for 30+ people today, everyone I know and care about coming to one place as a belated birthday celbration, but as I've said before it's all fallen through. It's now going to be me, Dan, Zac, Iain, Holly and Martyn who may well leave early to go home and look after the wife. Understandable, and I'm grateful he's even coming at all considering she's 5weeks until due with their firstborn. Wishing the best of luck to them both, I know that kid will have a great start in life. I'm so disappointed so many dropped out that I feel quite down about the whole thing, and to be honest if people weren't travelling so far and hadn't already made the plans then I'd call the whole thing off and stay home alone with a few pints to drown my sorrow....but that's not me any more so I'm going to have as much fun as I can with the few that are coming, it'll be nice I'm sure everyone will get along and we can all have some BBQ's and some drinks and a good time all round.

Last night at least was nice at the pub. Charlie and Emma were there again, and as it's a Friday Louise came up as well. She'd bought me a late birthday present, bless her, which cheered me up immensely - she got me the lightsaber umbrella I'd seen in OPM and mentioned on facebook that I really wanted. She is already going to a birthday thing tonight so I don't mind at all about her not being there. I'm disappointed Charlie and Emma dropped out, as did Sue and co, I guess I'm not as well liked as I had hoped. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but it really doesn't help anything with the recent happenings. Ho hum. Nothing I can do to change things, I'm already starting to get annoyed with the intricacies of this large social group anyway, breakups, breakdowns, too many things going on that I don't entirely understand because I don't know everyone and it's too hard to piece together all the little bits...*sigh* I'm not used to all this. Maybe someday I will be but that day isn't today unfortunately. Still, it was alright last night, and it was nice talking to the people I'm closer to. I care about them greatly.

Well I guess it's time to sign out and start getting more positive. Little tidy up before Martyn gets here and I'll probably do us lunch or something while we wait for Iain and Holly to arrive then possibly meet up with Allan for a while in town before Zac and Dan turn up to go on the ferry to Studland.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we just have to accept there may be no reason why we are not liked, and not worry about pleasing everyone all the time because that is an impossible feat. We should focus instead on just being the best we can be, and where we are not we should seek to improve. The ones who are worth it will follow us soon enough.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - My Dark Night with my Dark Knight, and Even the Best Laid Plans...

2009-08-13T11:18:00.003+01:00

Tuesday night came in fast, and the plan was to go to the pub for a bit then head on to Dan's after he'd had a bath and stuff after work at around 10pm. Well on the way to the pub as I left so late I saw Dan walking home and pulled over for a hug. I was in a top mood and happy, looking forward to the weekend and a day to spend with Dan on Wednesday. We spoke for a minute and agreed I'd meet him at his place at 10 or he'd text me when he was out of the bath. He later didn't remember me saying 10pm but that's a story I'll get to in a minute.

So I got to the pub, and everyone was outside on one bench. Nobody made a hint of an effort at making room so I stood at the end of the table. Barely as I'd got there a couple of people made some comments about Dan I wasn't happy with, and my mood slipped. It was brought crashing to the ground when the subject of the weekend came up. April made a snide comment about how the message I'd sent on Facebook with all the details on was too long and "could have been submitted to English as a fucking essay, nobody's going to bother to read it". Well, if you're going to get bitchy about it then fine, you're obviously don't have the inteligence to skimread or the attention span to give a damn what anyone else thinks but yourself. Maybe it was too long but you didn't have to read it to get the gist. Don't worry though I'll rewrite a new one later in length and language you might be able to cope with. I don't mean to sound spiteful but there was acid in her words and voice that I find hard to ignore.

Anyway, back to the point, it then came out that some people were offended at not getting said message and the invites, but to be fair I'd completely forgotten, I'd only just added them on facebook and hadn't invited them to the group trip event that I'd been planning since about April/May, long before I even met them! So they got uppity about that one too. Then I asked Zac if he was still cool with the plan at which point the same people again interjected that he was in fact now going with them to Swanage, and tried to make out that Dan and I were just using him for the lift in his car. We enjoy his company, Dan considers him a good close friend, and I know for a fact that since I invited him to this trip he has been asking me about details practically ever time we meet. We'd been looking forward to this, and the plan was Zac would take Dan after work and meet us in Poole and we'd all go over together, but now things were said like "oh he wants to do his own thing, you're just using him for the car because Dan can't get there otherwise" and all that crap. Bullshit! Plus after talking to Dan yesterday the same people saying all that are using Zac for a lift to Swanage.

Two faced bitching and purposeful ruining of other peoples plans is going on here and I don't like it one bit. They tried to do it last time when we were saying it would be cool if Zac came with us to Sound Circus for the night, but they had plans for Swanage. Well, in the end they left him behind because they obviously had enough cars for themselves and we were both saying it was a shame he wasn't with us, he could have come on the bus and been able to drink and enjoy himself, not having to drive anyone anywhere.

I mentioned again about Saturday that I thought Jamesy (who I'd spoken to the day before about it) was coming along to Studland, but they instantly said no he's with us. So it felt at this point with everyone else I'd invited dropping out one by one that the whole thing was just going to shit. Thankfully Sue who had been staying out of it said she'd like to come, and bring along her boyfriend and maybe a couple of other friends too. We swapped numbers and I thanked her for being nice when everyone else has obviously decided they don't like me now. It was only 9:25pm though and I was fed up of standing and feeling completely shunned by everyone, so I said bye to Sue and went to find something to do until 10pm.

My first call was to park up behind Morrisons and sit on the bench under the trees for a while and try to get rid of the upset that was threatening to overtake me, but within a few minutes a car full of chavs pulled up and I made a hasty decision to leave immediately. I headed around to Tesco, knowing they were open late, and went in to mill about and pass the time. I'd sent Dan a message before leaving asking if it was ok if I turned up early because I didn't want to stay any longer but had no reply so I thought it best to wait until 10. I got wispas, cookies and galaxy hot chocolate to make myself feel better, and some microwave paninis for the morning. The last 15 minutes I spent sat in the carpark next to my bike, texting Marcus to see how he is settling in to his new flat. After being kicked out of his house (he's only 16) he had spent a week in a tent in the woods before they gave him somewhere to live. Thankfully it sounds as if he's settled in well, if a little lonely now being so far away from everyone he knows.

10pm rolled in, and still feeling not much happier I drove over the road to Dan's. His mum let me in and I went upstairs to wait as he wasn't out of the bath yet, so I sat on his bed and read a few more pages of book. I was instantly cheered up by the look on his face and the cry of shock he let out when he saw me there, he was at the doorway without even a towel on to cover his modesty! It's not like I haven't seen anything before but he was surprised and said he hoped he had time to sort himself out before I came over. Still in fits of giggles I laid back and looked at the ceiling while he got some clothes on.

Once he was presentable (vaguely) he checked his phone and got my message. He asked why I'd wanted to leave early so I explained while trying not to get upset about it. It's awkward because I feel more upset when I'm angry because I quite simply hate being angry but that's how I felt towards some of them and the way they'd been speaking to me and so inconsiderate that evening. Well, Dan caught on and told me he didn't want me to be sad especially not with him, and that he'd hug and kiss me until I was happy again. It didn't take long, there's something about him that just makes me want to smile, he knows exactly how to make me giggle and forget stresses.

After that we went downstairs to make hot chocolate, we added coffee in for a bit more energy as we'd decided to watch The Dark Knight together. It was late but the day after was his day off so we settled down with mocha, cookies and cuddles to watch it. I absolutely loved the film, as I hadn't seen it before - it was awesome in many ways. By the time we'd got to the end though it was almost 3am! We decided to stay up longer and watch tv as we were so comfy laying on the sofa together. We ended up falling asleep there to be woken at 7am by his mum coming down and demanding we get up. Woops.

We went upstairs and dozed off for another few hours before getting up for coffee and breakfast. We quickly dropped the plan of going to Poole for the day, because time had gone on a bit and Dan needed to go to the doctor in the afternoon about his leg. He'd broken it a couple of years ago and had some pain in there which was now getting worse so it was definately time to get it checked up. We spent the morning relaxing and watching music channels, which was welcome because I've now got whatever it is that Dan had. Headaches and a painful chesty cough, total feeling of being run down by a bus, not good!

We eventually left when it was time to get him to the doc, and after the appointment we slowly wandered back through town. We stopped in the book shop, where he found some comics for his collection and I found a book called "Psychology and Psychiatry for Nurses" - it was 75p and though written in the 60's I thought it'd be good background reading for some more info. Dan bought it for me and I got us each ice cream from the shop nearby. We wandered back slowly because I was feeling the heat, despite it being cloudy and Dan assuring me it was slightly chilly.

When we got back I laid back and relaxed as I was feeling a bit rough for gaming and watched Dan playing MGS3. He'd just completed it so was running around on a second playthrough in a tuxedo with the Patriot gun not taking it all too seriously like his first time through. It was funny watching him run and gun through the forest, and talking to Sigint on the codec about the patriot was even more giggles!

His mum made us some hotdogs with onions for dinner, bless her, and afterwards we headed up to the pub. After the night before a big part of me didn't want to go and I felt awkward about it to be honest, bad vibes and all that. Still, we met his ex Emma on the way up and convinced her to come along with Charlie when she'd got changed from work.

We arrived and everyone was again sat on one bench but there was just enough room to squeeze a seat on one end each. There was a little grey cat, fairly young and fluffy, wandering around everyone so we picked it up for a cuddle, and when Dan went for drinks I sat down with it and it settled happily on my lap purring and clawing at my knee. Bless. I chatted a bit to Sue who was next to me but it seemed like when Dan came back too our end of the table was being kept a bit seperate to their conversations. When Emma and Charlie turned up, I suggested we move on to the benches behind us which were pushed together into a long table so we could all sit down. Well, Dan, Sue and myself moved over and the others stayed put. Chrispy ended up sat on the table down from us mostly talking to another Emma about things so we mostly left them to it. I'm just guessing it's about Emma's now fiance who is still in hospital, and Chrispy saw him when he went there about his eyes earlier in the day. We're all hoping he comes out soon, he's been in over 2months but hopefully he's making more progress to recovery now.

So anyway, after Sue left fairly early, the rest of the eve was mainly spent with me and Dan talking to Emma and Charlie. We had a good laugh, and I finally relaxed a bit although there were outbursts of laughter from the other table and I did hear us being mentioned at times. At one point, Dan went to talk to Zac privately about the weekend, so I spent some time convincing the other 2 to join us. I really hope they do, the more the merrier, and I'm sure they'll get on with people. It would be good to actually have someone turn up. I understand some people have dropped out with good reason, I have nothing against them at all, but it's the ones that won't even tell me if they want to go or not or the whole fiasco about conflicting plans...they're basically just copying us anyway, we started the trend for overnight beaching and they were jealous because they weren't having as much fun, obviously, so now they feel the need to ruin our plans by making someone feel that we are using them when in fact it's the other way around!

Back on track though, we left about 11:30pm ish and walked back with Emma and Charlie having a laugh all the way, we parted halfway through town and said farewell. There's not much I'll say about the night after that point but it was a good one and I fell asleep very happy knowing I have the best boyfriend around.

This morning I woke up tired and run down, couldn't face a coffee so just had water before leaving at quarter to 9 and drove straight home. I'm now trying to chill and get some energy back before my sister gets here at 2pm. She's been promised I'll be more awake than I was this morning but I feel really rough, cant seem to clear my head unfortunately but at least writing about the first half of this cleared a little stress and the rest made me smile to remember.

~~~~~~~ Though of the Day ~~~~~~~

Maybe this is what he meant when he said I couldn't trust anyone, perhaps I should have been more cautious. I feel betrayed by people I barely know and ask myself why their knives would bury themselves in my spine when I wish them no harm?

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Part 2 of the Party Weekend, Big Busloads of Fun and Finding Bliss

2009-08-10T14:25:00.004+01:00

I'll start this one with a little hiccup I forgot to mention about the other night. It just makes me giggle despite the loss of dignity! When we were leaving Bryanston after Wombat and Amy's party, a few of us were saying goodbye inside. Chrispy decided to go around and hug everyone, picking them up as he went. He got to me last and rather than picking my up by the waist/arse like he did the guys he decided to grab my legs just above the knee. All very well while everyone's laughing while I'm stuck midair but when he tried putting me down he forgot the problem with drunkenness, high heels, and bent knees and we collapsed on the floor. Right after I got up Dan was laughing and reciting that stupid primary school rhyme "I see London I see France I can see your underpants!" If I wasn't giggling too I could've nutted him for that one!

Anyway, I'm now back home again and it's time to recount the second night of the weekend, and then a little bit more, to get up to date.

~~~~~~~ Saturday Night - Buses of Blandfordians for Bournemouth ~~~~~~~

Saturday night...where do I begin? Well I got to Dan's only a little late after a complete indecision on outfit arose. Oh dear...I'm turning more female by the day dear reader, it's all this actually caring about what people, or rather one person thinks though it's completely silly because looks are but superficial. Our physical forms are just vessels for the more important internal self...but it does feel good when you feel that you look good, no?

So Wombat had been organising the trip for a while, getting a bus to take everyone up to the club to celebrate her birthday so the people who usually drive didn't have to and could have a few pints too. Unfortunately, with people not paying and dropping out last minute, it was a bit worrying until we had confirmation they had allowed the size to drop from 24 seats to 16. We only had to pay an extra £2.50 each as all the spaces were then filled, and Louise had printed out the flyers for us to get in free saving the £3 entry fee - perfect!

We hopped on the bus outside Wombat's about 8.20pm in plenty of time to get to the club. The mood was quiet, partly because we were all blind stinking sober and partly because it's hard for us at the front to turn to those at the back. We took a few photos, some film, and everyone was talking but it wasn't until we started getting closer that the mood rose. We got out in the cold and queued up outside the club. It's advertised opening is 9pm and we were 5mins early but we were still there before the DJ! I guess they opened about 5-10mins late but we were the only ones there. We all went straight to the bar and got our first drinks in and stood by the bar talking more as a few people arrived, some we knew some we didn't.

A couple of us got in the mood to request some songs, and 3 of the guys got up to rock out on the empty dancefloor. I joined them as soon as I heard Metallica's "I Disappear" not long after I requested it and stayed a couple more songs before finding the rest again. I needed a few pennies for the night so I told Dan I'd pop over the shop, but instead he said he'd come with me after his pint so we mingled a bit before we went. It was nice to have him come with, I mean the whole night it was pretty much like we weren't joined at the hip but at the same time we spent time together and apart. If I wasn't with him I generally knew where he'd be if I wanted to and vice versa. It makes such a big change from being with someone who would be constantly watching or needing to be with me the whole time, or guilt tripping me if I went away. I can't get over how good it all is sometimes.

I got some good photos, and so did Dan the times when I handed him the camera and said just take a few pics of whatever and look after this for me. There were other times when I was sat and looked after his glasses and shirt in return when tunes he liked but I'm not so keen on were playing. Some songs we were both up and enjoying the music and rocking out together with the rest of the group in a big circle, and a random dude joined in the middle sometimes which was hilarious! Bless, he was wasted but having a lot of fun. Anyway, enough talk I'll let the pictures say sometime now!

Bus Ride

Louise and Me
Nick and Lay
Wombat and Chrispy, BEFORE they were drunk!
Dan and James

Wombat, Anna and Marie chilling on one of the leather sofas
Claire and Tristan
Lay and Wez
Luke and Dan
Tristan and Dan
Chrissy T and Chrispy - Fabulous, boys!
I did a great job looking after Dan's glasses ;)
I like to surprise Wombat....Wahey!
Carrie, on the left, Dan's more recent ex. I wonder why he took a photo of her but I don't particularly care, he didn't give a damn when she dumped him and he's an honest guy - I trust him completely.
Haze looking cute on the side of the dancefloor
Chrissy T Raving it up!
Lucy and girlfriend
Anna letting her hair down on her 2nd trip out to SC
Bev the Dancing Bunnygirl
Claire and Tristan in a bit of a classic moment, so glad I had the camera out!
Colleen....words can't describe this photo!
Haze and Luke - Ok, so I am a tiny bit jealous of her incredible hair...
Dan with one of his best mates Steph and the random drunk guy who was dancing in the middle of our circle
Dan and Steph, apparently she's just like me - in his words "you're both crazy!"
Dan, the Emo Pimp...Oh dear...we have to do something with that hair! To be fair though it was being blown by the fan there.
This one was taken by the owner, from left to right, Me, Claire, Colleen, Rich, and Chrissy T draped over us, bless!
Chrispy and I did a really REALLY good job looking after Dan's glasses...well he never said not to wear them!
It was giggles, Louise thought so too because she was taking these on her camera.
I almost look intelligent, scary!
Steph took this when we were sat in the hallway by the giant fan. "Look windswept" - I think we did ok on that one!

Well that covers the photos, or thereabouts. Some of Dan's favourite songs had him running over and draggin me to the dancefloor with him a couple of times which was just amazing fun. When I'm drunk I don't mind headbanging to D&B. So anyways, by the end of the night Chrispy had pulled (as usual, but a few of us thought he had a girlfriend? We were mistaken, she's just another that likes him so it seems) but we weren't too sure on his choice of lady. He said he was invited back to hers but didn't because he had to be on the bus with us. I don't know, dear reader, judge for yourself.

Wombat pulled as well, same guy for the second week in a row. Bless, I think she really quite likes him. Unfortunately though nobody caught him on camera, at least not that I've found yet! I do hope she'll be alright, she could do with a nice guy to take care of her.

The end of the night saw me on the dancefloor rocking out to Bon Jovi's Livin' On a Prayer, for once I hadn't requested any cheesy 80's stuff but everyone loved it and was singing along, then the last track for the night was......Europe's Final Countdown! I was absolutely loving it when some arms slipped around my waist from behind. For half a second I did wonder what the hell was going on but leaned my head back to see Dan grinning at me! We danced out the rest of that tune together, almost having our own little slow dance to the solo - epic and indeed win! That really was the high point and I felt absolutely amazing and so glad to share such an incredible moment with him.

We took a while leaving when it came to 2am kickout time, mainly because Wombat was rather attached to Scott and didn't want to leave. Good job we'd booked the bus for 2:15, it wasn't waiting for long. Most of us got on and waited, and while we were waiting a random dude got in and asked where it was going! Private minibus, we were all a bit confused at his appearance at first but when we told him it was going back to Blandford he departed with the line "Blandford? Why would anyone want to go there?!" We all laughed and eventually everyone was on board.

We got dropped off next to Dan's as it was on the way, so thankfully didn't have to walk back through town. We were both drunk and hungry so Dan picked some snacks and we sat down to some tv to munch. A couple of cereal bar, crisps and some uncooked poptarts later I felt much better but absolutely shattered. We went upstairs and as it was somewhere between 3 and 4 in the morning by this point we went to bed and weren't awake more than a few minutes before being fast asleep.

As usual come morning I was awake first, and after an hour of reading decided to get up and fetch snacks and energy drink from Tesco. Predictably he woke up just as I was getting dressed, so we agreed I'd hop off but make him a coffee first and leave it downstairs so he could wake up slowly. I came back with quiche, sushi and a couple of microwavable paninis. Cheese and bacon, lovely job! I had the sushi then shared the quiche with Dan, saving the paninis for later.

The morning and early afternoon were spent easily, Dan played more of Prototype, I watched a bit but spent some time improving the quality of the night's photos as well. Zac got in contact and there was talk of going out shopping somewhere, but it was a hot day and I didn't feel like it too much. We were talking of maybe just doing Wimborne market, but when Zac arrived we sat in the garden with the paninis and ended up looking at photos and videos instead. Much preferable, as it was a bit late when he arrived to do anything like shopping anyway. It was a hot day, and Zac only stayed a short while before going on.

We went upstairs to play Star Wars Battlefront 2 together. Mos Eisley's Assault level provided us the brilliant chance to play as heroes vs villains, Jedi and Sith, all of the major characters, great fun! Dan started off playing as the evil side while I used the forces of good to crush him. I was just on the brink of winning when we were called down for the first roast meal I'd had in ages. We returned afterwards and I dealt a swift killing blow to secure my victory. The second round we switched sides, and after a close fought battle Dan maintained his lead throughout and won bringing us even. The third match and we both chose to play dark side together and crush the Jedi heroes. It was brilliant teamwork that defeated the surprisingly adaptive foes. In all matches I topped my team's leaderboard with over 60 kills, Dan however was halfway down with 30 or less but to be fair he was using some of the characters like Jango and Han who only have blasters and he got a good number of headshots.

When we were done with that, I coached him through finally completing Metal Gear Solid 2. He only had the last boss fight with Solidus to go, but when you're out of practice and indeed stuck on that bit it's hardly a walk in the park. He then started on the Tanker section, which he hadn't done yet. Apparently if you select not having played MGS1 at the start you go straight on to the Plant part of the game, madness! It's like starting over from nothing. After the fight with Olga it was getting late, so I turned off the laptop (I'd been half editing more photos while he was playing) and ended up reading as he went through OPM cover to cover. He started on the Batman review but got in to some of the other reviews and articles. He skimmed a few but went all the way to the end and back through to Batman again!

Sleep again, and an early start on Monday saw me making the coffee at 6:20am as usual and getting ready to go. Today I had the ominous interview at the Jobcentre to look forward to. I was a bit apprehensive, not having had one before. Turns out it was more just a review of the agreement, and he printed out a couple of job opportunities and changed a few things on the system. All over and done with. Phew.

So that takes us up to now. I'm staying in tonight, gaming night, and besides Dad's away with Kaitlin seeing some family in Dover and the cat needs half a pill twice a day for diabetes so if I went to Dan's this evening I wouldn't be able to stay. They're back tomorrow though so I'll see if any plans are happening. Would be good to sleep in tomorrow morning though, little bit run down at the moment. So I bid thee farewell, dear reader, until next time I have something interesting to catalogue here!

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

The slower the descent, the deeper the fall.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - 50th Post, The Maid and the Prototype, and the Backstabbing Bastards of Bryanston

2009-08-08T10:48:00.004+01:00

50th post...should I do something special, mark the occaision? Is it celebration or am I merely halfway to my first hundred? Goodness knows, I'd get there faster if I bothered to write daily! Well I'm going to spend a short time today giving you, dear reader, and account of last night's fun. As you may remember from my last entry, we were off to my best mate's joint birthday party. Fancy dress, and Dan changed his mind again to go for the Prototype Alex Mercer look. It did look rather awesome but there weren't enough people who recognised it which was a shame.

I went for my maid outfit, which worked rather well but we did look a bit of an odd couple, not least because in my heels I was a fair bit taller than him - more so than usual! We looked fairly normal when I was sat down though, and we had a couple of nice pictures taken on my camera.

So anyway, the night itself, it was fairly good. We had to sign in and get wristbands to say we had ID and were old enough to drink. Part of something the club instigated literally 3days before the party. They made Amy and Wombat pay £100 to hire bouncers for the night with just those 3days notice! Ridiculous!

Anywho, it started quiet and I went with a glass of red wine, because it's fairly cheap and goes to my head fairly quickly. There was music, some dancing, and loads of people. I spent a lot of the night going between people, talking and distributing hugs, going outside with the smokers and inside dancing to some good tunes. I say dancing, I mean headbanging. Oh yes. Pantera was most awesome. I will also admit to a little bit of more energetic action to Madness classic Baggy Trousers - what can I say, I have a varied taste!

Well for a lot of the night I left my camera in Dan's capable hands and haven't even checked out the photos yet - woops! I did spend a short while with Lozi, she looked a bit upset and I found out it was because she's been diagnosed with a spinal condition, sciatica, which has been causing the pain in her leg. I spent a while sat with her talking about it, and have now checked out some details so next time I see her I can talk to her more about treatments and give her the reassurance that 90% of cases resolve by themselves. She has my number anyway if she needs it. I think I made her giggle a bit and feel a little better last night, at least I hope so anyway!

The rest of the night is a little bit hazy, well I remember it all but it's difficult to recall much more worth writing about. It was good fun, there were good tunes, some wine was had and Dan had more than a few pints too which was quite hilarious!

Well it all ended on a low note, we were meant to have the hall booked until 1am but they turned on the lights at midnight. Everyone kicked off then, because we'd bent over backwards, nobody had caused any trouble there was barely any mess, not even a spilt drink let alone any broken glasses! Little bit fucking ridiculous, backstabbing bastards, the guy behind the bar was threatening to call the police to get us removed if we didn't leave! Everyone was angry. Very angry. We were some of the earliest to leave though so I didn't see how it ended but I'm assuming they got the deposit back. Either way the club won't be earning any more from us, we used to book it up at least 6 times a year if not more, and everyone would spend a fair deal at the bar, always clear up after and nobody ever caused a major issue.

Oh well, tonight is Sound Circus on the bus. Several people dropped out leaving us needing to pay an extra £2.50 each and on a downsized bus but it should still be a good night now. No idea what to wear but after last night I think short skirt and stockings may well be a good plan!

In other news, I've looked back and yesterday/today marks a month since I started dating Dan, it's been a great month and I don't remember a time when I have been unhappy at all. I can't think of a single argument, the closest is maybe a tiny bit of both of us being indecisive about what we want to do! It's unbelievable really, it's just been so amazing I can hardly begin to describe it.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Time flies when you're having fun, it seems like an age but at the same time it's like just a day has passed since you asked.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - The Perfect Day

2009-08-06T14:47:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, it started a bit slow then when plans were made I ended up in a bit of a rush and was late in to town - woops! Nevermind, Dan waited for me and I met him in HMV just inside the main shopping centre next to the bus station. I felt guilty for being late and making him wait because I had no credit to tell him I was on my way still. When I got there he was looking at DVD's and assured me he hadn't been waiting too long. We had a browse of a few things there but didn't see anything interesting so headed out in to the town towards Paradox.

It was a beautiful sunny but slightly cloudy day yesterday, a bit warm to be wearing thick tights but that was just bad planning on my part! It was nice and relaxing just wandering through the town and talking. He wasn't feeling too well so I was a little worried but he seemed to get a bit better as the day went on. Fresh air does do a world of good, well except when he's smoking, that's not so fresh!

We got up to Paradox at the top of town, he found a few things he was looking for and spotted something Colleen would be particularly interested in so got that for her as well, and we headed out to check the nearby fancy dress shops. He's looking for parts to make a Deadpool costume, it's his favourite series and I admit it's pretty funny (has included some gaming homages which is always good, particularly Fallout) and the costume would look awesome!

Unfortunately we didn't find anything useful, good job he has the backup idea for tomorrow to go as The Spirit. I think it'll look just as awesome, if a little less eccentric! I'm sticking to my original plan of a french maid costume. It's a party where they say fancy dress but give no specifics, and it's a costume I bought a while ago but haven't used yet so may as well go for it. Hopefully it will be approved by the boyfriend, though the 6 inch heels may not be so appreciated, I'll dwarf the poor guy!

So anyway, we headed back through the town. I didn't have much cash on me but I bought us an ice cream each, it was a hot day and I thought it might help Sir Cough-alot's sore throat, bless him he should realise smoking just won't help! We carried on further and popped in to Gregg's where he bought us each a pizza baguette thing for lunch - awesome! Pepperoni, yum yum and indeed yum! There was a slight problem in that Dan's was going cold and mine was like eating cheesy lava it was so hot, so about 1/4 through we swapped - it made sense! He prefers his hotter and I prefer not to have my mouth completely burnt. Next time maybe we'll be sensible and check before we leave!

We wandered through a few charity shops, looked in a couple of other places, and checked out a little old bookshop tucked down an alley. I found the perfect Christmas present for mum in there, and Dan had a look for graphic novels. We found some Star Wars books going cheap too which I'm tempted to go back for sometime. After, we went to the record shop next door and had a look around. Dan was looking for a film he wanted on DVD, so we hunted high and low before asking the guy working there if he had it. It's only a small shop, you could easily think it was a complete mess, cramped up in there with no organisation but things were mostly in order. He checked and his system said he should have one copy, he hunted out the back, on the shelves, everywhere high and low, and just as we were all giving up he found it as he was going back behind the counter. Dan bought it for a good price and was pretty happy at finding it there, promising it would be worth a watch later.

We carried on to Waterstone's and had a look for graphic novels, again nothing much other than the usual but when looking just around the corner on the Sci fi shelf we came across a novelisation of Metal Gear Solid from the PS1! I keep telling him he should play it, because he hasn't yet, and he still has to complete MGS2 and 3 before I let him on MGS4 properly. I thought the book was an interesting concept though, but put it back because I can't afford it. Dan picked it up though and bought it for me on the condition he could read it after - bless! So lovely of him, I'm slowly getting used to this nice treatment but it still surprises me every time.

After that we wandered around the Dolphin shopping centre for a short while before we realised what the time was. We had a brief squabble, well I say squabble it was just both of us being a bit indecisive, about whether I should just get on the bus or walk home and get my bike and drive down. Dan decided I should go on the bus with him then, I didn't want to suggest it too much because I know I can only afford one way and he'd have to pay for me to get back. Again I felt bad for the money but then I was also grateful to just hop on and sit down with him.

The way back I spent mostly talking to a friend of his who we'd bumped in to in town, and turns out he has a PS3 and not many people to play online with so I gave him my PSN to join in some of our games sometime. Dan spent some time reading his new comics, and finished them sat in his garden when we got back to his house while I started MGS in the sunshine. It was great to be sat out there relaxing in the sun, and after we headed in to watch the film he'd bought, Detroit Rock City. Halfway through his mum called up, bless her she'd made us both dinner! We had the first course, corn on the cob, downstairs and took the main meal up to eat while we watched the rest of the film.

It was hilarious, all about 4 friends who want to go and see Kiss live in Detroit. Set in the late 70's when Kiss were at the height of their fame and the popular kids were all into disco, in America when Christianity was more forced upon youths. It was simply brilliant, a mix of things like Empire Records, Dogma and the like. After the film we relaxed a bit, had coffee and went up to the pub for the evening.

The weather was perfect for pubbing, there were a good group of the regulars there who we like to talk to and Dan kindly bought me a couple of pints over the evening. We spent most of it outside on the benches as it was so warm, though later a few people went in to play pool. Dan put on some music on the jukebox too. Though I missed most of them when I was still outside, I heard a couple of his selections while I challenged him to a tipsy game of pool. I was terrible but it was great playing listening to Simple Minds "Don't You (Forget About Me)" - the ending tune from The Breakfast Club, a film we both love - so losing wasn't too bad! We finished the game after last orders, I nearly pulled it back on the last shots but missed a crucial final red when Dan was on the black with a perfect lineup.

We went back out again before we left, talked a bit more and wandered home about midnight. It was nice walking and talking again after a really chilled evening spent with good friends all around. When we got back we had a quick snack and sat on the sofa. I fell asleep (woops) on him for a few minutes and by 1am we went up to bed. It was nice to fall asleep with him again, he does just make me so relaxed I can't describe it. Waking up this morning I didn't want to move, but he has to work and I have to go home so it was business as usual - I make coffee while he gets dressed for work. It's a good system, and he sorted out my bus fare for me too. Luckily, the bus goes about the same time he leaves for work so that was easy enough. I wandered home from the bus station and here I am, with no idea what to do tonight. We're going out at the weekend so I'm guessing it's best for me to stay home and get rest hoping he'll do the same.

The one thing that came up in the pub was Saturday. Zac wants to go beaching with us and presumably Marcus as well, and there are others who aren't doing the Sound Circus trip who are going out to Swanage for the night. I was looking forward to spending a night clubbing with Wombat, she's organised for a big bus to take us all up there for £10 each if we can fill the 24 spaces. But now there's talk of going to Swanage and leaving early with Zac. I would like to go but I don't want to ditch on Wombat, she's my best mate and I love her to bits. I know Dan isn't as bothered with Sound Circus because we were there last week for Colleen, and with the theme of "hula hoops" it's not all too inspiring for me either but I know I'd enjoy the time with Wombat if we got some good music played.

So I'm really torn. I don't want to be going in when it opens at 9pm and leaving after 2hours. It won't matter for the bus because we've already paid our money for that but it would feel bad that she's gone to the effort of organising and booking it to say well yeah we're leaving early to go hang out with other people. It's a real rock and a hard place conundrum. If only we could leave at 1am, but I know Zac won't want to be driving the hour or so to Swanage that late. *sigh* we'll see what is said and what is suggested. I really don't know what I want so I can't speak up right now with an idea or opinion, if only I was a bit more decisive I could say exactly what I want, then Dan could tell me what he wants, and we could work out the best way for everyone to be happy. I half suggested going seperate but it's not really what I want and he agreed he'd rather not go different ways on a Saturday night. I hope we work it out soon, I prefer to know what's going on rather than leave it last minute to decide...

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Speaking your mind is the best thing to do to solve a problem, but if you don't know your own mind how are you supposed fix anything?

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Explanation Confusion, Blame and Responsibility

2009-08-05T09:33:00.003+01:00

Yesterday, I received that explanation from my ex. That one he was on about making everything make sense. Well, I was expecting the same old "I was paranoid, depressed and have an abandonment complex from my parents divorce and my ex", which is bloody true and what I'd been telling him for years, but no, it was something completely different. I'll show you what he wrote.

~~~~~~~ The Explanation ~~~~~~~

4/8 12:51

Right. As I said it doesn't really justify things but it gives everything a sense of clarity and at the very least means that it wasnt entirely my fault. I'm an aspie, I've been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Of course the shit i was going through and the fact that i was too young to have the mental ability to control the bad qualitys didnt help. I wish I could have caught it sooner... i'm making alot of efforts to fight the bad sides now i recognise them...

4/8 13:01

If i'd been able to catch it sooner my life could have been so different. its classification has only been relatively recent, meaning diagnosis comes hard. Look it up or if you cant be arsed i can explain it to you. nevertheless it has become apparent that nearly everything i did wrong is largely due to that whether you acidentally provoked it or not. I just want you to know how deeply sorry i am. without this bullshit syndrome i could have been the caring person i was alot of the time before it got worse

4/8 13:03

As i say i dont expect you to forgive me but maybe it will go some way and at the very least you deserved an explanation..... thankyou for hearing me out.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm honestly not entirely sure how I should take this. From looking at some information I saw nothing about angry or aggressive outbursts from aspies and talking to one on Twitter last night reinforced that. He explained that it's not generally something linked to the syndrome, and that it's unlikely to be an cause of some of those issues. To be honest, the reading I've done would suggest in a lot of ways more PDA (pathological demand avoidance) than Aspergers. It certainly would explain why he just couldn't do something simple like tell me who had just been on the phone and what they'd been talking about, or if there was something I had to do that day, or even what he was looking for if he was searching for something. Still, I'm now emailing the National Autistic Society (Aspergers is a type of autism) to ask for some clarification.

In other news I'm waiting to hear from Dan to see if he's coming to Poole or not today. Maybe I should call him soon...

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - A Different Weekend, In and Out, and The Problem with People

2009-08-04T23:55:00.000+01:00

Well there's a few things to cover today. I'm going to start on the incredibly positive from this weekend though because it really was quite something.

~~~~~~~ Saturday Night - Clubbing with Rednecks ~~~~~~~

So Saturday night I headed off to Dan's to prepare for clubbing in celebration of Colleen's 21st. I had the card and present waiting in my bag for her and was already in costume for Redneck vs Chav night at Sound Circus. His sister Claire was coming to pick us up and drop her kids off to be looked after by good old granny. Unfortunately, Dan's mum was pissed off at being "used as a babysitter" and didn't believe that Claire's ex husband had been asked and refused. It didn't cause too much of an issue because Claire was just as pissed off with her ex, so didn't spend long putting the girls to bed before heading out to pick up Tristan while we waited for Dan to have a snack, bless.

The journey was fairly uneventful but I was glad of the good choice of music - can't beat a bit of Soil when you're on the way to a night out! We got there and I paid for us to get in as we were too late for free entry which was a shame, but I agreed to pay for both of us if Dan went to get my first drink. On route to the bar, the owner came over to take our picture and gave us our free drink tickets for going in costume, so Dan was off the hook from buying for a moment, lucky sod!

As you can see, I was feeling a bit brave in cutoff shirt and hotpants combo, but I kept the leather waistcoat on for most of the night like a stomach-concealing comfort blanket. Yes, I am a little paranoid about my weight but mostly because it goes up and down so damn much I don't know what the heck's going on!

Anyway, we hunted around for the birthday girl, but she wasn't there yet. We took up some seats in the usual corner with the usual crowd and took a few photos until we saw Colleen, Chrissy T, Wombat and Louise arrive along with Jamesy and a fellow we know only as "Northern John". Many a photo was taken between us, with some classic expressions too! One of the first things Colleen said before the top of the following photos was taken was the brilliant line "I didn't mean to get this drunk, but I'm really drunk already!"

Me and Colleen

Louise, Wombat and Dave

Wez and Lucy

Chrispy and presumably new girlfriend. He's not a tall bloke and she was small next to him - she's freaking tiny compared to the rest of us! Bless, just like the band on her t-shirt...

Me and Dan

Well through the course of the night there was a lot of drinking and photo taking. I didn't dance much because, well, I didn't feel too in the mood and to be honest the choices of music weren't really inspiring me as much as they could have been. What pleased me a lot though was that Dan and I weren't attached at the hip, neither were we spending the entire night apart. It was a nice balance, to dance together a little, sit together, but split up and talk to other people too sometimes. I mostly knew where he was and looked over now and then if I was talking to someone else, noticed him doing the same a couple of times, it's just more of that perfection that I am still finding it so hard to believe is real.

Through the night I got some classic photos, brilliant drunken silly faces and people swapping shirts all over the place! Later on Josh and Lotty appeared from seemingly nowhere too which was awesome though Josh was completely wasted, bless him he was a huggy drunk literally hugging everyone and saying he loved them. I'll let the photos explain the rest of the night!

Colleen and Dan, otherwise known as Fran and Bernard (Black Books)

Chrissy T and Northern John.....oh dear...

Dan and Luke

NJ in PVC....oh my...and it's not a lady's top he's borrowing, it's Chrissy T's!

Colleen and Dan in the artiest photo of the night

Chrissy T makes a normal shirt more his style

Jamesy getting camera-shy

Some dude who was in the area with us, I don't know him but I think some of the others do. Had to get a pic of the shirt swapping madness though!

Dan's sister Claire and Tristan

Retard alert!

Josh and Dan
Josh still hugging Dan
Lotty watching on a bit confused

Me and Dan adding perfect facial expressions to the Redneck style. Yokels!
No Dan, real men drink real cider not that pear crap ;D
Me and Jamesy

Wombat and Lay
Luke looking a bit psycho....
Myself and Lotty

It was getting a bit later then, so we headed to the car briefly to retrieve presents for Colleen. Dan had bought her a set of models from her favourite comic/graphic novel series Lenore and a bottle of red wine, and I'd got her a "Penguin of Death" from the Edward Monkton collection.

Now, she loved the figures from Dan, but what he didn't realise was she didn't like red wine so we ended up taking that back with us. The other thing he had completely forgotten, and neglected to mention to me, is that Colleen is scared of penguins. Fail! I'd been worrying about it all night, but turns out it just made the gift ironic and she loved it! The message on the front of the bag, by the way, reads:

"THE PENGUIN OF DEATH

Things you Need to Know:
1. He is strangely attractive because of his enigmatic smile
2. He can kill you in any 1 of 412 different ways"

So the end of the night rolled around, and it was time for the costume prizes. There were 4 this time, 2 for those who came as Chavs and 2 for the Rednecks. I didn't expect anything, but after the first bottle was handed out for Rednecks, Dan nudged me forward to the front and convinced the dude that my costume was much better than the other girl he was considering. I was a bit nervous at being put on the spot and surprised at him being so forward but it worked and I won a lovely bottle of red!

When we left we were taking Luke back with us too, and we were all significantly pished in the back. Decision was made to go to Maccy D's all night drive thru for some munchies, so off we went. In the carpark we were amused by a large group of chavs, some of whom were dancing in the most absurd fashion for a minute or 2. Still, after we'd ordered we drove around the corner to a secluded part of the carpark. I swear Maccy D has never tasted so edible! Quarter pounder with cheese when I was absolutely trollied on double vodka and energy drink (I had a fair few through the night) and it was DELICIOUS!

~~~~~~~ Sunday - Chillout ~~~~~~~

Sunday I woke up first as usual, completely happy to lay awake and cuddle up to Dan for a little while before deciding I was hungry and needed snackage. I got up and dressed, and just as I was about to slip out for a few minutes Dan woke up and offered to come with, bless! I told him to stay put and I'd be back in 10 so went over the road to Tesco for a few bits. Picked up bread and cheese for making toasties, and a sarnie for the instant and headed back over to wake him up. We made plans to have a gaming day in, but his copies of Left4Dead and CoD4 (our 2 favourites to play together) were at Claire's. L4D is hers anyway we were borrowing, but she was borrowing Dan's CoD4. She was going to drop them off early when she picked the girls up but forgot to, so we arranged to run back over to Tesco and pick them up as she had to swing by quickly before going out to a BBQ somewhere. Unfortunately, she forgot them again so we went back empty handed. After some lunch and a lot of indecision, we watched a DVD which inspired Dan to look for his old camera. He and Luke had, back in the day, done their own spoof of the series we'd just watched on the DVD and he wondered if he still had the tapes.

After a long time of searching, Dan found the camera, the charger, the cable to plug it in to the tv and a bunch of old tapes. We spent the rest of the day looking at the old tapes, which went back as far as when he was 12! It was interesting to see him when he was younger, and some of the videos were hilarious and had me in fits of giggles too! Later on when we'd run out of tapes, we decided to watch Cloverfield. It was getting fairly late and he had an early the next morning, but it was worth staying up for the film. Good stuff, started slow but it picked up right on the point where it could have become boring and tedious. Good action movie, good horror aspect too, generally enjoyable all round.

So we went to bed a bit late, and come morning I really didn't want to get up and drive home but still, we did the same old same old and agreed to sort out the evening's plans later.

~~~~~~~ Monday - Do we stay or do we go? ~~~~~~~

We made half arsed plans in the afternoon to go to the pub Monday night, and I would meet at his place so we could walk up together. I got there half an hour late at just gone 8pm, and it was grey and miserable outside. It wasn't raining any more but it wasn't the nicest weather to get up and go. We did the usual message and ring round to see who was at the pub, and found out there were only 4. They were 4 we know and like, obviously, but they weren't the people who we'd particularly have as much to talk about with, so we decided it would be just as well if we stayed in instead.

Bless, he was so worried he was keeping me from going out because his ex never used to tell him when she was unhappy about staying in but complain about it later. Well when he made the suggestion, he literally said "well we have wine, games, hugs and snacks right here...." and I couldn't help but just think how insanely great an idea that was so instantly agreed. It took a while to convince him that I meant it but eventually he realised who I am and that I don't lie to him about that. I know if I want to do something, or don't want to, the best thing to do is bloody well say so - my ex was bad at that too so I wouldn't ever want to repeat the same mistake of not communicating.

So anyway, we played Left4Dead which he'd collected earlier and thoroughly enjoyed it with some of the wine I'd won on Saturday. Unfortunately though the wine did not aid in the last level, neither did the AI, so after 3 failed attempts we gave up for the night and listened to some of the commentaries instead before heading to bed fairly late. Good job we didn't have to be up early! He had the late shift today, so I was home a little after midday and we decided to both have peaceful nights in and chill, then meet in Poole tomorrow. It's nice making plans like this, we've had some nights in, then we're having a day out tomorrow and a night out in the pub after together as there'll be more people we know there on a Wednesday usually so it'll be a much better day to do it. I guess if we hang out Thursday it'd be a night in because Friday is Wombat's party and Saturday is clubbing with Wombat as part 2 of her birthday weekend. It's Amy's birthday too, and Friday is a joint do, but I barely know her to be fair. Maybe I will get to know her better this year. I hope so.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes you have to know when to step back and realise you've said all you can say. You can lead a man to words but you cannot make him read.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - The Ambiguous "You"

2009-08-01T14:07:00.002+01:00

Well this may seem like a bit of a random post, and ambiguous too, but it is directed at "you". If you recognise something of yourself here, then maybe you should take it as a lesson, but the reason it's so ambiguous is because it's not a personal thing, more directed at a kind of metaphorical "you" with aspects I have seen in more than one place.

~~~~~~~

You. You make idols of shadows, shadows that are so unclear they barely resemble the ones that cast them. You place them on pedestals you craft from a past you remember so badly it is like a rose tinted blanket over your mind. You are not the only one, you are neither the first nor the last to worship false gods, to pray at temples where you will never be answered. You are not the only one to ever suffer the indignities of loss, and you again are not the first to never let go of what is past.

You cannot seem to realise how to move forward, maybe you are scared of the future untold, but unless you stop looking backwards to a past you cannot have again you will never know what joy the future might hold.

There was a time when someone may have made you their world, but that time has passed you by while you looked over your shoulder trying to see into the distance. There was a time too when someone was your whole world, but that time is also gone and it's time you stepped back in to reality. It may seem cold, but you will only make it colder with the ice of your own words.

You believe you are inferior, yet you strive not to improve but stagnate. You cut yourself off, but then wonder why the island you made for yourself is deserted. You are angry when you think your feelings are being disregarded, but you fail to see how much it is a mirror of your own bitterness which if anything is only a dull picture of the image of you it reflects. Your own medicine was something you never could bear the taste of, and yet readily you still hand it around.

You expect your action to have no reaction, as if you are in a world of no consequence, and yet you are the first to react, or overly so, even to pure silence. You anger yourself too quickly, it is no surprise others anger you more, and yet you still do not realise that what you are angry about will only be made worse by your haste of expressing your distaste.

You hide your feelings so well you are shocked that anyone could hurt them, but how can they know your toes are under the rug when they are so disguised, you cannot be too surprised if they are stepped on. And yet, too, when the feelings of others lay in your path you are not hesitant in walking on your way, barely glancing back at who you have wiped your boots on and showing no regard that you have done so.

You keep reaching for clouds, dreams that look so solid to you but are made of nothing but air. You cannot catch them, you cannot control them, every time you leap you will only fall further down. If you keep daydreaming, you will not see the true path you could be taking on your way and instead will only make your journey more difficult. In fact, the greatest obstacles in your way are only the ones you have made for yourself.

You need to realise who you are, what you are, before you lose yourself in the wrong path. You are not the only one, you are not alone. You are many, you are scattered and duplicated more times than can be counted. Your aspects can be seen all over the world and you should be stopped. You are the only one accountable for your actions, and you need to step up and better yourself before you fall beyond repair.

~~~~~~~

I'm in a creative and pondering mood today, maybe I'll write more later before I go. :)

BrainVomit - Too Quiet

2009-07-31T18:27:00.003+01:00

I had been wondering how long it would be before I got another message from "him". So here's the new ones...

~~~~~~~~~~~

29/7 00:42am

i finally found out why things went to pieces. im confused about it tbh. never thought itd be something so simple and clear cut. if you want to know just ask and ill explain. i wouldnt bother with this but i believe that if you deserve nothing else you deserve an explaination... also i hope that in some small part it will help you forgive me as the way i acted was not entirely my fault. i dont expect that though..... its your call.

29/7 00:48am

oh side note i wont be able to reply over the weekend if you do want to know as itll be taken up completely with sonisphere.

31/7 00:35am

if you dont want to know or care then fine. But I find it fucking disgusting that you have such little regard for a friend and confidant that would have done anything for you. the last piece of advice ill give you is this. neitzche once said "battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes also into you" i hope you understand the wisdom of those words...

~~~~~~~~~~~

No, I understand the sheer arrogance of those words. Keep them to yourself you don't even know what they mean, pseudo philosophical bullshit, you quote what you do not even know. you buy the books but they remain, as ever, unread. And for the record your actions are your own responsibility, I dont know if I can hold any forgiveness for someone who cannot admit their own flaws. I admit mine, I admit pushing you into doing some of what you did sometimes. Not intentionally of course but I played my part in making you what you were as you played your part in bringing me to my knees. I've rebuilt my life and have little interest in your endless explainations of why you did what you did, as always with you, you have already come up with several different conclusions.

You going to Sonisphere? A festival? Fucking hell, you do realise there are people there don't you jackass? I'm assuming Sam is dragging you, because he cares about you and knows you need to get out. I can't see you volunteering to go away to a music festival and camp, least of all Sonisphere. I mean, fucking hell. It's just beyond belief. You, you who won't walk to the shop sometimes because you'll see a few people on the treet and start having a panic attack, convinced the 14yr old kids asking you to buy them alcohol are going to knife you on the way home. Well, it's your life. If you are actually becoming a decent person and living normally, good for you but I honestly don't care enough to follow your mediochre exploits into socialising. I'm bitter, but only because you can't leave me alone.

As for the friend and confidant and doing anything for me, cut the bullshit fuckface you couldn't even give me ONE NIGHT of peace. Even when I went away in that last week, to a party in the middle of nowhere, with friends, where there's never any signal, you just kept calling. So I hardly think you'd do anything for me. Ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That of course was the reply in my head. What I actually sent was , truthfully:

31/7 18:25

i've been out, away, etc. not checking messages here often.

And that's all I sent. I'm being honest. Allowing one shred of contact but I will block him if he starts up again or tries tugging at my ankles. I've moved on, very happily so, and all I remember are the bad times with him. Given how they far outweigh the good it's not surprising really. I'll collect the last of my things asap, then shut the door for good. It won't help him to be in contact with me, it will probably be easier on him if he stays angry and hates me. I don't want to be hated but in some cases it's neccessary. I may even have to piss him off a bit. Not what I want to do but it will push him away like a kick in the crotch. Which is always a good Plan B.

BrainVomit - The Video Evidence

2009-07-31T13:39:00.000+01:00

DHIBBS - Durdle Door
Uploaded by Jenivere - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.

DHIBBS 2 Part 1
Uploaded by Jenivere - See more comedy videos.

DHIBBS 2 Part 2
Uploaded by Jenivere - Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

DHIBBS 2 Part 3
Uploaded by Jenivere - Sitcom, sketch, and standup comedy videos.

DHIBBS 3 Part 1
Uploaded by Jenivere - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.

BrainVomit - Change, Duty, Failure and Paranoia

2009-07-31T13:00:00.000+01:00

~~~~~~~Saturday Night - Paradise Lost~~~~~~~

Well I guess it's about time I blogged last weekend before this new one starts! After a week away from being together, the 4 of us in the DHIBBS crew banded back again to roll out. The evening started with me going to Dan's for a little while before we left for the pub. We walked up in the sunshine and I took a couple of shots for the opening of the next video episode. I guess it was a while we were at the pub, talking to people and chilling out with a pint or 2. By the time we left it was gone 9pm and we had to make the first pickup stop at Dan's. Something felt a bit different already though, I don't know how to describe it but it was like the atmosphere between us had changed a little. I brushed it off and went in to help pick up the snacks and booze we'd left there ready for the night.

Setting out on the road, music went on and spirits raised as we headed towards Poole and my house where the rest of the supplies and survival kit was waiting. We did a fairly quick pickup, throwing several sleeping bags and a tent into the boot and picking up a cd of classical music. Now, this may not seem like a fun thing but the music is a selection of famous pieces that have been used in popular films, so the first thing I did in the car was to demand that it be put on track 10 then started filming as it began to play. This made for one of my favourite clips from the whole weekend videos, which was Dan talking pirate to the sound of Ride of the Valkyries!

We were driving in what was now darkness, though it wasn't as late as it felt. The journey was going well with a vague plan to head to Durdle Door again and camp on the cliffs. We got a little lost like before but had a better idea of where we were going now. Marcus spotted a shape in the distance at one point, which turned out to be part of "Camp Bestival" - some kind of music festival like Glastonbury or Download only this one was at Lulworth Castle, just up from the cove and fairly close to our destination. We had a little look at the signs as we went through Lulworth Village and enquired about the camping, but were told the ticket office was closed and wouldn't be open until morning. Zac and Dan were very keen to go back the next day and check it out, but Marcus and I really weren't too bothered especially as we're both so short of money at the moment. Anyway, it was somehow agreed we'd check it out in the morning and drove onwards.

We got to Durdle Door feeling a little tired and more than ready to crack out a few pints and snacks and set up for the night just having fun. Dan and Zac went to get the parking ticket, because last time he had a warning notice for not having one. It wasn't a fine, more a slap on the wrist don't do it again type thing. We had seen you could pay for overnight parking, but it wasn't until we got there that we saw it was £20! Slightly miffed we headed off to Lulworth Cove for some reason, where we literally drove into the carpark and out again after Zac complained about his tyres being shredded on the gravel. I think he was already tired from the driving at this point as we'd been going almost 2hours by my reckoning. We drove off again down a dark road not really knowing where we were going until it was eventually decided to go and find Studland again and just go there. It had been great the weekend before and we just wanted somewhere safe and nice where we knew we could enjoy ourselves.

The rest of the journey got a lot quieter, for once there was no music on and the atmosphere had got a lot more tense since leaving Durdle Door. To be fair, Zac did apologise to all of us saying he was just tired from driving and really wanted to find somewhere and stay put for the night, he was also getting frustrated at having no mobile phone signal to text back some woman or another he was in contact with.

We eventually reached Studland without much further incident, and Zac decided to stay in the car. We left him to it, taking a couple of tents and our sleeping bags out towards the beach along with our supplies. By this time, it sounds a bit bad, but I was desperate to get a drink. It's a horrible feeling of starting out a night, getting a bit tipsy then sobering up again especially when there's a lingering feeling of unease, lost in the dark and desperate to park up and relax.

We had torches this time so the path wasn't as dark, I passed the camera to the guys for some filming as we went up but quickly got very paranoid on the dark paths especially when I was walking slightly ahead then realising they'd dropped right back. I asked them several times, just to stay closer to me and not let me go on so far alone because I was feeling really edgy and sketching out a bit but unfortunately right after I asked and turned around to walk on they just stood there and thought it hilarious when I turned around to see them in the distance behind me.

The laughter stopped when we reached the beach and turned right to see a strange light on the beach. I stupidly turned my torch on it to see if it was a fire or people. I didn't see anything but we hear it was people and as we were all a little uneasy about that we headed left instead. There isn't much beach to the left, but we weren't in any mood or state to find out if the other people were just friendly like us or likely to cause us trouble. We kept quiet until we found somewhere and crashed out on the sand hidden from wherever the others were. It was generally decided that tents were a no right then, but soon after we ended up taking them out and just laying them flat on the sand as groundsheets.

I had bought some rose champagne earlier, not posh stuff but something to celebrate the friendship between us all and the amount of time we'd been doing this. I handed around the plastic wine glasses and poured, thankful to finally be able to enjoy the night even if we were keeping our heads down and cautiously listening for the sounds of the drunks further down the beach. We had some drinks, the champagne and some red wine I'd brought with me as well, and we had some of the snacks too and got warm in our sleeping bags. Eventually, after much relaxed talking and a bit of laughter, we were all so shattered we fell asleep.

When I realised I was falling asleep I thought quickly that at least one of us should stay awake and be on guard in case anyone came down our way, so I asked Marcus to pass over the energy drink. It was in a litre bottle, full, which I'm sure you can imagine is rather a heavy thing. Dan in the middle reached over towards Marcus to take the bottle and pass it over but instead Marcus decided to throw it to an unprepared me. It hit me square in the face, cracking my nose which I then had to clench my teeth and snap back in to place. It was exceptionally uncomfortable, and not how I'd planned my day to be honest. I was worried for a bit that I hadn't cracked it right back straight but we were all so tired and to be fair a tad drunk so I fell asleep again, having not even bothered with the energy drink at all!

~~~~~~~ Sunday - Sleepy Screw Ups ~~~~~~~

Come morning, Marcus and I went through phases of slightly waking up, sitting up, looking over, then going back to sleep again. Dan was out cold, which wasn't surprising since we'd been up since 6am the previous day and he'd done a full day of work. When we woke up properly we left him to sleep on longer and did a little bit of filming until Zac joined us. Zac was on and off asleep through the early part of the morning too so Marcus and I did yet more filming from where we were sat while intermittently talking to Zac. Dan slept through it all, and I even filmed him snoring which will be good for him to see because he keeps denying it!

Eventually, Dan awoke as well, and after a little more filming we all headed back to the car to continue the day. Marcus and I really didn't want to bother with this whole Bestival thing, but Zac and Dan were fairly insistent on going that way so the long drive began again. We got there and made our way in to the car park, only to find that a day ticket alone would be £45, each. With the resounding opinion of "sod that" from all directions we headed back to Poole once more.

We were all on and off asleep in the car, while Zac had radio 1 on for goodness knows what reason but it was utter shite. Nothing the rest of us like. Shame we couldn't have just had one of the many cd's we all enjoy but his car his choice I guess. So anyway, apparently while I was asleep plans were made to go to a shopping type place near Bournemouth called Castlepoint. I had no idea of this so when I woke up assuming we were going to mine for coffee like usual I asked if we could stop at a supermarket so I could get ingredients and cook everyone a big fryup breakfast. Dan was asleep and when we got there he was confused, and turns out he really wanted to stay out at Castlepoint rather than going to a house where he'd most likely just fall asleep again. I felt so utterly crushed at getting it wrong I couldn't stop apologising, but Zac wasn't willing to drive further any more and was insistent on this new plan. I knew this had caused more tension and bad feeling and really could not shake the feeling of just having completely ruined the day in my sleepy desire for bacon.

Dan kept reassuring me it was ok, which is kind of sweet because I know it really wasn't ok at all, but still I got the ingredients to do enough for all of us and went back to the car with it. We got in to my house around 1pm, so I left them to play the PS3 while I cooked. It was a little lonely to be stood in the kitchen alone for half an hour just cooking and trying to do everything that everyone wanted right, but I didn't mind too much because I knew it would be appreciated when it was done and at least they were all having fun and relaxing again. We ate, and had coffee, watching the videos we'd shot and playing a couple of games before it was time to leave. I had to get to the jobcentre the next morning and look after my little sister, so slept exceptionally well.

~~~~~~~ Monday - Manic Morning ~~~~~~~

I went in to the jobcentre just about on time, waited a few minutes before the usual interview. Went over what I've been doing to get a job, changed my address, but they really aren't interested in you as a person just ticking the boxes, they don't even care much for what you've done to seek work as long as they can sign the bit of paper and click your money through then that's that. I went on to meet dad and Kaitlin round the corner, and took her down to the children's place up in the Dolphin shopping centre. I spent a good deal of time being dragged up ramps, through tunnels, down slides and into ballpits before I earned a cup of tea and sat her down with some juice. 5yr olds have such energy! I was texting a good friend and fellow Rocket Minion Alex during this time, sympathising with his work with children - he pointed out it was probably an awful lot easier having one with me than 5! He must have the patience of a saint to deal with 5...

Some more ball games and various adventures later, some of which I managed to let her go on without me and do (she agreed that I could stay out and wait for her rather than being dragged in again) her mum turned up to take her away again. It was nice spending the time with my little sister as I missed a lot of her early years, but it was equally nice to be able to just chill and wander through town on my own for a bit. I went to a few shops, and even tried looking around for some "naughty nightwear". I was texting Laura through the day because it was a little lonely to be shopping alone, and I thought she'd appreciate the Fallout 3 gaming humour with quips about finding naughty nightwear and gaining EXP. I text Dan a couple of times too, and while in the middle of a lingerie store (certainly not somewhere I'm used to going!) he called. This would have been fine if I wasn't half in half out of a corset in the changing room! I think I answered with something along the lines of "you pick a good time to call, I'm in a bit of a...erm...compromising situation in a changing room trying something on right now". A short conversation later and I managed to come out with a little dignity, and a great fitting item which was reduced from £50 to £10! I usually hate spending on clothes but it made me feel good about myself which is rare so I walked out with a smile and just a few odd looks from the cashier. By the time I went home I felt quite satisfied at a good day well spent in the sun.

~~~~~~~ Monday Night - Travels and Tribulations ~~~~~~~

I had plans to go and drop off the rent to my ex landlady that night, which meant a 50 odd mile drive to my old house. After that I went to see Dan with the new Watchmen DVD in hand. I bought it for him while I was in town, I knew he was going to get it from work but when I saw the special edition with the Rorschach face case I had to tell him not to and that I'd get that one instead! I was a little later than I intended to be, but I dropped off the cash and got to Dan's for our movie night, popcorn in hand! I hadn't seen Watchmen yet so I really didn't know what to expect but when I did see it I was more than satisfied with the result. Brilliant film! In return for getting that, he'd bought me Robot Chicken Star Wars 2, which we actually watched first. I was very thankful and happy because I really loved the first one and am quite the Star Wars geek at times!

So, 2 movies later we were tired and had to get up in the morning, but he was insitent on watching a bit of the moving graphic novel DVD he had of Watchmen too. By the time he was done I was already intermittently dozing off, and it wasn't long before we were both fast asleep. Good job really it was so late we needed the rest.

~~~~~~~ Tuesday and Wednesday - Time Flies?... ~~~~~~~

I don't even remember much of what I did Tuesday, I think it was fairly uneventful and not wanting to be clingy I told Dan I was going to pub but didn't make it seem like I was asking to go over or for him to go out or anything. So I ended up going pub anyway just to see the others, only stayed a few hours and then went on home again. Dan had talked about coming to Poole Wednesday so I asked but didn't want to push it because I'm paranoid about being too clingy or annoying. Turns out he didn't end up going and instead had a lazy day at home. I did eventually arrange to go and see him in the evening but felt awkward and paranoid about asking or inviting myself over. We went to the pub together and I stayed over, and it was generally a good evening spent together. I was a bit late though due to rain and putting on 2 sets of waterproofs only for it to stop raining 5mins after I left. Sod's law! We got to pub late but it was still nice to spend a shorter amount of time there. I did get more than a tad tipsy though, no food since lunch plus then a pint of cider and 2 large glasses of red wine, the last of which I had to drink in a rush to catch a lift home with Jamesy who kindly offered us the ride. It was a damn good night and we should have slept more than we did given the early start but oh well!

~~~~~~~ Thursday - Relaxation and Bliss ~~~~~~~

Well, Thursday didn't start relaxed. When I got home I had an hour and a bit before my sister was due to be dropped off for a while to be looked after while her mother went to do some work phone calls. Well it all screwed up when the kid didn't want her to leave, and acted up quite fantastically and ended up having to get back in the car and go home. I tried but I honestly don't know how to handle kids that young very well and there was no reasoning with her. She used her normal trick of lying and insisting on it "mummy said she's going to come in and stay here for 15minutes" then pretending she agreed with something before twisting it, "So you're going to stay here with me then Kaitlin so mummy can do some work?"...."Ok...(pause)....but mummy's staying here too" then she started crying and I just didn't know what to do with her - I'd tried distraction, reasoning, but the truth is she's not used to the seperation yet. She's only young and starting to deal with the anxieties of having parents split up. I can only hope the process won't damage her too much and that she won't remember when she's older. Dad later told me not to take it personally, that it really is just her not dealing with it and it seems to always be difficult for her mum to leave her here, somehow it's different to her if she comes here alone with dad and not to be dropped off. Oh well. At least I haven't heard any more slanderous undertones passed through her from her mother. I'm sure I've ranted about that one before though. Grr.

Anyway, the morning went by with a fair bit of rain and not much else, and I eventually went in to town. I was looking for a hairdressed and did find a few and pick up price lists, then collected a couple of comics for Dan (he's a collector, they're fairly good too, I've started reading over his shoulder sometimes hehe) and headed home. On the walk back I spotted a hairdresser I hadn't seen on the way up and found out their prices were better than any of the others so booked myself in for this very afternoon (in a couple of hours in fact, so I should hurry up with this blog!). It needs a trim and I'll be glad to have it neater.

I went to Dan's last night again, and again we went to the pub together. It was nice, another relaxed one, though we did walk home at intense speeds because we passed a bit of chav related trouble. They were more interested fighting with themselves but we weren't about to take any chances. When we got home, we were on the sofa for a while munching strawberries I'd bought in town and cudling up watching south park. I fell asleep a couple of times because I was so tire,d having walked a good 7 or 8 miles total that day, so he eventually woke me up to go to bed. I was wide awake by the time we got upstairs, and after some...uh...activities, we were just laying cuddled up and I just had the sudden realisation that I was in one of those moments. You know those moments where the world stands still, where everything is silent apart from the sound of the person next to you? It was just sheer bliss, I felt so happy and so utterly relaxed there wasn't even a vague hint of paranoia left. I went to sleep so content I didn't want to get up in the morning but just lay there and never let the moment end.

Unfortunately though this morning we had to get up again, he had to work and I had to go home again, but it just felt so perfect and happy even when parting that I'm still smiling now, several hours later.

Sadly, there won't be any DHIBBS this weekend, or the one after, and the one after that is the big trip when everyone will hopefully be down to spend the night on the beach, and then it's pretty much going to be too cold to carry one. It's a shame, but there's birthdays this month with events to attend, we're doing this saturday alone, and my trip has been long in the planning so I'm looking forward to it. I know the crew will all be there but it won't be the same as just the 4 of us, it'll be so much bigger. In a lot of ways I feel this crazy summer is over, but I'm not too upset about it really. Through the weeks together we've become firm friends, and I don't think we'll lose that. I've found somebody who I actually feel relaxed around, and have no cares in the world, someone who I care about deeply and who cares about me and likes me for who I am in every sense of who I am, even when I'm silly and make mistakes. I talked to him about being paranoid about being clingy and he said not to worry he'll always let me know if he wants space, and I believe him, because tonight he's having a chill night in to himself with some gaming and I think I'll probably do the same. May head to the pub but then I will be out all weekend so not sure if I can be bothered to spend the fuel on it tonight. But still, all my former worries dissolve in the incredible combination of his warm, comforting arms, his gorgeous green eyes and the smile that gives me butterflies.

~~~~~~~ Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Sometimes we are blind, looking in to the sun trying to find our dreams we end up stepping over the edge. Before we know it we're in the clouds, not sure if we're flying or falling but realising we just don't care any more.

BrainVomit - Block, Unblock, Gravity and Art

2009-07-27T08:27:00.001+01:00

I haven't done any creative writing in a while, call it extended writer's block if you will but that's the general idea. I should be writing something of the weekend but I feel like popping this one in first before I launch into the account of our latest adventure. See, last night, Dan spent some time working on his drawings, graphic artists, they do need time to perfect their work...but anyway, I had left the laptop at home so I couldn't start on blogging or anything, so instead I asked for paper and pen with the idea of writing again. I came up with 2 pieces, the first of which is utter crap and may end up just being a few ideas that carry on into something better, the second plays on a few ideas I've had recently and is structured to be a song if ever I find a singer or a band to play it, or even just write the music...Anyway, both of these were fairly rushed, ish, and quite honestly rubbish so feel free to skip to the end, dear reader, and I will not blame you.

~~~~~~~ Art ~~~~~~~

Pain I once thought my only muse,
The greatest inspiration from the tortured mind,
A tired cliche of the troubled poet,
Writing in perfect form, verse and rhyme.

I am no artist,
Paint or clay,
Try as I might,
They will not obey.

Form I once thought was all I need
But music lends such weight to my words.
A sweet melody to echo around,
Colouring the chorus, painting the verse.

I am the writer,
Paper and pen,
The block is broken,
So they meet again.

~~~~~~~ Gravity ~~~~~~~

Freefall, like Newton's apple,
The one thing we cannot control.
Leaning over the edge I wonder,
What waits for me below?

Vertigo kept me back from the top,
But curiosity beats back the fear.
Now I wonder if I'll slip,
And who would catch me if I fall.

Take me back to where I found peace,
Somewhere between the moon and the sea.

Gravity tugging at my sleeve,
Can I stay or should I leave?
Stars are falling to the sand,
Midnight weighs heavy upon this land.

White cliffs I build for myself,
Carving steps into the stone.
The higher you are, they say,
The further you will fall.

Take me back to where I found peace,
Somewhere between the moon and the sea.

Gravity pulling stronger now,
Daring to drag me down.
Rain falls to cleanse the stain,
To drain away my mistakes.

What goes up must come down,
But now I feel so perfectly high.
If I let go, stop holding on,
Will I only hit rocks again?

Take me back to where I found peace,
Somewhere between the moon and the sea.
Take me back to where I found me,
Somewhere I am finally free.

Gravity gripping at my heart,
Did it stop or will it start?
Open arms into freefall,
The gamble to fly or lose it all.

~~~~~~~

The artistic temperament is a funny thing, dear reader, for after writing I do not mind it being read, hence it finds a home here, but then I cannot bear to sit still while someone reads in my presence. I can't sit still and get so horrifyingly self conscious it's almost stupid. I let Dan read when he asked, and I don't think I've ever felt more uncomfortable in the space of one minute. I am an open person, and often pride myself on that mark, but now I feel so terrified of rejection or messing up that I almost just want to close off completely. Ho hum. I also did a small drawing on the bottom of the page, an idea that always fascinates me and the one thing I can actually draw purely because I've doodled it so many times. Apologies for poor quality biro version, and sideways-ness, I will try and get it the right way up later.

Anyway, now I should be off. I need to go to the job centre this morning then look after my little sister for a couple of hours. 15 minutes to smarten myself up into something vaguely resembling presentable and write out the little JSA agreement booklet....sure, it'll be fine. Weekend blog later or tomorrow, that's a promise.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Balance, Happiness and Changed Plans

2009-07-25T07:37:00.002+01:00

Ok, right, I promise to finish this one now and catch right up before the weekend, because it's looking to be another awesome DHIBBS night with all the trimmings. We have an abundance of sleeping bags and tents, I'll get some booze and snacks later and we'll be ready to roll wherever the night takes us! Anyway, back to where I left off. The house party on Thursday was great, then we move on to Friday...

~~~~~~~ Friday 17th - Ducks, Doughnuts and Drizzle ~~~~~~~

Friday, well the first part of it was taken up by catching up on a little sleep. We both needed a bit more and Dan didn't have to work until 2pm so it seemed like the best plan even if it wasn't the most exciting option. So we had a snooze, got up, had coffee and I walked with him to his work then headed up towards Nelson's to meet Wez. I'd suggested we hang out for a day sometime because we were both bored at home a lot of the time and it just seemed to make sense that I go to town on Friday when Dan went to work.

We spent a short while in pub chatting then went down to get some food, because that half a fryup had worn off already and I had some major munchies. I suggested Morrison's, so I could stalk Dan while he was working, but sadly he was nowhere to be seen. I bought some nice cheap croissants and doughnuts as a sort of unhealthy alternative to brunch and we wandered off through the carpark to sit on a bench by the river.

Silly as it seems we had a good laugh just feeding the ducks and gulls that were gathered there, so when we ran out we went back to Morrison's for some more. Dan was there this time so we stayed a short while to talk to him while he didn't have much work to do, and arranged to meet him during his lunchbreak later. Wez bought doughnuts, cookies and bread so we went back down to the river for a while.

After all that we did go for a fairly long wandering through town, looking in every charity shop for a shirt I really wanted, but alas no luck. Instead we went all the way over to Tesco and back across the fields to meet Dan at 6pm. It was a nice day, walking and talking, it did rain a little but not for long which was good. When we were going to meet Dan, Wez called home for his lift back. I think he felt like he'd be a third wheel which is a shame it would've been nice to hang out with both of them for a while. It is a difficult balance to work out, especially when you're in a fairly new relationship it is so hard to enjoy each others company and not distance yourselves from the others there or make anyone awkward. Oh well... I spent a while with Dan then when he went back to work I headed home to chill out before going back to Blannie pub. I didn't stay long because I was meeting Dan from work at 10pm so we could go back and get some rest before the next day, but it was still nice to see everyone and catch up a little.

~~~~~~~ Saturday 18th - Changed Plans and a Perfect Man ~~~~~~~

Saturday was a family do at mum's. My stepdad's 60th and everyone was invited. Dan had the day off work so we'd arranged for him to come with, amazing as we'd only been going out a week and a half by that day but it's just another reason why he's so perfect. We had arranged to be picked up at about 12:30 at Tesco, which is literally out the door and through a gate, but my stepbrother was running a little late. This wasn't too bad a thing when you consider how long it can take Dan to get ready. Hard to believe a guy could spend so much time!

We met Paul and his long term boyfriend Andy in the carpark when they eventually called to say they were there, then had to make a stop at Andy's brother's so he could get his hair done by his sister in law. When we arrived we found we were some of the first to get there, and mum was in the kitchen working her usual magic with a spread of food. Various step-family arrived, and to be honest I didn't know them well, in fact some of them I'd only met once or twice at christmas gatherings so I felt a little awkward at times. Pint of cider helped there I think!

It was a nice day, though on and off raining, and we had barbecue burgers and a few drinks, then my stepdad went to walk the dogs in the evening and mum did the cake for when he got back. It was insane to try and do but she had 60 candles in a huge flat carrot cake and tried to light them all - by the time we got 2/3 done the long lighter had run out and we were frantically using matches, trying not to burn ourselves and watching as the first candle lit burnt down halfway. I was tasked with handing out the champagne when birthday boy got back, then the cake when it was cut. It was brilliant carrot and walnut cake, and the rose bubbly was rather delicious too, but after all that and the food earlier I felt completely stuffed!

We spent a lot of the day sat in the garden talking to who I think are step-cousins or something like that, and it was just so nice. Dan was doing more talking than me, and everyone liked him and approved of him. In fact, when we walked through the door, mum took one look at him and said to me "you've got the wrong one, this chap looks normal!" - a funny joke but with the slight undertone there of approval because at family gatherings my ex would either not attend or sit there and say nothing. He had a bit of an extreme fear of people, social getherings and anywhere outside his house really. Agoraphobia is nothing to be laughed at. Anyway enough about him, Dan was the opposite, confident but not cocky and just generally nice and friendly with everyone. Perfect!

Mum and my half brother David

My stepdad, Dave, blowing out 60 candles on a huge cake.

Dan and I outside at the drinks table.

Watching the candles being lit, wondering if it's contributing to global warming...

Dan and I in the kitchen, looking "normal"

So Saturday night then, well we had planned on the usual DHIBBS night, but we got a message from Zac that he had other plans involving a girl he met in Salisbury. We had already arranged to be dropped off at the pub when we got our lift back so we chilled out there for a while. After a bit, everyone else there decided they wanted to go to the Milldown to carry the night on. We were a bit tired from the day, and as we'd been drinking earlier hadn't had anything at the pub and subsequently sobered up. I was also still in a dress and heeled boots which lead to me having a slight slip in a pothole in the road. I twisted my ankle a little but jarred my left hip and shoulder painfully and we ended up using it as an excuse to leave. I didn't want to ruin the night for Dan but he was more insistent than I was about getting a lift and leaving not long after we got to the Milldown. Being sober isn't as fun when you're around tipsy people who are still drinking and hanging out in a dark park. I think we both felt a bit let down by the lack of DHIBBS too so weren't really in the mood for much.

Dan called his sister to give us a lift home, and I stayed another night with him to the Sunday. It was nice to be able to relax when we got in, I was very grateful to be able to sit down comfy and take off boots - I'm not used to wearing them too often so they can have a habit of rubbing and making my feet rather sore.

~~~~~~~ Sunday 19th - Blissful Balance ~~~~~~~

Sunday we slept in a bit, went in to town to find out when Dan was working Monday and spent the day relaxing. He bought another XBOX360 controller and CoD4 in town and went up to his sister's for a cuppa. He had intended to play some games with her but she had other things to do, so we had tea and coffee with some conversation then got a lift back to leave her to it. Before we left, Dan borrowed a few of her games for us to play when we got in, so we had an evening of gaming and chilling which was just perfect. We pondered going out but we both agreed we'd been out the night before and it's just as nice to be in some nights as it is to go out - a perfect balance.

First of all, we played Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, fantastic! He's a comic fan, and I'm more of a MK girl so we chose the characters correspondingly. I wasn't too good at first and got my ass handed to me but after a short while I was picking up the moves and controls easily and getting in some good wins with Raiden and Kitana. After that we moved on to CoD4. I had great fun, being the more experienced player here, and even switched from my usual run and gun tactics to outsniping the sniper on his favourite maps.

When he got a bit bored of being beaten, we went on to Left4Dead. I have been in love with this game since I first played it on the top of a bus on a PC at the Leipzig Games Convention last year, but hadn't played it since. We played through co-op on the story where you are trying to find the airport. So many amazing moments! The first time I saw a tank I ended up screaming a quiet warcry and unloading an entire clip or 2 of assault rifle rounds into its head before it died. The first witch we came across got disturbed by one of the 2 AI controlled characters and killed Dan, leaving me with little health when it was dead to go and find him. Boomers puked and hordes piled in on top of us, but together we beat them back.

The AI were incredibly irritating though. One time, we saw a witch in the distance and had a plan. I stood next to Dan and trained my sights on her ready to shoot at a second's notice, he had the plan to throw a bomb to damage and wake her then we'd fire and hopefully take her down before she reached us. Well, that was a great plan until just after he threw the pipe bomb, one of the AI ran right in to my line of fire so I couldn't get a shot off at her. Stupid artificial "intelligence".

The other classic moment was in the baggage handling room of the airport. We could hear a tank but couldn't see where it was until Dan poked his head through a small hole in the wall and saw the bastard. It ran towards this really small hole in the wall, and we were shooting thinking it'd be fine, it could never make it through a hole that small...well, we were wrong. I ended up running backwards facing forwards with the tank coming straight after me unloading clip after clip into its mangled head, desperately reloading until it went down at my feet. Epic.

We completed the level and moved on to some Army of Two, which wasn't bad but it washardly special. We didn't have enough memory to save though, so when the system rebooted itself we just couldn't be bothered to do the whole tutorial all over again. By this time, it was getting fairly late into the night so we decided to get some sleep as Dan had to work the next day. Admittedly not until later but still needed some rest and I was fairly tired too. Such a good night though, finding that balance between going out and staying in and knowing we could have as much fun together either way. Perfect!

~~~~~~~ The Week ~~~~~~~

There really wasn't much interesting in the early part of the week. Dan was working and I was staying home making videos from DHIBBS and getting them online. We had a good few games of Metal Gear Online with some of the minions one evening, which was meant to be a special game for Alex but it turns out he was going out or something and I was tired so only played for an hour - sorry guys!

Wednesday night I went sailing with Dad, not much worth mentioning, it was a fairly breezy day so I was out on the trapeze while the boat leaned further and further out of the water in the strong gusts, but no injuries this time! We came 5th out of 15 in the race which was fairly good, and I had fun with Dad which is the most important thing really. After that I had decided to go down to pub see what was happening, I had no idea that Dan would be there in fact I thought he'd probably be at home, but then he didn't have work Thursday so went out instead.

He was surprised to see me, despite the fact I'd sent a message to tell him I was going pub if he was around, but I think it was a nice surprise. We went to his sister's that night and stayed there instead. We were up fairly late though with her and Tristan playing Rock Band. I played drums for the first time on medium and got 89%! I kept forgetting which thing I was hitting sometimes and the pedal, but didn't do too bad apparently. We played some CoD4 as well with all 4 controllers, and I can safely report I wiped the floor with the lot of them :) sniping, knifing, running and gunning, I won all matches apart from 1 where Dan only just beat me by a couple of kills. Incredible fun but I think I win a prize for being most hated!

Thursday morning we woke early to Dan's nieces, bless them. One's 8 the other's 5, both girls and both full of energy in the summer holidays. After a few hours keeping them amused while Dan's sister slept in, we left to go to Poole/Bournemouth with Zac. I didn't know they'd made plans beforehand to do this but they were happy enough for me to join anyway. We started by going in to Poole to go to the comic store for Dan and a few other places. We had a quick pasty from Greggs too which served as a fair enough breakfast!

When we were done in Poole we moved on to Bournemouth and sat in the sunshine in the park with ice cream. Zac left for a while and went his own way, we both felt a bit bad because he was being more of a 3rd wheel again despite driving us down there and us both enjoying his company as well. It's even more difficult to juggle the 3rd wheel effect when the 3rd person also has completely different interests and would rather go clothes shopping when all you want to do is go to Game, bookshops and the odd music shop.

The good thing was though that we did meet up again, and though we briefly seperated after that we generally stuck together all having a giggle and ending up in a couple of shops to suit everyone's taste. Dan and I went in to Game as well, because I saw a sign for staff wanted, but then we got distracted by Guitar Hero Metallica. I wanted to try out some more drumming, but standing up didn't help. I lost concentration a couple of times and accidentally hit the stand instead of the kit! When we turned around though there was a cute little kid watching us in awe. We did try to get Zac there to play the bass, but sadly it seemed like the connection on it was broken, so we turned around and handed the plastic axe to our little fan who looked like he'd just been given a real guitar by his heroes, bless his little cotton socks we were only playing on medium!

Still, Thursday night came around and we were invited to Dan's friend's housewarming, a small gathering in their new flat. We went over a bit late, and didn't stay long, but again had some fun gaming there. They had a PS3, and were playing MotorStorm. I'm not usually that good at racing games but after watching 2 of the guys fail one ticket badly (it was a bike race, and they were dreadful) I took up the controller and won an easy 2nd place to earn him the next race. We didn't play for long, because after the Wii went on with MarioKart and a couple of the guys enjoyed some old school balloon matches on there. We went straight back after that, Dan had agreed to let me stay over if I could make sure he was going to get up and be at work by 7am. Early shifts are a bitch.

Friday morning I went on home, and caught up with the blog I posted yesterday as well as spending a good portion of time watching the entire first series of Spaced on DVD. Time well spent, but spent all the same! I did go over to Dan's in the evening, as I mentioned then, and we played some more games. I was a fairly even match for him now on MK vs DCU, but still mopped the floor with him on CoD4. He was tired after a while and we went downstairs for a coffee. We agreed I'd go pub for a couple of hours while he got some rest there, then he was going to let me back in if I sent him a message when I was outside. Worked out fairly well, except his coffee kicked in while I was out and he was still awake and reading when I got there. We planned on sleep again with an early start for him, but ended up not sleeping until nearly 1am!

For once, this morning, I was the one who found it hard to wake up. We were warm and cuddled and it made no sense to leave that...but, well, I had to get up and he had to work so I'm now back home, finally caught up on blog and ready to finish videos and prepare for DHIBBS tonight.

Oh and one thing I forgot to mention, when I turned up yesterday I was led upstairs then told to put my hands out and close my eyes. Bless him, he'd been to town and bought me one of the Star Wars comic compilations. The Sith War, the 3rd in the compilation series following the stories of Exar Kun, Ulic Qel Droma and Nomi Sunrider, was one I'd already read but greatly loved. I will have to get the others so he can read them. As he said to me, it's where our 2 passions meet in the middle. His love of graphic novels and comics and my love of Star Wars. Not that I don't like graphic novels and he doesn't like Star Wars, that's far from true, but we each have our area of expertise and geekdom which in these we can share. If he gets any more perfect I'm sure I'll wake up and realise this isn't real because nothing so good could be true, right?

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day ~~~~~~~

Balance, trust and communication are the 3 most important things in a relationship. Without one the whole thing falls apart, but keep all three and you're on a road to heaven paved with gold.

BrainVomit - House Party of Awesomes

2009-07-24T07:58:00.007+01:00

Well fine, I admit, I've been rubbish at keeping up with this. While friends like RocketMinx over there manage to write almost daily I'm lucky if I remember to keep up weekly! This is well overdue and I apologise, dear reader, because that means as usual it'll be a long one to cover a huge amount of ground. I don't want to forget anything, because this will still hopefully be here in years time so I can look back and laugh at my mistakes, remembering all the lessons life teaches me day to day.

So where to start? Well I left off last with some negative so this will be 99.99% positive - promise! I'm going to go right back now to last Thursday, to Steve's partay.

~~~~~~~ Thursday 16th - Party Time! ~~~~~~~

This story begins in the afternoon of Thursday. I'd completely forgotten when Dan finished work and had been busy doing...well bugger all. So when he rang asking what time I'd be at his suggesting he finished at 4pm, I realised just how little time I had left and did everything in a rush! I told him I'd aim to be there between 5pm and 7pm, but it took me longer than I thought because of a stack of washing up and some cleaning that needed doing before I could leave. Dad was expecting company so I offered and had to make good on that once I had promised to help. So I left at about 6:20pm with the intention of quickly getting cash out, topping up on fuel and getting some fresh oil in too. This buggered up immensely when there was a lack of 2-stroke (motorbike) oil in the first 2 garages I looked in. The 3rd had some and I got topped up, which was much needed I was almost out, and got back on the road.

It was a particularly damp evening. I say damp....I was wearing waterproof overtrousers and my leather jacket. By the time I got most of the way there the jacket was soaked through, a lot of the water had run off the overtrousers and on to my boots which were feeling cold and decidedly soggy too, and puddles were forming inside my sleeves. When I arrived at Dan's, late and freezing, I straightened my arms and water literally ran out of the sleeves. His mum met me at the door so I hung up my wet things in the porch so they could drip dry. She had made dinner for everyone, including me, so I quickly changed top because my shirt too was soaking and put on some clean dry jeans and thankfully sat down to a hot meal.

In the meantime, poor Dan had got worried about my lateness and called my dad to see if I was ok and find out when I left. Bless him, dad gave him a bit of a joking guilt trip for dragging me out in that weather! They both know a bit of rain won't stop me, it's only water after all.

So anyway, by the time we eventually left Dan decided to take a taxi, probably a good idea seeing as he had no clue of the place we were going! We gave the guy the address and turned up a little late to be greeted by Steve, his dog, and a rather drunk Marcus. We went around and saw who was there, saw the genius that was a gazebo type tent thing just outside the door for the smokers and the BBQ, and after a while sat down inside on a chair together.

The whole night was pretty fantastic, there was music and I think somewhere BBQ food - but it's a good job we were fed previously because we didn't see any of that! We had a few drinks but nothing much, some people were getting a fair bit trashed but nobody was causing issues at all. Marcus and Lexy were wandering around with a clear bucket full of "shitmix" - I'm fairly certain this cocktail contained some of the 85% proof Absinthe (which earlier had been passed around in the form of flaming shots), beer, lager, cider, orange juice and whatever else they found as they went around handing out cupfuls of it to unsuspecting drunkards.

I think in the whole night only 2 people got ill, which as amazing considering, and everyone was happy to come inside and keep noise down at 1am. By 1:30am, Dan had fallen asleep. We were on a particularly comfy chair, and Steve came over and reclined it for us, so bless after working the early shift that morning the poor boy was tired, cuddled up to me and went to sleep. The only problem with this is how hard he is to wake up! When it came to 2am Steve was asking people to leave apart from whoever had arranged to stay. Dan had mumbled about getting a taxi back but as he was so tired and, well, unconscious, Steve said we could stay too.

Surprisingly, a lot of people had to be at work early so alarms were set for 6am. I think most of us went to sleep around 3am eventually, so 6 came around far too quickly. I went back to sleep until around 7:30am, then woke up and was talking to Steve and Marcus as they gathered cans and glasses. I would have been more help but unfortunately I was fairly trapped on the chair, it didn't seem to take long for them to get straightened up anyway, because everyone had been so good about the whole night and nobody had been a twat. Only one or 2 people had been sick, and they'd managed to do it in the toilet so that was not too bad, though it did absolutely reek of it still in the morning.

As we were the only ones left alongside Marcus who'd brought his own, Steve offered us a fried breakfast. Well, it was one of those microwave ones from Tesco, and he only had 2 left so we shared it between us and had a coffee. It took waving bacon in his face and un-reclining the chair to get Dan up but we woke him eventually. We looked at some of the pictures I'd taken and by 9am we left to go home and back to bed. Dan went to sleep again for an hour or so before getting up for work, bless, he was so tired! I didn't mind the extra too before going in to town to meet Wez.

Well I guess I should post some of the pictures, and explain as well! Steve had said it was a naked party, but, well, nobody really felt like getting naked especially not the girls! Most of the guys at some point got topless, and April swapped shirts with Ed at one point too which made for a fantastic photo. Steve wore some of Sue's shirts too which just made for some of the best pictures of the night! Well, see for yourself. Oh and there's also a brilliant reaction shot of Wombat trying "Wine in a Can" - my catchphrase of the night and a truly terrible beverage!

Ok confession time. I've been half watching the entire first series of Spaced today. I thought, you know, I'll make bacon and egg sarnie for breakfast and watch one episode, but I sort of a little bit accendentally pressed play all... Was planning on finishing blog and going to Bournemouth, but now looking at potential of quick shower then in to town to pick a couple things up, and on to Blandford. Was planning on pubbing but then got the tiniest of hints... "hey hope you made it home ok, im still tired lol, want to go back to bed with you, if you get the comics, you could always come to mine first for a gaming sesh before going to the pub, up to you Xxx" then 5mins later "ps i finish at 3 today" - well it looks like I'll go for some gaming but fear not I'll be posting the inevitable record of my win as soon as I catch up here :D Ahh irony, as I write I get a call - "so do you fancy coming down this afternoon then?" Oh alright, if you're going to twist my arm :) would have suggested it myself but, you know, I'm paranoid and don't want to be a pain in the ass girlfriend who keeps wanting to see him when he has other things to do :) away with me! To town!

Nobody was harmed in the making of this blog, except this guy.

Jenivere Out

BrainVomit - Yet More Messages and Screwed by the System

2009-07-20T18:49:00.000+01:00

Ahh another good few days to cover and a couple of free hours to do it in before my lil sis arrives for the evening. Maybe I'll have to stop halfway and finish when she goes to bed, though not entirely sure she's staying tonight. Well on with it anyway, a lot has happened since I last wrote!

~~~~~~~ The Good, The Bad and The Downright Irritating ~~~~~~~

I'm going to start with the negative just to get it out of the way. First off is yet more messages from the ex. It's starting to scare me now that he's becoming completely obsessive about this and I may need to get his family involved just to make him back off, but there are still some things of mine at his house that I cannot abandon - my cd player, a rug which was a gift, my pc which was also a gift, and the tv remote which is bugging me not having. Maybe even the HDMI cable for the PS3 but I was going to buy a new one asap anyway for £10.

So anyway the latest messages, after the one on thursday when I last wrote are as follows... Oh and in brackets are just things I'm tempted to reply with, but of course I haven't replied. Dear reader don't be afraid to chip in - is he completely obsessive now or am I imagining things?!

16/7 || 2:41pm (half an hour after last message)
jen.... i know weve been through hell.. i know we damaged each other but i miss you dearly. I'm sorry for the pain i caused and im sure you dont see the 4 years we were together as happy now. But for me they were the only thing in my life that went right. i was never one to believe in fate but i honestly believed you were my soulmate... im so sorry i let everything fall apart. without you my life has gone to hell... and i cant cope any more.

16/7 || 2:43pm
there was alot that i did wrong that i cant justify but i still want explain why it happened

(Fucking right you can't justify, jackass, and I know exactly why so save it for someone who gives one because I don't.)

16/7 || 2:54pm
you really are the only person that has given a damn about me enough to try to help me. i keep looking back on everything and i miss it so much...... even down to your 5 day insomnia where you told me id be your luitenent against the pineapples in the sky... things ended badly but i still remember you as the closest friend ive ever had

(That memory was years ago, and what did you do when I tried to help? Exactly. Dickhole.)

16/7 || 4:49pm
i love you so much jen

(Tough shit. It was months ago. You're obsessed.)

16/7 || 7:06pm
nothing or no one had meant anything close to what youve meant in my life. you mean everything to me and i hate myself for making so many horible mistakes. you are my entire world.

(I'm not yours!)

17/7 || 11pm
jen i think i saw your mum today at the doctors. She wasn't looking to well. Is she ok? it got me kind of worried.

(Don't think I'm replying just because you are acting all concerned about my mother. You think I don't know? She has a sinus infection and now has antibiotics. She's fine.)

18/7 || 6:24pm
I know I probably mean nothing to you anymore... but you still mean the world to me. since the day i met you youve only become more and more important to me.

(Since the day you met me you've only become more and more obsessed and reliant on me. But I'm gone. You treated me like shit and I left, months ago, now I'm living my life, enjoying it, and sharing it with someone a million times better than you were or ever will be.)

And for the other negative? Well it seems someone is so unwilling to accept their own flaws, of which we are all guilty myself included, that they are presumably taking what I previously wrote exceptionally badly and kicking back by deleting me from Facebook. Well, whatever, you carry on the childish games I'll carry on writing whatever the fuck I like right here because it's my blog, my thoughts, and if you want to read it and take it as a personal fucking assault then you just go ahead and do that. I must need to eat more fiber or take some ex lax because no matter how hard I try I just can't give a shit about what you think. Maybe that's my flaw, maybe it's my failing that I felt the need to rant about you and not hide that fact but I don't care, I accept my flaws and try to find ways to get past them and better myself in the process. Maybe you should do the same. If I wanted to insult you personally I would go ahead and do it to your face. I don't have a problem with you, I'd like to be your friend, but I'd really like to see you better yourself, or just accept the apology and swallow your pride enough to admit we were BOTH wrong.

Well I just had a charming email to tell me my Uni application is now in clearing. I have failed to get in to either course when I'm 10 FUCKING POINTS SHORT on UCAS! Pissed off. Actually, no pissed off. Crushed, utterly crushed. I wanted this so badly, I wanted to actually be able to help people to use my life to make a difference in other people's lives. I might just get in through clearing if there's places after 20th August when they're released but if not the only option is to try and find then fund college to get some more A levels. I should really be spending time with my little sister right now but it's actually so hard to keep myself together I just can't cope with a hyperactive 5yr old.

Oh good. Lovely. Perfect. Dad came in with Kaitlin to sort out pizza, I really tried to hint I didn't care what was ordered and they shouldn't be there but on she picked up on my mood and started crying. Didn't help that dad mentioned it and told her I was sad and why I was. Couldn't he have left be? She doesn't need to know I'm unhappy when she's already half scared of me because she hasn't seen much of me when she was growing up and her mother is poisoning her against me. I'm not being paranoid, I think I ranted before she told Kaitlin not to listen to what I tell her to do or not to do. Good going genius, let's see how that works out when I have to tell her not to do something dangerous. Anyway. I have a few minutes now. Thank fuck they've gone to get the pizza. This is possibly my only chance to just let it out and belt it back up again and paint on a smile.

Enough of that, positive to follow later. As you can imagine, I'm not in the right frame of mind to blog about party, awesome as it was, and weekend, awesome as that was too. Later. Pictures too. Promise.

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~

You never quite know how much you want something until it's pulled out of reach.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Another Message...

2009-07-16T13:57:00.003+01:00

I've had another message. To add to those previously unwanted ones. I must have been having an off day yesterday to let it get to me because today I don't feel quite as put out by it. Still...

~~~~~

fine, its good to know that all i did for you over the 4 years is worth something. i was a fool to trust you when you told me that you would always be there for me. i wish yould never followed me out of that music room and tried to help me. the damage youve caused because of that outweighs all of the things in my life put together. you are the only person i ever trusted and you gave me the only 4 years of my life that were happy. i was looking forward to a future with you....

~~~~~

Ok. Right. whatever you say assface. Let's look at this. What did you really do for me over 4 years? You spent my money, stopped me living my life, told me my friends hated me and nobody would ever love me, convinced me I was crazy and you were the only thing keeping me together, kept me under your thumb only doing what you wanted when you wanted, tried and indeed in some ways succeeded in changing me and moulding me into what you wanted me to be, became an alcoholic bastard pushing me to drinking too and nearly destroyed both of us.

Yes. Of course. That was worth something. It was worth moving on from and never going back to. So I told you I would always be there for you. Well you told me you'd never hurt me. We were both wrong. You said you'd always be there for me too and never stop me being who I wanted to be or doing what I wanted to do but on my 21st birthday you called me a slut and demanded that I change what I was wearing or pin it up and prevented me from having fun with my friends because of your own goddamn insecurities.

You trusted me, I trusted you, you shattered that trust and any help I tried to give you was constantly thrown back in my face. You didn't want to be helped. I shouldn't have followed you that day but I wouldn't leave a person to suffer, it's just who I am. I have learned from you that not everyone can be helped. You're a lost fucking cause to still be tugging at my ankles after months apart like some kind of sick puppy.

Bullshit the damage I caused is worse than that, get a grip. I left you for good reason and we were falling apart. You know fulwell the most damage was done when you lost someone dear to you and your parents split up leaving you with intense abandonment issues, oh and your ex before me but then you never did get around to telling me that you left her first right after you got your first shag and bragged about it. I don't blame her for fucking you over after that one. If you'd tried that on me, you would have been hospitalised for a long time, buddy, a fucking long time, having your bollocks pulled back down from where they'd been kicked up into your gut.

Happy 4 years? Are you fucking kidding me?! You were an angry and depressed and for the last 2 years alco-fucking-holic too - that's happy?! Stop talking out of your arse I've never heard such bullshit in my life. Even when you were happy, like going out once every blue moon, I'd never hear the end of how shit it was as soon as we got back. You're one problem I could have done without. I don't believe the spin you're trying to put on this. Fuck off, grow up, and get a life. I have my own and I'm living it the way I want now, not under someone elses rules.

That feels better.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Booze Glorious Booze and Ready for the Day

2009-07-16T10:51:00.002+01:00

Ok, I admit. Last night I might have got a little bit overly stressed, and may have lashed out a fair bit, but to be fair I stopped replying until another reply was sent unprovoked by somebody who couldn't let it drop. That's why I blame them for winding me up, that and they seem to be picking exactly the things to say that would piss me off to make me look angry and foolish. Well ok, I was both, but in the end, after time and cooling off, did I not apologise? I believe I did. And it was ignored. The very same ego I mentioned before shows itself once again by not acknowledging any fault even when blame was shared evenly with an honest apology and wish to stop the bad feelings. Even ground, it's not like one party being entirely at fault, it takes 2 to tango. So you know what? Whatever. Until you can grow up and accept a little responsibility for your own actions and words, and the way they can make other people feel, which really seems beyond you given past happenings as well, you can just carry on and I'll leave you to it. Rant over.

So anyway, last night I was a bit frustrated over various things, with other things adding in to the mix. I found that the very best idea I had all night was to just grab myself a lukewarm pint of Magners (none had been put in the fridge yet, fail) and chill the fuck out with some music. I spoke to a very good and trusted friend briefly too which helped, bless her she's an absolute saint and always listens and understands, I hope she knows I am here if ever she needs the same, or anything really I'm just here.

Today...right now...what the frick am I doing? Well I'm sat on my bed writing a blog and doing facebook quizzes. What should I be doing? Finishing unpacking, making a video of DHIBBS and having a bath ready to go out later. Well, we can't have it all, can we.

You know for the first time, like, ever, I'm at a dilemma for what to wear today - jeans and tshirt or skirt and tshirt? Normally the choice isn't hard, but somehow it's different when you want to look your best for someone. I could go off the wall and wear something feminine, or actually nice, but I don't want to give anyone a heart attack from the shock. Seeing as I've put on half a stone in the last 2 weeks (my weight goes up and down so much I can't keep track of it) I think the tie-up shirts are out of the question....could get away with skirt and tshirt...think that'll do. Now which tshirt....hmmm.... Duck Hunt tshirt and red skirt, Doc Martens and possibly fishnets and a nicer top under the tshirt if I feel brave. Bingo. And that took, what, 2minutes? 120seconds? How does it take some people so long to get ready?! Bath later, hair in bun with red headband and the infamous hat which should now be clean from the bird incident. Sorted.

I should stop writing at the speed I think and just get on with it, one last load of washing and a bit of tidying and this room will be a palace of awesome. Pics and or video when I'm done.

~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~

Life changes when someone else walks in to it, suddenly all these little things you think of alone you want to share with that one who shares your mind.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Call of Duty Madness Warfare and an Untimely Headache

2009-07-15T20:44:00.002+01:00

I love Call of Duty 4. You could even say I'm obsessed with it. So tonight, my one evening in this week where I have free time to play, I tried to organise a bit of a game between buddies. I go on a little early to make sure my new headset works, and get invited straight in to a game hosted by someone else. Awesome, sure. But then there's a few things I notice very quickly.

Firstly, they made team games when the numbers were uneven - not something that usually works well because it's unfair to the team with less players. And secondly, well, let's put it this way when I host sometimes I set different rules to make it a bit more interesting and stop it being just the same old same old. Every time I do, I clearly ask anyone if they have preferences, nobody ever says "don't do this" or "how about that", but they nearly always complain when we start the match. BUT then when someone else is hosting and makes up ridiculous rules suddenly it's the best thing ever and everyone's going batshit about how awesome it is.

13 people on a free for all on shipment, old school rules and headshots only, with the added rule of jumping constantly? If I'd suggested that it'd be mutiny! It was fairly fun though, apart from the constant fucking airstrikes did my head in after a while and someone thought it would be a great idea to set the score limit high and no goddamn timer. Good going, genius, that could have ended a lot sooner than it did. 20minutes of any one match is too long! 15 is a good maximum though the 10min standard is all you need for a good fair game, not too long and enough time to get a good round in.

And then afterwards it was a team game, again with uneven teams, but search and destroy? Come on! What's the point?! That many people it was just a sodding killing spree with the addition of some poor bastard trying to pick up a bomb now and then. Uneven teams and people using Juggernaught and Martyrdom...great... So I suggest going to some team deathmatch if we're doing team games, I mean by that point it really was useless trying to get the bomb let alone plant, guard or defuse the fucking thing. But no, my suggestion was met with mockery. My stress level was just peaking at that point from the earlier stresses and the frustration of constantly spawning on the wrong side of the map, sprinting over and being killed before I could even round a corner.

Sure it's what the game is about but it gets old quickly when you're not concentrating and keep dying. So I quit. No warning, I mean why bother I doubt anyone would give a shit I dropped out anyway. My mind is now just too full and spinning from today to even try again. Console off, may put it on for some music soon but for now...I just need to get my head back straight because I am not dealing with the pressures in it right now. And to think today started so well...I can't wait for tomorrow. Supposed to be going to some dude's party in Blandford but all I want to do is see Dan and remember how it is to actually relax. I wish we were on a beach somewhere right now just watching the sunset, it's such a beautiful night.

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Unwanted Messages

2009-07-15T14:31:00.004+01:00

I've been getting messages on my PSN from my ex. Unwanted messages. I replied to one, once, just before I picked up my stuff but no other...I'll copy them here to give me a bit of clarity because they're really bugging me.

~~~his messages~~~

23/6
Hi, can we meet up and talk? I understand if you dont want to... I dont know what else to say so ill just say im sorry for bothering you.
Dean

25/6
i can understand if you dont want to see me but you could have at least answered my message. i just want to sit down somewhere quiet like a cafe and talk things over. we dont even have to talk face to face, we both have msn. please think about it.

25/6
im sorry if i sounded pissed off earlier. truth be told its just that i miss your company alot right now. you are the closest friend ive ever had and pretty much the only person ive ever been able to confide in and relate to... i just miss what we had... im sorry.

~~~my reply~~~

26/6
Hadnt been online. Trouble with connecting ps3 to net and have been away and out a lot, moving house etc. Will think about it. No promises though. Am out all this weekend anyway, Clouds reunion tomorrow and then clubbing/beach after with the guys and girls from Blandford. Pretty busy next week too tbh, jobcentre and uni app to do. Must sort day to collect stuff too but that will not be a day for talking.. will let you know. PS could you give me your dads email add please, thanks.

~~~his replies~~~

27/6
$%&£*$^*"#~"~£$@hotmail.com.....i think.... Thankyou for thinking about it at least... i dont mind waiting if you've got a lot going on. Dean

27/6
I take it you know what it is i want to talk to you about?

3/7
Hi not trying to push as I dont mind waiting but I was just wondering if you thought about or were at a conclusion yet? you know what I want to talk about right?

5/7
jen im not sure if youve got the other message yet but i really need to talk to you. i dont mean to put pressure you but there is alot i have to explain and alot i need to say. im sure you know what its about so im hoping your willing to listen. please get into contact with me one way or the other.

5/7
I've realised why I made all the mistakes i did and I cant express how sorry I am..... I tried to do the best for you i could for 4 years please dont just forget me...........

15/7
please respond jen. i may have screwed up but i dont deserve this. i miss you so much. my memories torment me and im falling to pieces because of it. you were my world..... the only person i could trust or cofide in, the only stability ive ever had in my life. i still cant believe youve dont this to me. i would have done anything for you............

~~~~~~

Maybe it's a conscience lingering, maybe it's pity, but I keep thinking I should reply now but the twisted thing is the last thing I want to do is get in contact with him again. Dear reader if you have read the history written many a blog page ago you will know why. Do I accept the apology or take the implied guilt in the last 2 lines of that message? That's the thing, he is still in my head because he knows how to make me feel guilty and twist me into believing I'm wrong. But I'm not. I'm right. He does deserve nothing more than my silence....but I can't break that nagging feeling....it's impossible. Just when things started to go so well, it's all gone pear shaped.

I know it seems easy from the outside to say well just talk to him and see what he wants or block him, but it's not that simple, this guy pretty much had control over me for 4/5years and that's not an easy thing to break. Why can't he just disappear and live his life happy and normal for fuck's sake....

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - When Things Can't Get Better Then They Do

2009-07-15T09:32:00.002+01:00

I think you, dear reader, know what I'm about to write about from just the title now. I know, I know, I only finished the last entry last night BUT since then...well....let's just say there's nobody around but I just broke out into a big smile and a little "yay" just a moment ago. I'm happy. I'm so happy I'm starting to think I'm dreaming.

Last night, Dan was on msn for a while with a late shift today he figured he had the time to stay up and talk and catch up on facebook etc. Well I am really believing he's not real now because just when I think he's amazing enough he goes and says or does something even better!

~~~~~in his words~~~~~

~Made it through another, good excuse to celebrate~ says (23:52):
im listening to what im saying is our 'song' altho you probs havent realised it, but ive played it every time you've been round mine

foo fighters 'still'

'If you'd like to walk a while
We could waste the day
Follow me into the trees
I will lead the way

Bring some change up to the bridge
Bring some alcohol
There we'll make a final wish
Just before the fall

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

there be the lyrics

~~~~~wow~~~~~

~~~~~just wow~~~~~

It makes me even more annoyed that I kept blacking out over the laptop. Sore neck and missing conversation for the extreme fail! But still I keep on thinking how just right this all is. When I was starting to get paranoid that I was being too clingy or annoying he sends me a message saying he can't wait to see me Thursday, out of the blue. He is happy to be meeting my family on Saturday and even said he would have missed a friend's wedding for it because he'd rather be with me! Well I'd encourage against that and I don't think the wedding is for a while yet so I'll force him to go but still the sentiment is not what I'd have expected in a million years!

He also said the other day amongst other compliments I still can't get used to that I have an infectious smile. I couldn't help but make a terrible joke - "what so I'm diseased now?" - but it was just so nice....I really can't describe any of it, just unbelievable really. I never imagined I could meet someone with so much in common who works on such a similar wavelength they're already finishing my sentences and getting every little obscure reference I drop in to conversation...

In other news, Minx is back today. With both her and JB back in the country the Rocket Minions are once again complete, and seeing as those 2 are the pair I talk to the most I am happier, adore them both, adore the rest of the Minions too but Laura and John are probably the 2 that know me best. Other than Stew of course, but we just don't talk any more...ho hum... On with the games!

~~~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~~~

You're like a drug, you relax me and heal me, you have a side effect of making my face muscles twitch into a smile and I think I'm already addicted to the buzz of each little dose. Is it time for my medication yet?

Jenivere Out.

BrainVomit - Studland Beach and Broken Poles!

2009-07-14T12:01:00.002+01:00

I'm not in the mood to sit and write to be honest. I'm really restless. Maybe because I need to sit and just write but who knows?! I certainly don't right about now. Oh well. So where were we? Well last time I wrote it was a Friday night and I was going to get some rest ready for the Saturday ahead. And that Saturday...well...what a night!

We started as usual in the pub around 9pm. I got there half an hour earlier to see who was about, turned out a few people were there so I sat about, chatted a little, and waited for the crew to turn up. Dan arrived at about half past 9 or thereabouts and Zac wasn't far behind. Marcus had been there all along so we were ready to roll!

We headed straight out to Poole and on to the ferry for Studland. When we got there Zac wanted to find a proper campsite this week so he drove us around towards Swanage looking for one. My thoughts were confirmed when we arrived at one and found it was well and truly closed - I did doubt anywhere would be accepting new guests that late at night! Still, we got out and stretched our legs, did a quick bit of film of Marcus and Dan doing a pretty damned awesome Jay and Silent Bob and got back in to move on.

We ended up just driving back down to Studland beach. The signs said no overnight parking and no camping, but seeing as there was a campervan parked up there with people in we decided to ignore all that and parked up right behind before going to scout out the beach. It was empty, though the paths down there looked creepy in the dark, especially seeing a little kid's swimming costume hanging ominously on a fence. Rather than leaving people behind this time we all headed back to the car to grab the gear. It had been raining, and though it was a dry spell we were fairly sure it would again so got the tents ready to go.

We wandered down towards the dunes and found a nice spot slightly tucked away so we'd get a little shelter from the wind but still with a good view along the coast. Zac and Marcus got to work right away setting up their tent, Dan and I were having a laugh first so when we were halfway pitched the rain had already started up again. We put the 2 tents door to door, and seeing as our porch pole was broken we tied it across to join the 2 in the middle. The wind was pretty gusty and the rain did start to come down quite hard so we bundled inside, Zac in one tent with Marcus halfway in the doorway, Dan and I having the other tent to ourselves.

We got comfy, or as comfy as possible, and sat for a while talking and drinking Mickey Finns, a strong flavoured spirit like sour apple shots. Rather tasty if a little strong! After a while of talking together, Dan and I closed the door for some alone time. Well I had said that morning we got together that taking it slow was fine but well it had been a while and it just felt right all night so we ended up in a fairly nice situation in the tent until it was realised neither of us were prepared.

Now here, dear reader, is a tale of woe to never ever ever be seen outside the comforting walls of this blog. I know it's rather public to post here but you know I am always honest and I don't think I can really leave this one out as it's a part of the epic weekend that we will never forget.

Basically, we were unprepared as we hadn't planned to get to that stage that night, but you know things happen how they happen for a reason and it felt right. Dan knew Zac kept some in his car, and after a lot of back and forth between us and despite my last second protest he shouted across asking if he could borrow the car keys. When the others realised why Marcus started giggling and Zac was declining to relinquish the keys. Dan was already dressed again and ready to brave the cold, wind and rain just to go there and get it, which is dedication right there, but Zac really wasn't giving up his keys that easy. Eventually though he agreed to go himself. By this time I was so redfaced with shame I had to have a few more drinks to take the edge off the sober embarassment while Marcus giggled from the other side of the tent door.

You know it's not so bad doing something when other people are nearby if they don't know what's going on, even though you know they probably have figured it out you don't know that for sure so it's comforting. It's a very different matter when they know exactly what's going on and you know they know, and they've even got involved in making it happen. Oh dear... Well, without going in to detail I will just tell you dear reader that it was very much worth it. And after we talked, then got so tired that for once we actually fell asleep. Apparently Marcus was awake all night for the first time ever, so I feel kinda bad that we didn't talk to him more after Zac went to sleep but it was such a moment just between us that it felt like there was nobody else in the world that mattered.

So morning rolls on in and at 7am we're awake and stepping out in to the sunshine. The wind and rain had knocked bits of our tent over in the night and we'd put it back up again, from the inside, but as a consequence one of my shoes had been knoced out of the cover and was soaking with rain. Oh dear. We set about packing away the tents and were done fairly quickly, then decided to stay a short while on the beach in the morning sun.

I made a bit of a monument to our crew in the sand while the boys inspected the wildlife - Zac had gone to scout the dunes and seen a family of deer, so Dan and Marcus went off in search of more with my camera. They came back and were I think marginally impressed. To be fair they had started to help just before they left to go film so I can't take all the credit, just most of it apart from the I!

We walked a bit down the beach with my camera on self timer and the teeny tripod to get some group photos. My shoelessness really failed when I found the little plants were intensely spikey! Still we got some nice shots, and Dan took some of our shadows, one of which was just such a Breakfast Club moment it makes me smile to look at it now because that's how we felt - young, free, alive, and together just the little group of us who didn't know each other a month ago but now firm friends going out together every weekend.

The weekend didn't end when we left the beach, we filmed a little of the ferry crossing back to Poole and went to my place. The guys all had coffee and waffles while I made myself a small breakfast of toast and a cup of tea. Smashing. I put on the PS3 with the intention of listening to music or something but we ended up looking at all the pics and vids of DHIBBS so far. I got changed and we were all comfy so decided to stick around for a bit. I regretted this when Dan discovered PlayStation Home.

Now, those of you already familiar with PSHome know female avatars get a lot of unwanted male attention. Dan discovered how to dance and the madness began. I kept hold of my keyboard for dear life frantically typing that someone else had control of my avatar, but eventually I lost that too and watched in agony as my avatar started chatting up some random frenchman in the InFamous area. When he was done with that one I thought, great, we can go now....but then he found someone else who was then starting to give him bits of postcode! At this point the guys realised it was getting more creepy than funny and ran away, but were followed. Thankfully we decided to quit out and head on our next journey, but I do have 3 ominous friend requests on my PSN account....

So anyway back to the story. The plan was to head on to Salisbury where I knew a few of my mates might be. We didn't meet up with them in the end because I had no credit to contact, but it was still a nice day to be in the town and we had a good look around a few shops. I had to be dragged kicking and screaming (almost literally) from Game and GameStation but then we had to endure an absolute age in Next while Zac was shopping for clothes. Yawnfest. The only thing that made it amusing was Marcus's gay side coming out in force! He tried on sunglasses and kept on accidentally making very camp gestures and phrases. Bless. He's bi but he has now changed his facebook to interested in men so we can only assume he doesn't care for boob any more.

After that we eventually mished back to Blandford where we collected vehicles and went back to Dan's. Zac went home but Marcus stayed with us, and Dan's mum kindly offered us all dinner which we gratefully accepted. So we watched Metalocalypse while Dan fell asleep (I also missed an episode, I was awake, then I was awake again and there's a bit missing in between), we had some munchies, and we went to the pub.

The pub was...empty, then a few people turned up, and left again, and Zac turned up as well, and more people came and went. Eventually for some reason we ended up following Zac to some house party 20mins walk away that April was at. We got there, she was drunk, I knew nobody, Dan knew a few people and Marcus knew nobody either and seemed just as awkward and uncomfortable as me. After a short while I gently encouraged that we should leave, so we made our way out with Ed who had come from the pub with us and headed right back to the pub with the idea of a quick drink before closing then mishing on home. Pub was closed though already, so we went on to the next one and found that was closed too. Eventually it was decided to part ways with Ed and go back to Dan's where Marcus swiftly departed too.

I stayed overnight and it was a lovely night. I mean really nice. It's a night I won't be forgetting, ever. I had to be up early Monday to get to the jobcentre though and that was a bitch. I did not want to get up, at all! Dan didn't want me to either, he didn't have to work til late so I don't blame him. I left at about 8, leaving me an hour to do a 30min trip and change and pick up my paperwork. Well there was a traffic jam, for about 15miles. If I hadn't had 2 wheels to be able to drive right past it I would have been stuck until well after midday! I arrived late to the jobcentre at 9.30am and without the booklet. They weren't impressed but it wasn't my fault so I think they let me off this time. Must not repeat!

After that was done I went home for a while then drove out again to Gillingham to pack everything from the room and move out. It only took a couple of hours and it was all ready to go just when Dad turned up. We loaded the car and went back after a brief farewell to my landlady. We were talking in the kitchen for a short while together, and she really mentioned how it seeme like since I'd been there my entire life had been transformed and me with it.

I think she was right, you know, when I moved in I was in full time work in a job I didn't like, had just got out of a relationship that had gone more than a bit sour, and was barely going out. Since then I'd lost the job, changed my life plan to go to Uni and do something worthwhile, been out and about meeting more people and making more friends and just got together with a new boyfriend. I've changed as a person in that time, and I think it's all for the better. I just need the last pieces of the puzzle to fall in to place and my life will be complete.

~~~~~~~~Thought of the Day~~~~~~~~

Sometimes life throws you into the sea in a storm, but if you swim through the lightning and the waves you'll land in paradise.

Jenivere Out.